my_sam_dean (my_sam_dean) wrote in wincest_is_best, @ 2008-04-20 00:23:00 |
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TITLE: Ballad of the Winchesters, Part 86-93 - Complete!!
AUTHOR: my_sam_dean
PAIRING: Sam/Dean, John/Bobby, Rayna, Caleb, Emma
RATING: NC-17
SUMMARY: Rayna scares Sam and Dean. Drew and Emma find an apartment. The Winchesters help Emma and Drew move. Rayna's first Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sam and Dean have some intimate time. They get to feed Rayna. Rayna comes home.
NOTES: I have based my knowledge of the NICU (Intensive Care Nursery) based on my own experience when I had my son 10 years ago. Although this is a spoiler, Emma's baby will make it. I don't want any of the committed readers of this story to worry about that.
WARNINGS: Slash, Incest
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the boys. I just wish I did!
Days went by and Rayna stayed on CPAP. Then, she made it to just a nasal cannula. It was one step closer to coming home. There was still a long way to go.
Sam still kept going up right after class. It was neat to see Rayna's personality. Like she'd tried to extubate herself before, now she was able to get out of her temperature and oxygen sensors. Alarms would go off and Sam would look to see what she'd squirmed out of this time.
Dean was back at work and able to concentrate since he'd gotten as used to the NICU as he was ever going to get. The guys in the shop congratulated him and then told him horror stories of their daughters bringing home losers for dates and getting odd piercings. Dean figured he could handle any of that after surviving the NICU.
After Dean made it up to the hospital, Rayna did her thing where she set off alarms. Dean was anxious when he heard the alarms, he wasn't as used to them as Sam.
Sam stood up and knew that there was something wrong. He called for the nurse. "She's not breathing, Dean," Sam tried to control the panic in his voice. There was no way to hide it in his eyes.
"What do you mean she's not breathing?" Dean stood beside Sam and looked at Rayna's still body.
The nurse came over, looked at Rayna's oxygen saturation, opened one of the portholes and started to rub Rayna's back. "Come on Rayna. Breathe, honey."
Sam and Dean stood there speechless as they watched Rayna change to a gray color. The nurse kept on. Finally, Rayna took a deep breath on her own.
"That's my girl. You don't need to be scaring your daddies like that."
"What happened?" Sam asked.
"We call them A & B spells. Sometimes these little ones forget to breathe and their heart rate drops. The sensor in our brain that reminds us to breathe isn't fully developed yet."
"Will it develop on its own?" Dean asked.
"Yes. If she's still having A&B spells when we discharge her, we'll send her home with some medication that will help. She will outgrow the spells. It's just scary to see. Remember to stimulate her and that will remind her to breathe."
"So we just do what you did?"
The nurse nodded. "Try not to worry. We'll make sure you're well-prepared to take care of her home before you do. Anyone who might be helping you with Rayna's needs to come to our first aid class. It's a requirement for parents."
"Whatever we need to do to get her home," Dean said, finally able to breathe himself as Rayna got her pink color back.
Sam took Dean's hand. "That was awful. Had that happened before?" Dean leaned on Sam as he waited for an answer.
Sam shook his head. "Dad and Bobby never mentioned anything about it while they were here."
"You might want to warn them," the nurse suggested to Sam and Dean. "Explain it a little so that it doesn't scare them like it did you."
"We will," Sam told her.
Satisfied with Rayna's breathing, the nurse went back to her work.
"Don't you dare do that to us again, Rayna. You scared the hell out of me."
"Dean," Sam put his arm around Dean's waist. "She didn't do it on purpose. We're just going to have to get used to incidents like this and not panic."
"It's damn hard not to panic when she's the wrong color."
"I know," Sam pulled Dean closer. "But, we handled it pretty good."
"I never imagined that a baby who's so small could take so much out of a person."
"Just try to relax, Dean. Let's enjoy the rest of our time with Rayna."
Dean laid his head on Sam's shoulder.
Sam grabbed a book. "Dad and Bobby are really getting into Beatrix Potter. Should we start her on Pooh?"
"Sure," Dean didn't move his head.
Sam started to read. Hearing Sam's voice calmed Dean. He closed his eyes and listened to Sam's voice more than the words.
***
"What do you think?" Drew asked.
"I love it!" Emma hugged him. "When can we move in?"
"End of the month," Drew hugged her back. "Are you really okay with this?"
"Of course I am."
"Did you want to try going back home?" Drew asked cautiously.
"No," her reply was sure and firm. "After how they treated me, they didn't exist to me anymore. It's just me and you."
"Okay. I can live with just me and you. Which bedroom do you want?"
"The one with the adjoining door to the bathroom would be nice."
"You got it." Drew looked at his watch," I need to get back to class. Is it alright if I drop you at the Winchester's?"
"Yep. I can't wait to tell them that we found a place."
***
"I can tell Rayna's getting bigger," John told Bobby. "She's got a long ways to go but she's bigger than she was."
"She's just going to keep on growing, even after you want her to stay little for awhile longer."
"I remember when it happened to the boys. I turned around and they were teenagers."
"That's how time goes. Slow as molasses when you're waiting for something and at the speed of light when you just want it to stand still."
"Never what you want it to." John took Bobby's hand.
They sat there and watched Rayna carefully. Sam and Dean had told them about the A&B spells. Now, John was on the look out for them. Bobby just chatted with John and the little girl who couldn't answer back. They were getting used to their long, quiet, overnight hours at the NICU. Besides, the boys slept better knowing they were with Rayna.
***
"Drew and I found a nice place," Emma was excited to tell Caleb.
"That's great. When do you get to move in?"
"End of the month. At least I don't have much to pack. It's within walking distance to college and it's a security building."
"Sounds like a good place for the two of you. You gonna tell the rest of them?"
"Yeah, when they get up. I need to go make a list of what we need for our apartment."
Caleb chuckled at Emma's excitement as she sped down the hall, needing to write something down before it slipped her mind.
***
John gave Emma a hug. "We're gonna miss you, honey. But, it's good that you and Drew have a place. You can always come here if you get lonesome. We'll expect you to be here at Christmas, by the way."
"I'll be here," Emma promised. "You're my family."
Bobby was pleased that Emma was getting on with her life. He also knew how attached John had gotten to her. John was going to miss her more than the rest of them.
"Are you sure you're ready?" Sam asked her. Emma nodded and smiled. "Then I wish you nothing but the best." Sam gave her a hug. "Call here if you need anything."
Emma gave Dean a hug. "Thanks for being my knight in shining armor when my time came. You were great."
"You did all the work," Dean reminded her. "I was just there." Dean blushed as he released her from the hug. "Keep our number on speed-dial. We expect to hear from you."
"You will," Emma was so happy because of the support that the Winchesters continued to provide her. There was also that promise of not shutting her out just because she moved. She felt like she had a real family again.
Rayna's first Thanksgiving was spent in the NICU. It happened to be the day they got to hold Rayna while her bedding was changed. The compassionate nurse let all four men hold Rayna. Her saturations had been good and she hadn't had an A&B spell for awhile.
They got pictures of them holding Rayna. She was even dressed in an outfit that they'd brought from home. She was in pink from head to toe. John had picked it out and Dean had given him a hard time about it until John pointed out that most of what Dean had selected was pink, too. Dean didn't have a comeback for that.
Rayna opened her eyes and they were dark blue. Three of the men said, "Ahh." Grown men turned to mush over seeing Rayna's eyes. Dean thought it but kept it inside his head.
Sam put his arm around Dean, "I think Rayna saw us."
"Yeah," Dean agreed as he put an arm around Sam.
***
Caleb was busy making Thanksgiving dinner when Emma and Drew walked in.
"I sure an glad you know how to cook," Emma told Caleb. "Drew and I wouldn't have had a clue how to cook a turkey."
"So, you would have had chicken strips instead," Caleb shrugged. "No big deal."
"Very big deal," Drew corrected him. "I look forward to a turkey dinner and what they serve at the cafeteria doesn't count."
"Is it really that bad?" Emma asked.
"Ever tried to eat some of that plastic fruit or fake food?" Drew watched Emma's expression. "There. Now you know what it tastes like."
Caleb laughed at the two of them and gave them directions to help will some of the side dishes. It was nice to have their friendly chatter in the house.
***
The seven of them had a nice dinner. Caleb had made a great meal, although he said he couldn't have done it all without Drew and Emma's help.
"All we did was keep you company," Emma laughed.
"Well, I enjoyed your guys' company. I've lived by myself for so long that being here has been a real treat."
"Even though you're surfing the couch?" Dean couldn't believe that Caleb could actually enjoy that.
"I've slept in way worse places," Caleb replied.
"You're always welcome to visit here or at Bobby's," John told him. "We have the room."
"Any chance you'd like to baby-sit?" Sam smiled. "It will be wonderful to have her home. I know it will be a huge change in our lives but still I can't wait for it."
"It'll be awhile," Drew said. "I think I'd like to spoil her a little bit."
Emma sat there silently tearing up.
"Oh, honey," John put an arm around her. "We never mean to make you upset. You do what you have to. You need to get your life back. You'll continue to be welcomed here and invited on the holidays. If it is too hard for you to come to understand. But, then I might just have to check out this apartment of yours to see how you're doing. We'll still worry about you, you know."
"I know," Emma wiped away her tears. "I just get so frustrated with myself. Now I've put a damper on your holiday."
"No chance of that, darling," Bobby gave her a smile and put his hand on hers. "We have so much to be thankful for this year. One big thing is God sending you to us. You're in a heart-wrenching spot. We'll always be here to help you because we want to be. You're allowed to hurt and cry in a family. Family means taking care of each other and giving as many hugs as possible. We know you have Drew, but hopefully you think of us as your second family."
"I already do," she whispered.
"Good," John gave her a squeeze. "Now that we understand each other, how about we eat?"
Dean talked about work and Sam was excited to almost be done with school. Emma and Drew were happy to be moving into an apartment. Drew because he despised cafeteria food so much, even though Emma told him that she hadn't learned to cook much yet.
"Dinner from a box or an is fine with me," Drew told her. "It will be much better just because it isn't made in bulk."
"I could give you a few lessons of what I've learned," Caleb offered. "It's gonna be awful quiet here during the day so I'll have to see how you're doing. Maybe we can go grocery shopping together again. It's so much more fun than going alone."
"I think I'd like that," Emma smiled.
Caleb smiled back at her and quickly looked back down at his plate.
***
The Winchesters helped Drew and Emma move in.
"This is a big step up from your dorm room," Sam told Drew. "Let us know what you need and we'll find it for you. It might be second hand, but it'll be in good shape."
"Thanks, Sam. Emma loves having her bed from your house here. I know she'll sleep better on that than a new bed. I have a bed that should be delivered tomorrow. Otherwise, you've seen all our furniture."
"We could get some necessities for you, or we could just give you some cash. Emma might like shopping for her home. She's a smart gal. She'll get a good deal," John told Drew. He gave him a wad of bills before he left.
"You have a nice place here," Sam told Emma. "Just don't forget your second home."
"I won't," Emma replied as Sam gave her a hug.
"I can never thank you enough for Rayna," Sam whispered. "You are a wonderful, strong, woman. There's no limit to what you can do. Remember that."
"Thanks, Sam," Emma said when Sam released her. "You'll be hearing from me, don't worry."
Dean was the next to give her a hug. "Don't forget our numbers. Call anytime."
"I will," she promised.
"You make me proud," Bobby pulled her close.
"I keep thinking of you as 'our girl'," John smiled as he told her. "Always remember how special you are to us. Our doors are always open."
"Thank you for our talks," Emma's voice was muffled in John's shirt as she clung to him. "I couldn't have made it without them."
"Always call if you need to talk, no matter what the topic is."
"Hopefully we're through will all the awkward ones," Emma laughed. "But I'll have to check in to make sure Bobby is keeping you in line."
"Good."
The Winchesters looked back and saw Drew and Emma in the doorway. They knew Emma needed the space. Drew would take good care of her and she knew to call if she needed them. They would stumble through their odd relationship somehow.
“Rayna’s bleed has dissolved,” Sam happily related to Dean as soon as he walked in the NICU.
“That’s great,” Dean smiled as he hugged him. “Has she been giving the nurses a hard time?”
“Nope. She’s been perfectly behaved. I love it now that she’s in a bassinette. It’s easier to see her and the nurse says we should be able to feed her soon. Can you imagine giving her a bottle?” Sam was finding it difficult to contain his excitement.
“I think we’ll be giving her plenty of bottles,” Dean laughed. “But I can’t wait to hold her more than just a few minutes a week.”
“They have someone coming to do laser surgery on her eyes tomorrow. That whole preemie thing where her eyes weren’t developed? They are going in to stunt the growth of abnormal blood vessels to prevent them from pulling on her retina,” Sam rambled off and most of it went over Dean’s head.
“Why does she need it?”
“They did an exam and saw some abnormal vessels. It is to prevent problems later.”
“Will she still be able to see?” Dean thought he could handle anything as long as she lived.
“Yeah. She might need glasses.”
“Glasses are nothing,” Dean said as he sat down. “The way you were talking, I thought it was worse.”
“Sorry if I scared you. I sometimes forget that you don’t hear all that I do up here. I try to tell you everything, but sometimes I forget,” Sam stuck his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth.
“I know you do, Sammy. You do an amazing job at it,” Dean smiled. “I’d get it all messed up in my head before
I could relay it to you.” Sam sat down beside him. “What time is her surgery?”
“They won’t know the time until tomorrow. I have classes in the morning but I can call and in early and see if they have the time. Think you can get off work?”
“Yeah, Mr. Steven is great like that. Do they give her something before they do the laser surgery?”
“They give her some sedation, but she’s still awake. They do it in a procedure room just off the NICU.”
“Good. I’d have to kick their ass if they didn’t,” Dean said, seriously.
Sam smiled. “I’d be right behind ya.”
***
Emma opened the door to find Caleb there with some kitchen items as a big smile. “I couldn’t come over for your first cooking lesson empty handed,” was his excuse.
“You don’t have to bring anything when you come to visit. Just you is enough.”
“Is there someplace I can put these down?”
“Where are my manners?” Emma stepped aside. “Come on in.”
Caleb put the kettles and dishes on the counter. Emma followed him into the kitchen.
“How have you been doing?” Caleb asked.
“I’m making it,” Emma tried to smile. “It gets difficult sometimes when Drew is gone at school or work. I’m still half-heartedly looking for a part-time job.”
“Call when it gets difficult,” Caleb scratched down his cell number and gave it to her, “Or if you just want to talk.”
“Are you sure? Will it make it difficult for you at the house?”
“Why would it be awkward? Everyone only wants what’s best for you, Emma. You’re still planning on coming over for Christmas?”
“Yeah. I know Drew is planning on going and it is where we belong for the holiday.”
“Have you talked to your folks?” Caleb asked as he put dishes in the cupboard.
“No. They cut me out of their lives when I needed them. I don’t need to chance them doing it twice.”
“That makes me sad, Emma. You should never be treated like that.”
Instead of a cooking lesson, they found themselves on the living room floor having a heart-to-heart. Emma told Caleb about Zane, and Caleb acted like he didn’t already know the story.
Emma told him that she’d met Zane over the summer before her senior year. They’d had a very good relationship until that one night. Then, her parents took her to the emergency room, Drew tried to talk her into the morning after pill, and Sam came in to talk to her. Sam was the one who gave her hope and the strength to stick to what she felt she needed to do about her pregnancy.
“Sam’s a good guy,” Caleb smiled. “I’m glad he was able to help you.”
“Yeah, me, too,” Emma’s eyes shimmered with unshed tears.
Caleb couldn’t think of anything to say so he put his arm around her and she rested her head on him. “You didn’t deserve any of that,” Caleb said softly. With that, the flood gates opened and Emma cried.
***
Sam wasn't able to be at the NICU before Rayna went into surgery, but Dean and John were there. When Sam had offered to skip class to be there, Dean told him in no uncertain terms that he couldn't be missing one of his last days of school. That he'd be fine with their dad up there until Sam was done with class. Sam came rushing in before Rayna came back from surgery.
"How fast did you drive to get here?" Dean asked as Sam breathed heavily.
"Drew gave me a ride and I ran all the way from the parking lot," Sam answered between huffs.
"Take a seat, Sam," John told him. "Don't go running from the parking lot like that again. I bet you took the stairs three at a time, too."
Sam smiled, guiltily.
When Rayna was out of surgery, John stayed a little while before telling Rayna goodbye and going home to get some sleep.
Dean was able to stay until they were sure that Rayna was coming out of the sedation okay.
"I need to get back to work," Dean gave Sam a hug. "I'll be up as soon as I'm done with work."
"Okay."
"Are you doing alright, Sam? If you need me to stay, I will."
"No, you need to work. I'm fine. Really."
"You sure?"
"Yeah." Sam waved him off, "Go. I'll see you after work."
"Sammy? I love you. You're a wonderful dad."
"I missed seeing her before surgery-"
"And she won't remember that. I won't tell," Dean smirked. "We can talk about this later, when I come back."
"Love you," Sam smiled.
***
"Dean, I didn't know if you would be coming back," Mr. Steven said. "How is Rayna?"
"Really good. She's out of surgery and coming out of the sedation fine. Sam's still up there with her."
"Are you sure you want to come back to work?"
"I can't stay in the NICU for the long hours like Sam does. Work distracts me. I need to be here."
Mr. Steven nodded. "Glad Rayna's doing okay." Then, he went back into his office.
"How's Princess doing?" Dean asked as he sat down.
"She came out of sedation fine. She hasn't had an A&B spell. She's been pretty sleepy."
"I suppose. It was a big day for her."
"In a couple of days, we should be able to give her a bottle. That will be a big day for all of us."
"Sure will," Dean took Sam's hand. "The days are only going to get better. Do we need to talk about you not being here earlier?"
"No. I'm feeling better about that."
"Good. I hated to think of you up here beating yourself up." Dean sighed, getting comfortable in his chair. "So how was class?"
"Lots of information, Finals are next week."
"So Drew will be heading over to study?"
"I might ask him if he's okay with coming up here. I won't be able to concentrate unless I'm by Rayna."
"Maybe you could go to Drew's when I get up here."
"I'll talk to Drew tomorrow and we'll work something out."
***
On the way home from the NICU, Dean turned on his favorite music. It reminded Sam of all the time they'd spent in the Impala cruising down the road. He wanted to feel that free again, so he asked Dean to just drive.
"Sure, Sammy. Just need to ride and relax?"
"Yeah. I think it will be easier to sleep after a drive."
Dean just nodded and settled in for a drive. Sam slouched in the passenger seat and looked out the window.
Dean pulled over when they got out of the city. Dean rested his arm on the back of the seat and Sam moved over until he could rest his head on Dean. He moved with the motion of Dean's breathing. Dean brought his arm around Sam and pulled him closer.
"It's nice to be away from the lights and the noise," Dean's voice was soft. "Makes me miss when we were in all those towns in the middle of nowhere."
"You hated those towns. There wasn't much to do and the bar was filled with mostly guys."
"Okay. So, I hated it back then. I miss the peaceful environment."
"Peaceful as in once the hunt was done, or were the hunts peaceful, too?"
"The hunts could be hell," Dean chuckled. "But you were there and that somehow made it better."
"Do you still wish you were hunting?"
"No way," Dean replied. "I love our domesticated life and having Rayna home will only make it better."
"Maybe we could take a vacation to someplace quiet."
"I don't think we're allowed to vacation anywhere except Bobby's. Bobby and Dad might want to watch her overnight, though. Give us a little time to ourselves."
"I don't think I'll be ready for time for ourselves, Dean. Once we get Rayna home, I don't want her out of my sight."
"And you thought I would be the overprotective one."
"I don't know, Dean. I love spending time with you, loving you. I just don't think I'll be ready to leave Rayna to do that for quite awhile."
"That's fine. I'm partial to her, too. Besides, once we get her home, we'll feel better about her health and always know how she's doing. We won't feel like we're leaving a piece of ourselves at the NICU."
"It's comforting to be here in your arms. Just us."
"We should do this more often," Dean tilted Sam's chin so he could kiss him. Gentle, soft, lingering kisses. Not ones that demanded more. They were content to stay as they were.
***
"Did Dad and Bobby get up to the NICU?"
"Yeah. They were a little concerned when you weren't home. I convinced him that you probably went out for some food. You guys deserve a break," Caleb replied.
"We just needed a drive to chill out after the NICU," Dean said. "How was your day?"
"I went to see Emma," Caleb turned a little pink. "I was going to give her a cooking lesson, but she needed to talk instead."
"Is she okay?" Sam asked.
"She just needed talk about what brought her here," Caleb shrugged. "I listened as best I could."
"Is she feeling okay?" Dean asked. "She seemed very depressed when she was pregnant. We'll want to make sure that she gets help if she shows any signs."
"I'll keep an eye open for anything out of the ordinary. Tomorrow we might go grocery shopping."
"Can you pick up some pie?" Dean just had to ask.
Caleb rolled his eyes. "Sure, Dean. Any particular kind?"
"Whatever. I'm just craving pie."
"Any requests, Sam?"
"Some chocolate. I've been wanting something sweet."
"Okay. Well, you guys get some rest. I was jut about to turn in," Caleb turned to the couch. "I'll see ya in the morning."
They told Caleb goodnight as they retreated to their room.
"How are you doing?" Dean asked Sam as he cradled him is his arms.
"Stressed about Finals. Missing Rayna. That's about it," Sam moved closer to Dean. "How about you?"
"Work is fine. Wish Rayna was here. Worry about you."
"Why do you worry about me?"
"I worry that the stress at college and in the NICU might get to be too much. You need to let me know if the pressure gets to be too much."
"I will, Dean. You need to promise me that you'll do the same."
"Sure, Sammy. Anything for you."
***
Lying on the couch, Caleb thought back over the day. He was glad that he was able to be there for Emma. He wished that none of it had happened or that he could just erase it somehow.
He had meant to give Emma a cooking lesson. He just felt the need to protect her. He thought about her the whole time he was away from her. He wondered if it was his heart causing emotions that he wasn’t used to. He’s just been alone for so long. He knew he’d have to tread carefully. Most of all, he didn’t want to hurt Emma.
When the day finally came for Sam and Dean to feed Rayna, Sam waited until Dean was done with work. Dean brought John and Bobby up with him. It was an important step in Rayna's development and would get her closer to coming home.
John, Bobby, Sam and Dean watched the nurse as she showed them how to feed Rayna. Rayna was no longer on oxygen but she still had and oxygen sensor to indicate if she was having a hard time. It can be difficult for babies to coordinate breathing, sucking and swallowing.
Sam tried first. Rayna was up to a whole four pounds. She was still very light, but he got to hold her without the bedding. She was wrapped tight in a blanket. Rayna decided to snuggle into Sam and sleep instead of eating.
"You'll need to hold her away from you," the nurse helped Sam move Rayna around. "Keep wiggling the nipple in her mouth. Talk to her to wake her up."
Sam loved the feeling when Rayna had snuggled into her. He'd wanted to let her stay there instead of pushing her to eat. But, she needed to eat in order to get to go home. Reluctantly, Rayna sucked at the bottle. It was a slow process.
An alarm went off, and Sam looked up to find that Rayna's oxygen saturation had dropped. "Rayna needs to take a break," the nurse told him. "Just hold her for a little bit and we'll try again in a few minutes."
Sam moved her back to his body and she moved in closer. She knew he was her daddy. His voice was familiar and she felt loved.
Bobby snapped pictures. Rayna looked at home. She was where she belonged.
Dean knelt down by Sam as he looked at Rayna and rubbed the perfect fingers on her tiny hand. "Now, we're daddies," Dean whispered. "And Rayna knows it, too."
"Think so?"
"Didn't you see how she just molded herself into you?"
Sam looked up and had tears in his eyes. "Do you want to hold her, Dean?"
"You'll never have to ask me twice," Dean replied and he and Sam did a very careful switch with their most precious cargo.
The nurse came back and said they should try the bottle again.
Rayna had settled in close to Dean, and Dean got choked up. "We have to move you away from me, baby girl. You need to have your bottle so you can grow big and come home." With some jiggling and prodding, Rayna got some of her bottle down.
"Now you need to burp her," the nurse took a bottle and handed Dean a burp cloth. "Just rub her back, you don't need to pat it with how small she is. After she's burped, we can try some more."
Dean held Rayna up to his shoulder and her soft hair brushed against his face. The scent of the baby wash was the sweetest smell he'd ever experienced. After a few rubs, Rayna burped loud like a champ.
"That's my girl," Dean laughed.
"Definitely a Winchester," Bobby shook his head. "I thought you three were bad, but she's got you beat."
After Rayna was done with her bottle, they had to lay her back down.
"Will Dad and Bobby be able to feed her during the night?" Sam asked.
"That should be fine since they will be helping you when you get home," the nurse replied. "If Rayna gets too worn out, we'll have to do some tube-feedings. We don't want her to lose weight. That can happen if she spends more calories getting the formula than the formula gives her in return. We need to take it in small steps."
"We'll understand if we can't," John told her.
"As long as you know why we might not let you feed her sometimes. It's nothing against you, we're just conserving her energy."
"What times will she be fed? Can you call us if we'll be able to feed her during the day? If Sam's at school, I'm sure my boss will let me leave to feed her."
"Sure. We start out slow at first and then the feedings will be more frequent."
Sam and Dean left early, but John and Bobby stayed for the nightshift.
Drew was coming over to study and Dean wanted to get some house chores done. They kissed Rayna and left, almost floating with the joy they felt in their hearts.
***
“I was able to feed Ranya part of a bottle today,” Sam told Drew. “It was a wonderful feeling when she just snuggled further into me. I didn’t want to give her back. I wanted to take her home.”
“You’ll be able to take her home before too long,” Drew smiled at him. “Are you going to be able to study or is your mind going to go back to Rayna?”
“Can’t promise anything, but I’ll try,” Sam replied as he opened his book.
***
“Hello,” Caleb answered his cell.
“Caleb? Do you know where Drew is? He didn’t come home after class and it’s not his day to work.”
“He’s over here studying with Sam. I think it was a last minute deal. Do you want to talk to him?”
“No. I’ll do my talking when he gets home. He should at least leave a note.”
Caleb chuckled. “He’s used to living by himself, Emma. It’s not like he’s been leaving notes to himself. He’ll have to get used to leaving messages for you.”
“I suppose you’re right. I’m glad I called or I’d just keep worrying until he walked through the door.”
“You can always call, Emma. Anytime. I don’t mind if it’s in the middle of the night.”
“I know. Thank you for that, Caleb. You’ve helped me so much.”
“I just did what I could to make you feel better. Even when I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing.”
“You did right. Don’t doubt that. Just trust your instincts and you can’t go wrong.”
Caleb wondered what she’d think about his hunting instincts. His instincts about her were feelings, not the brain smarts that he’d learned over the years.
“I will. Bye, Emma.”
“Bye, Caleb.”
Christmas Eve came and the Winchesters brought Caleb up to the NICU with them. Since Rayna was doing better, gaining weight and handling her feedings well, they were able to hold her whenever they wanted to . She just had to get up to five pounds to be able to come home.
Sam had bought a book of Christmas stories and had saved "Twas the Night Before Christmas" until Christmas Eve. Dean held Rayna in the rocking chair as Sam read the story. It was the first time that Bobby and Caleb held Rayna. Before, Bobby would just let John hold Rayna during their long nights up there. He felt that John needed that bond he had with Rayna and, Bobby was afraid to hold a baby that was so small.
Christmas Eve brought new joy into their family as they were each able to hold her. She slept through most of it, but it was still relaxing to hold her.
It was the first time Caleb had held a baby since his son. After seeing what the guys had gone through, and hearing all that Rayna had overcome, he'd never actually thought of holding her. It brought back the feelings that he'd had as he held his son. It also brought back the feeling that he'd failed.
They stayed up there late and the nurses had put a Christmas stocking on her bassinette with her name on it. She could almost fit in the stocking at her size. It was reassuring to think that Rayna would be spending her next Christmas at home and would be bigger than her Christmas stocking.
***
They got home and opened their gifts, but their minds were still with Rayna. They left her presents under the tree and would open them when she got home. They'd assembled the crib. That in itself could have been a catastrophe. Luckily, Bobby held onto the instructions and was able to settle an argument when Dean and John didn't see eye to eye. Ended up both of them were wrong. Bobby smiled but didn't say a word.
Dean picked out princess bedding for the crib and all the princess accessories for the nursery. Sam had to laugh because what did a baby need with a clock? He understood the toy box, lamp, wall hangings, diaper hanger, and fleece blankets. Sam would have found the bookends strange, too, if he hadn't already bought her three thick books.
They decided to go back up to the NICU in the morning. They had Drew and Emma coming over at noon. Caleb was going to stay home and cook a big meal.
"We sure had a wonderful day," Dean said in their bedroom as he put his arms around Sam's waist. Dean had caught him on his way out of the bathroom, and they were just in their boxers. It was so refreshing to feel skin on skin Just kissing and feeling their bodies bought up intense passion that they hadn't felt since before Rayna.
Mouths came together and tongues intertwined. Their sounds that they made were muffled by their harsh breathing. Dean's hands pulled Sam closer. Sam bent forwards to kiss Deans' shoulder and neck.
"I need you," Dean breathed in Sam's ear.
"I was hoping we'd make love tonight," Sam replied softly.
"Umm," Dean said. "Just follow me."
Sam allowed Dean to lead him to the bed and laid him down. Dean put one finger under each side of Sam's boxers and slowly moved them down and off the bed. He quickly shed his own and stretched out along Sam's body.
"It sure feels good to be here," Dean sighed.
Sam's reply was to pull Dean closer and run his hands over Dean's body. He took Dean's mouth in his and savored all the textures Dean moaned into his mouth as he rubbed his body against Sam's.
"Dean," Sam sighed as he worked a hand between them. He put his large hand around both of them and began to stoke. Sensitive skin on sensitive skin soon became slick and easier to stroke
"Ugh," Dean tossed his head back on his pillow, and ran his hands down Sam's chest. Feeling the muscles that he always knew were under his layers of clothes. He just hadn't felt them under his hands for so long.
They came, groaning each other's names as they did so. They collapsed together, drifting off to a light sleep.
"Sammy? Did you still want to play?" Dean whispered as brushed his fingers through Sam's long hair.
"I'd like to if you do."
"Time to play it is," Dean's hand moved further down Sam's tan skin. He lightly touched the tip and Sam whimpered. "I love you, Sam." Dean's movements brought more friction and Sam was straining against Dean's hand.
"Lie back," Sam told Dean as he grabbed the lube from the nightstand.
Dean studied Sam's expressions and movements closely. Sam was making sure that he wouldn't hurt Dean.
"Are you ready?" Sam asked.
"Oh, yes, Sammy," Dean's voice sounded desperate.
Sam made Dean call out when he put pressure on Dean's prostrate. Sam put more lube on himself before pressing his head to Dean's opening. Dean's eyes closed.
"We still good?" Sam asked through clenched teeth, trying to stay still and needing to move.
Dean nodded, so Sam proceeded with the process of getting himself fully into Dean. When he started to move, Dean clutched the sheets and arched his back.
They were beyond words, reduced to sounds conveying what they felt.
Sam kissed Dean softly before pulling out and lying on his back.
"Sam," Dean whispered with his head on Sam's shoulder.
"Yeah?"
"Can I touch you a little, like before?"
"Sure."
"Really?" Dean didn't expect such a short answer.
"You are my husband, Dean. This is something we're both going to work through."
"I don't want to push you."
"You won't," Sam assured him. "You're not like that."
"Just tell me 'no' if you get uncomfortable. I don't want to bring back anything bad."
"I will."
Dean knelt between Sam's knees and slicked up his finger before touching the area around Sam's opening. Sam didn't flinch. He let out the breath he'd been holding.
"That's my Sammy," Dean's voice was soft. "Concentrate on how good this feels. Remember that it's just me who will ever touch you like this."
Dean kept the pad of his finger flat against Sam's opening, gently pressing in and rubbing the outer rim of the muscle.
Sam squirmed.
"What do you need Sam?"
"More. Little more."
Dean moved so the could get the tiniest part of his fingertip into Sam. Sam sucked in a large gulp of air.
"I'm not moving any more, Sam. Tell me what you're thinking."
"Pain going away. Feels good."
"More?"
Sam nodded.
Dean slowly moved in a little further.
"Relax, Sam. It's just me and we can stop anytime."
"No. I'm okay," Sam's fingers where white-knuckled around the handful of sheets.
Next, Dean moved carefully trying to put pressure on Sam's prostate. Dean was still learning, and it took him a couple of tries to get the right spot.
"Dean! Oh, God!"
Dean smiled, knowing what Sam was feeling at that moment. When Sam got his breath back, Dean put pressure on that magic spot again and Sam cried out.
After Sam had calmed down, with Dean's finger still inside, Dean asked, "Ready for more?"
"No. Stop." Sam was panting.
Dean slowly slid his finger back out and massaged the area around his opening, which seemed to relax Sam.
"How do you feel?" Dean laid his head on the pillow beside Sam.
"How did you know how to do that?"
"I knew you found a spot that gave me that reaction. I just felt around until I found yours."
"It was amazing," Sam started to tear up. "I never thought it could be. I thought we could make it comfortable
for me, but I never expected this."
"We're loving how it's supposed to go," Dean wiped Sam's tears and smiled down at him. "We're both stumbling through this, hoping to get it right."
Sam laughed. "That makes it sound like our lives in general."
"Yeah, but this is more important." Dean went on, "What we have is sacred. It's the love between husbands that lasts forever."
"I like the sound of that," Sam curled into Dean. "I'll always love you, Dean."
"I'll always love you, Sammy. Just like I always have."
Christmas Day brought more pictures in the NICU with Rayna in a dress that was all red velvet with white fluffy trim. They even found the smallest Santa hat that they could and it was still miles too big. It made a cute picture, though.
"Our first aid class in on Sunday at one or four o'clock in the afternoon. When should I sign you all up?" the nurse smiled at them. "Rayna only has a few ounces to go before she's five pounds."
"Four o'clock would be good, wouldn't it?" Dean said as he looked at everyone for confirmation."
"Four it is," the nurse scribbled down some information. "Meet in the NICU waiting room and someone will get you from there."
"What do we need besides regular baby items to bring her home?" Sam asked as he held her.
"I'll write down the formula that we're using and give it to you. Infant Tylenol. Lots of burp rags and bottles. You'll need to feed her every two hours. I'll also put down what kind of nipple we've been using," the nurse went off to write it down.
"Did you get all that, John?" Bobby nudged.
"Yeah. We didn't seem to need so much when Mary breastfed. Then, I put Sam through hell trying to find a formula that agreed with him and a nipple that he would take."
"You did just fine with him, John. He was a pretty happy baby when I met him."
"I think Mom's been looking over Rayna," Sam said quietly.
Dean put a hand on Sam's shoulder.
"She's been watching over all from heaven since the beginning," John corrected. "She wouldn't have it any other way."
Before they left, the nurse gave them the list and they changed Rayna back into a comfortable sleeper. She was already tired from all the excitement. They brought the dress back home with them to take a picture of her by the tree when she came home.
John looked over the list and told them that he and Bobby could pick it all up. No stores were open on Christmas Day and Dean had to be back to work the next day.
"Do you know what all these things are?" Bobby asked John in the car.
"No," John smiled. "But we can always ask the nice saleslady."
"Oh, you are such a flirt."
"Hey, it's for Rayna. I can play clueless grandpa for her. You can be my equally clueless friend."
"So kissing is out of the question?" Bobby asked.
"Didn't know you ever had the urge to in public, Bobby," John thought for a moment. "I'd say you could go with that feeling almost anytime. Just not on the particular trip."
"Oh, John. You're no fun."
"Don't say anything you might regret," John had glint in his eye that Bobby knew too well.
"I'll quit while I'm ahead," Bobby looked out the window.
***
They heard Emma laughing when they got inside. She was helping Caleb in the kitchen. Drew was watching television.
"How's Rayna?" Drew asked.
"Really good," Dean smiled at him. "She jus needs to put on a few more ounces and she can come home."
"That's great! When do I get to come visit?"
"Soon as we're ready for company," Sam replied. "We'll let you know."
John went into the kitchen. "Glad to see you, Emma," he gave her a hug. "You getting another cooking lesson?"
The tips of Caleb's ears turned red and Emma's face turned pink.
"Okay," John tried to cover up the awkwardness. "Anything I can help you with?"
"Go talk to my brother. See what bug flew up his nose. He's been so grumpy and he won't tell me why."
"Caleb?"
"I have it all under control," he replied.
John walked in the living room and plopped down beside Drew on the couch. "Emma asked me to find out what bug flew up your nose. So, out with it."
"How well do you know Caleb?" Drew asked in a hushed voice.
"Caleb?" the question caught John off-guard. "Damn good. I've known him for many years. Why?"
"He's been at our place quite a bit when I've been gone during the day. They don't appear to be just cooking lessons when I come home. It's more like they are flirting. They both turn red when I walk in."
That explained what John had interrupted in the kitchen. "Caleb would never hurt anyone intentionally," John told him. "He's been out of the whole dating thing for years."
"So why Emma? Doesn't he live a long ways away? Why hadn't he had to go home?"
"It's easy for him to get time away," John explained. "He doesn't have anyone waiting for him at home. He can stay gone as long as he needs. Emma is a wonderful woman, Drew. Caleb knows she's been hurt. He wouldn't ever try to push Emma into anything."
"How about the age difference?"
"What might seem like a big deal now won't matter in the future. You need to give it time so see where this is going. If you try to tell Emma what to do, you'll just push her away."
Drew sighed because he'd known if he talked to Emma about it, he'd alienate her.
"You're a good brother, Drew. You'll always be protective of her because she's your little sister."
***
They had a nice meal and great conversation. They celebrated Sam's graduation from college, Drew and Emma's new place and Christmas at the same time.
Emma and the Winchesters didn't feel like their visit was strained. They just knew that their situation was different and cared about each other as much as possible.
***
On Sunday, the four guys walked into the first aid class. The first thing they got was a packet of handouts. For the next hour and a half, they sat in silence, trying to let it all sink in.
As they walked out, Bobby said, "Does everyone feel like they've had a mental overload or is it just me?"
They laughed all the way to the NICU, where the nurse had wonderful news for them.
"She just needs two more ounces," she told them with a smile. "How are you coming on the list?"
"We have it all. Bobby and I went shopping."
"You didn't harass the saleslady so much that she had to quit did you?" Dean asked.
"Of course not," John insisted. "But I think she had eyes for Bobby."
Bobby turned pink, "I think she just liked that I called her m'am."
Even the nurse had to laugh at that.
***
Two days later, Dean's cell phone rang at work.
"Sam. Is something wrong?" he couldn't help but panic when the hospital's number popped up on his caller ID.
"Nothing's going to be wrong for a long time," Sam said. "We can bring Rayna home as soon as you can get here."
"Wow. I mean, is there anything I need to bring?"
"I put the cars seat and a clean shirt in the Impala yesterday. That's all you need."
"I'll talk to Mr. Steven but I'm sure he'll let me go."
"Rayna and I will be waiting."
"Bye," Dean was so excited that he almost tripped on the way to the office.
Mr. Steven said he'd see Dean on January 2nd, and to consider the paid days a Christmas gift for Rayna.
Dean shook Mr. Steven's hand while he tried to think of the words to thank him.
"Dean? didn't you need to go?" Mr. Steven asked with a smile.
"Yeah. Thank you," Dean dropped Mr. Steven's hand.
"Are you okay to drive?"
"I'm better than okay. I'm bringing my baby home," with that, Dean turned and left the room.
When he got to the car, he changed his shirt and checked to make sure the car seat was in tight. Then, he slid behind the wheel and took a deep breath. His heart was racing. Between his way to work and his way home, the Impala went from a babe magnet to a family car, once again.
Dean had no idea they accumulated so much stuff in the NICU. A nurse loaded up a cart and Dean picked Sam and Rayna up at the door. The nurse checked the car seat to make sure it was installed correctly and waved goodbye.
On the road home, Sam got all teary and Dean was fighting to keep the tears at bay.
"You have to stop that, Dude," Dean told him. "Or else you'll make me cry and I'll have to pull over. We'll never get home."
"I don't care how long the ride is," Sam sniffled. "We're bringing our baby home."
Dean choked up and couldn't say anything. He just took Sam's hand. If he looked to the side, he saw Sam. If he looked in the review mirror, he saw Rayna's car seat. It was a difficult ride home.
***
John and Bobby came out as soon as they pulled in the driveway. They said they wanted to help unload the car but Dean thought they just wanted Rayna.
"Hey! I get to bring Rayna in," Dean told them. "I don't want you slipping on something and dropping her."
"You were dropped on your head and you turned out fine," John smiled across the car roof.
"Ha-ha, Dad. Mom would have killed you."
"You got me there," John replied. "Pop the trunk so we can haul something in."
When John and Bobby had emptied the trunk, Dean turned to Sam, "Shall we?"
"I've been waiting for this for so long," Sam eyes shimmered.
"You're about to cry, Sam. That's why I'm carrying her in." Dean softened his voice, "I've been waiting for this, too."
Dean picked up Rayna, car seat and all. Sam put his hand on Dean's back as they carried Rayna home.