my_sam_dean (my_sam_dean) wrote in wincest_is_best, @ 2008-04-20 00:05:00 |
|
|||
TITLE: Ballad of the Winchesters, Part 81-85
AUTHOR: my_sam_dean
PAIRING: Sam/Dean, John/Bobby, Rayna
RATING: NC-17
SUMMARY: Dean gets Sam to share upsetting information. Rayna needs to go back on the vent. Bobby and John talk about the vent. Dean and Sam get the MRI results. John and Bobby have some intimate time.
NOTES: I have based my knowledge of the NICU (Intensive Care Nursery) based on my own experience when I had my son 10 years ago. Although this is a spoiler, Emma's baby will make it. I don't want any of the committed readers of this story to worry about that.
WARNINGS: Slash, Incest
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the boys. They own me.
"You okay, Sammy?" Dean asked when they got behind closed doors.
"Yeah. Why?" Sam didn't look him in the eye as he tried to walk past.
"Wait," Dean grasped Sam's arm. "Look at me a minute. How are you, really?"
"Time just gets long up there, Dean." Sam started out looking at Dean but ended up looking at the floor.
Dean moved closer to Sam and placed a hand on his cheek. "Talk to me, Sammy."
Sam's eyes shimmered. "I just race up there after school. I try to read and I end up watching her chest. Every time she exhales I hold my breath hoping that she'll inhale again. They gave me a book for the NICU, Dean. It's like a Parent's Handbook. It lists the common issues in the NICU, tests, disabilities, and it had a part on what happens when a baby dies. If the parents can't make it up there in time, a nurse will hold the baby as they die."
"Why did you read the part about when a baby dies?"
"I don't know," tears were streaming down Sam's face. "That book is how I learned more about the MRI that they are doing in the morning."
"What did you find out about the test?" Dean kept his voice low but the tone demanded an answer.
"I just wish she didn't need the test," Sam tried to fudge his way around. "Then, I wouldn't have to worry about it." Sam looked miserable.
"Here's what we're going to do," Dean looked his right in the eye. "We're going to get ready for bed. Then, you are going to tell me about everything you read in that book. Obviously, it was upsetting, but I don't want you to feel like you're the only one to carry that burden of knowledge."
"I didn't want to worry you," Sam whispered.
"We're in this together, Sammy. Rayna is loved and cherished, no matter what. We can adjust to whatever she would need. We need to stick together through this. It's hard and sad and crazy. Trust me on this one, okay?"
Sam nodded.
"I've set the alarm," Dean turned back to see that Sam hadn't moved. He knew that if he looked close enough, he'd see the wheels turning in Sam's head. When Sam started to try to undress, he moved as if he was under water. Dean quickly got out of his clothes and led Sam into the bathroom. He started the shower and peeled Sam's clothes off.
"I'm so tired," Sam tried to protest against taking a shower.
"Come on," Dean helped him step in. "I'll do all the work."
While he worked as efficiently as possible, he told Sam how everything was going to be okay. He could have strung out their time in the shower, but he just wanted to get them clean. He knew Sam wasn't going to be able to relax until he'd shared what he'd learned.
Dean let Sam lean on him as he led him to bed.
"Boxers," Sam said.
"We're not worrying about those tonight," Dean replied as he helped Sam swing his legs onto the bed. He slipped in his side and slid over until his body was pressed against Sam's. "I don't want there to be secrets, Sammy. We've always had such an honest relationship. You don't need to protect me with secrets. You'll only hurt me with them because I'll feel like you're keeping me away."
"I didn't want you to worry," Sam repeated himself from earlier.
"We're not going to worry," Dean told him softly. "We're going to get all the information out in the open and then figure something out. We can do this."
Sam laid silent for a couple minutes while Dean ran his fingers through Sam's long brown hair.
"The test checks for brain bleeds," Sam curled up closer to Dean as he spoke. "From what I understand, a bleed can mean anything from being left or right handed to affecting the whole side of the body like a stroke. They come in different grades which indicate how bad the bleed is. Severe bleeds cause very significant brain damage. I don't want that for Rayna."
Dean had tears that he didn't even bother trying to wipe away. "She has the test in the morning?"
"Yeah."
"Don't go up to the hospital after class tomorrow. Wait until I can get off work and we'll go up together to get the results. I'm pretty sure Mr. Steven will let me go early, and I don't want you up there by yourself when the results come in."
"But I need to be there," Sam argued. "She needs to know that she's loved, no matter what."
"She also needs you to be okay" Dean reminded him. "I mean it. Come home after class tomorrow. Give yourself a well-deserved break. Call and check on Rayna if it makes you feel better, just don't get the results without me."
"Okay," Sam's tears just flowed out.
"No matter what the test says, whatever the outcome is, she's still our little angel," Dean's voice was cracking.
They laid there in the dark, both sad and wishing they knew of some way to help Rayna. But, they weren't alone. Sam had told Dean all that he'd learned. There were no secrets and nothing to hide. When they finally fell asleep, it was from exhaustion. They had dreamless sleep.
***
Dean's cell phone woke them up.
"Mr. Winchester? This is Nurse Nancy from NICU. Rayna is having a difficult time on CPAP and the doctor thinks it would be in her best interest to go back on the vent."
"Yeah, whatever the doctor thinks," Dean was still half-asleep.
"I'll have to have the doctor explain it to you and then we'll have to get another person on the line here to verify that you agreed to the vent. Just say on the phone with me, okay?"
Dean waited, listened to the doctor, and gave his permission. He hung up the phone and Sam was right in his face, "What did they say?"
"She needed to go back on the vent," Dean told him.
"Do we need to be up there? How bad is she?"
"The nurse said she'll be fine. They are going to sedate her and let the vent work for her right now."
"How about Dad or Bobby? Are they able to stay with her?"
Dean flipped his phone open and called their dad's cell.
"Dean," John answered on the first ring. "I just walked outside to call you. They want to put Rayna back on the vent-"
"They have already called and I gave them my permission. What's going on up there, Dad?"
John took a deep breath and let it out. "She started to just wear out, Dean. Her heart rate went up and her oxygen saturations went down. I wanted to make sure that you gave them your permission."
"Of course I gave them my permission, but why do they need it?"
"Once a baby is taken off a vent, they need your permission to put them back on because some parents might not want their baby back on a vent."
"Why?"
"If they are leaning towards a Do-Not-Resuscitate order. If they feel that nature should just take its course. There are a couple reasons."
"Can you get back in there to sit with Rayna?" Dean asked.
"We should be able to as soon as she's on the vent. If we can't, we'll call you. You two try to sleep now. The crisis is over."
"Why doesn't it feel that way?"
"Just try to sleep son. We'll call you if anything changes."
Dean hung up the phone and didn't want to look at Sam. He didn't want to talk about what had just happened or what he'd just heard.
"Dean! What did Dad say?"
"Rayna was struggling to breathe, they could tell that by the monitors. Dad was just going to call us to make sure that we gave our permission to put Rayna back on the vent."
"Why wouldn't we?"
"Some parents don't give their permission," Dean cleared his throat. "They decide to let nature take its course."
"You don't think we should let nature take its course, do you?"
"Definitely not. I think Rayna is a fighter and we have to fight for her."
"Good," Sam sighed. "I'd hate to think that--I mean, I could see your point if she was in tremendous pain--I don't know what to say right now."
"Neither do I, Sam. If Bobby and Dad can't get back in to see her, they'll call us. Otherwise, she should be sleeping peacefully with the sedative that they gave her."
"Our poor baby. I wish I could hold her and make everything okay."
"Me, too, Sammy."
"You ready to go back in?" Bobby asked John as they stood outside in the dark.
"That was awful," John said. "To see her struggling like that and I couldn't do a damn thing to help her."
Bobby just hung his head because there was nothing he could say. It had been heart-wrenching to see and scary as hell. Bobby put an arm around John's waist and John leaned toward him.
"We should be able to go back in since she's on the vent," Bobby said softly. "She'll just be resting but we can be there."
"I don't know if I can walk back in there, Bobby," John had a tremble in his voice. "Rayna needed me and they made us leave. I should have stayed."
"They weren't going to let you stay."
"Doesn't matter. I should have been there for her."
There were no words to help with John's feelings so Bobby just let him lean on him in silence. Bobby saw huge tears drop from John's face.
"What part of this makes you unable to go back in?" he finally asked.
"I left Rayna when she needed me. She scared the hell out of me with her breathing. I don't know if I can go through seeing that again."
"It all makes sense, John. But, if you want to be there for her, you have no other choice but to go back up. Besides, you couldn't help it when the staff made us leave before putting Rayna back on the vent. They would have called security if we hadn't left and then we wouldn't be able to be there for Rayna at all. We did the right thing."
"I wish it felt that way," John sighed.
“Let’s go back in, Johnny,” Bobby turned him toward the door. “Just remember to breathe. Like you told Dean, the crisis is over. She should be resting and it will put you at ease to see her that way.”
John nodded. “I know I’ll feel better once I see her. It’s just a matter of making myself go back in.”
“I’ll be right there with you,” Bobby told him as he took his hand. “You’re a strong man, John. What you need with Rayna is a whole new kind of strength. I don’t know how you get it, but I know you need it. It must come from deep inside. I know you can find it.”
“It isn’t fair. Rayna shouldn’t have such a tough start at life.”
“I know she shouldn’t,” Bobby replied. “But there’s nothing we can do about that. All we can do is make the rest of her life better. She’ll be so loved and adored that she won’t remember anything else. That’s the best we can do, John. I know you wish there was more.”
“You know me so well,” John chuckled a little. “Trying to change what can’t be changed, and wasting my time feeling bad when I should be looking at what I can do to help.”
“You don’t waste time. It’s just your process, John. You start at feeling bad and eventually figure out what to do to help.”
“How do you do it, Bobby?”
“Do what?”
“See Rayna struggling for breath and still have the guts to go back in there without a second thought.”
“She’s a miracle. I never turn down an opportunity to see a miracle. With all that we’ve seen, it is truly an honor to meet a little miracle. We just happen to be lucky enough to be related to one.”
“I like that point of view. You’re right, Bobby. Rayna is a miracle.” John’s steps weren’t as heavy as he thought about it Bobby’s way.
***
Sam and Dean couldn't fall back to sleep.
"Sammy?" Dean reached out for him. "I can't sleep and I'm missing my blanket."
"I didn't want to keep you up. I thought you might get some sleep if I kept my restless limbs on my side of the bed."
"I can't sleep without you next to me," Dean told Sam as he pulled him close. "Want to tell me what's keeping you up?"
"Rayna."
"I figured that. What about Rayna?"
"Do you think we're doing the right thing? Fighting for her to stay with us?"
"Yes, I do," Dean kept his voice steady. "It would be different if she was in pain, which she's not. They are able to treat the problems that she has. We don't need to think about letting her go. Do you think we're doing the right thing?"
"Yeah," Sam replied. "It bothered me because we never talked about something like that. I didn't know what your thoughts were about fighting versus letting go. Now that I know we have the same point of view, I feel better."
"I'd been awake wondering along the same lines. I was trying to figure out if Rayna was in pain. She has the vent tube in her throat, IVs, and monitor lines. I think she's uncomfortable and possibly stressed. That's why they sedate her at times. I don't honestly think she's in pain. They should be able to tell that by her heart rate. She just needs time and assistance growing. That being said, I still hate that we can't pick her up and coddle her like any other parent could."
"She's so small. She's shorter than your forearm, Dean."
"How do you know?"
"I put mine down beside her the other day when I was wondering what it would be like to hold her. I know she's quite a bit smaller than mine."
"Did you leave the camera at the hospital?"
"Why?"
"Every week we should take pictures of her by our wedding rings. It would be neat to look back on later and see
how she's grown."
"That's a good idea. I'd also like to get a picture of her without her protective eyewear. Did I tell you that her jaundice is getting better so they might be able to remove the billi-lights?"
"No, you didn't, but that's some good news. This NICU thing sucks, Sammy. There is no other word to describe it but hell. We just need to remind each other that this is temporary. When we have Rayna home in our arms, it will be so much easier than now."
"I wonder when they'll let us dress her. We should buy a couple small preemie outfits with hats for her to wear."
"Where would we even find those?"
"The nurse told me about a lady here in town that makes them. I'd like Rayna to have her own clothes when she's able to wear some."
"Let's go shopping this weekend," Dean already had it planned out. "We can keep them here at home until she needs them."
"You feeling better, Dean?"
"Yeah, you?"
"Yeah," Sam sighed. "I think I could snuggle closer into you and fall asleep."
"Snuggle all you want to. Feeling you next to me puts me to sleep."
Sam moved closer as he wrapped himself around Dean and planted a kiss at the base of his neck. "I love you, Dean."
Dean kissed the top of Sam's head. "I love you, Sammy."
With the air cleared and their bodies pressed together like they were supposed to be, sleep came easy. Morning would come way too soon, but at least they fell asleep.
Dean drug himself out of bed in the morning. Caleb was awake so Dean told him to make sure Sam came right home after class instead of the hospital. He didn't want Sam going up there and getting the results by himself.
Caleb agreed to remind Sam and gave Dean a lunch he'd already packed for him.
"Thanks, Caleb."
"Take care, Dean," Caleb watched him leave in the Impala and then went to make coffee.
***
About half-way through the morning, Dean knocked on Mr. Steven's door. Mr. Steven had several stacks of papers spread out in front of him. "I need to talk to you when you have a minute. Just grab me when you have time," Dean went to close the door and leave.
"Dean!" Mr. Steven called him back in. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Your shirt is buttoned wrong," Mr. Steven looked concerned. "What did you need to talk to me about?"
"You're busy. I can come back."
"I need a break right now. Tell me what's on your mind and about that beautiful daughter of yours."
"She's actually why I needed to talk to you," Dean closed the door as he stepped in. "Rayna has some important test results coming back this afternoon and I was wondering if I could leave early to meet with the doctors."
"That's fine. What time were you thinking?"
"Would 2pm be okay?"
"Sure. Did you get any sleep last night knowing that you'd be getting results today?"
"The NICU called after we finally fell asleep because Rayna needed to be put back on the vent," Dean shoved his hands in his pockets, unaware that he didn't really answer Mr. Steven's question.
"Is Sam done with his classes yet?"
"He has a couple weeks left before he's done."
"No. I mean is he done for today?" Mr. Steven peered at Dean, knowing that he was walking around in a fog.
"I think he's done at noon. Why?"
"Go home, Dean. Get some rest before you get the results. Be there waiting when Sam gets home. I can't believe you even came in today."
"I don't want to take advantage of your goodwill," Dean sighed. "But, I could use the extra time at home."
"Let's just try this again tomorrow morning," Mr. Steven smiled. "I'll keep Rayna in my prayers."
"Thank you, Mr. Steven," Dean walked out of the office feeling like he could breathe a little easier.
***
“You’re home early,” Caleb was in the kitchen with Emma. “Want any mac and cheese? We’re just making some and I was thinking of throwing in another box.”
“Sure. Is Sam home?”
“Not yet. Was he supposed to be here?”
“No. I think I will lie down until Sam gets home. It is an insult if I just nuke your gourmet lunch then?” Dean asked.
“Of course not,” Caleb laughed. “It’ll be ready when you are.”
Dean went back to the bedroom and flopped down on the bed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. He was just hoping for a few calm minutes in the dim light to settle his nerves.
***
“We have three boxes left,” Emma told Caleb as she handed him a box of mac and cheese.
“I don’t know if this is high on Bobby and John’s list but the boys seem to like it fine. Maybe John and Bobby will finish off the other leftovers.”
“Do you need to go to the store?”
“I’ll start on a list and probably go tomorrow after I know who wants what,” Caleb replied. “Did you want to come with?”
“Yeah,” Emma nodded. “I think it would be good for me to get out.”
“I’d love the company.”
Emma smiled. “Drew and I are thinking of getting an apartment together. Isn’t that wonderful of him to change his life to take care of me?”
“That’s what a big brother does. When do you think you’ll go looking at apartments?”
“Drew is going to make some calls between classes. He knows more about what to look for. I’ll just be happy to have a place to live.”
“Are you going to take classes at the college?”
“I might start in the fall. I’d like to get a part-time job first.”
“Good plan,” Caleb smiled back. “Sounds like you are going to be just fine.”
“I hope so,” Emma took a deep breath. “It’s just a matter of getting from here to there.”
“That’s all life is, honey. Making your way from one place to another.”
***
The doctor stood at the nurses’ station looking over the report from Rayna’s MRI.
“What’s taking him so long?” Dean was trying to stay calm but was a nervous wreck.
“Ow. You’re hurting my hand,” Sam replied.
“Sorry,” Dean turned to Sam and gave him an apologetic smile. “I’m just--”
“Stressed?” Sam cut in. “I’m right there with you, Dean. Just don’t break my hand. I’m not going anywhere so you can loosen your grip a little.”
“She looks peaceful,” Dean tried to concentrate on their daughter instead of the doctor that was now on the phone.
“She needs her rest so she can keep growing,” Sam kept his voice soft. “Can you imagine how much energy it takes for her to grow to full-term?”
“When do you think she’ll get ears?” Dean couldn’t help but ask. “I can see the outline flat against her head. Do you think it will just pull away on its own?”
“Guess I never thought about it. Makes sense that they’d just keep developing like they would in the womb.”
“Mr. and Mr. Winchester?” the doctor’s voice grabbed their attention.
“Yes,” Dean answered for both of them.
“The MRI showed that Rayna has a bleed in her brain. It isn’t uncommon here in the NICU. Being on the vent is one of the risk factors for a bleed. It’s a small bleed. We will keep an eye on it to make sure that it stops, and then dissolves.”
“How will a small bleed affect her?” Sam squeezed Dean’s hand.
“There is no way to tell. Since it is on the left side of her brain, her right side would be the side affected. It could mean that she will be left-handed, or it could mean more.”
“Just tell us what the bleed means for Rayna,” Dean demanded.
“I can’t tell you,” the doctor was unruffled by Dean’s tone. “I wish I could tell you exactly how this will affect Rayna, but no one can tell you that. It will be a wait-and-see situation. If she doesn’t reach a milestone, it could be due to the bleed. Medically, we observe the bleed. The affects of the bleed won’t be known until after she’s home. You’ll have a pediatric neurologist to help you pick up on any effects of the bleed.”
“There’s nothing you can do to reverse it?” Sam asked.
“No. I’m sorry that I don’t have more information for you. I wish I had the answers.”
“Thank you, doctor,” Sam sighed. He wanted the doctor to just go away so he and Dean could digest the information they’d been given.
“If you have any more questions, just ask. That’s what I’m here for.” The doctor turned and went back to the nurses’ station.
Dean and Sam leaned against each other.
“We didn’t get much for answers,” Dean whispered.
“At least it’s a small bleed. That’s something to be thankful for.”
“I wish I knew what her future held, Sammy.”
“We’ll be there, Dean. Together we’ll get though whatever life throws at us.”
“Too bad I don’t feel as optimistic as you sound.”
“That’s okay. I’ll be the upbeat one today, but it will be your job tomorrow.”
“Deal,” Dean sighed as he laid his head on Sam. Sam rested his head on Dean. Together they watched Rayna sleep. It was all they could do.
"Dean said Rayna has a small bleed in her brain," John told Bobby when he came back into their bedroom.
"What does that mean?" Bobby asked as he held the covers back for John to crawl in beside him.
"They can't tell us. The doctors will watch the bleed to make sure it doesn't get bigger and dissolves. Time will tell how it will affect Rayna. We wait until she doesn't reach a step in her development and then it could be attributed to the bleed. There's no way to tell anything is wrong until we notice it's missing."
"How are you doing with that?" Bobby knew how John struggled with the unknown.
"I want what's best for Rayna. I want her to have everything she dreams of."
"She will, John. Her dreams might just need to be adapted to make them possible. We're gonna be here for her and we can help her with whatever challenges she faces."
"I know you're right," John laid his head on Bobby's chest and listened to his heartbeat. "I just feel empty."
"Give yourself time, You need to process the information you've been given. Then, the empty feeling should go away."
John listened to Bobby's heart for a few moments before he spoke up. "I know this is selfish of me, but do you think you could distract me for awhile? Make me forget all that is wrong?"
"It isn't selfish to ask for what you need," Bobby told him as he tilted John's head back so he could look in his dark eyes. "Your need to escape for a little bit is just as valid as needing to eat."
John's eyes looked so sad. Bobby was reminded of who Sam got his expressive puppy eyes from. Sam had used them many times as a child to get what he wanted. Bobby always fell for the puppy eyes.
Bobby kissed John tentatively and then deepened the kiss. John slowly opened up and pushed the stress of the day to the back of his mind.
At some point, John decided he wanted to be in control. He kissed Bobby more aggressively and Bobby let him take the lead. John laced his fingers through Bobby's and held them above his head. He then caressed Bobby's throat with his lips. Bobby made a whimpering noise and John was pleased.
Once their hands were free, they roamed over muscular bodies and sensitive areas. The kisses became more harsh and frantic. Bobby was having a difficult time breathing between John's kisses that left his breathless and the sensations in his body making him pant and beg for more.
John stepped and laid down by Bobby with his head on Bobby's sweaty chest. Bobby ran his fingers through John's damp hair, wondering what was going through John's head.
"Need --" John started to say something and then quit.
"Need what?" Bobby prodded him.
"Need . . ." John looked Bobby in the eye. "You in me."
"But John, I've never--"
"I trust you Bobby," John gave him a smile. "I've never had anyone in me, but I want you to be my first and only."
"Are you sure?"
John nodded, "If we run into problems, we'll talk them out."
Bobby looked at John another moment before moving to get the lubricant. John reached down to stroke Bobby's arm as he gently slid the first finger in. Bobby kept a close eye on John's reactions so that he didn't hurt him.
John's body had relaxed as a whole under Bobby's loving care.
"You ready?" Bobby asked John making certain that he was ready to take Bobby inside.
John nodded almost sleepily, "I love you, Bobby."
"Love you, too, John," Bobby replied as he slicked himself up as much as possible. He lined up and slowly pushed part of the tip in.
John sucked in air and then started to breathe normally as Bobby felt he had more room to go in.
Their loving came in stages. Bobby moved a little further, waited for John to breath normally and then waited until he felt he could move in further.
Once he was all in, he asked John, "How does it feel?"
"Wonderful," John told Bobby and then closed his eyes, concentrating on the new feelings. "I've always wanted to be closer to you. Tonight I got my wish."
"Yes, you did. I want to know what you wish for from now on . If I can help make any of them come true for you, you know I will."
John sighed, "Move a little, Bobby."
Bobby drew out a small distance and then went right back in. He could see the bliss on John's face, so he kept on.
Afterwards, they laid together in the haze of their loving.
“You sure have a knack for making a guy forget his troubles, Bobby,” John told him in a warm voice.
“That was kinda the point, wasn’t it?”
“Instead of feeling empty, I feel loved.”
“Good. Me, too.”
They laid there, a tangle of limbs, and rested until they fell asleep.
***
“Tell me if you get tired,” Caleb told Emma in the store. “Otherwise, you’ll have to climb into a cart and I’ll push you out to the car.”
“You probably would,” Emma smiled. “I’m doing fine. How far are we down the list?”
“About halfway. Just meat and frozen foods left.”
Emma followed Caleb. “Drew looked at a place this morning. He said he didn’t think it was for us.”
“That’s too bad. Think you’ll go with him next time?”
“I don’t know. If there is time for him to come pick me up, I will. Otherwise, I trust his judgment. I’m not too picky.”
They strolled along in silence. “It will be strange not to be at the Winchester’s when I move,” Emma said.
“Their door is always open to you. It will be good for you to get out on your own and work toward the life you’ve dreamed of.”
“Why does high school seem so far in the past?”
“You’ve grown up so much since then. You’ve learned new things about yourself. You’re not the same gal you were in high school. You’re going to be a college girl now.”
“College girl,” Emma repeated slowly. “I like how that sounds.”
Emma had a smile on her face as they finished their shopping.
Sam and Dean felt exhausted after their day in the NICU. They came home earlier than usual because they just couldn't stay there anymore.
"Any news?" John asked from the table where he and Bobby were eating.
"We did get some good news," Dean replied. "The hole in Rayna's heart closed."
"Then why do you look so defeated?"
"It's just the bleed. I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around it and what it will mean for Rayna."
"It's all unknown, Dean. You can't get your mind around what it will mean because we won't know for quite a while. You have to be patient with yourself. You have to wait."
"Dad, you know how Dean sucks at waiting," Sam told him. "This is no different."
Both John and Bobby nodded, recalling the many times Dean had drove them up a wall while waiting for something.
"You need to eat?" Bobby asked.
"I'm fine," both Sam and Dean muttered.
"I just want to sleep," Dean sighed.
As they walked through the living room , they said goodnight to Caleb and Emma.
***
Dean's cell phone rang at work. "Hello," he tucked the phone under his chin as he continued to tune up a car.
"Dean-"
"Sam, is something wrong with Rayna?"
"No, I'm calling with good news. We can hold Rayna when you get here today. Just remember to hop in the shower and get cleaned up before coming here. John and Bobby might want to come watch, but we're the only ones that can hold her."
"How long do we get to hold her?"
"Just until they get the incubator set up for her. We'll be able to hold her once a week while they change her bedding. Isn't that great?"
"Yeah, you've really made my day, Sam. I can't wait to hold Rayna. We're going to need pictures."
"I've got the camera here. Rayna is having such a good day."
"I'll look forward to seeing my ray of sunshine when I get up there," Dean told Sam. "I have to get back to work, but I'll be up there as soon as I am presentable."
"I wouldn't go as far as presentable, that will take too long. Just get cleaned up, Dean."
"Okay, Sammy. I love you."
"I love you, too, Dean. So does Rayna."
"I sure love our little girl."
"I know you do. I can't wait until you get up here and we get to hold her for a few minutes. Drive carefully."
"I will. Bye." Dean clicked his phone shut and continued with his day. He had a bit of a spring in his step, though.
***
Dean, John and Bobby headed up to the hospital, excited that Sam and Dean would get to hold Rayna, if only for a little bit.
Dean held her first, holding bedding more than anything. Rayna still had her lines and respirator, so the nurse had to help Dean get Rayna into his arms. Sam got teary so Bobby had to take the pictures. To Dean, she felt so small and fragile, but his heart was full of pride for his little girl. He gave Rayna a kiss before letting the nurse lift her from him.
Dean got out of the rocking chair and Sam slipped in. Sam was already a crying mess, so emotional that he was able to have these moments to connect with his daughter. Sam could only see a glimpse of Rayna beneath all the sheepskin and bedding. She was so light in his arms.
Too soon, Rayna had to be placed in her incubator. There were two portholes on each side so that they could reach in to tend to her. It was quieter for Rayna in the incubator and the nurses could cover it with a blanket if she got over stimulated.
The nurse mentioned that they might try CPAP again. Sam and Dean gave their approval as long as going back to the vent, if needed, didn't cause any harm to her.
The four men stood there around the incubator. John had an arm around Sam, who was still choked up that he was finally able to hold Rayna. It was also sadness that he had to give her back so soon.
Dean stood silent beside Bobby.
"Heck of a pretty daughter you have there, Dean."
Dean smiled. "I'll have to beat the boys like me off with a stick."
"You'll need a big stick and her papas for backup."
They laughed and it felt good considering all that they'd gone through. Sam looked at the two of them through teary eyes and grinned. John chuckled without even knowing what they were laughing about. It just felt good.
"When will we be able to dress her?" Dean asked.
"After she is able to regulate her body temperature on her own," the nurse said. "If you want to bring clothes. She will need to be assessable for monitor lines. A bunting would work or something that has buttons or snaps down the front."
"We'll be bringing up some clothes for when the time comes," Dean smiled. "Rayna is beautiful and she deserves clothes that enhance her beauty."
"We're going with pink then?" Sam asked with a smile.
"Some pink," Dean got defensive. "Some other colors, too."
"Here in the NICU they also have to wear caps and socks. It helps keep their body heat in."
John had pulled a small notepad out of his pocket and wrote that down. "Anything else she needs up here?"
"Nope. And, we have clothes if you don't want to bring any up here. Any time they get dirty, they get thrown in the wash. We mark whose they are on the tag, but sometimes they still get lost."
"We'll buy plenty to allow for that," John assured her.
"As she gets bigger, you'll be able to hold her more and for a longer period of time. I know it is hard to hand her back to us, but you two did fine. From now on it will be once a week for a few minutes that you'll get to hold her. We'll make sure you know the time we want to change her bedding well enough ahead of time so you can be here and take advantage of that chance to hold her."
"That would be great," Sam told her. "If we can do anything to take care of her, let us know. It would make us feel more like parents."
"We will," the nurse smiled at them. "We'll have you changing diapers in no time."