I don't like it here. Dawn's mad at me because I want to leave. I'm going to move to Denver and dye my hair black and change my name to Alicia and try to discover myself
Or maybe not.
There are more vampires here than you can shake a stake at, and that's what I've been doing, stake-rattling, and...
I thought if I just tested things, then I would know, but...it's more complicated than that, because what I know now is that no one here trusts me, not even the people who know me. Probably especially the people who know me. Angel
Maybe I'm not
And now I really don't know...I mean, I don't trust this big group of people who live in Lawrence by general consensus which I think means whatever you can get away with and lots of threats. It's the Lawrence way, except of course when I threaten vampires, that's totally different.
But I guess I got away with it.
Anyway, I can't lie to you, I've thought about just going back to the complex and forgetting the whole thing. It would be so easy. But it would be...not living. It's like all the people who say don't have a death wish...but death is part of life. Not accepting death is not living. Right? (Yeah, I can't really see you just nodding along either, but it makes sense in my head. I'm gonna die some day. That's just how it is. Living isn't trying to avoid that, or seek it out, it's ... caring? Not ignoring yourself? I don't even know. I'm not very good at this, Giles. I'm really not.)
But if I want to be living I just can't stay here like that, accepting something because it's easier. If I stay here, I'm saying that I agree with whatever agreements have been made, whatever compromises, most of which I know nothing about, and I'm signing on to a truce that no one ever explained the exact terms of, but they seem pretty lousy. Plus there's also the whole deal where everyone here knows as much or more about me than I do, apparently, but I'm still trying to ignore that.
I just wish... Oh Giles, I've made such a mess of things with Dawn.
And I'm really not as rational as I'm trying to seem for you, even if you're not here. I'm broken but I'm not crazy. I think they all think I'm crazy. I'm just...
I don't know who I am.
I don't even know who I want to be.
I feel like I'm fighting to be anyone at all, when everyone around me wants something different and I...I just... and the more they try to tell me that I have to be this way or that way or shut up or don't act like a threat or be a better sister for Dawn or don't try to die or have more fun or just accept that Lawrence is the way that it is or try harder or don't go or love me more or or or or ...
God. I can't
I'm glad you understand, Giles in my head. It makes me feel much better.
NOT. You should come here and tell me what you really think. Except I'm really sorta scared that you'll think I'm crazy too, and then
[Dawn]
I've been thinking about what you said about threats. People threaten people all the time.
I don't know if When I became the Slayer, you were so young Lawrence is but threats aren't always empty. And I'm worried that you think And I just want you to know that if you're ever threatened, if you feel unsafe, no matter who's threatening you or whether you think it's normal, and wherever I am or whatever I'm doing, I will
probably do something that'll make you mad
Actually, I guess there's no reason to say anything while you're on vacation. I'll just
[Allison]
Hi. Remember me? We talked about doing stuff together, and I don't know if you still want to, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm leaving, and give you the chance to tell me that actually you changed your mind anyway, or maybe weigh in or how much of a mistake I'm making, or