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Oliver Pike ([info]notafishie) wrote in [info]wariscoming,
@ 2010-02-17 15:13:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:faith lehane, pike

Who: Faith and Pike
Where: The bus station.
What: Pike tries to get through to Faith.
When: Early morning.
Ratings: NC-17.
Status: Complete

Typing up the message on the boards didn’t take long. He thought about including Buffy on the list, but honestly wasn’t sure if she’d care and didn’t have time to sit there debating it. Andrea, Clark, and Ruby had been the most helpful and interested the whole time, so they were three he let know. Once that was done, he threw on his coat, checked a map of Lawrence quickly on his phone, and then made a beeline for the bus station.

He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to her when he got there. The fear of screwing things up nagged at the back of his mind, but now that he knew where she was, a strange sort of calm had come over him. No time for doubts now. Whatever he was going to do, he needed to get it done before her bus left. Otherwise he’d have to start over in whatever town or city she ended up in. If it came to that, he would do it in a heartbeat, but he would really prefer not to.

He smoked a single cigarette on the way, to keep his nerves in control. Part of him was preparing for the worst. Faith had been trying to push him away when he didn’t even know where she was. Now that he would be staring her in the face, he had a feeling things would get even more intense. He had to keep his cool and steel his resolve for anything that might happen here. The cig helped him do that. He finished it just as he neared the bus station, and tossed the used butt into a trashcan as he passed it by.

The doors didn’t even slow him down. He just shoved through them, took a few steps in, and looked around the station. When he couldn’t immediately spot her, he considered looking, but decided he didn’t want to risk wasting time. So instead he strode purposefully up to the ticket counter and cut in front of the line, currently four people deep. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, the people behind him started snapping.

Pike turned, and fixed them with a glare that would have vaporized them all if looks could kill. It helped that the shiner on his chin, while faded, was still pretty visible and the cut above his left eyebrow was only covered by a tiny band-aid. “I’ll just be a minute,” he replied, his tone glacial. “You can wait.” Without so much as a second glance, he turned back to the ticket clerk, dropping both forearms onto the counter. “Hi. I’m looking for a girl, would’ve come in here a little bit ago.” He briefly described Faith, ignoring the clerk when he tried to speak. “She been here?”

“I really can’t-“ Pike gave the clerk an impatient glare, fished in his pocket, whipped out a $100, and dropped it onto the counter in front of the clerk. “-can’t lie to you, I did she her.” The clerk scooped up the cash and stuffed it into his pocket lightning fast. “Bought a ticket a little while ago.”

“She still here?” The clerk considered it and then nodded his head in the general direction he’d seen Faith go off in. “Good. Gimme one ticket, exact same type and destination.” Yet again, the people behind him complained, but this time Pike just ignored them. They weren’t important right now. The clerk prepared the asked for ticket, Pike forked over the cash, snatched the ticket package, and headed off in the direction the clerk had nodded. He kept his head down, and tried to stay near large groups. He was hoping to spot her before she spotted him, so he could use the element of surprise to his advantage.



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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-17 08:37 pm UTC (link)

Emotionally, Faith was a wreck. Physically you wouldn't tell by looking at her. She had done the smart thing for once. After telling Pike that things would be different after she left, she had gone to a store and actually bought a knapsack. She hit up a store for an extra change of clothes, then went to a pharmacy and gotten a few hygienic items.

When she finally made it to the bus station, she had bought a ticket to the first place she'd seen on the list, which had been Atlanta. She didn't really care where she went, as long as it was far from Kansas and Pike and Buffy and everyone else. What did they care if she left?

Faith hadn't mentioned it, but the couple of nights she'd been alone, her nightmares had come back. The ones from the coma, even the one that she had buried the first time around, of that first guy she had killed. And yeah the ones she killed after? Also made an appearance. As she sat in a chair across from her gate, her arms were crossed over herself and the look on her face warned even the toughest drug dealers to stay away. All she wanted to do right now was leave.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-17 08:55 pm UTC (link)
Staying under the radar and milling about people coming and going meant that it took Pike a few minutes to spot her. He was painfully aware of every minute that ticked by. He glanced down once, to check the departure time on the ticket. Yeah, this was going to be close. He also noted the destination. Atlanta. Heck of a run.

When he did spot her, he took a second to take in just how she looked. She'd prepared herself for the long haul, that much he could tell. He would have his work cut out for him trying to convince her to stay around. He silently slipped the ticket package into the pocket of his jacket. He didn't want her to know he'd purchased the ticket until he chose to tell her. Hopefully she wouldn't have to know until they went to return the tickets, but if necessary, he would pull it out as the proverbial ace up his sleeve.

He kept his head down as he separated from the group he'd been using for camouflage, grabbed a loose chair, and dragged it over to the gate. He had a feeling she would know something was up, but he wasn't the only one with a leather jacket. Once the chair was close enough that they would be able to talk without everyone in the bus station overhearing, he simply turned and dropped into it, using his scruffy hair as a sort of veil to hide his face.

Apparently that look on her face scared away drug dealers, but not crazy-determined would-be lovers.

He took a breath, then simply leaned his head back and let his hair fall away from his face, not quite smiling but not frowning, either. When he spoke, it was in a soft voice. "Found you."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-17 09:37 pm UTC (link)

Faith needed a cigarette. Badly. But she was behaving-mainly because she didn’t want to get forced to stay behind by some stupid guy who didn’t like that she was smoking inside the station. Her eyes were out of focus as she stared at the ugly yellow tile floor. It struck her suddenly-who would ever think yellow tile was a good idea? It looked like piss.

She was so engrossed in trying to not think about anything in particular that she didn’t even notice a chair being dragged over to her, or even someone sitting in it.

”Found you.”

Her head jerked up in surprise, and she looked over at him. After a moment, she shook her head, looking away again. “What the hell are you doing here?” This wasn’t a place for him. Not with her, anyway. “Just go away.”

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-17 10:10 pm UTC (link)
Pike slid down in his seat a little, resting his hands on his stomach. "Well, I thought I'd come down to the bus station to people watch. Y'know, see the people coming and going." The amused, slightly sarcastic tone to his voice made it clear that it was a joke. He smiled. "Also I figured you would be here."

He turned a little more serious then. "I'm not going anywhere. Didn't we already cover this, Faith? I care about you. I'm not leaving." There was steely determination in his voice. He wasn't leaving. She would no more budge him on that point than he could lift a space shuttle.

He sat forward, resting his forearms on his knees. He tried to catch her gaze. He considered reaching for her hand, but decided against it, for now. "I know how you're feeling, Faith." In more ways than one, but he was talking about being afraid to make a connection. "You think it was easy for me after Benny? He got snatched from right next to me. Literally inches. And after that, for the longest time, I was terrified that if I let myself get close to someone, I'd wake up one day and poof, they'd be gone, just like him." That was part of why he'd been afraid to tell Buffy how he felt about her, back in the day. "I know how it feels. But I also know how being with you makes me feel. And that feeling? It's worth the risk."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-17 10:57 pm UTC (link)
He was wearing her down. The bad thing was, they both knew it. When he told her that he understood, Faith whirled on him, anger in her gaze mixing with the pain of memories. "You don't know shit about the way I feel! You have no idea how it feels." She almost told him. Her lips had actually parted and she was about to tell him everything, even how hard it was to look herself in the eyes. "You don't know, okay?"

She glanced at the talk. They should be boarding soon, but even 20 minutes seemed too far away at the moment. She wanted to stay, but she wasn't any good for him. "I'm not worth any kind of risk, Pike. Trust me, you don't want me. Or you won't, when you find out what I did."

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-17 11:17 pm UTC (link)
And here it was. Part of him had been dreading this. He would have to voluntarily bring up the memories of Detroit, and all that they brought with them. He could only pray talking about it didn't trigger another flashback. He knew there was no way he'd be able to look at her while talking about it, he knew he'd probably end up shaking like a junkie in withdrawal, but if he could keep his mind in the present he'd consider it a victory.

"What you did, huh?" He swallowed convulsively, then caught her eyes briefly with his own. He didn't even bother trying to fight the shadow that passed over his eyes. "You're right. I don't know what you did. But I know what I did." Then he let his head flop back, resting on the rim of the chair so that he was staring at the ceiling. "You got time for another of my stories, Faith? S'not as funny as the one where I got puked on. But it's more important. A lot more important."

He'd already tensed up. Yeah, this wasn't going to be fun. But if it helped, then he'd do it.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-17 11:38 pm UTC (link)

Faith eyed him warily. Despite how she wanted to feel, she was concerned. She knew there was no way he could have healed that quickly, and she figured he shouldn't even be out of bed. But since he wanted to tell her something...well, let's just say she figured she owed him.

Least she could do was hear him out.

"Fine. Tell me this story." She might as well listen.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-17 11:50 pm UTC (link)
Pike licked his lips and closed his eyes, trying to zen out as much as possible before he started. His mouth worked soundlessly, opening and closing a couple times as his brain tried to figure out a good starting point. It took him a full minute before he even said anything. When he did, it was pretty blunt and to the point.

"I'm a childkiller." Once that one sentence was out, the rest of the story flooded out of him like water from a breached dam. He told her everything. He told her how he'd been in Detroit on a little vacation, told her how he'd discovered the wolf, everything. He even told her how he'd planned on enjoying killing the thing. His hands had started shaking almost from the word go, and he'd pressed them hard into his legs to try and get them to stop. He wasn't successful.

The last bit of the story came haltingly, as he had to stop to swallow an annoyingly persistent lump in his throat several times. But he did finish, and when he did, he lifted his head and looked at her again. His eyes looked haunted, and there was a suspicious wetness there that he didn't want to acknowledge by brushing it away. "So whatever it is you did? I think I might be able to understand it, at least a little bit." His hands were still shaking, despite the almost white-knuckled grip he had on his legs.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 12:05 am UTC (link)

While he told her about Detroit, Faith was silent. She sat quietly, listening closely. And in the end? She probably would have done the same thing. She couldn't blame him.

"If you had known, you would have found some other way." Was the first thing she said. Then she continued. "Would you have killed the kid in cold blood? Or enjoyed it, if you had known it was only a kid?" Faith was shaking her head before he could even answer, "Nah, you wouldn't have done that. You're not the killing kind. Not really, when it's a real person who never did anything to you. Maybe once might have been a mistake, but doing it twice more after, and knowing exactly what you were doing?" She shook her head. "You could never do that."

It was fairly obvious that she wasn't talking about him any longer. She knew when she had killed those guys that it had been wrong, but it hadn't stopped her from doing it. Or enjoying it.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 12:36 am UTC (link)
He thought about what Faith was saying. He picked up on the fact that she wasn't really talking about him any longer. He thought very carefully about his words before he said anything. "It's a monster, Faith. It's a monster that lives right in here." He tapped his chest, in the area of his heart. "Doesn't matter whether your first time is an accident or not. That monster just curls up around your heart and starts eating you alive. You can fight it, if you've got people around you to support you. Failing that, you can hide from it. That's why I did, boozing myself to high hell so that I can barely remember a couple days over the span of a couple months. If I hadn't done that?" He shrugged helplessly. "Things might've gone a whole different way. 'Cause I didn't have anybody. Not a single person I could've called. And I couldn't have fought off the monster on my own. So that would leave one option: Feed it. Make the pain go away by giving in to the monster."

He leaned forward again, resuming the position he'd had before the story. His hands trembled a little, but they were gradually steadying. "Those couple days I can remember? I was damn close. It hurt so bad that sometimes I just wanted to say fuck it, fuck this, fuck trying to be good, I just want to stop hurting so let's fucking party. Only reason I didn't is because I was sober so rarely that when I was, I had the strength to fight it off. If I'd been sober more often? No way I could've dealt with the relentless onslaught. Hell, I can still barely deal the memory of it now. No way would I have been able to handle it then."

He sucked in a breath before continuing. "I've moved past it now. Mostly. But it never goes away. On a good day, I'm mostly fine. But on a bad day?" He smirked mirthlessly. "Take the other day, those three jerkoffs in the club. I was turning to leave when the first punch hit. Only reason I was leaving? I caught myself thinking about pulling out my gun and making them regret mouthing off to me." He sighed, looking down at his hands, steady now. "Three 'real people' who's only crime was being retarded enough to mouth off to the wrong guy. And they were about this close," he pinched his index finger and thumb about an inch apart, "from getting nice big holes blown in their heads."

He looked up from his hands now, his eyes back on her, intense. "So yeah. I get it. I wish I didn't, but I do."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 12:53 am UTC (link)

"You forgot one thing. You can embrace it, let it take over. Keep killing." After that first guy, Finch, she had gone on a downwards spiral, and it hadn't helped, seeing the accusations in everyone's eyes. Finally, she looked over at him again. "It's not the same. You reacted like that out of guilt. You're looking at the real monster now.". She whispered the final words, not noticing that her hands were shaking. "Just let me go, Pike...I...I can't deal with this. I can't stay here." She wasn't strong enough to owe up to her mistakes, and she knew it.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 01:17 am UTC (link)
"The only reason I'm not sitting right where you are now is because I happened to have a lot of booze around. If I hadn't had that, I'd have gone down the same path. I couldn't have fought it off myself." He looked at her, really looked at her. Was he wrong about her? Was he seeing things that weren't there because of his own issues?

No.

"Maybe you feel like you can't fight it off alone, but you're not alone anymore, Faith. Or you don't have to be. You can let me in. I can't promise it'll be easy, but I can promise you that you won't ever have to be alone again." He noticed her hands shaking. He heard the whisper. His heart was breaking for her. He wanted to reach out and take her hands so badly... Fuck it. He reached out to take her hands, keeping his movements slow so as not to spook her.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 01:51 am UTC (link)
Things were still so fresh for her. It felt like less than a month ago that everything had gone to hell. The coma had really messed with her sense of time. She met his eyes slowly. "Why are you doing this? Why do you even care? You should be telling me to go to the police, to give myself up, or some shit like that." She never would've done that, but the way he was acting confused her.

When he reached out for her hands, she didn't move. Her eyes just fell to them, watching as he took her hands. The PA system crackled and they made the announcement for her bus. Blinking at the interruption, she glanced towards the gate and saw people starting to line up, then looked back to him slowly. "I should go..."

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 02:49 am UTC (link)
Some pretty complex questions, there. The cops bit was simultaneously the least and most complex part of her comments. "Prison's not the answer." The truth was, prison by itself wouldn't help. What would help is having someone to lean on, someone to talk to. She might have even found that in prison, but the chances were slim.

"Why am I doing this? Because I want to help you. Because I care. Why do I care?" He brushed his thumbs along her knuckles lightly. "I care because I see you. In a lot of little ways, you've let me see little glimpses of you. The real you. I know you can't see it, but when I look at you, I see someone so amazing. Bad shit's happened to you, and you've made mistakes, but even then you still took care of a total stranger. You could have left me in that alley. You could have, but you didn't. When I hurt, you went out of your way to make me feel better. There was nothing in it for you, but you did it anyway. Those aren't the actions of a monster, Faith."

He gave her hands an affectionate squeeze. "I care because you're the first person that's been able to make me feel something in over a decade. I care because I know what going through this alone is like, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I care because I think I've fallen for you." He smiled at her, a small but genuine thing. "I care for a lot of reasons."

He glanced over at the gate. "You could go." Then he looked back at her. "Or you could stay." He lifted his eyebrows, hopeful.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 03:03 am UTC (link)
She let out a soft breath when he said prison wasn't the answer. She'd killed three people. Most people would say that's exactly where Faith belonged.

When he started to tell her why he was still there with her, her eyes slowly met his again. "I have?" Faith frowned, thinking back as he talked about what he could see in her. Maybe..maybe he was right. She couldn't see it yet, but maybe he was.

She shot the gate one last look as they said something about final boarding for the bus, then looked at him once again. "I....I'll stay. For now, anyway." Faith had no idea how she'd get through the next few weeks, days-hell, even hours. But she'd try, for him.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 03:37 am UTC (link)
He let out his own breath when she said she'd stay. He couldn't help it, he smiled in relief. "I'm glad." He squeezed her hands again. "I'll be here for you, Faith. Whatever you need, I'll be here." He'd take care of the tickets later. As long as he got them refunded today, it would probably be fine. There were more important things to handle right now than a little money. "C'mon. Let's go home. We can get some breakfast on the way, if you want."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 03:44 am UTC (link)
She gave a faint nod. "Yeah...food would be good, I guess." Faith shrugged a bit, then slowly stood, shooting the gate one last look. She then turned to him, and realized her hands were still in his. She was close to breaking down, and really needed to get out of there.

"Can we just...go, now, please?" She suddenly felt a little lost. She'd been so ready to take off that staying behind hadn't even been on her list of options.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 04:10 am UTC (link)
"Absolutely." He let go of one of her hands so they could move, but held onto the other. He would let her decide whether to break that connection or not. That done, he waited for her to retrieve her knapsack, and once she had he led them out. Anyone that got in their way or looked at them funny received stern glares.

He considered getting a cab, but decided against it. Faith clearly didn't want to be around people right now, so getting a cab, with someone as a driver, seemed counterproductive. Instead, he decided to take some alley shortcuts, which would take a little longer but leave them mostly out of sight. If she was going to break down, he figured she'd prefer the privacy.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 04:19 am UTC (link)
Faith glanced at their hands as she scooped up her knapsack, slowly pulling it onto her shoulder. She felt fragile, like a single wrong word would shatter her into a thousand pieces. Hell, for all she knew, it would.

One last deep breath, before she slowly walked outside with him. She glanced blankly around at the street, not sure exactly how to get back to the motel. "Actually, I'm not that hungry, really." Which meant she was probably really freaked at the moment. Under her clothes, she could still feel the bruises and fresh scratches from her fight with the two chicks the day before, and all of a sudden it just made her very tired.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 04:40 am UTC (link)
Pike knew there was a long road ahead for the both of them. But he was hopeful. He believed in her, even if she couldn't right now. He hadn't been this certain about something in a long time.

He glanced at her when she said she wasn't that hungry and squeezed her hand lightly. "That's fine. We can worry about food later." He was being very careful not to say anything that could even possibly be construed as him going away. Even something as mundane as 'I can run out to grab something later.' Right now, it was important that he stay with her.

He knew the way back to the motel pretty well. It would take a little longer than a cab, but still probably less time than walking back following the actual streets.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 05:03 am UTC (link)
By the time they made it back to the motel, Faith felt like even more of a wreck. She'd been silent the entire walk. As they walked in, she took her hand from his and walked over to the far wall. She leaned against it slowly, turning back around to him.

"...What now?" She didn't know what to do next. Faith just crossed her arms over herself, her eyes falling again to the floor.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 05:34 am UTC (link)
Pike crossed to the side of the bed across from her and sat down on the edge. "That's the million dollar question." Pike wasn't big on the 'brood a lot' school of thought. All that did was keep you in a loop of never-ending pain, and that wasn't what this was about. "You don't have to do anything right now, if you don't want. Hasn't been an easy couple of days for either of us, I think we both have some R&R time coming to us." Boy, that was an understatement. "But let me ask you this: What do you want to do now?"

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 05:43 am UTC (link)
"I...I don't know." She gave a small shrug, still staring at the floor. "I just...don't know what to do or anything..." God but she felt so lost.

Maybe she should have left anyway.

A part of her wanted to tell him the full story, what had happened...but she didn't know how he'd react. She was afraid to tell him, and hated admitting that to herself.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 06:10 am UTC (link)
"Well." He thought about it, cocking his head to one side. "We could talk." That sparked something off in his mind, and he held up a hand. "Actually, that's something I want to tell you. This," he waved his hand in a general circle, "all this? It means that above all else, you can talk to me. About anything. Everything from the little things to the big things, from the most banal to the life-changing. Doesn't matter how good, bad, silly, or serious it is. I'll listen. And I won't judge. I'm not here to judge you."

Despite how serious the situation was, he wanted to try and cheer her at least a little. "I mean, really, I'd look terrible in a powdered wig and big robe." Then he got back to the serious bits. "I'm here to support you. Not judge. Never that. So at any point, if there's anything you feel like you want to talk about? You do it. I don't care if you decide to wake me up at 4am to talk about something, you'll have my rapt attention."

"So." He patted the spot next to him. "C'mere. Talk to me. 'Bout anything."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 03:50 pm UTC (link)
She watched him for a long moment before slowly walking over and sitting next to him. She was glad he'd said all that, because she probably wouldn't have been here, otherwise.

She shifted so she was sitting cross-legged, her hands in her lap and her eyes on her hands. She could still see the blood there, even though she'd washed it off a long time ago. As she began to speak, it was in a rush, as if any word from him would shut her up again.

"The first time, B and I were fighting these vamps, kinda getting into it. We dusted them all, when this guy just kind of popped up out of nowhere. I couldn't stop. I thought he was a vampire...I just...staked him. When he didn't dust, B started freaking out and saying things like we had to go to the cops..." She shook her head. She didn't want to go on with that one.

"The second time? I just shot this guy with an arrow. I probably didn't have to. He wasn't attacking me. I was just tryin' to get this thing my boss had ordered, and I...shot him in the back." She refused to look at him while she spoke. "The last time? This professor guy. My boss wanted him dead, had even given me a new blade and everything. So I took care of it. Didn't give a shit."

Her biggest fear was that she still didn't care. She just couldn't dredge up the remorse or guilt she should be feeling.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 08:41 pm UTC (link)
Pike listened silently while Faith talked. He'd been expecting the first one, thanks to his talk with Buffy just after he'd lost the kryptonite-given powers. The second two, while he hadn't really known the details, he'd had some clue were coming thanks to their talk at the bus station.

Not once did his face or eyes change. They still held quiet compassion and empathy. Not pity, he wouldn't feel sorry for her because she didn't need or want that, but he could and did feel for her. He hadn't been lying about not judging her. He just listened, taking it in. Also from his conversation with Buffy, he knew the boss she referred to had been the Mayor of Sunnydale. It hadn't really surprised him that a politician was evil. Just like it hadn't surprised him to find out that there was an evil law firm in his town. Hell, he'd considered that one kind of redundant.

Another piece of the Sunnydale puzzle snapped into place in Pike's head. She'd killed for the Mayor. While Pike didn't doubt that Faith would have killed at that point in time, he doubted very much that she would have killed for someone, without there being some kind of relationship there. Had the Mayor manipulated her? Perhaps.

Then again, perhaps not. Pike was old enough, and had been doing this for long enough, to know that 'good' and 'evil' never quite fully described anything. Not even vampires, although some could be pigeonholed that easily. He'd worked with some hunters who were good, but some of the meanest, scariest sons of bitches a guy could ever meet. He'd also met bad guys who were on the whole not terrible people. Hell, he'd had tea and a pleasant conversation with a vampire who used to be a samurai. Sure, he'd taken off the vamp's head in a duel about an hour later, but the tea was good and the vamp hadn't even tried to poison it. When asked, the vampire had simply responded that he still had a sense of honor.

If a vampire could still hold the honor code of the human it was mimicking to some importance, then any evil person could easily do the same. And Faith, who at the time had probably desperately needed a connection, any connection, could easily have let herself sink to any depths for whoever was on the other end of that connection.

"You might not ever," he told her honestly, gentle. "It's in the past. Giving a shit about them now, honestly, would be kind of pointless. You can't change what you did. You shouldn't dwell. That'll trap you in a loop of self-torment that won't ever end, and that won't help anyone." His voice was soft, but earnest. He wasn't being harsh, and he wasn't trying to just brush two dead innocents under the rug. But guilt wouldn't change the past. If it would, that poor kid in Detroit would not only have never become a werewolf, his parents would've won the lottery and he'd be living some richie-rich, never-want-for-anything life somewhere a hell of a lot nicer than Detroit. "The future is the important thing."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 08:59 pm UTC (link)

"Not that far in the past." She hesitated, then looked over at him. "I just can't get you. Most people," she was thinking of Buffy here, "would tell me I should be making amends and feeling bad and all that other shit." Faith shook her head a little, looking down again. She breathed a soft sigh of frustration. "I'm not sure what I should be feeling."

"I do kinda miss him." She glanced over at him. "My boss I mean. I know it sounds dumb, but...he...he was kinda mike a dad to me. Closest I can remember, anyway. I found out just before I ended up here that he was dead." A small shrug was given before she met his eyes uncomfortably. She would've done anything for him.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-18 09:33 pm UTC (link)
"Making amends." Pike couldn't quite contain the sarcasm in his voice when he said that. "Making amends. I really hate that phrase." He shook his head, then looked over at her. "Or maybe I should say I hate the perception of it. People say that phrase and they think it means some kind of karmic balance sheet. Do good deeds, check off the bad things you've done, and you're golden." He made a slicing motion with one hand. "That's not how it works. Not in the real world, anyway. For example, does some guy in New York care that a careless demon hunter shot a kid in Detroit? Nope. They weren't affected by what I did at all, so I don't owe them a damn thing." He shrugged. "The only people still alive that I owe anything to are that kid's family and friends. That's it. I don't owe the human race, or the world, or karma, or whatever. And neither do you."

He also had something to say about that second part. "As far as feeling bad goes..." He shrugged again. "You could. You could feel bad about things you can't change, if you wanted. You'd be miserable, because no matter how bad you felt it wouldn't change anything, and all that misery would do is make it harder for you to move on." He reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder. "You should feel whatever you want to feel. Nobody can tell you the 'right' way to feel about something, 'specially not something as serious as this."

Pike's smile was just a little wistful as she talked about her boss. "Doesn't sound dumb to me. Then again, considering my father figure wasn't really much of one, I could be biased." He gave her shoulder a little squeeze when she said he was dead. "I'm sorry," he told her softly. What surprised even him was that he kind of was. Was he sorry that some guy planning an apocalypse was gone? No. But he was sorry that her surrogate father was. The fact that he was the same guy, well.

Sometimes morality could be so damn confusing.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-18 11:52 pm UTC (link)

Faith looked over at him, a little confused. She had thought that was how it was supposed to work-according to Buffy, even Angel, anyway. She knew that she probably wasn’t as smart as Buffy-after all, Buffy had been around for the past ten years. Faith was still stuck in the past, and before the coma, she’d been 18. She hadn’t finished school, or college, or anything like that. The only thing the now-19 year old knew was how to fight. So she wasn’t too clear on how things always worked. When he said something about owing the kid’s family, her eyes fell. She knew nothing about the guys she’d killed, or who they might have been important to.

“I…I want to not hate myself.” The words were spoken quietly, without her looking at him. But she couldn’t help but tilt her cheek a little bit against his hand on her shoulder, needing to feel something, anything.

“I didn’t really have any kind of parents. I mean-my mom was around. And whatever fuck buddy of the week she had. But…remember when I told you about that chick, Diana? My Watcher?” She glanced over, waiting for him to nod, then went on. “She was almost like a mom. She took me in to train me, but...I don’t know. I guess she’s the closest I might’ve had. ‘Til she got killed, anyway.” With Buffy’s help, she’d gotten revenge for Diana. That was one of the few things she could be thankful to Buffy for. When he said he was sorry, she looked over at him, a little confused. “S’not your fault. You didn’t blow him up.”

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-19 02:31 am UTC (link)
Pike would've been amused to find out his philosophies about redemption differed from Buffy's. Not surprised, but amused. They came from two completely different walks of life. Of course, Pike hadn't spoken to her beyond shop talk and discussions about Faith since he'd gotten here, and before then he hadn't spoken to her since leaving Vegas.

When she tilted her cheek against his hand, he lifted his index finger and gently brushed the back of it against her cheek. He reached out with his other hand, lacing his fingers in with hers. "Then you have to let the pain go, Faith. You have to take all those horrible memories and try to put them behind you. Embrace the future." It wasn't the only way, he knew. Despite his dislike of the previously mentioned method of redemption, he did knew it helped some people. But he just didn't get the urge for emotional self-flagellation when it wouldn't change anything. And if Faith didn't want to hate herself, then that wouldn't be the way to go for her.

Yet again, his heart broke for her. God, why were so many of their lives touched by tragedy in some way? He'd heard people back home talking about the Powers That Be. He didn't really buy it, but if they were real? They were the Powers That Be Dicks. And he would not be too afraid to think it, quietly, where they would hopefully not hear it and melt his face off.

He didn't ask how Diana died. He didn't think now was the right time, and besides, he could take a guess. The Slayer/Watcher relationship was dangerous for both, after all. He still remembered Merrick, Buffy's first Watcher, and what happened to him. He didn't need to know the details right now, although he was planning to ask about her later.

Blow him up. Okay. He hadn't expected to hear that one ever. Sure, Pike thought blowing up a demon sounded kind of awesome, but he was kind of surprised Buffy had apparently agreed. "No, I didn't. But I can be sorry anyway."

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-19 03:08 am UTC (link)
"I'm not so sure I like the future." Faith replied, before glancing down at where their hands were entwined. "Well, 'cept maybe one part of it." She gave him a small half-smile, looking up to him again. She felt somewhat drained, and more tired than she was used to. It showed in her face, too.

When he said he was sorry anyway, she nodded a little. "Thanks, I guess. I...just wish I'd had the chance to talk to him before he..." She trailed off, frowning. "I don't really want to think about it anymore..." Her eyes met his again, and her hand tightened on his.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-19 03:32 am UTC (link)
Pike returned her smile with one of his own, nodding his agreement with what she'd said about the future. She might not have realized it, but he felt she'd already taken the first step, just by talking about all this and admitting to it all. It wouldn't be easy, and it was still a long road, but she'd taken one of the hardest steps of all: Letting someone in.

He noticed how drained she looked, and after giving her hand a small, comforting squeeze, he nodded. "It's alright. It's been a rough couple'a days, I think we could both do with some rest. Sound good?"

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-19 05:03 am UTC (link)
Faith nodded. "Yeah. Sleep would be real good right about now." She let go of his hand to reach down and take off her boots, tossing them to one side. She looked over at him, then slowly shifted until she was laying on the bed, stretched out beside him. She waited until he had lay down as well, then moved in actually curled up against him, moving into his arms. Her eyes dared him to say something about it, or make a joke, as she lay her head on the pillow beside his.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-19 05:23 am UTC (link)
He took off his own boots, chucked them aside, and laid down next to her. He caught the look when she curled up against him, and he couldn't even imagine making a joke right at that instant. He knew what it meant for her to willingly curl up with someone like this, and he wasn't going to treat that like a joke.

He did smile, but it was a genuinely happy one, not an amused one. Then he just held her and closed his eyes. He wasn't going to fall right to sleep, though. It wasn't that he thought she would take off again. He trusted her, and believed she was sticking around. He was just worried, and wanted to make sure she got to sleep alright.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-19 05:55 am UTC (link)
About three hours later


It started with, outwardly, tossing and turning. Faint moans escaped her lips. Inwardly, though, Faith was screaming.

"What's the matter, F? Can't take it twice?" Buffy stood over her, holding two knives-the one the mayor had given her, and the newest one. Both were stuck in her stomach, cutting deep, but Faith couldn't even fall back. When B finally pulled the blades from her, Faith stumbled forward a step, then tripped over the Mayor's body. A scream erupted from her throat as she tried to get him to wake up, but then suddenly he was Finch, with her stake sticking out his heart. He was dead, but he looked right at her. "This is all your fault." His voice was that of Diana's even as the body changed to the guy she'd shot the arrow into, then the last guy, the Professor. Faith fell back from the body and lifted her hands to cover her face, but stopped when she saw how much blood covered them. She began to scrub her hands together, when Buffy suddenly stood over her again. "It'll never wash out. You can't get rid of it."

Faith's moans became a shriek as she thrashed under the sheet that Pike had at some point pulled over her.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-19 06:18 am UTC (link)
Pike pulled the sheet over her once he'd determined that she was asleep enough that it wouldn't wake her up. Once that was done, he just watched her sleep for a bit, hoping that his concerns would be unfounded. Unfortunately, when she started tossing and turning, he had a feeling his worry hadn't been baseless. She was having a nightmare, which shouldn't have surprised him. After everything they'd talked about, it only made sense.

And then suddenly, what had started as some tossing, turning, and moaning turned into shrieks and thrashing. His eyes widened, unprepared for the sudden shift from troubled to outright terrified. He panicked for a second, before clamping down on it so he could focus. He knew waking her up might be a tricky prospect, and could result in him being on the receiving end of a particularly wild thrash from a Slayer.

And then he looked at the terror in her face and all thoughts of his own safety went out the window. He shifted so that he could reach out both arms, then wrapped both of them around her and pulled her close. "Faith," he spoke softly but insistently. "Faith, it's okay. You're okay. It's not real. It's just a nightmare." He was hoping that the action of pulling her close would either wake her up, or that his voice, and the warmth of his body, could at least calm her. He wasn't sure if it would work, but it was worth a shot.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-19 02:29 pm UTC (link)
His voice cut through the harsh words from Buffy, and Diana, and the Mayor, and she started to wake up. She clung to the fact that she could wake up now. Before? In the coma? She hadn't been able to. It had been worse then.

Her eyes flew open as she shook, jerking slightly to find someone's arms around her. As the nightmare began to fade, she started to remember where she was, and who was holding her. She'd never woken up with someone holding her, before.

Slowly, she calmed down, taking deep breaths as she squeezed her eyes tight, burying her face against his chest.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-19 05:53 pm UTC (link)
Pike didn't ask her what was wrong. It was pretty obvious that she'd had a nightmare, and beyond that he didn't need to know unless and until she wanted to talk about it. He just slid one arm around her shoulders and lifted another one to stroke her hair. "It's okay. It's okay. You're okay." He leaned his head down and dropped a soft kiss on top of her head. Whatever it was, it must have been a bad one to get that kind of reaction. He decided right then that he was going to have to steal little bits of sleep at work, or when he was out somewhere else, because until these nightmares got better he planned on sitting up with her, all night long if he had to.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-20 03:01 am UTC (link)
When she finally stopped shaking, she just lay there, against him, relishing the hold he had on her. She didn't want to move. But she had to, right? She swallowed hard, slowly opening her eyes, and looking up at him.

Faith didn't say a word. She just studied his eyes for a moment, then leaned in and pressed her lips against his hungrily. She was desperate to forget, and thought that this was the only way she could.

She just wanted to feel something other than shame and self-loathing.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-20 03:40 am UTC (link)
Pike kept up his supportive hold on her the whole time. He would have been perfectly fine with her staying right where she was, even falling asleep like that. He was perfectly fine with being a glorified pillow if it would help.

When she looked up at him, he returned the gesture. He tried to push as much of what he was feeling for her into his eyes. She would find a depth of caring, dedication, and support in his eyes. No judgment, even now.

Then she was kissing him, and his thoughts were quickly dashed away at the pleasant feeling of her lips on his. He moaned softly and let his eyes close, returning her kiss. It took a few seconds, but a thought finally managed to cut through the pleasurable haze. He kept his arm around her shoulders, but his hand drifted away from her hair. Slowly, without breaking the kiss, he found her hand, slowly guided it between them, and pressed her hand to his heart.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-20 03:46 am UTC (link)
Her eyes slid shut as she shifted so that she was straddling him. She was careful-she didn't know how injured he might've still been, but she kept the kiss up. When he tugged her hand up to his chest, her's hesitated, then slowly flattened over his heart. Emotions she didn't understand churned in her stomach, but she still did not break the kiss.

Her free hand shifted to the bottom of his shirt, and pushed it up slowly so that her hand could rest on his stomach-staying far away from the bandage.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-20 04:11 am UTC (link)
Pike smiled slightly against her lips as her hand flattened against his heart. When he felt her hand against his stomach, he let out another quiet moan, soft and happy. He deepened the kiss and slid the arm around her shoulders down, sliding his hand under her shirt to rest against her lower back.

God, he'd missed her warmth.

He kept his remaining hand on top of hers, giving it an affectionate squeeze.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-20 04:16 am UTC (link)
Faith shifted, slowly pulling her hand away from his, so that she could reach down and carefully strip off his shirt. She was forced to break the kiss for a moment, and lifted her head from his, eyes sliding open. Looking down at him, she slowly pulled off her tanktop, then took his hands in hers and put them on her sides. "...I want to feel you, Pike...please?" The words were a faint whisper, and not at all like her. She needed him.

She may not admit it outside of bed, but here...here, she felt safe.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-20 05:06 am UTC (link)
He wriggled as well as he could to help her get the shirt off. Then he looked up at her, watching as she pulled off her tanktop, smiling a little to himself at how genuinely beautiful she was. Oh, she was scorching hot, that much was obvious even when he'd bumped into her on the street that first night, but in Pike's mind there was a difference between hot and beautiful. Faith was both.

Despite the whisper, he heard every word. He smiled softly, but instead of answering vocally, he leaned up and caught her lips with his. The kiss then was no lusty, hungry thing. It was a deep, passionate kiss that he poured every ounce of his considerable feelings for her into. He broke the kiss only once, briefly, to whisper softly, "Yes. Whatever you want, Faith. Whatever you need." And then he was kissing her again, just as passionately as before.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-20 05:11 am UTC (link)
Her eyes closed again as she slid her arms around his shoulders, returning the kiss. The churning turned to swelling as emotions ran through her. They escaped into the kiss, but she didn't know what they meant. When he broke it to speak, her breath escaped in a small gasp.

Then it became passionate again. She leaned down, running her hands down his chest and to his pants, tugging at them incessantly. She didn't want to sleep, didn't want to think. All she wanted to do was feel, and thanks to Pike, she was.

Her hands would normally have been rough, and fast, but this time? They were slow, not trying to hurt him, but still insistent.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-20 05:36 am UTC (link)
He slid his hands down her sides before dropping them down to his own pants. He quickly undid the buckle, not bothering to yank it out of the loops. Instead he just stretched it to either side and arched his hips, knowing she'd be able to take it from there.

Then his hands traveled up her legs until they came to the top of her own pants. He slid his hands along her waist until they were once again back on her sides, and he began to tug her pants down as well.

The emotions coursing through him were intense, and he couldn't have kept them from the kiss even if he wanted to. He hadn't felt quite like this for any other person. The closest he could recall was Buffy, but he realized now that as much as he had cared for her, loved her, his feelings for Faith had eclipsed them.

And he was entirely okay with that.

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[info]slayersocialwrk
2010-02-20 05:40 am UTC (link)
Faith tugged down his pants and tossed them off the bed, then helped get hers off as well. Once they were both naked, she broke the kiss to move into position, her hands catching his and holding them above his head.

Her eyes met his, and she smiled faintly, then slowly sank onto him, a low moan escaping as she did. She had missed this, and him, in the few days since they'd last had sex. 'Cept this time it felt different in a way she would not be able to describe.

She lowered her head to catch his lips once again as her body began an easy rhythm.

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[info]notafishie
2010-02-20 06:21 am UTC (link)
The emotions were cascading through him now, mixing with the extremely pleasant haze of her sinking onto him, becoming something even better in the process. His moan echoed hers, and a second later his body responded, timing it with her rhythm. He'd missed this too, more than even he could have articulated.

Pike lifted his head off the pillow slightly, meeting her halfway and kissing her again. The emotions were far too insistent to be ignored, and he didn't want to anyway. He'd spent the last ten or so years of his life hiding, emotionally and, of course, physically. He didn't want to hide anymore, and especially not from Faith.

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