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Caitlin Snow/Killer Frost ([info]frostandsnow) wrote in [info]wariscoming,
@ 2010-02-15 03:24:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:dean winchester, lorne, ruby, sam winchester

Who: Ruby, Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Lorne
What: Ruby sings!
Where: Ruby's apartment
When: 14th September
Rating: Low
Status: In Progress

They'd gathered in her house of all places, Lorne, Sam and Dean. Just to hear her sing so she could prove a point to them. So she could prove to him she was doing something right. She'd offered them all drinks and told Dean much as she'd promised him Kashmir she'd found something better in her opinion, And it was Thin Lizzy. He'd still probably find it a good decision on some level with the one thing they had in common besides Sam. As for Sam, well her eyes had never left him. She might have been singing for Lorne technically but it was all for Sam.

She didn't waste any time, when there was no point at all in doing so, she just sat up, still perching on the seat she'd chosen and starting up her chosen song.

I'm tough, rough, ready and able
To pick myself up from under this table
Don't stick no sign on me, I got no label
I'm a little sick, unsure, unsound and unstable

But I'm fighting my way back

I'm busting out and I'm going in
I'm kicking up about the state I'm in
Looking to my future, not my past
I want to be a good girl but how long can it last

Fighting my way back

This kid is going to wreck and ruin
I'm not quite sure of what I'm doing
You see it happened all a little too soon
But it's all there in this here tune

Fighting my way back

She finished up softly, she didn't by any means have a wonderful voice. It wasn't entirely tone deaf in this body but she'd never get any kind of record deal with it. Not that any of that mattered a damn. No all that mattered was what the green demon had picked up from her. The fact that she loved Sam with all her heart, that she'd told him all the truths she had. Had admitted every lie, That she was entirely and completely his now if he'd have her and even if he wouldn't that she'd stay around. Sure his hatred of Azazel stung much as she understood it but she accepted it too. Because she loved him. She'd made her choice. And nothing was going to change that.

Song sung, Ruby sat back into the seat and looked over to Sam again, not wary, not frightened of what Lorne might say. But just waiting, wondering, and even somewhere deep in her heart. Hoping.

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[info]green_empathy
2010-02-15 04:57 am UTC (link)
Lorne was quite prepared for this. The wave of emotions coming from Ruby would have been crippling to a lesser demon. Lorne didn't like to brag but he was good at what he did. The Powers hadn't chosen him to set people on their paths for nothing. However, to say that he was going get a headache was an understatement. Hello, splitting brain. He'd like an appointment for the rest of the week, thank you. The minute he had stepped into the car he'd gotten a little taste of something. Winchesters and emotions were an interesting mix. They were both so tightly wounded, the little hisses that he did get slammed him right in the middle of his eyes.

Add that to what he got from Ruby during her singing to what he was getting from all three of them after the little show. Let's just say that Lorne was glad that he had had the forethought to sit down and bring his own seabreeze in a thermostat. Not that he'd managed to sip any of it. He'd been too busy dabbing at his eyes.

He turned to look at all three of them in turn. Unable to help the lingering look he gave each brother. "She's legit in every way possible. Did the big bad demon send her for Sam, here? Yes he did. Was she proud of it ..." Lorne looked at Ruby, a slightly soft look on his expression, "Oh, honey, you were the Little Engine That Would for a moment there weren't you?" Despite his words, his tone was filled with sympathy and understanding. "She was. Until Sam here starting putting doubts in her head. Until he showed her love. Gave her a home, gave her friends, and showed her that it was okay to be her own .. demon." Ruby knew it. Sam needed to hear it. And Dean ... Lorne could just see the way the older brother's jaw jerked. Lorne had a feeling he wouldn't do anything stupid. Yet. "Lilith twisted her arm but she tried her best not to give. And in the end she didn't. She told the two of you the truth. She hasn't told Lilith a thing about the people in the complex. At least nothing about their powers and that could hurt them. Always trying to give her enough." Lorne had more. There was a lot more. But he had gotten the sense that Ruby didn't want him sharing that with Dean. So he didn't. However, he hoped that they both had the sense to stop the nonsense.

"Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to the first demon native to this world who to bat for Team Good Guy." Was he saying that Ruby was a good guy? No. She was trying though. She had a lot to work for and they could talk about that if she wanted. He might not have seen her path but he was too used to giving advice not to have some helpful tidbits. Nevertheless, she was a demon who had been making an honest effort. And it deserved to be recognized.

Looking at Dean and Sam. He awaited their reactions. Dean was quite obvious already. Big brother looked like he was about to high tail it out of there. Or break something.

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-15 06:08 am UTC (link)
Sam couldn't look at her. Not really. It stung him to the core, doing this. Having to actually ask Lorne to interpret as to whether or not Ruby was still twisting that knife into their backs. Before, Sam would have never considered doing it. He would have taken her word on every single thing that she told him, no questions asked. It had taken a long time for Sam to find in him to trust a demon. Longer than most people would have taken, in fact. He kept telling himself that trusting her was a terrible idea. Dean would never approve. It was bad. Yet eventually, with time, Ruby did manage to wriggle her way past his defenses. It got to the point where he never believed he'd have to question her word on anything ever again. Now that they were back - no, below - square one, Sam didn't know how to take it. Being there with Dean, Lorne, and Ruby was uncomfortable. Awkward. Tense.

Dean didn't want to be there. He didn't want to be there. Sam was pretty sure that no one except for Ruby wanted to be there and that was also something that could be interpreted differently; after all, no one knew if she was lying or not. Maybe actually going through with this was not something that she wanted to do. Perhaps Ruby was even terrified. She certainly didn't seem it.

As she sang, Sam kept looking to and from Ruby and Lorne. He wanted to see if there was something there that he could identify. A twitch of emotion from Lorne indicating that this was going horribly. Something. Yet Lorne seemed to be good at his job. He was attentive and interested. Sam didn't know what to make of it, so he shoved his hands into his pockets and took to staring at the floor uncomfortably until the entire song was finished. When Lorne began to speak, Sam perked up a little, his attention slipping away from how ridiculous it was that they were actually going through with this to the green demon standing before them. Anxiety spreading, Sam watched Lorne carefully. She was evil, wasn't she? He was going to have to kill her. Just like he'd told Dean. Ruby was going to have to die.

But then Lorne spoke. And all of that fear slowly began to ebb away. Straightening up just a little, Sam looked at Ruby uncertainly. She was telling the truth? Was that even possible? "Are you sure?" Sam turned his gaze back on Lorne. Even though he had been trying to be fairly neutral about this for Dean's sake, there was a look on his face that Sam couldn't fight off. He was hopeful. Very hopeful.

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-15 11:24 am UTC (link)
Ruby looked up when Lorne had spoken and every word felt like a chance for her to have something better. To be something better. He told them she was legit now, as much as she'd lied and betrayed and she truly had. Now she really did bat for team good guy for as long as Sam did anyway. It wasn't about 'good guys' or bad. It was about him. It always had been and now that had just changed slightly. How she felt about it all had just shifted enough that she'd finally let herself believe in something greater than Lucifer or the plan. She'd fallen in love. And now Sam was looking at her with a completely nervous uncertainty and she just so badly wanted to kiss him.

"I lied, about...everything I was. But what I never lied about was loving you. And I know Sam, I know I have to rebuild the trust I shattered between us. I know I have to work for it. I know you might never love me like you did. But I need to try and I need to be here, with you. I don't know how to make that make sense. I'm still trying to work out my life and how it might ever make sense. I just know the only thing I have that does. The only thing thats constant and real. Its you. I love you"

That said she turned to Dean trying to gauge a reaction of some king, something anything. He was tightly wound and she just knew he'd been wishing for a conformation that she'd been lying. One that would never, could never have come. She loved his brother, legitimatly and honestly and he'd have to be okay with that."

And then there was Lorne. And in truth, really all she could say was how she felt.

"Thank you" she told him, smiling just slightly but entirely genuine. "Thanks for doing this for me"

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[info]green_empathy
2010-02-15 01:40 pm UTC (link)
"Every word right there out of the lady's mouth is one hundred percent genuine." He said to Sam. Feeling for the look on the man's face. Lorne knew that it was all genuine because he had just felt it. "I'm sure, Sam."

To Ruby he said, "Just doing my job. It was my pleasure to help out." And it had been, despite the splitting headache. Happy endings-even myriad in complications made him a bit sniffly. They had a long road ahead of them. But if the look on both their faces was anything to go by, at least they had hope.

Dean saw the look of hope on his brother's face. He looked at Sam for a moment as felt a twist in his chest. He felt like a fucking bastard. And he fucking hated that. Feeling guilty. He should be happy for his brother. But he couldn't be. He felt like he was failing some how which only made him angrier because Sam shouldn't have fucking fallen for the demon in the first place! It was bad enough that Sam had him doubting vampires and werewolves -- thank fucking God that they didn't have to deal with them regularly -- now demons too? Dean only saw trouble in their future if other demons caught wind of this bullshit. Forget other hunters. In Dean's opinion, half them could go screw themselves.

Now he had to deal with this constantly. Whether he could accept it or not. Because it was true. A part of him wanted to rebel that the kyrptonite had had a glitch in it and that Lorne was lying. But .. he didn't say any of that. He didn't say it but that didn't mean he could deal with this. Could accept this. Which was why he had to go. He had told Sam more than one time he would be able to do so. He just needed some Jack. Something hard and he'd be fine. Wouldn't remember this in the morning. He'd have a brief breather before reality came crashing down, forcing him to deal with everything.

"Ain't that just fucking dandy?" Dean's mouth was pinched. "I'm pretty sure that you too lovebirds want to talk. Or feed each other cake or something. Have fun with that. Lorne," Dean looked at the demon, and then a point by his ear. He could be courteous. "thanks for your help. Sam. I'll see you." Was all he could say to his brother. He had to get out of there.

And to Ruby? Oh, and people said that Dean Winchester lacked self control.

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-15 09:30 pm UTC (link)
Sam was having a hard time taking all of this in. One half of him was completely overjoyed from the truths that had been revealed; the other, more logical side of himself was still reeling from feeling so betrayed by her. If she had loved him so much, she should have quit a long time ago. Those were the kinds of thoughts that raced through his head as he shuffled uncomfortably from one foot to the other. Unable to stand still for much longer, Sam buried his hands into his pockets and strode over to a nearby window. Once there, he turned to look at the trio before him. "Thanks," Sam contributed to the appreciation being dished out at Lorne. He put on a faint smile, lifting his shoulders up into an awkward shrug. He was appreciative. More than, even. Because even if he was having a hard time taking all of this news in, the fact that he now had a sure way to determine that Ruby was being honest with him (finally) meant a lot to him. Sam had been typically wary of the odd looking demon, but he was feeling a lot better about him now. He supposed it was true after all, wasn't it? Demons from other worlds had the potential to be good. And if Lorne was right about Ruby...

Sam looked down again, biting his lip. He didn't know how to react the right way. Dean wasn't pleased - Sam had picked that up just from looking at him. The tight set of his jaw, the way he looked like he wanted to do nothing more than pounce out of the room as quickly as humanly possible. Sam wanted to say something to him that would make him feel better about all of this. Truthfully, Sam knew better than to do that. When Dean got all wound up, especially when demons and himself were involved in the same sentence, there was nothing that he could personally do about the matter but wait. Because if he tried anything right now? Sam felt like he might end up getting punched in the face again. Okay, maybe not to that extreme. But the look on his brothers face clearly read: do not disturb. And Sam planned on refraining from doing so. For now.

...personally, anyway. Who was to say that he couldn't ask someone to fill in for him until the right time came along for Sam to press the matter?

As soon as Dean made route for the door, Sam looked down and nodded. Yeah, he'd contact someone. Buffy, maybe. Probably. She was closer to Dean than most everyone else here outside of himself and Bobby. Getting her to check up on him was probably a good idea. Or, at least, Buffy could make sure that Dean stayed safe. Because Sam didn't know what his brother was thinking about anymore. Nothing good. With the way he'd been acting since he had gotten out of Hell, Sam just didn't know what to expect from Dean. So he had to be careful. And he had to make sure that the situation was handled delicately. More to the point, Sam had to make sure that Dean didn't do anything stupid. He didn't want his brother hurting more than he already was.

"Dean..." Sam looked up, frowning. He wished that he had it in him to make him stay. Sit. Listen. But it really was better that, for now, Dean got his space. Away from him and Ruby, at least. "Be careful."

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-15 10:41 pm UTC (link)
Dean's reaction didn't surprise her. And she was in no mood to laugh, to claim she'd won or anything. She hadn't. She didn't look at Dean, she couldn't. Mostly cause she thought he might hit her if she did. She instead watched him make for the door silent and furious. And the fact that Sam had looked hopeful. Properly hopeful. Maybe this was a chance. She had to take it didn't she, just see what came of it. He'd told her it was over but maybe this had changed something. He'd looked hopeful. He really had, and would he have looked like that if there was nothing in what they had?

She'd need to work, she'd need to prove herself. She'd have to earn his trust back however long it took. And she knew that. She knew all of that. She knew just how hard this would all be and how it was only just starting if it even was. But maybe, Just maybe. She had a chance.

"Sam..." she said. Closing the gap between them just a little and looking across at Lorne for...something, advice maybe. "Can we talk? I mean if you want to. If you think we should or...?"

She wasn't used to being lost for words but here it was. Here she was. Sputtering because now it was all out in the open and she didn't know what to say. She was somewhat at a loss. And now with just him and Lorne here she felt more awkward than she ever had.

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[info]green_empathy
2010-02-16 02:44 am UTC (link)
Dean hesitated when he heard Sam say his name. He would have just kept on walking but he stopped. He didn't look at Sam. Instead all he said was, "Yeah. I'll be fine." Before opening the door and closing it shut behind him, not slamming it, but closing harder than he should have.

"Like I said to Ruby. I was glad to help. But you're welcome just the same." Lorne said. "Now I'll just make myself scarce, while the two of you chat. Mind if I use your kitchen?" Lorne asked Ruby.

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-16 04:50 am UTC (link)
Sam felt a sharp pang of guilt as soon as Dean vanished. Why couldn't they all just work this out together? That was a stupid thing to ponder on, but Sam did it all the same. He knew why. Dean had very good reason to be torn up and upset about all of this right now. It was the only thing keeping him from chasing after his brother; well, outside of the fact that he worried Dean might lash out of he tried anything else. Hands buried deep in his pockets, Sam looked down at his feet and waited quietly as Lorne asked Ruby if he could access her kitchen. He knew that they needed to talk about this. The problem was that Sam didn't exactly know what to do now that he had this information to himself. He was overjoyed that he didn't have to kill Ruby. That was the only thing that Sam felt entirely certain of.

"Yeah," Sam said, nodding quietly. The talk had to happen. Though no matter what it was that they decided on, at least one thing could have been certain - Ruby was free now. Sam wasn't going to trap or guard her door anymore. She could do as she pleased with whatever and whomever she wished. Sam could not and would not stop her. As he waited for Lorne to exit the room, Sam walked over to her couch and sat down. Hands clasping together in his lap, he leaned forward and pointedly began to examine a spot on the floor.

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-16 05:19 am UTC (link)
Ruby pointed Lorne toward the kitchen, distractedly offering him a drink of whatever she had that he might want. She'd restocked with a few things in preperation for this. But it was nothing much fancy. Her focus as ever was Sam. He'd gotten information overload the past few weeks. Had hated her and loved her and hated her so many times she bet his head hurt with it all. And he was brooding. It wasn't a shock.

She didn't sit right away, she went for the pacing. More pacing. She found she'd begun to do it when nervous. Reminded her of the trap.

"So...we..." she tried, before realizing, as it stood there was no 'we' there was her and there was the man in front of her and she hated that even now that she'd have time to get used to it. She wanted to fix it, wanted him to take her in his arms and tell her it would be alright. But it wasn't that easy was it. No, nothing was, and she deserved hardship.

"I want to earn your trust back. I want you to look at me one day with that same love you used to. I want you to tell me you love me and mean it again. I want you to hold me. But I'm not stupid. I know what I've done, and I know the truth, as genuine as it is. Its not just going to be enough. I know I have a long road ahead of me before I can be who you believed I was, but what I need from you is to know that you'll let me try. To tell me now that its not all just a stupid pointless dream. Can you do that?"

She watched him as she paced, hoping something, anything would get through to him. That somehow she stood a chane.

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-16 07:53 am UTC (link)
He listened to her talk, feeling more than grateful that she was the one giving the speech rather than himself. From the time that Dean departed to now, Sam's throat felt unusually dry. He wondered if he'd have been able to speak more than one word at a time without his lungs collapsing in on him or something crazy like that. That's how nervous he was. It literally felt like his stomach was doing cartwheels in the most unpleasant way possible and he had no idea how to stop it. So Sam sat rigidly on the couch, eyes glued to the floor, and ears focused on nothing but the sound of Ruby's voice. She was asking him for a second chance. He knew that he immediately should have lifted his chin defiantly and told her to fuck off, but he couldn't. Sam didn't want to.

"If you..." Sam licked at his lips and cleared his throat. "I think this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you no." He looked to the kitchen door cautiously, then down to his hands again. "But I'm not going to." Sam shifted on the couch, moving to the far end. Then he gestured for Ruby to sit down. Her pacing was making him even more anxious. "I can't trust you." Sam shook his head; it pained him to admit that truth out loud. Accepting that Ruby was just another demon - or at least, she had been, he didn't know what to make of her now - was not easy for him to do. It hurt to think about her that way. "So if...if you want to do this, you're going to have to do it differently. Lorne - I'm gonna ask him to check up on you. A lot. So that you don't screw us over again. And even then..." Sam forced himself to look at her, mouth turning downward into a heavy frown. "I don't know if we'll ever get back to what we were. But I'll...if you promise me that you'll do this thing with Lorne once a month, I'll give you a shot."

Sam couldn't guarantee that they'd be together after this. Maybe she'd just be someone he went to when he needed help with a hunt. Or maybe Ruby would turn out to be the awkward ex that he didn't know how to do anything around because her company was so weird. She still had the potential to be an enemy. A lot of potential. But she was in the clear for now and Sam couldn't just turn his back on her. Not now.

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-16 08:37 am UTC (link)
She went silent for a few moments, sitting down and listening to Sam. She had to accept he couldn't trust her, Had to accept that maybe he'd never take her back properly. It hurt her that this was how it had to be now. Needing Lorne to read her whenever Sam needed the reassurance. It stung in ways she couldn't have imagined before. But he'd said he'd give her a shot. With those conditions. He'd offered her that.

"Alright. I'll sing for him, whenever you need it. More than once a month if you need to be reassured I'm not lying. I'm sorry you have to check. I'm sorry its at the point where you feel you need to, but I understand it. Of course I do. I want for this to be alright someday, and if that means regular meetings with the empath demon then that's what I'll do"

She hadn't really looked at him during the whole speech. It felt different now. Strange. He wasn't just going to hug her and so the world wouldn't be alright just with him doing that like it normally was. No, now she had to work for it to be alright. And maybe it never would be, maybe he'd hate her forever. "I don't know how to thank you for letting me try. You have no idea how much it means that you are. I'm just...I'm never going to hurt you again. That look on your face, that...betrayal. I never want to do that to you again. You know I'm not lying to you about wanting to try. If only because Lorne told you so. So...the fact you're letting me. Thank you."

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-17 03:00 am UTC (link)
Sam nodded, looking down once more. "Yeah. Sure." He used to be better at this. Talking to Ruby, that was. Sam had trusted her with the thoughts and feelings that he never truly had it in him to share with much of anyone. Now he didn't know how to bring that out in a way that Ruby would understand - nor did he want to. Not now. She was being given a second chance. For now, that would have to be enough. He trusted that she wanted to try, but Sam didn't know how much he could trust her outside of that. So he drew in a deep breath and sighed. It seemed like that road that was ahead of him had just gotten a whole lot longer.

"But if you screw up again...that's it. I can't do it anymore." He placed his hands on his knees, nodding slowly. "I'm giving you one shot, Ruby. One. Please..." He looked over at her, brow creasing thoughtfully. "Don't do anything to mess this up." He didn't want her to. Sam was pushing it already with this opportunity. He wouldn't allow himself to present her with another.

Pushing himself onto his feet, Sam folded his arms across his chest and looked to the kitchen. Lorne was still in there. Probably doing...whatever it was that demons like him did after reading someone. "Are you gonna stay here in Lawrence? It's probably...well, I don't think it's really too safe for you anywhere right now."

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-17 03:14 am UTC (link)
She hated so much that it was awkward again now. Sam who she knew better than anyone alive and he couldn't properly talk to her anymore. Because of her, because of what she'd done. To him, to everyone. The lies. But she had her chance, and she wouldn't fail him. She wouldn't let herself.

"I won't" she knew she wouldn't. Because she didn't know what she'd do if she lost him completely, and because, well she knew. She knew that she was wrong. She didn't want to do that to him. Didn't want to hurt him. Not ever again. "I know I can't put you through that again and I know its wrong. I really do. I get it. You just have to let me prove it. I won't mess it up. I lo..."

She shrugged sadly, looking away from him almost awkwardly, "Well you know..."

And then he stood again, leaving Ruby on the seat where he'd beckoned her to sit. "Yeah, I'm gonna stay. I have a whole lot of making up to do. Especially to you and I told you I wasn't going to leave you. I mean if you still want me around. I...I know we're not. I know this isn't..."

She finally gave in, laughing bitterly. "I hate that its awkward, I hate that its not easy now. Mostly I hate how its completely my fault that we're here now. I never wanted to hurt you. Not ever". She wondered did he believe that. Sometimes she wasn't sure. She really did hope so.

"...Its never gonna be the same is it?" she asked him, voicing her fears for the first time.

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-17 04:40 am UTC (link)
Sam was having trouble being so close to her. Even so much as sitting on a couch with her was difficult for him to accomplish. Shoulders rigid, mouth set into a somewhat permanent frown, Sam peered off at Ruby warily and shrugged. "You can't possibly expect for anything to be the same after this, Ruby. I mean - I can't even look at you the same. Not like before. You used to be so..." He shook his head. "So special. I had all kinds of ways to define you; there was nothing there that I didn't love or appreciate. Nothing that I didn't know of. But now I've got all this information here and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it. I don't know how to...talking to you alone is hard. Dealing with you..." He closed his eyes. Coming to terms with how difficult this all had become was really starting to weigh on him. "It's going to be stressful. I'm sorry, but there it is."

He zipped his jacket up and dug a hand into his pocket. Sam didn't want to linger for too long. This awkward feeling was tearing into him and he hated every last second of it. "If you really want to see where this new road leads, you're going to have to be patient with me. Don't push me. I'll...I just need time." Possibly lots and lots of it.

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-17 04:50 am UTC (link)
"I don't expect it to be the same." she told him sadly, still mostly looking at the floor but sparing him occasional glances. She didn't know what to do for the best, what he'd want from her or need from her. Any of it. This was all entirely new to her and she didn't like feeling confused like this, though she supposed the uncomfortableness she felt was deserved, and more besides. "I'm not special. I'm just...just this, just me. But all I can tell you is what you know. There are no more lies left. None. I've told you the entire truth, from Azazel to the whole plan to when things started to change, falling in love with you. So you need to look at this person, this demon that you're left with and figure her out."

She tensed as he closed his eyes, the instinct was to go to him, touch him, wrap her arms around him and tell him it would be alright, but she couldn't. The boundries had changed, not to mention she didn't know if it would be alright.

"I know I have to be patient. And I will. I promise I will. If you want me to back off or...or whatever it takes. I'll do it. You only have to ask. You know that right? It's up to you. I won't push, just tell me, tell me if I'm pushing you and I'll stop. I don't know what I'm doing here any more than you do. I just know those feelings I have, they're still there and it hurts that I can't just kiss you now. And I don't know how to make that make sense."

She supposed it was a human thing, that ability. She'd probably never really been in love as a human woman even if she had remembered it beyond flashes of bitterness and anger connected to a far away place centuries ago. "I've never been in a situation like this. I'll get it wrong. You just tell me when I do, okay?"

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-17 05:06 am UTC (link)
"You don't need to have it make sense. I understand." And he did. There was nothing simple about what they were going through right now by any means, but he could very well understand feeling unable to express oneself properly in this situation. Yes, they needed to figure each other out. Sam, in particular, needed to figure more out about Ruby now that he had a new picture of the demon that he loved planted in his head. He needed to re-learn all that he had thought he had known about her. But that sort of thing wasn't going to just happen right away. He needed to give it time. They both needed to give it time. "I...I have those feelings too. There's a huge part of me that wants to get back to where we were before. Forget that any of this ever happened. It'd be nice. It was nice. Stuff like that doesn't happen out here in the real world though. We're gonna have to suck it up and deal with it."

He didn't like being offered that sort of position. The one where he could sit there and tell Ruby that she was doing it wrong. This. Whatever it was that they were doing. He just wanted it to be right. Why couldn't it be? All the same, Sam nodded his head along and shifted uncomfortably. "Yeah, I will. But you've gotta learn how to act yourself. You can't keep pushing at people. Otherwise you'll push them too far and they'll turn away from you entirely."

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-17 05:31 am UTC (link)
She tried to make it as simple as she could. Opening herself up to whatever questions he might have had. It was the purpose of all this after all, to make Sam see that finally she was honest. Finally there were no lies between them.

"I'm an open book. For real this time. I have nothing to hide from you and to be honest, much as you say you wish sometimes I'd never told you. I'm glad I did. I mean not for this, I hate this I hate being so close to you but far away all the same. I hate knowing its something I can't make better right away. I don't have the answers and I'm not used to that. But you're feeling stuff too. I know that, and I know that the world doesn't work as easy as putting it all behind us. Its not. Its out there" And it was, out there for everyone to see and discuss and whatever else people did. And for her and Sam to work through at their own paces. "I love you, and I loved you before I told you all this but now its honest, Its raw and it hurts. But its honest"

The fact he told her he felt the same, those same feelings, It sent a jolt of excitement down her spine. He still cared. For now that was more than she'd expected to discover and more than enough.

"I'm going to try and be less pushy. I'm going to try because I want you to be proud of me again. You're dissapointed in me now and I want to take that away. Replace it. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to push people away. And I'll try but all this is new to me, every bit of it"

He'd said he'd keep an eye, tell her if something was too much. She'd need someone to.

"Do you need some space?" she asked finally

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-17 06:05 am UTC (link)
"No." Sam frowned. "You should try because it's the right thing to do. I don't want you to worry about making me proud. What I want you to do is focus on why we're in this mess in the first place. I would still be with you right now if you had not been out to end the world. You need to change your lifestyle - real quick - if you want me to stick around. Attacking innocent people? Not even a question anymore. It's wrong. Very wrong. And what you planned on doing with Lilith? It would have led to a whole lotta death. You think about that. Think about why what you did was wrong. Not 'cause I don't like it or you think that it'd make me happy if you just turned away from it all. Certainly not because it was going to supposedly turn me into something that I'm not. Think about how fucked up all of what you had planned really would have been."

Sam didn't know if she was going to be able to embrace the truth of her prior goal. It was a nightmare. Plain and simple. Maybe it went against her nature to do so; but she herself had just said that this was all new to her. If she didn't try, as she'd just declared that she would, then what would the point be in any of this second chance talk?

"We'll talk more about all of this later." Sam shoved his hands into his pockets. His shoulders were already slumped over - a funny stance for a man who was so tall and large. "I need to get away for a while. To think. And deal. I think it might be healthy if you did the same. Gimme a couple days. Then we'll...maybe we'll talk again. I dunno. I just need to breathe for a while, okay?" Sam looked back to the kitchen once more. "When you see Lorne again, tell him thanks for me. I should probably go before -" Before things got more complicated than they already were. "- before it gets too late. Dean is out there and...I should go."

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-17 01:50 pm UTC (link)
She looked away sadly for a moment trying to gather her thoughts confused as they were. "Actually, You...wouldn't have been with me at all if I hadn't been. How else would our paths have ever crossed that didn't mean exorcism or death. I'm not saying its good, what I did. I'm learning. I am and I didn't like what I was doing to you, and I'm learning that its bad, the other stuff I did. I get it. But why can't it be about making you proud as well as being right. I've pretty much been judging what's right off of you. Lilith, she wanted me to kill some people and the only thing that stopped me is I knew that you wouldn't forgive it. You forgave the parts of my past you knew but I was done with it. Thats what you believed and it had to be true" She stood herself and stared out the window, just watching the world go by unaware of how close it had come to its own demise.

Eyes flickering to the ground she spoke again. "I'll try. I'm going to try and I'll figure out why. I'll figure out how it all works. That's whats going to take me time. I don't have my own humanity but I look at you. That's how I know. That's how I judge. I think what you would do."

When he decided to leave she merely nodded looking toward the kitchen. "I'll tell him. Look, its on you, whenever you're ready to talk you contact me. I'll stay out of your way until then. We can talk online if its easier for you, But yeah, take however long you need to think. Breathe, I get it. I really do. And tell Dean I..." she laughed almost an irony to it all, "Nah never mind. Just go make sure your brothers okay"

She wanted to hug him, something, give him some sign of how much she wanted to fix this. But the best thing she thought she could do for him now was...well, nothing but what he'd asked. She did turn from the window, forcing herself to look at him. "I don't deserve this chance, I really don't. But thank you for giving it to me. You have no idea how much it means and I swear, I won't let you down."

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-18 01:37 am UTC (link)
"You'll make me proud by doing what's right. Don't you get it? It's not just about me here. You hurt me." Sam furrowed his brow. "Badly. But there's much more to it than that. Until you can see that for yourself, I don't know if you're going to be able to do much by way of us. I don't know if we are going to be able to do much." Sam wanted to do this right this time. The last time around, things had been very messed up. Wrong. Everything was wrong. And while he doubted that attempting to do things differently would do much in regards to how people viewed them when they were together, Sam wanted to do it better. Not just for their sakes, but because Dean would have wanted it that way as well. At least, he would have wanted it that way if he agreed with their relationship. Currently, Dean probably would have preferred to see Ruby flayed alive and stomped on. Probably? No, definitely. And that killed him more than Sam would ever be able to admit out loud. Not that Dean didn't have every reason to do so; Ruby had betrayed them and was a demon, the thing that he had and his brother had been raised to despise. Sam understood his brother's perspective on the matter perfectly, even if he didn't agree with him. They had different experiences with Ruby. Different memories. Thoughts. Feelings. He couldn't help but disagree.

Sam wanted to tell her that his decisions weren't always the best ones. Instead, he looked down at his feet and shrugged. Better to follow his lead than the fucked up one she had been focused on.

He didn't want to leave. No, Sam was pretty much on the level with Ruby when it came to what he wanted to do. He'd have gave anything to make it so that pulling her into his arms and telling her that he still loved her would be an okay thing to do. But this was better. Right. He had to leave. At least for now.

"Just take care of yourself. And be careful." He bit down onto his lip, looking to the door uncertainly. He really was torn. "Don't worry. I'll be around."

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-18 02:10 am UTC (link)
"I get it, I do." she told him. And she did, she understood the hurt. But it wasn't just that. "Its gonna take time, there's a lot of hurt here, yours, Dean, Andrea, everyone else I lied to. And its all so human. And thats gonna take me time to understand because you know I'm not. And its not an emotion demons stick around long enough to really see. I can feel it, I can. I just...I'll get there. I promise" She wanted him to be with her again, she wanted things back like their relationship had been but without the base of lies. "You know that as much as I lied, the stuff that was just us, the things I said. It was never a lie. You know that right? You're the reason I gave up on it all. Loving you changed me"

She still just desperately craved him. A hug, anything. A word. It would be everything to her. And he gave her that at least, telling her to take care of herself. That he'd be around. She couldn't help the tear forming at her eye. Not a tear of sorrow, it was actually positive, sort of. Sam being here, so obviously trying to fight leaving but knowing he had to. Giving her a chance though he didn't need to. Being her role model in how to be human. She hoped he knew how grateful she was.

"I will. We'll talk more. We'll get through this. I'll be better."

She had to. There was no other alternative.

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[info]ex_demonbloo908
2010-02-18 03:07 am UTC (link)
Sam was more than able to admit that he was aware of what it was that changed her. A part of him found it doubtful, of course - why would a demon, of all things, fall in love with him? Really? Perhaps in an act. A display of false words and smiles and affection to win him over for the cause that Ruby had been working to push into effect. But to really change someone that had once been so twisted and messed up? Sam didn't think he was actually capable of that. Ruby was proving him wrong. It wasn't just him - he thought that there was definitely something unique about Ruby underneath that demonic surface that had played a part in all of this as well. That much had to be true. Sam might have fallen for her lies and tricks throughout this entire ordeal, but even through the doubts and uncertainties he could come out with, Sam knew what was in his heart. And that was a fucked up, possibly out of her mind demon looking to (hopefully) redeem herself.

"Loving you changed me, too." Sam frowned. He didn't know if that was for the better or worse at this point. Probably not good. There was nothing good about screwing around with a demon. And then getting emotionally involved on top of that. "Now I should go." He hesitated, then began moving again. The door was a few paces ahead. He had to get out of there before he decided to tell the entire situation to go fuck itself and gave in to every desperate emotion he was trying to bury.

Sam paused for a long moment at the door. Then he cast Ruby a sad sort of look as he reached for the doorknob. She seemed determined. Hopeful, even. He hoped that those emotions weren't going to waste; Sam wanted to see change. He wanted to be with her again. The only question was: could they ever be? He supposed only time, work, and a lot of healing would be the judge of that. "I'll see you."

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[info]frostandsnow
2010-02-18 02:57 pm UTC (link)
"Yeah"

It was all she could say, Ruby watched him leave the same sadness in her gaze as had been in his. It wasn't lost. No far from it, she'd do whatever it took to take that sadness and hurt away, to make him see that she loved him more completely than she'd ever thought possible. It had changed both of them, he'd said so. And it was enough for Ruby. She could make a start on that alone and things would eventually hopefully work themselves out. She'd have prayed that they did but that would just have been silly. No she had to work for it, work for Sam. She had to rekindle the flame she'd snuffed out with lies and deciet, and she'd do it because never had she loved someone like this. In fact she didn't think she'd ever been in love but here it was. She'd fight for them. She'd work for as long as it took, learn the lessons he needed her to learn.

That brought her to thinking about the rest of what he'd said, He'd told her she'd been thinking of it wrong, That she couldn't change for him, If she wanted to make him proud she could do it by changing for herself, realising what she'd done. How he wasn't the only one she'd hurt. How she needed to see why she was wrong and not just that she was. She had to realise the plan was wrong. Did that mean saying Azazel had been wrong. Or misguided, maybe just misguided.

Her moral compass, she thought with a soft smile, she had a lot of thinking to do, a whole lot. But this was a new beginning. This was a fresh start. This would make everything better, piece by piece. But not right away. First things first, she was not the only demon in her apartment. "He's gone Lorne" she called, moving toward the kitchen door. She needed a drink now too. A stiff one, possibly several of them.

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