InsaneJournal

Who: Rose Tyler (Open to TARDIS residents or can stand as a narrative)
What: Swallowing fears and reacquainting with an old friend
When: Early Monday morning
Where: TARDIS
Warnings: Just a very sad Cage victim



Sleep was sporadic for Rose. She managed a few hours here and there, but more often than not, she jolted awake after a some horrible dream or another. She worked hard not to wake Guy when that happened. Occasionally it couldn't be helped. Now and then, she'd wake mid-scream and find him already awake and attempting to comfort her. Sometimes it was too much. Sometimes he was the one in the dream and she couldn't be held by him and she knew it had to hurt him but she didn't know how to change it. More often than not, though, she simply woke in silence, a sweat on her forehead and her heart pounding so hard she could hear the blood in her ears. Falling back to sleep was more difficult than falling asleep in the first place had been so she usually just lay by Guy's side, listening to the reassuring sounds of his breathing.

She so desperately wanted to be normal again. To wake up in the morning and go to class, go to work, go home to the apartment she'd only recently started sharing with her boyfriend. Why was it so difficult? She'd been such a hopeful person, so determined and eager. There'd been few in Lawrence more social than Rose and now she was letting people near her on a select basis and wasn't even walking outside the door of her old TARDIS bedroom.

The TARDIS. The machine that had every right to hate her for what she'd done. That had been the most recent dream she'd woken from. One that was often the hardest. Death by TARDIS was rarely pleasant to imagine. Oh, and the methods were inventive, she'd give it that. Burning, suffocating, poisoning, just to name a few. Of all the people who turned on her, both in the cage and in her dreams, the TARDIS was one of the hardest to handle. So why was she determined to stay there?

She lay for a bit in silence, listening to Guy's heartbeat, wondering again how she was this lucky. She shouldn't be. He should have walked away the second he realized what a pile of crazy he'd inherited. But he didn't just stay, he fought for her, he stood with her, and he worked with her. He attempted to soothe her, to calm her fears, and even though there was still that part of her determined he'd be the one to turn on her, she was more grateful than she could say.

Slowly, careful not to disturb him, she disentangled herself from Guy's arms and sat up in bed, focusing on her own breathing. Trying to stop the ragged, raspy sound that seemed to come with the nightmares. When even that wasn't helping, when her mind kept drifting back to where she'd just been, she knew what she had to do. It was time. It was past time.

Her whole body shook as she took step after determined step towards the door. But she'd made it that far before. Many times over. It was crossing the threshold that terrified her. The crippled her, that caused her to collapse against the doorjam and sob pathetically. Dammit, she was stronger than this. She'd faced death before. She'd dealt with Daleks, with Cybermen, with alien werewolves for god's sake. Now she couldn't even take the one step that would make the difference between being in her room and outside of it.

Nausea consumed her, tears filled her eyes, but she had to do this. She'd never be normal again if she didn't. The others were able to go out. Why couldn't she? What made her so damned stupid? So pitifully helpless? Her hand shook as it reached the door's handle and she twisted it and gave a little push. But again, she'd gotten that far before. Looking into the hallway wasn't the hard part. Stepping into it was.

She felt a little faint, but she placed her hand against the doorjam to steady herself. Biting her lip nearly to the point of pain, she stepped out into the long, confusing hallway of the machine. She stood and she waited.

And she was still alive.

Keeping a hand against the TARDIS wall, Rose took her first, hesitant, shaky steps into the hallway. So far, so good. The TARDIS didn't pull any tricks on her, didn't do any disappearing acts or anything. She was behaving, even making the little humming noise that meant she was in a good mood. Still, there was no confidence in Rose's motions and by the time she reached the console room, she was a pale, sweaty mess. She reached the center console and slumped over the controls slightly, trying to catch her breath. This shouldn't have been so difficult. But the hardest part was over. She was there, she was out of her room. One step a a time.

"Hi, girl," she said softly into the quiet morning, her hand running lovingly over the controls of the much loved ship. "You don't hate me, then? You should. You really should. I'm sorry..." Her words were choked on a sob that she had to swallow to finish. "I thought it was the only way to save them. And I did. We did. I just..." She hadn't expected this. She had never expected the way this had all happened. To be taken by Lucifer's cage, to spend the equivalent of fifty years being mentally tormented and played around with like Hell's personal toy. Death, she could have handled. She might even have managed the rack and turning towards the side of Hell. Eventually. But this? Having her own mind used against her?

Dropping down into one of the jump seats, she pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapped her arms around her legs, and let herself cry. They weren't the wracking sobs she'd suffered recently, but long, drawn out tears that simply came forward on their own, with no urging from her.