InsaneJournal

Kol Mikaelson [Open or stands as a narrative] & Jessica Hamby
Thinking. Debating. Sulking. Family is hard, gah!
Very early hours of Monday, November 18, 2013; a park in Lawrence
Pretty PG as is, could change if someone tags in; In Progress

He was at a loss. A crossroads, as it were...

For the most part, Kol had tried to just ignore everything that was going on. That was what the hunts he'd gone on with Crowley had been all about. Avoiding. Evading. Escaping the insanity that was being a Mikaelson. But then they'd come back and it was all just sitting there waiting for him. Not to mention, the hit to Crowley with his house being burned down. But everything had just sat in wait for his return and when he got back, Kol still wasn't sure he was ready to deal with all of it.

Of course, being ready was rarely a factor in dealing with anything, was it? Because somehow, someway,he just ended up thrown into dealing with it whether he liked it or not. The delay had, perhaps, only made things worse in the end. The thing that tipped the scales, though? Between Elijah's parental begging and Caroline's direct pointing out of his own fault he wasn't owning in the whole situation, both coupled with his own self-doubt about the way he was spending his exceptionally limited and borrowed time, it had just been enough to maybe crack him.

But at the same time, he was still not so sure he could simply concede to his siblings' whims before his conditions were met. They weren't so out of line, so ridiculously insane that they were impossible. His conditions were simple. "Treat me like an equal." That was all he wanted. Kol just wanted to be seen as an equal, to be treated like a person. But Nik...he was just so wrapped up in all of his paranoia and his self-fulfilling prophecies and he was damn blind to seeing anything from anyone else's view. Pouting because he wasn't getting his way, sulking because he lacked the one thing that had always given him such control over them through the centuries. Sometimes, in his most vile and vicious thoughts, Kol wished that Klaus could know what it was like, how it felt to be used the way he had used them. To wake up not to a new day, but a whole new century. He only rarely, if ever, actually mentioned those sorts of thoughts out loud, though. They were petty, even for him, and he knew he didn't mean it, not really. Not enough to commit to it.

Kol had found his way away from the house, a secondary home of Crowley's they'd defaulted to once his main house was ruined, and walking rather idly around a path in one of the parks in Lawrence. He hadn't said anything when he'd left, didn't feel the obligation to, really. He may have been somewhat occasionally admitting he was involved with the demon, but they never would be an altogether conventional pair. Things like letting the other know they were leaving and would be back later? Well, maybe in the Apocalypse it wasn't such a bad idea, but it felt too domestic or something and the thought of that sort of made Kol squirm.

He kicked at a loose piece of concrete that had separated from the path, his pace staying slow, steady, as he thought things through. He didn't really know what to do at this point. More than anything, he just wanted this to all be over. For it to become a distant memory that didn't matter any more because they were all so far past it that nobody cared anymore. That didn't seem remotely possible at this point, but he hoped maybe it could be one day. Bless her, as hard as she tried, Caroline couldn't really fully comprehend the way it felt to be betrayed so completely, so many times. And by family, no less, which undoubtedly always made it that much harder to handle, to understand. She wasn't wrong in what she'd said to him though. They'd all shaped each other through the years. Mikael had shaped all of them. Esther, too. But in the grand scheme of their thousand years on the planet, the siblings were each others' constants and they all had a hand in exactly who they had become.

Kol was so focused on Nik's wrongs, so focused on Nik seeing things from his point of view, that maybe he'd forgotten he was at fault as well, that he wasn't looking at it from his brother's view either. How the Hybrid must have felt when their mother's lie came out, when she bound the part of him that made him unique. When Mikael cast him aside because he was no son of his. Every action their parents had taken, against him, against them all as a collective, every other person that had betrayed him through the years. Everything built up and with it, the walls he'd barricaded himself into. Kol could imagine it, but he knew, somewhere deep down he knew there was no way for him to ever truly understand Nik's reasoning behind his actions, his feelings towards everything the way it was.

But then...another thing Caroline had said, and Elijah had echoed it shortly after, was gnawing at him. Leaving the way he had, the way Bekah had, it only proved his older brother's fear right--that without the daggers to keep them in line, they'd leave him. But that wasn't what this was about, not really. Or it wasn't on Kol's end. Maybe that's all it was to Klaus. For Kol, it was simply he didn't want to be treated the way he had been. He wanted to be seen as an equal, not a drone, but it seemed that was somehow too much to ask. Asking to be treated as a person, as a sibling and not an object was too much.

He lost sight of the chipped bit of concrete he'd been kicking and dropped down onto a nearby park bench, legs drawn up about halfway towards his chest, arms draped loosely around them. He stared out at nothing in particular and let out a long sigh. He was at a loss. A crossroads, as it were, and that thought alone brought a smirk to the corner of his mouth that it wouldn't have a few months ago.