Castiel listened quietly though he already knew what answer he would get. At least he knew it was honest. When he spoke he spoke slowly, his voice level. "You didn't have to learn it by yourself. You knew, without doubt, what happened to you mattered to him." Castiel didn't know why Sam did but he supposed it was a mix of desire and familiarity. Maybe he saw potential. But it was enough.
Cas didn't expect her to apologise like that. Although she was part of the reason the men he had come to him of as his humans had other things to focus on he didn't think anyone else would think of it, least of all her.
He hated that question but she'd asked it twice. Clearly it wasn't going away. He frowned, sitting up to look at her. He'd held it in for so long. He was sick of it seething in his gut. He was sick of it getting in the way, making him snap at people who didn't deserve it. Keeping it it hadn't done anything for him. Would saying it? He sought for the desires he told himself weren't there and up they rose to be counted. There was an edge to his voice now.
"I want to know it wasn't all for nothing. I want... I want to understand why they fight so hard. I want to know what it's like to- I want to see that look again. The one that means they are grateful, they are glad I am here. That... I am one of them. I want... family again. I want to know what it's like to know I don't stand alone against Heaven not just in the fight but- all of it." All the pain of losing it, all the memories, all the grief for lost brothers and sisters. All the wasted prayers. All of these things ran through his mind in the endlessly quiet hours.
"I want... commpany, distraction, meaning. I want, I need... peace," he finished, sounding drained. "I am tired of hoping one day it will make sense. I need to know."
He fell quiet, finally, and rested back in the car seat. "They seem to be... important to my well being," he finished softly.