Elena Gilbert is a hero for the lost cause (naturaldisaster) wrote in wariscoming, @ 2013-03-09 13:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | elena gilbert |
Who: Elena Gilbert, ghosts of her parents and herself, Anakin Solo
What: Elena finally breaks completely, thanks to Maleficent speeding up the inevitable with her curse.
When: Span of 9 March 2013
Where: Medbay through Lawrence to a bridge over the Kansas River (it's always a river)
Warnings: Angst. Angst. Some more angst. Suicidal thoughts/intentions. Feels.
It wasn’t that Elena had been lying when she said that it wasn’t things she didn’t know to already be truth. In fact, she had known these truths long before even Alaric’s ghost had shown up in September. The lingering sensation just at the back of her mind, the feelings she tried to ignore for so long, that stopped their hiding thanks to Alaric’s ghost. And it wasn’t that she had been lying when she said she would be fine. Because going off of September, she had survived that. And none of the ghosts, no matter how angry they were at her, none of them had turned it to physical violence. And she knew that they weren’t really there. She knew that she’d been cursed because Jacen had to go and make Maleficent mad, so mad that she lashed out at those he cared about and somehow, she found herself on that list.
But just because she knew these things, that didn’t make it any less real. And it certainly didn’t make it any less painful. Because what they were saying? It was all true. It had started innocently enough. Grams. A woman who simply had wanted to help, who went against everything she believed in because of Elena begging, pleading so that Damon could have his happy ending, so he wouldn’t be hurt so much. And she had died. Because Elena had gotten mixed up in the affairs of vampires. If it had just been her, Elena could have handled it. It wasn’t as if she didn’t harbor guilt for that for every day of her life. But no. It was so much more than that.
By Thursday afternoon, they had started showing up at random. Oh they were never there, not consistently. They didn’t hound her. But they were there. Sometimes it was Grams. Or Vicki. Or Bonnie’s mom or Caroline’s dad. John. Jenna. Matt. Jeremy. Caroline. Bonnie. Lexi. Tyler. Lee. Stefan. Damon. Pearl. Anna. Rose. Rebekkah. Elijah. Alaric. It didn’t matter if they were in Lawrence already or they weren’t. The ghosts of Elena’s past continued to show up. To tear her down. To remind her of everything she already knew. To vocalize what she knew deep in her heart was true. It didn’t matter what anyone else tried to tell her. They could say it repeatedly that she should stop talking stupid, but that was because they didn’t want to acknowledge the truth. That she was a danger to them. That she was one loss away from falling off the pedestal of good and morals and whatever else it was they saw in her that supposedly made it impossible for her to break or be cold and manipulative and closed off like Katherine, to make her do whatever it took.
Friday made it worse. Jeremy had gotten cursed. He shouldn’t have ever had to fear someone like Klaus or Kol, but thanks to her, he had to fear things like Originals who would kill him to get to her. Who would use her for their own means. Or Kol would kill her and Klaus would just drain her of all of her blood so he could use it to make his hybrids. But Jeremy still knew of these threats and they were very real to him, so that when the curse hit.... she had gotten through to him, through sheer stubborn will as he tried to stop her, tried to fight her thinking that she was Kol. But the point was made. Her brother would never be safe so long as she was alive. And if Jeremy wasn’t safe? Neither was Anakin or Rose or Anatoly and his family, Sam and Ruby and Emily, Martha, Claudia, Abby and Connor... she was connected to too many people. It wasn’t just Mystic Falls. She had already panicked when Katherine had said Klaus had shown up, her mind spiraling fast at the numerous outcomes of what would happen if he had. Curse or no, the fears she always held onto in regards to him had come to the forefront of her mind, combining with the guilt. The looks from the ghosts. They were right.
She had tried so hard to keep Anakin from knowing she was cursed, though. Because he thought that she shouldn’t be around him because of Jacen. He didn’t realize it was the other way around. His death could destroy her, anyone knew that. But Elena being alive could destroy everyone she cared about, people not even involved in Mystic Falls drama just because they were her friends. But she still had tried to hold it together. There was enough going on. She’d handle the ghosts on her own and eventually they would go away because Maleficent couldn’t last forever and anyone who saw Sleeping Beauty knew that once she died, the curses would be lifted. Besides, the pain in her shoulder was nothing compared to the crushing guilt that once again was suffocating and drowning her.
Which made the medbay a very difficult place to be. Because the last time she was here for an extended time? Was back when the ghosts were around and she was being tormented by Alaric. Maybe this was karma. Given how many people got screwed over because of their ties to her, her getting screwed over because of her friendship with Jacen? Well, it fit. It was about time she be caught in the crossfire instead of being the catalyst. But that didn’t mean she had to like it, what memories it held. When she finally broke down to Anatoly because of the pain and the medications. Something similar to what she had told Anakin while he was getting her there this time around. Only that she was cursed and loved him and she was sorry because it leads to bad things. But he had stuck around and healed her on and off. She hadn’t expected much from that admission as it were. With his entire family cursed and everything in general... And she’d regret it later but it was too late to take it back now.
The pain was no longer overwhelming, the physical pain at least, between Anakin’s healings and sleep, she figured that had something to do with it. Nor could she really sleep. Because the ghosts, while not in her dreams, it didn’t wipe away the memories. The reminders and guilt were hard enough, the memories that plagued her dream were worse. She barely had slept since Grams had shown up and being in the medbay made it worse.
The memory that woke her up this time, though... it was one that hadn’t haunted her as much as of late with everything else that plagued her. It was the night her parents had died. The car, being trapped and unable to get out. The inability to breathe. Her lung felt on fire and then Elena woke up with a gasp, stuck in the medbay. But that wasn’t what caught the gasp in her throat. It was the sight of her parents.
“....M...mom, dad....”
The words came out in a whisper, volume wasn’t even needed to express everything she felt at seeing them again. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t really them, that this was because of the curse. They were standing there, just looking at her with love but disappointment. Alaric was right. She had disappointed them. Of course she had disappointed them, she had ruined all they had worked for their entire lives. The boy who saved her the type of ‘monsters’ they had tried to get out of their city and because of who she looked like, she had brought it all down on Mystic Falls.
“Oh, Elena... what’s happened to you?”
The question was unexpected, yet expected all at once. Because Elena had wanted to believe that her parents would love her regardless, not ask what had become of her, even though she was so far removed from the girl who she had been that night on the bridge. Staring in the mirror, she wasn’t recognizable as that girl. Physically, sure, but at the heart? She couldn’t be that girl anymore, no matter how much people wanted her to be.
“Honey, just come with us....”
It was all she wanted. To be with her parents. To apologize. And they were beckoning to her. It was just, how to get out of the medbay? Though, the way it was now, they were prepping for the final showdown with Maleficent, which would mean that they were expecting a lot more patients. Between the healing Anakin had been doing on her, and the fact she knew she’d be fine, Elena knew she could use the distraction to her advantage. She may not have lived the escaping the house with three vampires and her brother trying to keep her in, but that ability seemed to still exist within her. Add in the wish for enhanced endurance and fighting as well as the full knowledge of what Alaric had been teaching her... it wasn’t that hard to get out when everyone was distracted.
Meeting the two outside of the complex, Elena looked to see if any of the others were there, but it was still just her parents. Who started to walk away. Without really paying attention to where they were going, or anything in general, Elena followed. It wasn’t so much a moth to the flame as it was, she needed to talk to them. There was so much to say and she didn’t know if she’d ever get that chance again. It wasn’t until they reached a bridge that went over the Kansas River that Elena snapped out of it, only to see herself staring at her sadly. More to the point, it was the girl she used to be. The cheerleader, who loved waking up every morning, excited for what life had to offer. The one who was supposed to die. Who did die even as Elena lived on physically.
“W...what....”
She could feel their hands on her shoulders, comforting. Grounding. Which made no sense if one thought about it. How were ghosts grounding and comforting? But.. they were her parents. And it wasn’t as it they had been warped. It was just... they were disappointed in her. And they had every right to be.
“You’ve been trying for so long to keep living, to keep strong, but you know it’s been a lie. It’s okay to let go now.”
As her mother spoke, Elena started to sob.
“But Jer....”
“Has seen things he never should have seen. He thought he had to stake you, what happens if you turn into one of them? What happens when the next time he’s hurt because you held on for so long. I know you want to look after him, but you can even if you right what should have happened... he can see ghosts, so you can still be there for him.”
It made sense. In all it’s twisted logic, it made sense. And it wasn’t as if she hadn’t exactly thought that way herself. She just always tried to hold off, because she believed her parents wouldn’t want her to. But if her mother was saying the exact same thing, saying....
“Sometimes when you love people, you need to let go so that they can go one living their lives. You’ve seen what keeps happening around you. Being here won’t change that. And they won’t see it, they’ll refuse because you’re such a good friend, they won’t care about the danger. If you truly care about them....”
Choking out a sob, Elena clutched at her throat. Was it the only way? Of course it was. Lee had kept trying to talk to her about this when it came up. Anatoly. Rose. That they didn’t care, that people chose to be her friend despite the dangers. And what of Anakin. She had tried that exact same logic on him. But he hadn’t responded when she apologized for loving him. Because he knew. Was that the reason? Not just the strain of everything going on with his family? She never was going to be the girl to hold onto a boy like a lifeline. She could be fine on her own.
Gasping as wave upon wave of tears took over, the guilt, the pain, the losses, every single thing she had lived through that she tried to suppress, Elena doubled over, grasping onto the rail of the bridge. The cracks had started months ago, but now. Oh but now they were completely open. She had tried the ‘healthy’ way, to acknowledge what had happened. To try and move on. But she never would. Because she was toxic. All she brought was pain and suffering, she kept trying to live, to hold on, but.....
“I’m just so tired.....”
It was the first truly honest thing Elena had said in regards to how she felt since her parents had died. That was when she had started. Paint a smile on your face, say you’re fine, no one really cared. And then everything that happened. Death. So much death of everyone in her family. Her loved ones facing that same pain, being changed, their lives forever ruined. People could rebuild, they always did. They changed and became people they never thought they would be. And it was okay. It wasn’t wrong because life happened so who was to say that the girl standing to the side looking at her so sadly would have been who she always would have been?
“Then let go. You never should have shouldered all this pain and suffering. You’re allowed to give in, no one would blame you. Look at all you’ve gone through and will continue to....”
The feeling of her mother stroking her hair was so calming. It was like she was really there. Even though she knew that she wasn’t. She had stopped reminding herself that this was a curse. Because it was just showing her what she had always known. Trying to torture her when in reality, Elena was the one who could cause herself the most pain. That this was months in the making. All Maleficent had done was speed it up. Eight months of spiraling and trying to pull herself together.
“It’s not that bad... drowning. It’s scary but once you relax... it washes everything away.”
And she heard herself speak. The her who had died so long ago, who never had a chance.
“Come back with us. The way it was always supposed to be.”
Still completely unapologetic for her tears, Elena struggled to stand up, leaning against the railing and staring down at the angry water below. The storm that was going on didn’t make it all that inviting, if she were even actively paying attention to that.
“I just have to jump... and it’s over. No more loss, no more ruining everything that’s good for everyone else... I can finally rest...”
Her voice shook. But it wasn’t as if this were the first time she had faced death. So she didn’t fear it. It was just the drowning. It was the pain and knowing the truth, the crushing weight that had been pushing her into the ground for so long. Had been chipping away at her until she was nothing. There was only so much a person could take and everyone had thought Elena hadn’t snapped from it, they just never saw the truth that she had. Because she had forced the mask to be real so that no one saw the truth. Because they didn’t want to see it so she had played the role they had wanted her to, because it was what she’d been doing since her parents had died. But no more. She was too tired, to emotionally drained. She couldn’t keep it up anymore.