InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Let your soul glooooo!"

Kat Warbler (sharkswithguns) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2013-02-10 18:25:00

Entry tags:

kat warbler, simon tam

Who: Kat & Simon
What: Simon won the 'who can I harass' lottery!
Where: Medbay
When: 3am-ish, China-time, aka sometime afternoon, Sunday, in Lawrence. wat.
Rating: Not low; Kat has weird disturbing imagery, and also swears.

Waking up from nightmares was becoming commonplace, as much as Kat hated to admit it. This was why she didn't sleep - the nightmares themselves, whatever. She could deal with them, it was just like a horror movie in her head, that was all. It was the waking up from them that made things harder - because the time between dream and full awareness stretched on for minutes, sometimes an hour or more, dragging her into dark corners of her mind and making things fuzzy and confusing and yet way too sharp and distinct, like someone had blurred pieces of a picture, and highlighted the edges of other parts of it, some distorted thing that made her panic.

In the moments after a nightmare, she was a monster again. In the moments after a nightmare, she found herself frantic and confused - looking for a gun, looking for a way out, because this wasn't what she wanted to be, she didn't want to be like this, she didn't want to hurt anyone, not really - but even so all she could think about was tearing into flesh and she was so hungry...

...and then the fog would lift, and she felt like an idiot. It wasn't real. She knew it wasn't, she knew better. But sometimes, she didn't.

So she took precautions. She'd left town, knowing Dark would likely have an opportunity to get to her, in times like these. She'd gotten rid of her gun. As much as she hated to admit it, as much as she hated the idea of disarming herself, in case another threat came along, she knew wasn't in the right sort of place to have one, and she knew first-hand how scary it was to know that someone who wasn't thinking straight had a weapon and might use it on themselves. John had taught her that.

She hadn't figured she'd end up like him, though.

Which... wasn't fair. She knew that wasn't fair. He hadn't exactly planned on being half-crazy sometimes, he hadn't asked to have his best friend die on him twice, on top of other issues he already had to start with. Just like she hadn't asked to be attacked by zombies and turn into one and then come back. Things just happened to people, sometimes. Bad things, things they just couldn't deal with very quickly, no matter how much they tried to. That didn't make them weak and it didn't make them morons.

Except, okay, it kinda did, at least in her case, because it was over and done now and she didn't actually want to eat people but sometimes she felt like maybe she did but that wasn't real, it wasn't real anymore, why couldn't she just get that through her head? Why couldn't she just ignore it, and move on? She was tired of all of this, tired of being stupidly neurotic and even more tired of trying to play it off and act normal. She just wasn't hungry, and she just wasn't in the mood to be around people, and she didn't know why there was a chair in front of the door, how'd that get there, weird, must've been something drunk-Kat thought was a good idea, yep, because sober-Kat would never do that, because Kat was totally and completely fucking normal.

And when she wasn't ignoring the issues, she tried to at least make light of them, make black-humored jokes about the effectiveness of the recovering-zombie diet, and you look good enough to eat, and just sheer unbridled flippancy about the entire thing, because that was what she did. She didn't do the needing help thing very well.

Which is why instead of waiting until she was sure it was a sensible hour, or getting any sort of permission or sending a message or anything like that, Kat found herself doing a quick mental calculation (weird o'clock in the morning in China was probably mid afternoon, in Lawrence, right?) and then teleporting from her hotel room to the medbay in the complex, hoping a specific and rather pretty doctor was on duty, because right now she just kind of needed to not be perfectly okay, and next to Bruce, who was gone now, and John (who she wasn't going to throw this on, he had enough to deal with, she wasn't going to make that worse), Simon and his sister had probably seen her at her worst, helped her not freak out more than she already had, talked her down and calmed her down, and he wasn't actively coddling her when they talked, or acting like she was a freak, which meant he was probably a decent enough human being that she could maybe kinda trust him. Probably.

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bigcitydandy
2013-02-17 05:50 am UTC (link)

Simon didn't get the whole Dark thing and he was content to lose himself in the books on 'modern' medicine he found in the Medbay. He certainly understood why people were leaving. Someone who fed on negative emotions should be avoided by some of them at all costs. His first instinct was to grab River, listen to Kat's advice, and run like hell. But his sister was stronger than he admitted sometimes. And she was useful. Unless she specifically asked to leave, or at least implied it was what she'd rather do, he was going to stick this out. There was no way this Dark was going to play on him. He understood his faults better than most and had accepted his mistakes in life.

But he also wasn't dumb enough to put himself in the middle of all of the investigations either. So he was sitting at a desk in the office reading about 'modern' methods when he heard a soft sound. Glancing up, his eyes widened for a moment before he shut the book and looked up with a smirk.

"This doesn't look like China. Not that I know at all what China of this planet looks like. But I don't think this is it. What's wrong?"

Because it was obviously not just a social visit. Social visits didn't really happen with him. So clearly something had gone wrong in China and she needed a doctor. And just happened to get him. She'd have been content with anyone.

Right?

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sharkswithguns
2013-02-24 06:24 am UTC (link)

It was probably a very weak smile that she offered in greeting, as she stepped up closer to the desk, and the little wave that came with it probably seemed pretty half-hearted. It was kind of hard, trying to keep herself together without actually trying to put up walls and put on an act. It was even weirder that she didn't just abandon the proverbial ship and start joking around or showing him the camera-phone pictures of China that she'd taken - or, more likely than anything, get defensive and act like a total jerk.

Of course, the word-vomit that came instead wasn't really much better than any of those options, as far as she was concerned.

"You really probably shouldn't ask me that. That's serious can of worms material, there, Doc. Seriously, what isn't wr-" She stopped talking abruptly, just not even sure where she was going with this (not everything was wrong, but she was hard-pressed to find specific examples of things that weren't, right now) and not sure why she'd even thought this was a good idea, because her eyes were burning and she was worn thin enough that even with her walls up there had to be visible cracks.

Kat shrugged, then, and waved a hand vaguely towards whatever he'd been reading, carrying on as if she hadn't started just throwing everything on him. "-I'm sorry. Never mind. Nothing's wrong, I didn't mean to interrupt or... whatever." She took a step away from the desk and nodded towards the door (habit, more than anything; it wasn't like she generally used doors, anymore, anyway). "If you're busy, I can go."

[ooc: Sorry this took so long - I had one almost done and Kat decided that, no, she wasn't going to react that way after all, duh, so I had to rewrite entirely so oops!]

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bigcitydandy
2013-02-24 07:00 am UTC (link)

He leaned back in his chair to watch her carefully. Not in any sort of leering way. That wasn't his style. Simon was nothing if not respectful when it came to women. That was what had driven Kaylee away so many times, after all. No, he was watching her as a doctor would a patient. Or, rather, a friend would a friend. He wasn't good with people, typically, but he was good at his job. And he was entirely devoted to people he cared about. And somewhere along the line, he'd started caring about Kat.

When she began telling him that everything wasn't okay, he was prepared. Really. Okay, he wasn't, but he was willing to let her talk and wing it from there.

But her train of thought changed. And even the most socially awkward doctor in the room could see right through her lies. So he shut the book in his hand and pushed it aside. He already knew all about laser eye treatments anyway. "I'm not busy. I was actually just wishing for a distraction." He nodded to the chair nearest him and crossed his arms in front of him. "Sit. Talk. Because I don't believe you one bit."

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sharkswithguns
2013-02-24 02:31 pm UTC (link)

Kat literally had to bite her tongue to keep from offering suggestions about how distracting she could be - her mind automatically turning his comment about wishing for a distraction into a serious invitation for aggressively flirting at him. Mostly, she was starting to figure out that didn't work on him, and it would also probably be weird since she was here because she needed help, not because she wanted to jump him. Although, you know, she kind of did. Especially when he was all serious and arm-foldy and basically demanding that she sit down...

But, yeah, that was probably not the best plan. And she wasn't going to make anything any more complicated right now. If she were at least fairly sure he wouldn't mind, it would be a completely different story, though; he wasn't the only one who could use a distraction.

She took the offered chair, tugging it up close enough to the desk that she could rest her elbows on it, chin in her hands. "It's stupid." That was all she offered, at first, then - "I just really don't like being crazy. I know none of that shit is real but that doesn't mean it doesn't seem like it."

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bigcitydandy
2013-02-24 04:37 pm UTC (link)

Kat was right about one thing. Being overly forward was exactly the opposite of what she wanted to do. Nothing would drive Simon Tam away faster. He was still trying so hard to adjust to the 21st century and how to handle himself with the people of this time. To say nothing of his complex feelings regarding Kaylee and the consistent feeling of being on the outside looking in where the crew of the Serenity was concerned. Throw in a pretty girl all but seducing him and he'd be under his desk hiding. Or, more reasonably, just leaving the room, but either way.

But her actual course of action was much easier to handle. And he offered her a smile as he listened, ready to tell her that no, nothing was stupid. Except he couldn't because he didn't entirely understand where she was coming from. And he was a good enough doctor not to patronize her and pretend he could. And a better friend.

"It isn't stupid," he finally decided. "And you're not crazy. You've been traumatized, Kat. There's a difference." For a moment, he watched her. Just watched her. "It'll take time. And the majority of it is going to be just time. Little steps. Food, for example. Trying new things in small amounts until you're used to them."

It wasn't the greatest advice in the world. He was a medical doctor, a skilled surgeon and a good practitioner, but he was no psychologist. The advice he was offering was more as someone who cared than as her medical professional.

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sharkswithguns
2013-03-03 04:26 am UTC (link)

It was nothing she hadn't already heard, or told herself, really - because she tended to bungee between the I'm not crazy and it's not stupid it's just a thing that happened and it'll go away and the this is stupid, just get over it, there's something wrong with you if you can't just get over it pretty regularly.

It was hard not to - when she felt like she was handling things well, it was easier to be more positive about it. When she wasn't, it just seemed really stupid and crazy. Still, it helped to hear it from someone else. For now, at least. She was pretty sure it would all be confusing and ridiculous later, again, but at the moment, it helped.

His points about taking things slow and eating things were pretty good, too, but at the moment eating was last on her priority list. Being able to wake up without tweaking out was a little bit more important.

She reached out with one hand to abduct a pen off the desk, fidgeting with it in that really intent way that was supposed to look absent. It was just a way to not be looking at him when she talked (not that she didn't want to look at him... okay, enough, Kat, come on).

"What about, I mean. When I wake up I'm not always entirely sure what's going on. Or, I guess, I'm pretty sure I know what's going on, but it's not what's actually real." The words were quick, almost rushed, and she glanced at him for a second, then started twisting at the pen with both hands, unscrewing it and taking it apart. "I mean, it's probably bad if I wake up and I think I'm gonna be eating faces for breakfast, right?" The pen in tiny pieces now, Kat shrugged, almost flippant again. "That's probably not a good sign."

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bigcitydandy
2013-03-10 07:53 pm UTC (link)

Ah, there it was. Another instance of really needing a psychiatrist and only having him around. And at that moment, he wasn't her doctor anymore. Because what Kat really needed was a friend. And that he could provide, even if he wasn't always the best at it.

"Maybe it sounds stupid, but what about leaving little notes around your apartment? Or pictures, you like taking pictures, right? Tape up things that might ground you. Notes to yourself about what's important, where you are, messages to remind you that you're going to be okay." It was probably the lamest advice ever given, but it was his first thought. It was something he did with River sometimes, in her worst moments. She had him to bring her back from the edge. To remind her that she wasn't alone, that she had him and Mara and plenty of the Serenity crew, and they were going to be fine because they were all together. Kat lived alone. She didn't have someone there, pushing her to remember that things would be okay. She'd need to push herself. It was the only way manageable.

"It may be bad," he added, offering a small but sympathy-filled smile. "But it isn't crazy. After what you went through, it's probably expected."

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sharkswithguns
2013-03-10 09:48 pm UTC (link)

>"Maybe it sounds stupid, but what about leaving little notes around your apartment? Or pictures, you like taking pictures, right?" - Kat nodded, shifting the pen pieces around on the top of the desk, glancing up - "Tape up things that might ground you. Notes to yourself about what's important, where you are, messages to remind you that you're going to be okay."

Kat nodded again, slowly, thinking. There was a whole wall of photos she'd taken, in her room - but it was all random stuff, nothing that really made any difference when she woke up. If she changed out some of the pictures, maybe that would help. She just had to figure out what would work, and come up with some kind of portable version, for hotels, like now, because China didn't have her exact apartment, and she'd still need something there...

"Doesn't sound too stupid, to me," she said with a shrug, "At this point, I'll try almost anything."

The note thing sounded a little harder to pull off, because how was she supposed to come up with something to snap herself out of crazy panic mode? She wasn't that good with words, that wasn't her thing.

"I really don't think I can write anything that'll work, though. Words are hard. Write me something." ...which was probably a bad idea, wasn't it? She was basically asking him to give her a thing to help her keep calm and, okay, it wasn't as if that wasn't kind of why she was here in the first place, and it wasn't like he and River hadn't already done that, once, but... it was still weird. Probably. "Kidding," she added quickly, backtracking on the unintentional weird, "You don't have to. I'll try the pictures thing, though. That's probably a good idea."

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