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Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscoming,

Svetlana was master of keeping herself distracted by learning new things. True she usually ended up relying solely on chess to get her through things, to help her focus or to communicate with Anatoly, but the fact remained that she definitely knew how to distract herself. And was that so wrong? After all, it wasn't as if she were going out hurting people. She just was keeping things to herself because that was all she knew how to do, especially as of late. Perhaps had Anatoly not grown distant, that wouldn't be the case. She would have had someone she was able to talk to when something went wrong. In her own time, yes, but she wouldn't force herself to keep it hidden. So that made the distractions all the more important. As she, Svetlana gave a small smile and nod at Elphaba's words on wanting to learn. They could figure out specifics at a later date.

Hearing the words about strength to go against what the government said if it was right gave Svetlana pause. She never had. She'd been complacent. She worried for daughters and did everything to protect them and she knew there was nothing she could do against the KGB. Not without risking their safety and lives. Anatoly had gone out into the world and left her behind to deal with the corruption. True, it was normal, it had been their entire lives, the fear and looking over the shoulders, they didn't step on toes and in turn, they were able to live their lives in relative harmony. At least until Anatoly changed and left. Even staying on her best behavior wasn't enough at that point. So all she did was try to live her life and protect her daughters, could she really be judged for that?

At least it seemed her words hadn't offended Elphaba. Between the language barrier and her exhaustion, Svetlana knew she could potentially say something wrong or it could at least come out wrong and the point would be missed. So thankfully there was that.

"Yes, it is something and each step forward is something worth being proud of." Because it was. "It really is a big step all things considered. It means you are adjusting again, realizing that not everything is a threat, that you can leave and not fear the mere outdoors."

Svetlana had never let herself be afraid of going out, or she tried not to. The two incidents when she'd been jumped, when Anatoly had saved her, those had made her afraid for a little while. She still went out, but the fear was there. Because there were fates worse than death, and being attacked the way she had during Anatoly's defection was far easier to handle than the way those attacks had been headed. Of what Molokov had done to her. Oh, she had agreed but her hand had been forced because the lives of her daughters had been in the balance. And it wasn't as if he had been kind or gentle with her, especially after 'she' had gone to talk to Anatoly.

As for things blurring together? Svetlana wished that were the case for herself. Each violation was a cut in her that she remembered even as she tried to push it aside. She tried to block it and while she didn't process it or respond, the memories were there, haunting her. She never gave it voice, never stated what had happened because that would make it real and honestly, Svetlana couldn't handle that.

"You are lucky that a friend found you. Having someone there who cares for you is a great help, even if you do not speak of what had happened, their presence alone can help to ground you, focus you...."