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Tweak says, "You up for one more?"

Svetlana Sergievskaya causes lyrical chess wars (thegirlisme) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2011-12-09 13:26:00

Entry tags:

elphaba, svetlana sergievsky

Who: Elphaba and Svetlana
What: Talking about things that are too hard to say to people you know well
Where: Random cafe
When: Slightly backdated!! Evening 8th Dec, about a half hour after this
Rating: TBD
Status: In progress.

Truthfully, Svetlana was rather startled when she had gotten Elphaba's message asking to meet up and talk. It wasn't that she didn't wish to help the woman in some way, far from it. She just hadn't been expecting it. Of course between Anatoly's random nights of spiking her tea and then the insomnia and nightmares, her mind was far from focused. Especially with Darcy gone. The woman had provided Svetlana with a sense of normalcy in this place. Sure, she didn't understand Darcy half the time, but she had been kind and open with Svetlana and the blond had been beginning to trust her even with Florence being Darcy's best friend. But with her gone, Svetlana had gone back to really only having her family, and her strange vague friendship with Freddie. It wasn't that they were friends, but he was probably the closest Svetlana had to a friend right now, and that was just strange. So when she had gotten the message, the Russian woman could only blink before agreeing to meet up with her.

The fact that it was seeming to happen now was a bit unsettling. Svetlana was still ridiculously paranoid. While there had been no more threats made against her daughter, every day she worried when she stepped out with them. And while they would be staying in with Anatoly as they were getting ready for bed, Svetlana still worried about going out by herself. But she hid it from her husband and once saying goodnight to the girls, the Russian woman made her way to the cafe that Elphaba had mentioned. Not seeing her anywhere, Svetlana went and ordered some tea before she made her way to a table in a corner, seated so that she could see all the entrances. She really didn't want to be startled by someone, namely Molokov, showing up.

Sighing softly, Svetlana sipped her tea as she waited, her mind in shambles. She knew she needed to sleep and actually sleep, none of the usual two hours at random times because her body was forcing it on her. Like it or not, Anatoly was right in spiking her tea. It got her to get actual sleep. It was just getting her body used to that again so that she could function. She needed her mind to stop jumping back to random things, being with Molokov, the girls being shot. Them dying. To hearing the other Anatoly's words. It had been over two months and yet it all still haunted her. She was just good about masking it. But that didn't mean that the damage wasn't still very real. She was still skittish. Still closed off, even if she was getting more used to Anatoly's presence as the man hadn't left. Truthfully? She was thankful for that, even if she couldn't say it because she didn't want to be. Because the second she began to trust him again, she was afraid he'd leave all over.

But this was not a night about her own issues. Elphaba clearly had gone through something and needed a way to release it and so Svetlana would let her talk and listen and provide any support she could. And maybe one day, she would feel comfortable doing the same. For now, she waited.

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-09 10:36 pm UTC (link)

Enough time had passed since the trip to the other world that Elphaba no longer jumped at every little sound. She was incredibly paranoid, more than she let anyone see. Or perhaps they did. She was doing everything she could to mask the paranoia, the nightmares, including helping Galinda decorate their now too empty house. With Fiyero gone, Elphaba was both relieved and sad. Mostly relieved because she always felt like she was walking on eggshells around him. Now she could try and relax and just focus on healing her wounds. She was very thankful for the healing potions, they'd helped heal her body with little to no scarring left behind.

She surprised herself when she reached out to Svetlana. She didn't even know the woman beyond having seen her post on the boards, yet here she was going to talk to her about what happened in the other Oz. Mostly she wanted to see if she could actually say it aloud. Elphaba had all ready done Rose's suggestion of writing it down. She'd formed it in a letter to her friends, and if this talk went well, then she'd give it to Elena and Galinda to read. Or she might just tell them, whichever was more comfortable at the moment in time. For now, she readied herself for meeting Svetlana. She really did hope she wasn't imposing on the woman, but she if she kept worrying about that sort of thing she'd never meet anyone else. And wasn't being here about having a second chance at doing things right? At having the life she'd always gotten but was always denied in Oz?

With Galinda at work or with James, it was sometimes hard to tell, Elphaba dressed and left a note for the blonde in case she got home before the green-skinned witch did. She didn't want Galinda to worry, which she would. She made sure she had her phone in case anyone needed her, cast the spell to degreen herself and headed off to the cafe. It was one she frequented because it was usually quieter and the booths and tables were fairly private. She often took a book and would spend a few hours reading. This evening, she'd spend it talking.

When she arrived at the cafe, she glanced around and spotted Svetlana. Drawing in a silent deep breath, she first went and ordered herself a tea, then walked over to the table. "Svetlana?" There was a soft smile on her face, and she hoped the woman would know it was her despite not being green at this moment in time. Setting her tea on the table, she slipped her coat off, setting it on the back of the chair. She was clad in all black, covering all of her skin save for her hands and face. She had a scarf wrapped around her neck. The torture had only enhanced her self-image issues even though there was no evidence left of it. Her long dark hair was pulled into a braid and draped over one shoulder. Despite the smile on her face, her eyes were dark and full of unspoken pain that she no longer had the strength to even try to mask. She used to be good at masking it, she used to be good at fooling people. But that was before she'd ended up here, before she had Galinda and met people like Elena that helped her open up. In truth, she was holding up her facade by a mere thread that was starting to unravel.

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thegirlisme
2011-12-10 12:22 am UTC (link)

Hearing someone say her name, Svetlana's eyes narrowed slightly and she looked up. Okay, the woman before her looked like the loud actress, Maureen was it? But no, she was far more reserved than Maureen, holding back. There was pain evident in her eyes. Even if she'd been hiding it better, Svetlana would have seen it because she did the same thing. Okay, facial features were the same just not green. Which probably meant that this was Elphaba.

Giving a small nod, Svetlana smiled slightly and placed her tea on the table.

"Yes. Elphaba I presume?"

Despite her exhaustion, Svetlana's voice was friendly enough. True, she was still in guarded Ice queen mode, but that never stopped her from being polite. As such, she motioned to the seat opposite from her before speaking up again.

"Did you want something to drink while we talk?"

A slight cant of the head was given at the question. After all, in Svetlana's world, tea solved everything. Well, okay, it didn't solve everything, but it was definitely calming. Perhaps that was why she was drinking it religiously since everything had gone wrong in her life. Was it so wrong? Everyone had things that helped them. For her, it was chess and tea and it wasn't exactly as if she was going to play chess with the other woman unless she wanted to. Who knew if she even knew how to play. Besides, not everyone resorted to chess to feel better, or talk, or to focus. It just seemed the method of operations for those from her world.

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-12 07:06 am UTC (link)

In hindsight, Elphaba perhaps should have warned Svetlana that she wouldn't be green when they met. The witch had learned very early on that going around with green skin in this world was not a good thing. Not that it was a good thing in Oz, but the majority of people here had no magic and didn't think it was real, let alone someone having green skin. But she had a hunch that she didn't need to explain that to Svetlana, so she didn't.

"Yes. I apologize, I should've informed you that I wouldn't have green skin when we met here." She smiled a bit shyly. For the moment, she'd completely forgotten that she had a look-alike here in Maureen. Which was a good thing since Maureen wasn't exactly nice to her.

"Tea would be wonderful," she said gratefully, setting her jacket on the back of the chair across from Svetlana. Elphaba liked tea, it was calming, and that was something she did need right now. Coffee was good, but she didn't need caffeine. She needed someone to listen as she tried to explain what she'd been through. She still wasn't precisely sure what she was going to say or how she was going to say it, but it would come out however it came out. As long as Svetlana had patience, Elphaba would get the story out and see if she felt better speaking the horror aloud. Obviously she wouldn't go into complete gory detail, the poor woman didn't need to know every little thing, but she wanted to tell enough that she'd feel more comfortable telling her friends. That was the whole point of this meeting, wasn't it? To ease the anxiety a bit, or at least try to.

Adjusting the black scarf around her neck, Elphaba sat down, her usually squared and proud shoulders sagging and slouched. Not wearing any make-up, she probably looked a bit worse for the wear, but she didn't care. Self-image was not her top priority now, not unless Galinda forced it upon her. For now she focused on Svetlana, giving the woman a soft smile. "Thank you for meeting with me, it really means a lot to me." Which it did. Even after all the friends she'd made here, Elphaba was still awed when someone didn't recoil from her or call her names, but instead was kind. Though the longer she was in this world, the more used to the sensation she became. Hopefully she could just spend the rest of her life here and never again see Oz.

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thegirlisme
2011-12-13 02:10 am UTC (link)

While being warned that she wouldn't be green might have helped Svetlana slightly in her paranoia issues, she also knew that it made sense. Despite the whole... apocalypse thing that was going on, demons and angels and horrible things that happened for no reason like being sent to that other dimension, Svetlana could tell that the majority of people who didn't know what was going on would be considered from her own 'world', just, in the future. They knew of the Cold War, of all the wars she knew of and then some. Disasters that had happened. It was just.. here, things were different. Meaning, green skinned woman would not be exactly normal.

"It is fine, it makes sense" Smiling slightly as Elphaba said she'd like some tea, Svetlana got up and went to order it after she figured out what type to get. By the way the green woman held herself and the reason they were there to begin with, Svetlana chose one that she knew from personal experience to help calm one down and focus. It would be helpful in this situation. Once the tea was done, the Russian woman returned to the table and set the tea in front of Elphaba and took her own seat again, nodding at the words of thanks.

"You are welcome, I understand how it can be hard to speak to those you are close with in such situations."

After all, wasn't Svetlana doing the same thing? She hadn't talked to Darcy when she'd still been here, not about this at least, and she certainly hadn't felt comfortable enough to talk to Anatoly about what had happened, even if he seemed to have an idea as she knew he'd been sent to the same place as she had. Still, she was doing the same thing, not talking about it because who was there to talk about it to? Freddie said to trust people, but it was so hard to, especially here where they could be taken away or they had betrayed her trust already. So Svetlana was left to her own devices to cope as she had been ever since Anatoly started to pull away five years ago.

Truthfully, though, Svetlana didn't know how to do this anymore than Elphaba did. Her and Anatoly always started these types of conversations through chess moves, they didn't do the whole... jumping straight into a conversation that could be awkward or painful. So all she could do was try. So long as Elphaba felt comfortable talking so that she could talk to her friends, Svetlana would figure this out, even if it was awkward.

"Whenever you are ready, we can start. Or we can talk about anything to build up if you like?"

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-13 05:19 am UTC (link)

Sitting down, Elphaba smiled gently. At least Svetlana understood. Next time, though, she'd give warning to someone meeting her in public that didn't know she had this spell. Elphaba had just been distracted by her thoughts to mention it this time. Hopefully after tonight, she'd be a little less anxious and therefor be able to think more clearly about things in general. She didn't like being in this state. Sure she always had a tendency to act before she thought things through, but being constantly anxious wasn't a good thing.

"It is. It's even more difficult when talking isn't your strong point." Elphaba was one that just held everything inside. She tended to keep her personal emotions close to her heart, for better or for worse. Usually it ended up being for the worse because she was a walking time bomb when her emotions were held close and left to fester around her heart. And that's when she was the most dangerous to herself and to others. She couldn't risk putting her friends in danger because of her unreleased emotions about what she'd been through. So now she needed to poke a hole in the proverbial balloon around herself and release the pressure she felt building up around her and within her.

Thanking Svetlana for the tea, she took it and sipped, taking a moment to savor the scent and taste. "The tea is good, thank you." She set the tea down on the table, but kept both her hands wrapped around it. She looked down at it for a few moments before she looked back up at Svetlana. "Are you familiar with a musical called Wicked? Or a movie called The Wizard of Oz?" Despite both being popular in this world, she wasn't going to assume Svetlana knew either of them. She didn't want to assume this woman knew who she was. It seemed like the best starting point, an easier segway into discussing what had happened in that alternate Oz.

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thegirlisme
2011-12-13 06:07 am UTC (link)

Well one thing could be said for Svetlana, she was observant. It was probably why she was so good at chess. She could see things that didn't need to be said, simple things that made it so she knew what to expect. So knowing the way people were meant she knew that green skin was not acceptable. True she hadn't known Elphaba had a way around it, but if she did, it made sense that she would use it, as she had. But Elphaba was right in being constantly anxious wasn't a good thing. Svetlana knew that one first hand. Her paranoia was running rampant no matter how hard she tried to keep it controlled. Thankfully the only one who knew what to look for in regards to that was Anatoly, but she still worried that one day she'd betray herself.

The comment on talking not being a strong point gave Svetlana pause and a slight smile.

"That I understand as well. I am more used to expressing myself through pieces on a chess board..." It was true, and somehow Svetlana felt it would always be true. It worked, but it also made what was going on in her head hard to express as well, that couldn't be expressed through chess. The fear, sure, but what happened? No. But at least Elphaba seemed to like the tea. "You are welcome. It is one I have found to be helpful when I am upset."

Something else Svetlana knew? Tea. Because it was her choice of medicating herself. It didn't matter if she was physically sick or if it was emotional. Whatever the case, Svetlana preferred tea to any sort of therapy. Tea over chess was just intensifying that. And then the question on if she knew Wicked or The Wizard of Oz.

"I have heard of The Wizard of Oz. It was a book turned into a movie I believe, but I have not seen it...." True, most would have seen it, but again, Svetlana was from a place where censorship was rampant. And things such as a road made of gold or a city made of emerald would not exactly go with the whole communism/socialist regime she had come from, "Forms of media were highly censored where I am from..."

Perhaps that was why she and Erik had always turned to chess. They couldn't censor a game of chess, the strategy involved. It was the new world order. And it was what had saved her life and destroyed it. Funny, that.

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-16 12:05 pm UTC (link)

Despite the circumstances, Elphaba found herself all ready liking Svetlana. She was polite and kind when she didn't need to be, and both were things Elphaba had rarely experienced until she'd ended up here. Not for the first time, Elphaba wondered if the difference was this place they were in, the other worlds the people here came from, or if Oz was just full of people that were that bad. But that didn't matter now, what mattered is that there was someone willing to hear what she had to say. And, of course, if she was able to say it or not. The last thing Elphaba wanted was for this conversation to be in vain and have nothing come from it. So, she'd make a valiant effort to get herself to talk.

"Chess, I've never really known how to play, but I can understand expressing yourself through it." Elphaba had seen people in parks or cafes playing it since she'd been here. It was a game of strategy, but she could see how it could also be a game of expression. Anything could be used as a means of self-expression, really. "I should drink tea more often. I usually only do when I am upset." It was a slightly odd habit she'd done since being here. She wondered if Galinda or Elena had picked up on that mannerism yet.

Elphaba wasn't sure whether she should be relived that Svetlana hadn't seen The Wizard of Oz or not. At any other time, she'd be relieved, but now she'd need to explain herself a little more. "Oh, I understand. I cannot say I'm sorry that movie was censored from a personal stand point, but I am sorry you lived somewhere like that." She sipped her tea again and took a breath. "That movie and book tell a version of where I'm from, but Wicked is the accurate one. I am a witch, and in Oz through a series of events, I ended up being branded a wicked witch by the Wizard and my former sorcery teacher, Madame Morrible. I was standing up for an injustice, and that was my reward, being hunted everywhere I went because the Wizard declared it so." There was an underlying bitterness to her voice as she recounted that. She was still bitter that her entire life she'd believed in the Wizard, only to find that he was not only completely powerless, but a liar and behind the evil in Oz.

"When some of us here ended up in those alternate realities, I was in a different Oz. I can't say how the other me was, but it was a far darker Oz than the one I am from." She paused, taking a steadying breath. It was going to be difficult to say anything beyond this point, but she was going to try. If she didn't get this out, how could she expect to heal the internal wounds? Elphaba wanted to be happy, and getting this out was the key to getting there again. She hated being so closed off now. Sure back in Oz she wouldn't have minded being closed off and detached from people, but here? It was more than impossible to do that.

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thegirlisme
2011-12-16 10:22 pm UTC (link)

The fact that someone seemed to understand how one could express themselves through chess boded well. Svetlana knew that some people didn't see how it was possible but when one was on the same wave length as their partner, they could. It just meant knowing what each piece represented in that moment and what hesitations and certain moves meant. Most people merely saw the strategy aspect, which was all well and good, but there was so much more if one looked. Of course, couldn't it be said that was the case in many situation? So Svetlana gave a slight smile.

"Yes. It is not a common means of self expression but it can be done if you and your partner know one another well enough..."Which had to mean something for her and Anatoly, right? If they could still converse in such a way despite the distance between them... "If you like someday, I can show you the basics?" After all, it would be mean not to share what she knew. And as Svetlana used it to focus, perhaps she could help Elphaba with that as well.

Hearing the currently not green woman say she wasn't sorry that it was censored, Svetlana just gave a small nod before shrugging. She doubted Elphaba understood the reasons on why it was, but that was no reason. Still what could really be done?

"It is what it is, the government will try to control the minds of the people to fit their own ideals. Censorship is part of that and it was a part of my everyday life, so it was normal."

What was the use of being upset over it? She couldn't change it, she wasn't even there anymore. True, it looked as though Russia still was quite involved in censorship despite losing the Cold War twenty years ago, but at least it wasn't as bad.

But then, Elphaba went into her back story of sorts, and so Svetlana merely sipped her tea and listened intently. Oh, she could pick up on the underlying bitterness. The Russian woman was certain if she ever explained her own situation, that there would be bitterness in her own voice, no matter how much she tried to mask it. Especially if she started to explain the American version of Chess and how it had changed and what it tried to express. Though, the comment about the alternate realities caused Svetlana to tense, her eyes to flash ever so quickly. Her reality hadn't even been that much darker, just the circumstances. What Molokov had done, Anatoly... and then having to deal with him when she needed her husband the most.

"It seems that was common for many people, sending them to a world like their own but darker..."

Svetlana's voice was soft, but underlying with her own pain even as she tried to mask it. But she was just so tired now and it took so much energy to keep everything hidden. So back to her tea.

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-24 08:03 am UTC (link)

From what she'd seen, chess seemed to be an interesting game, one she'd like to learn. It didn't take much of a leap for Elphaba to all ready tell that the pieces on the board could be interpreted in different ways, most likely due to whatever move they were used to make at any given moment. She liked things that involved strategy like that, but also had equal parts symbolism. Elphaba wasn't always straight-forward about her emotions, she sometimes took a round about way of expressing them, such as she was doing now. Perhaps learning chess could give her another way to express herself. She couldn't deny that she was suddenly wishing she knew the game all ready and had a board in front of her so she could speak through moves, but she would talk.

"I would love to learn, thank you for the offer. When strategy and symbolism combine, I find I can never go wrong with them." Especially considering she was trying her best to keep herself from flying off the handle at things. She didn't want a repeat of Oz, nor did she want to repeat when she'd set all those zoo animals free. Truth be told, she'd done a very good job of keeping her temper of late. But it never hurt to have a back-up in place should her current methods fail.

While Elphaba had studied a lot of the things here on Earth, mostly history, she hadn't quite delved much into Communisim. She was fascinated by the ancient civilizations, and thus read the most about them. But once Svetlana explained the censorship, Elphaba fully understood. It was much like what the Wizard had been doing in Oz. "Oh I understand that now. Oz wasn't so different, the Wizard squelching any out-spoken voice that went against what he said." It was still sad to her that for so many years she'd believed in the Wizard, only to have all her hopes and beliefs crushed upon meeting him.

Elphaba caught the underlying pain to Svetlana's voice. It was one that sounded all-too familiar to her, and she felt bad for what she was about to tell this woman. But Svetlana had been nice enough to offer to listen, and if this woman needed to talk in return, Elphaba would gladly do so. She took a drink of her tea, then studied the liquid in the cup for some moments before she continued.

"In the Oz I'm from, I had grown accustomed to being hunted, to hiding myself from the Gale Force. But in the year I've been here, I've fallen out of those habits. When I found myself in that other version of Oz, I found I was being hunted there, but I no longer could cover my tracks like I once could. Also in that world, I found my mother and sister were still alive." She paused, looking back up at Svetlana. "My mother died when I was almost five, giving birth yo my younger sister. My younger sister was killed shortly before I ended up in this world." She paused again, drawing in a steadying breath. "When the Gale Force brought me back to the Emerald City and had me in prison, Madame Morrible came to visit, gloating over my finally being captured and how she was going to make an example of me. They...they tortured me...for days..." Her voice cracked and she looked down at her arms, though her skin was hidden beneath the fabric of the turtleneck and the wounds were healed and gone, she could see the open wounds, the burns, and she cringed, pinching her eyes shut. But when she closed her eyes, she was only greeted with images from being strapped to that table.

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thegirlisme
2011-12-24 09:42 pm UTC (link)

Elphaba seeming interested in chess was nice. Mostly because it meant that maybe she could play someone not from her own world as she hadn't seen Mr.Saxon since their one game. But it wasn't as if he were displaced like the rest of them, of course it would make sense that she might not run into the man again. And while she had won, it had still been a nice change of pace. So hearing the normally green skinned woman say how she couldn't go wrong when strategy and symbolism were involved, the petite Russian smiled slightly.

"No, it is hard to go wrong with that composite. So I would not mind teaching you at all." And again with them mixing up of words, but Svetlana was allowed with the exhaustion and stress and paranoia running rampant in her mind. Really, she at least was still able to communicate in English even if it were slightly awkward at times when she got the words wrong. But no matter. Svetlana didn't even notice it this time.

The definition of Oz sounded a lot like Russia under the KGB's rule. One wrong thing and families were torn apart, broken. People taken away, shunned for the deflection of their family members. There was no safety, no matter what was claimed.

"It is stressful... to live like that."

Would Svetlana ever talk about what had happened? She honestly didn't know. She had thought about talking to Darcy about it, but between being a new mother and her friendship with Florence and Svetlana's own issues, that never had happened and the woman was now gone. Like everyone. This place made it worse. People could be left behind, be it by the person they trusted changing or because the Seal changed it's mind. Why bother trusting? But she also knew that, like it or not, Freddie was right. She needed to open up to someone. Still, that was a ways away for the blond, who instead sipped her tea as Elphaba finally spoke.

She knew what it was like, to lose loved ones. She didn't know the circumstances around Elphaba's sister's death or their relationship, but family was still family. Svetlana had had her share of familial loss. But there was more to Elphaba's story and all Svetlana could do was look down. Part of her felt compelled to reach over and take the younger woman's hand, but given her own trauma and knowing how jolting a simple touch could be after that? She decided against it. So instead she merely nodded as she looked to the side in thought.

"Torture of any kind is horrible.... though I think personally I would prefer physical torture. The damage is there, the fear and paranoia... The body memories... but I find that easier to come back from than mental torture, blackmail. The looking over your shoulder is still there, but it seems...I do not know. This is just my personal feeling on the matter from my own experiences and how I am.... Still, I am sorry. No one should have to endure that..." Well, maybe not no one. Would Svetlana wish this upon Molokov? She truly didn't know.

"The important thing is you are alive. Yes, changed, something like that will always change you, but you can learn from it, use the scars as proof of your strength when you feel it fleeting..."

It was what she was trying to do with Anatoly or had been before this. Moving on, growing. True, it wasn't physical torture, but the emotional anguish, the pain and distance between them. If they could overcome that? Well, it would be proof that they were stronger than anyone gave them credit for. Now though? Now Svetlana was paranoid of human contact, even tensing if her daughters hugged her without her knowing, because she could feel Molokov there, watching, waiting.

"Speaking about it is a step, opening up and processing...." Something she still refused to let herself do because she had two daughters who still woke up screaming at night in fear that they were in the morgue again. Crying in pain as they felt themselves being shot again. Jelena, so sweet and affectionate sometimes afraid of her own shadow and Fayina ready to pick a fight with anyone, no matter their size...

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-25 08:50 am UTC (link)

It wouldn't hurt to learn to play the game. A lot of the things she'd found in this world fascinated her. She kept herself busy reading and learning about things, which was good because she hated doing absolutely nothing. Learning this game would be another thing she could do when there was nothing else to do. There was a lot about chess she was curious about, but now perhaps wasn't the best time to go into those details.

When Svetlana mixed up her words, Elphaba didn't correct her. She understood the meaning, and she was used to things like that. Galinda tended to make up words a lot, so a misplaced word wasn't something she'd correct. "Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm always eager to learn new things." And she wouldn't turn down the opportunity to learn anything either. Of course there were things she'd rather not learn about, but chess was not one of those.

"It is. And if you don't agree with the people in power, you have to have a very strong resolve to so much as stand up to them." Elphaba had been one such person, and she'd spent five years fighting for the Animals, saving as many as she could from being stuck in cages. It was sickening, really, to know that people could be so heartless as to do something like that to mere animals.

Elphaba listened closely as Svetlana responded, sipping her tea ever so often as she did so. The blonde was right, all kinds of torture were horrible and no one should have to suffer any of them. But the way Svetlana responded made Elphaba wonder if the blonde had been a victim of torture, specifically mental torture. But she wondered if asking would be too intrusive. At any rate, Svetlana seemed to understand which made this whole conversation just that much easier from Elphaba's position.

"I agree, actually. Physical torture is easier to deal with, once the body itself heals." After all, hadn't she been the victim of mental torture from her own father? Well no, he wasn't actually her father, just the jerk that had raised her. "I can at least say I've stopped jumping at every little noise, and I can go outside now. That's something at least." There was a faint ghost of a smile that crossed her face briefly. She leaned back in her seat, shifting her cup of tea between her hands a bit.

"I am glad I'm alive, and that I'm here. Safe." Well safe from the Gale Force anyway. She wasn't safe from anything else the evil in this world could throw at her, but she wasn't defenseless. She was a witch. She just hoped that she could have some more time to heal before she would have to fight again. She may not be the best asset in a fight at this current moment, though she'd try.

This was a step in the right direction, acknowledging this out loud to someone else. "It is. Until now, I've only mentioned it out loud to myself. And that's doesn't really count." She fell silent for a few moments. "Truth be told, all of that is blur to me now. I remember the pain, the cutting, but it all blends together. Perhaps that is for the best. I couldn't even tell you how many days I was in there. It felt like a lifetime. It was rather jarring to suddenly return to this world. Luckily a friend found me right away. I would not have made it anywhere safe on my own." She looked at her hands. "Healing potions come in handy. They managed to close all my wounds. Otherwise I'd appear like a mummy in front of you now." She couldn't help but chuckle very softly at that joke. Well the chuckle was a good sign. She'd barely even cracked a smile much lately. Talking seemed to be having a positive effect, as she'd hoped it would. This was good.

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thegirlisme
2011-12-25 02:00 pm UTC (link)

Svetlana was master of keeping herself distracted by learning new things. True she usually ended up relying solely on chess to get her through things, to help her focus or to communicate with Anatoly, but the fact remained that she definitely knew how to distract herself. And was that so wrong? After all, it wasn't as if she were going out hurting people. She just was keeping things to herself because that was all she knew how to do, especially as of late. Perhaps had Anatoly not grown distant, that wouldn't be the case. She would have had someone she was able to talk to when something went wrong. In her own time, yes, but she wouldn't force herself to keep it hidden. So that made the distractions all the more important. As she, Svetlana gave a small smile and nod at Elphaba's words on wanting to learn. They could figure out specifics at a later date.

Hearing the words about strength to go against what the government said if it was right gave Svetlana pause. She never had. She'd been complacent. She worried for daughters and did everything to protect them and she knew there was nothing she could do against the KGB. Not without risking their safety and lives. Anatoly had gone out into the world and left her behind to deal with the corruption. True, it was normal, it had been their entire lives, the fear and looking over the shoulders, they didn't step on toes and in turn, they were able to live their lives in relative harmony. At least until Anatoly changed and left. Even staying on her best behavior wasn't enough at that point. So all she did was try to live her life and protect her daughters, could she really be judged for that?

At least it seemed her words hadn't offended Elphaba. Between the language barrier and her exhaustion, Svetlana knew she could potentially say something wrong or it could at least come out wrong and the point would be missed. So thankfully there was that.

"Yes, it is something and each step forward is something worth being proud of." Because it was. "It really is a big step all things considered. It means you are adjusting again, realizing that not everything is a threat, that you can leave and not fear the mere outdoors."

Svetlana had never let herself be afraid of going out, or she tried not to. The two incidents when she'd been jumped, when Anatoly had saved her, those had made her afraid for a little while. She still went out, but the fear was there. Because there were fates worse than death, and being attacked the way she had during Anatoly's defection was far easier to handle than the way those attacks had been headed. Of what Molokov had done to her. Oh, she had agreed but her hand had been forced because the lives of her daughters had been in the balance. And it wasn't as if he had been kind or gentle with her, especially after 'she' had gone to talk to Anatoly.

As for things blurring together? Svetlana wished that were the case for herself. Each violation was a cut in her that she remembered even as she tried to push it aside. She tried to block it and while she didn't process it or respond, the memories were there, haunting her. She never gave it voice, never stated what had happened because that would make it real and honestly, Svetlana couldn't handle that.

"You are lucky that a friend found you. Having someone there who cares for you is a great help, even if you do not speak of what had happened, their presence alone can help to ground you, focus you...."

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thegirlisme
2011-12-25 02:00 pm UTC (link)

Her voice trailed off at that. Because Anatoly hadn't been there this time. Physically, yes, but that version? No. And that was where the real issue was. Svetlana knew that, had her Anatoly been the one to respond to her request for him to come over when she needed him, had he been there when the girls had been shot, when they died... if he had been there, she wouldn't be so closed off and so cold. Because she knew that he would have been there for her, even to just sit with her. But because she hadn't had that when she first got back, because she had to steel herself against all the words and insults hurled her way, Svetlana thus couldn't let him close now even now, after knowing for certain and having known for certain that he was there.

Hearing the small joke, Svetlana's lip twitched into a faint smile. Good. She was able to joke, that was definitely something. She wasn't locked in her mind, she was on the road of recovery and that was good, important.

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tothewesternsky
2011-12-26 06:59 am UTC (link)

This talk was going a lot better than Elphaba had originally thought it would. Where her words had caught in her throat when she'd tried to say something to her friends, they flowed more freely here. There definitely was something to having someone outside her close friends to talk to. And she'd even made a joke, something that told her she could get over this. For a while there, she didn't think she could get over what had happened. She'd been locked within herself and threw herself into watching an unhealthy amount of television. On Demand was really addicting, especially if she found a TV series she actually liked, then she could get up to date with it.

But Elphaba was the type that couldn't run forever, she knew that. She could run from people and places, but she could never run from herself. At the end of the day, she would always be left alone with herself and her thoughts. And that's when the ghosts came back to haunt her. They usually came in the dead of night when she was the only one awake and aware that at that moment, she was alone. That was when she was the most vulnerable, and so many nights since returning to this place she'd been so afraid to sleep, so afraid to get out of bed. For her to be in public right now, using a spell to change her skin color to one that was socially acceptable, was a huge step. It was hard to sit there and not look over her shoulder, but the friendly presence Svetlana gave her was enough to calm her. Or maybe it was the tea. Or a combination of both. It was undoubtedly the latter. She would need to remember this tea so she could get some for herself. If anything, it could help her sleep better on those nights when she found herself struggling to relax.

"It is. I can't really properly express how grateful I am for that." Expressing gratitude was still largely new to her, but she always managed to find a way. At least now she wasn't so awkward in approaching the topic. It was much like she was far easier to hug now. Or at least she had been before the other Oz had happened, but she knew once she got a little further down this road, the hugging would come back. Which would be a good thing because Galinda liked to hug her at any given moment without warning, and she liked feeling far more at ease with it.

Elphaba heard the way Svetlana's voice trailed off, and she wondered if she should ask about it or not. She could tell just from the way the blonde was talking that she understood this topic to a point where she herself had endured something similar. But Elphaba also knew they had come here to talk about what had happened in the alternate Oz, and she didn't want to catch Svetlana off-guard. Elphaba knew better than most people how bad it was to catch someone emotionally unprepared for something. So instead of pressing the subject, she took another drink of her tea.

"One thing can be said, the experience is one that will make me stronger, help me to grow as a person." Even though she was speaking in the first person, she silently directed the words at the both of them. It was true, what didn't kill you made you stronger. "It's all about how you pick yourself back up afterwards that measures the outcome, I think." She was more stating a fact than actually directing her words at Svetlana or herself directly. But they were applicable to the situation.

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