“I can try. I mean, I will. I’m not gonna hide away forever and I wanna learn to fight this way, to be less weak. But its hard Sam. I’m not gonna lie and pretend its not. I always thought, I’d do good, I’d be a good wife to you, I’d help you and yours fight back, and I made friends, I made good friends. But I didn’t feel guilt the way you do. I didn’t feel like it was a thing to feel guilt for. It was just the person I had been. Now though, now there’s nothing but that guilt. And its horrible. That’s why I just wanna drink right now. Drink and have you here to tell me I’m not the worst person in the world. To tell me I can do this. Can we do both of those tonight and then tomorrow I’ll try okay. I just can’t today.”
It was hard to understand how she could get past this and be better. But she’d try. Just, like she said, she’d try tomorrow. It made more sense than anything else. “Can you just hold me please. Hold me and tell me you love me. And help me forget all this, just for a little while?”
She barely paid attention as he went to get the first aid kit, but she took the first opportunity once he’d loosed her hand to grab at the bottle again and take another swig. Ready for the burn this time it went down easier. What she wasn’t ready for, even though he told her it would happen, was the sting from whatever he put on the cut. She winced, tears coming to her eyes, and then inwardly cursed herself for being so pathetic. “Pain never bothered me Sam. You know that” she said. Sam knew that better than anyone. “Is that what humanity is, is that what it is physically anyway. How do you do it? How do you take the pain, you have to teach me.” Rambling again. She decided very quickly that that really had to stop. There were plans, he’d put plans in motion already, teaching her how to shoot, sending her to Jo for knife training when once she’d have been able to go toe to toe on skill with the woman and then overpower her with demonic strength or her powers. Now, she was just a weak pathetic shell of what she had been. And no, she didn’t think he’d leave her. Of course she didn’t. She’d long since gotten past thinking he was just compromising by being with her. She knew Sam better than she knew herself now. “You’re stronger than me now” she told him. “It’s just different is all. I don’t know how that’s gonna work out for me yet but I know that I love you. I know that we’ll get through this. But right now, I look at you and all I can think is that now you’ll have to waste time and energy protecting me. It used to be so good didn’t it, we were a team. We were perfect, you could fight knowing that I was beside you, and I was strong and there was so little that could hurt me. Now all you’ll be thinking is about everything that can threaten me.”
Human, angel, demon, Queen of Hell. As he spoke she broke from her upset long enough to shake her head. “You have to admit Sam. I’d be a pretty kickass Angel” Ruby looked down at her hand again, fascinated mostly by the fact it still stung. It was a weird sensation, and pain, once she got used to how it felt now would still hold a fascination. But she could only see the weakness right now. Her weakness and how it could be used to hurt the man she loved more than anything else in the world. And she knew Sam was right about another thing, Ruby wouldn’t drown in her own humanity because the man she loved wouldn’t let her. And that meant the world to her. But she wouldn’t let herself be a burden to him. She’d work on being a human. She’d work on her fighting. But she’d find a way to get back what she lost, not because she particularly missed the coldness of the demonic life, mostly because she was stronger that way. And that was important. More than she’d ever thought. She wouldn’t be weak for long. She couldn’t be weak for long.
“I’m so sorry I screwed up all over again, Help me forget okay? Just for today.” she asked again, leaning her head against his shoulder and reaching for the bottle again.