So she’d finally stopped her tirade of emotional ranting. There had been a lot of it too, more than Ruby could ever have expected to hear. It was a ramble and for most of it, she wasn’t even sure of how any of it made sense. So far the whiskey made sense and of course Sam made sense. And those two things together would do for the time being. But wow had that tasted different than she expected. The burn from it, the feeling that her insides were on fire. But she relished the feeling. Because after the burn came the numb, and the numb meant she didn’t have to feel as awful as she did. And Sam, well he always knew what to say to make her feel better. But he was right. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t supposed to be the same. It would never feel the same being human. But he said that she’d adjust and maybe she would. If nothing else, she didn’t have any kind of a choice. “You get used to it huh? ...funny, neither me or Cas can go on drunken Dublin binges anymore. I liked those.” They’d been fun. But no more. Now all she had was this weird sensation in her stomach and a deep fear that she’d never felt before. Things were wrong. Things were so wrong and she couldn’t see a way back from it. Not really.
“I haven’t been normal in eight centuries. And I’m not, I know magic and everything but I’m not strong. And the magic I do know is so tied to hell, unless I can work something out with Crowley..I shouldn’t use it. And even then, I’m not sure I want him having that kind of a hold on me. I’m normal Sam. In fact no...I’m less than normal because I don’t even know how to be normal. And whatever I’m made of...it’s not gonna be enough is it. It’s never gonna be enough and I’m so sorry.”
He was adorable, her husband. He would always be there for her, he would help her through anything and everything that threatened them and he would always try his best to make her happy and content, and make her feel safe. He meant well. He said all the right things. But at the same time, every word only served to highlight her new failings. She had to learn from scratch. Guns, knives, everything. She had to learn all the stuff that these people already knew and she had to do it even through all the guilt she felt over everything that she had done. And there was so much. Sam had suggested sending flowers to Emily’s mother, and maybe she should. Maybe it would be something. One little small gesture that would mean something. Or maybe it was an insult even thinking like that about the blonde girl and the mother that was the only family she had.
She didn’t see how it could possibly make her better to do what he suggested. The woman would still have lost her daughter and Ruby would still have been her killer. But on the other hand, Sam had determined that it would at least to something, and she was at the very least willing to listen when he gave her advice. He was much smarter than she was after all always had been. And she supposed he was right when he had said he’d been there. He’d killed, and for a human, more than that, for a hunter. Killing, taking an innocent life, and condemning the world to suffer Lucifer free from his cage. To the hell he wanted to unleash. It wasn’t Sam’s fault. It was as much hers as it was his, and there was the guilt for all of that. For everything she’d done to Sam, cause in truth, he was a victim of hers too. God she’d nearly destroyed him, torn him from Dean...walked him so far along the path of destruction, made him an addict. Only love had saved them from themselves. Saved Sam from her cruelty and her evil.