She needed to see him. There was a spike of hope. But he supposed it could be only to confirm in herself that she hated him. It made altogether too much sense for that to be the case and so he nodded slowly, clasping his hands together acting more the statesman than her former lover. That wasn't the way to go about it either. His desire for power was what had caused this rift in the first place. Still, his heart gave a little leap when she told him he looked like himself. The dark side had taken its toll on him, he knew. His eyes, his face had looked sunken, tired. He had not looked well near the end and he had known it. And he had known why much as he had tried to deny it to himself. Sith Power took a lot out of a Force User. One had only to look to history, to Palpatine to see that.
"Thank you. It means a lot for you to say. Truth is, I think this place does a good deal for me. I have a long way to go, I've slipped. I've cast lightning, but in defence of the people here. I...I'm trying to find balance. I'll never be that idealistic young man, searching for answers again. But I can be something new. Not him, not Caedus. Someone new." He watched her for a moment. Her very stance was regal. Perfect posture, perfect hair in spite of dimentional travel. Even her clothing appeared unruffled. That was very her of course and he couldn't resist a small smile at the sight of a woman who had not changed from when last he had seen her. She didn't seem to hate him, but maybe... "Is it anger you feel Tenel Ka. Or pity." he asked, unable to look at her at that question. Pity in those grey eyes might push him to bolting, running out of there and hiding from any dissapointment he might find there.
"If you want to know, I'll tell you. But remember this was Caedus. I was making decisions purely to bring around my will. I wanted a perfect world for Allana and I was willing to try everything. Then they took her away, took her back to you and... I started..." Liutennant Tebut. She was where he'd begun to fall apart. "I killed an officer on the Bridge of the Anakin Solo purely because she'd followed procedure that the reb...that Mother and the others took advantage of to get Allana out. I signed things into law, more powers for me directly, I... I subdued rebellions on several planets, most notably Kasshyyk. I fought Luke, I took Ben...I...held him. Placed him in the Embrace of Pain, to try and break him. Make him my new apprentice. I..." The list was endless and Jacen couldn't sit, pushing the chair at his side out of his way he started to pace.
"The Moffs, Imperials...kriffing Imperials, they wanted a deal to get behind the GA after I had Tahiri kill Pelleon. And they didn't trust me. I was another Vader, the new black clad Sith talking of conquest. His Grandson. Unpredictable. And somehow they found out I had a connection to Hapes. They wanted to create a nanovirus to kill you and Allana so I'd have no ties to bind me. They had Isolder. Tenel Ka, and..."
They killed him. They did it. It would be such a simple lie. One more lie to the woman he had told so many to. Lies came easy to Jacen, slid off his tongue like honey. But no. If he ever wanted her trust, he had to do this.
"I had to stop them. The only way was to kill him before they could do what they planned. He knew...he looked at me and he knew and I... Of course by then they'd done it anyway. Tricked me and I'd killed him for nothing and..." He was rambling. Trying to defend his actions. He'd taken her fathers life and now he knew he had lost her forever. He turned away from her, gazing out the window. No tears in his eyes, he didn't deserve to cry for Isolder or for what his actions had cost him but terrified all the same that this was it for him.
"I won't stop you" he said softly, fully expecting to hear the snap hiss of the turquise lightsaber he had fought alongside so often.