The only way they were going to get through this. Oh she knew that, she knew it so completely. She'd messed up. She'd hurt the man she loved and now she was the one that would pay for it, in so many ways. With his coldness and what she knew she had to do now, she'd known for a while, before Azazel's return even that if he ever did then she'd have to help them kill him. That there was no other way to prove she was on the level. But the thought of it was enough to make her heart break a little inside. At one time a word of praise from him could change her mood. Could give her the incentive to be crueller, more creative. To do everything he asked of her. But not now, not anymore. Now there was only Sam and the woman he was making her.
"I'm going to help, and you know what its going to do to me but thats part of me becoming someone better. I have to be able to fight him. I have to be able to help you do this or none of you will ever trust me. You won't trust me and you have no idea what that does to me Sam. You're everything I ever wanted, even if I didn't know it, and to loose you to the fear I'm gonna go back to him. That's not fair, its just not" He looked away from her. Couldn't even look at her and so she pulled back her arm as if she had been burned and took a few steps back from Sam not sure where to look anymore. She had no idea what she was supposed to do or how she was supposed to make this right. Maybe she couldn't maybe the sad truth was that there was no way to make it right.
"I'm sorry. You have to know that, and you have to know that I didn't do it for him. I didn't lie for him. I lied cause I was scared and worried and I honestly thought he'd kill them. I'm scared for them right now Sam. I'm terrified I messed up by telling you and somehow he knows cause he...he always knows, he always figures it out, like no one else could, he's...everything about him I used to admire, the things I used to aspire to. Now they're on the other side of this war and it scares the hell out of me. You don't know what he's capable of. Not entirely. Everything he did to you and your family, he can do worse...God Sam...I...I'd never go back to him now. Too much has changed. I have you, I love you, and you make me a better person."
Rambling again, it wasn't going to help either of them now, so instead she stood back further to let him go to the bedroom if he wanted, he'd need to send the message, he'd need to make it known to his family. Or at least tell them their supposed Grandfather was no one to be trusted. They were coming here then. And Ruby would have to tell them the truth.