InsaneJournal

Tweak says, ""ru/18?""

winchester, sam. (ex_demonbloo908) wrote in wariscoming,
@ 2010-10-26 21:53:00

Entry tags:

ruby, sam winchester

WHO: Sam & Ruby
WHAT: Ruby has to tell Sam something. It won't end well. D:
WHEN: Late evening, just after Sam gets back from Adam's place.
WHERE: Their apartment.
RATING: PG-13.
STATUS: Complete.

Sam was pissed off. Discovering that his entire life had been rigged from the start had been one thing; Ruby admitting that, again, she had another secret - a worse secret than that - to spill only made the blow twice as painful. Had she not learned by now that Sam hated it when she kept things hidden from him? It was the straw that had nearly broken them apart back when she had admitted that she had been using him for Azazel's master plan a while ago. Sam couldn't deal with Ruby when she lied to him. It hurt, it brought on unpleasant memories, and it left him feeling irrationally angry. He had thought that they'd moved past that. First with Lilith, again with Azazel's rigged life, and now...now he had this. This big thing that Ruby felt she had to bring on and confess to him. Something that she probably should have laid on him days ago, back when they had been talking about secrets and how badly it impacted him when she kept them away from him in the first place. To her credit, Ruby was coming out about this one on her own. Sam wasn't digging at her or finding out someplace else, he was hearing it straight from her mouth because Ruby knew how he felt about her keeping things form him. Still, it should have happened during their last conversation. And their last conversation should have happened a long, long time ago.

Lifting the case of beer he'd picked up (for his own sake) out of the car that he had stolen on his way back, Sam walked the familiar route to their apartment and nudged his way through the door. Unaware of where Ruby was waiting for him, Sam moved for the kitchen, eager to get started on his drink. Maybe if he had something to cool himself down with, he'd be able to handle all of this better.

That didn't seem likely, unfortunately. He was already infuriated and Sam was terrified to think of how much more angry he was about to get. Dammit, Ruby, he thought angrily, dropping the case of beer down onto the kitchen table. She was complicating things. Bringing up the past, hitting him with things he hated, and making him all screwed up in the head. Sam wanted this to be over. He wanted to deal with their problems, get over his anger, and then show her the ring he had tucked away in his pocket. But could he do that anytime soon? Especially with all of this going on? Moodily, Sam ran a rough hand over his face. Things weren't going according to plan in the slightest.

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frostandsnow
2010-10-27 04:29 am UTC (link)

She heard him come in from where she'd shut herself in their bedroom thinking of just how she was going to put this. Things had been good lately, so good that she wondered sometimes if maybe they were finally fully back on track from all her betrayals. But there was one more. Just one more, and she knew in her heart she'd have to tell him. There was no other choice but to tell him because what else was she going to do, go on happy and wait for Azazel to make his move. Because he would make a move. And Ruby, scared as she was for Sam and his family knew that she had to be honest with them here. That was how family worked. That was what Sam had taught her lately. No more lies. No more hidden secrets. None of that. She stood up finally, stepping from the bedroom into the living room. And Sam was in the kitchen. With a case of beer. Yeah he'd need that. She stepped into his line of vision taking in every inch of the man she'd missed for the last few days. The love of her life and the reason she hadn't simply submitted to Azazel's will when she'd seen him that first night. Her Sam.

And now she had to disappoint him one more time. She hoped their relationship could take it.

"...Azazel's back" she blurted out before she lost all nerve and ran screaming for the hills. It was done now, he knew and now they'd have to protect his family. If Sam even still wanted to be with her after this. "He looks like your Grandfather, its a witches Glamour and he...he made me promise not to say it. Because if I did, he said he'd kill John and Mary and it'd be on my hands, but the truth is it's gonna be either way isn't it. Cause he's the ultimate betrayal to you, he was my mentor and thats still the one thing that keeps you from accepting that my past was part of me because its him and everything he did I..."

She was babbling, rambling, getting it all out in one steady stream of traumatised babble. It was out there now for all the world to see and know about and here was the worrying bit. His reaction. What would he do, would he walk out and leave her, would he cry, rage, spout latin, go for her blood in a fit of anger. In truth, Ruby wasn't sure how this would go. She leaned against the wall uncomfortable in the silence that always surrounded them every time she disappointed Sam. And it happened far too often for her liking. But she couldn't help but be terrified, for his family, for the city. And for them.

"Please don't leave me, I couldn't...I don't know what I'd do if you did?" she told him knowing how very pathetic it sounded but knowing also that it was true. Every word of it. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry and you know I didn't keep the secret for him. I...I kept it for you. Your family. I didn't know what to do for the best but I know its right to tell you. I know."

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-27 04:59 am UTC (link)

Sam popped one of the beers open and took a gulp. It didn't go down well, not with his mind on what was to come. Swallowing hard, Sam slid it onto the table and carried the rest over to the fridge. There were a few left-over from a couple days ago untouched inside, but not nearly enough to get Sam through this nightmare of a conversation (yes, it was going to be a nightmare if whatever Ruby was laying on him was worse off than even Brady had been) in one piece. It really had been a good plan, going off and getting a few more. Sam shut them away with the others, looking up in time to see Ruby enter the kitchen from across the room. He didn't say anything to her. He didn't need to. Ruby walked in and just started talking at him, like if she didn't get everything out all at once she'd spontaneously combust or something.

Azazel's back. Back. As in alive? Like the others who had returned from the grave? Sam didn't move. He let Ruby talk, listening as Ruby started on about Grandpa Campbell being the actual Azazel, lurking underneath some sort of glamor. Had they bothered to check him with the holy water? The silver? Sam thought back, hard, but found that he couldn't remember a single moment where he or any of his other family members had put Samuel under the usual trials that they did for everyone else. Things had been so hectic when Grandpa Campbell had arrived. Sam had just assumed that someone else had taken care of the routine, rather than going at himself. Stupid, stupid. He'd checked everyone else; why not him? Why? Sam drew in a deep breath, his emotions writhing through different levels of anger and surprise so fast that he felt like he was going to be the one to do the spontaneous combusting.

Sam did no such thing, thankfully. Rather, he shut the fridge door, quietly turned around, and walked back to the kitchen table. Reaching out, Sam picked up his beer. He stared out ahead of himself for a long moment, eyes fixed on nothing in particular until he looked down and took a long drink from his beer. It was only after he swallowed it down that he spoke again. He didn't bother looking at Ruby while he did so. Sam didn't think he'd be able to keep himself from snapping into a fit of pure rage if he did. "How long has he been back?" How long had she been hiding this from him? Anger. It was bleeding through, begging to take a lick at Ruby. Sam didn't let it.

Not yet.

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frostandsnow
2010-10-27 05:15 am UTC (link)

Not rage. He was cold. She remembered cold and cold was worse. Shouting she could handle. Fury and hurt she could take. But cold. She hated when he was cold because it meant that he'd gone past the heat of anger and into disappointment. He'd come back to hot anger later of course when he'd processed the whole thing. How long, he was asking. About as long as he'd been around but that wasn't what Sam meant. She knew what he meant. "I've known about two and a half weeks. That night he had us all for dinner, I went in first remember. I just looked and I knew, of course I knew. The glamour means nothing to me. He grabbed me and told me if I said anything he'd kill Mary and John and whoever else you cared about. He told me he'd have no hesitation and...I didn't know what else to do but keep it from you."

This was getting to her more than she would ever have expected. Why wouldn't he just look, or shout, or do something other than that blank stare and occasional sips of beer. He couldn't even look at her yet. "It's not because its him you know. That's not why I didn't say. I just know what he's capable of, you know that as well as anyone does. So when he threatened all I knew to do was agree to keep it from you. Because he's done it before, taken it all from you before and I thought if I could watch him, I know him better than anyone else here and I figured maybe I could work something out, stop him and you'd never have to know there was a danger but life doesn't work like that. And then I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so bad when you were talking about trust and my lies and needing to know I was honest and hell I know you probably can't trust me ever again but please at least say you know why I did what I did, even if you do think I'm an idiot"

Her hands were clasped tightly together in front of her as another tirade escaped her for a couple of seconds. Stuff she had to say to him or loose him forever. Stuff she was scared to say in case she lost him anyway. All her fears all her issues. The last lie. Tears stained the demons eyes, shifting them black as her emotional state rose futher into hysteria. "Before that night, I didn't know, I swear I didn't know. I'm not one of his anymore Sam, I haven't been since that night I told you the truth about me. No, no before then, I haven't been his since you told me you loved me and I told you it back. That look in your eyes that day it changed something in me, and we were scared remember cause love was wrong. Please just tell me it again. Can you do that?"

Irrational, maybe. But she needed to know.

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-27 05:55 am UTC (link)

Two and a half weeks. Did Ruby realize how much damage could have been done in that time? How many people Azazel could have killed? How much danger she had been putting his family in by constantly letting him be around them? Sam closed his eyes, attention firmly on focusing his breathing. His anger. It was a vicious thing, that anger of his. Bottled so deep down, but dangerous whenever it made it to the top. Sam didn't want to think that he was dangerous to Ruby (not beyond the addiction to her blood factor, at least), but he knew that his anger would hurt her. It always did when he directed it toward Ruby. He would yell, he would argue, and it would break her. Sam wished he could go about all of this calmly; he thought maybe he could have, if she had told him this a lot sooner. As it was now, Sam couldn't keep anything bottled for long. He knew that he was going to snap. Sam knew Ruby was going to hurt. But she should have known better, a voice argued, she should have told you sooner. She deserves every bit of what you dish out.

Sam set his bottle aside and forced himself to look at her. "You let that son of a bitch near my family," he said slowly, voice as cold as his initial reaction had been, if not colder. "You let us sit down at that table with him, knowing that he could have ripped us all apart right then and there. My mother was around him!" There it was; that anger. Flaring to the surface, breaking through in his eyes like fire. His voice was even worse. Louder, rougher. At the mere thought of Azazel sitting next to the woman that he had burned on Sam's nursery ceiling, Sam couldn't help but break. He wasn't allowed to touch her. Yet here he had been all this time - pretending to be one of their own, getting closer and closer to the family he'd ripped apart, and likely working on some sort of fucked up plan to screw them all over again. "You should have told me. You should have told all of us. Together, we could have stopped him right then and there. Now God only knows what kind of damage he's already done. I don't care if you think you were protecting us. What you did was wrong and unbelievably stupid. I thought you'd learned by now; being around me, being here with all of us, I thought you'd have learned that lying to the people you care about does nothing but hurt them. Even if you think you're protecting them, it's always gonna come back and bite everyone in the ass. Or did you forget about everything that led me to Lilith?"

Sam ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "You're unbelievable. And, no, right now? I'm a little more than pissed off. I'm not gonna stand here and profess my love to you because you're feeling bad. Sorry, I'm not exactly in the mood." First there was anger, now there was sarcasm. A part of Sam hated himself for going at Ruby this way, but he couldn't help it. Sometimes people did and said stupid things when they were upset. This was definitely one of those times. "I asked you before I left. I gave you every opportunity to be honest with me and you lied right to my face! I thought you would have learned by now, but you're being...you're being -" Sam threw his hands in the air and turned around, fingers rising to rub at the side of his jaw. "- you're being impossible, is what you're being. How am I supposed to trust you when you pull crap like this all the time?"

He couldn't do this. Sam had to leave. He had to warn everyone, then he had to hunt Azazel's yellow eyed ass down and find some way to kill him off before he did the same to his family. Would Ruby's knife work? The Colt sure did, but Crowley still had his paws all over that and Sam had no idea where the bastard was.

Blood. Drink it. It'll make you strong again.

Nostrils flared, Sam clenched his teeth together tightly and exhaled slowly. No. He couldn't. Not now. Not ever. "I have to take care of this," Sam said sternly. "I have to go."

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frostandsnow
2010-10-27 03:19 pm UTC (link)

And there it was, cold had given way to rage and the yelling was breaking her heart. She should have known, should have told him but all she could do now was watch him as he ranted furiously at her and take every single bit of the anger because it was deserved. It was right. But it was breaking her all the same. She had been an idiot, and maybe Azazel had known that when she did tell Sam this would be the outcome. Had she lost him now? The love of her life, no she couldn't have, that wouldn't be fair not when things were going so well for them finally. So many lies and so many disappointments. No wonder she thought Jess would be better for Sam, she would be.

"I thought he'd hurt you if I told. He's playing the long game, getting close and I thought if I said it he'd do something take Mary or John away and you just got them back. Your family is all together for the first time you can remember and I didn't want to take that away from you. I'm so sorry, I know I screwed up, I know I kept yet another secret from you but you have to know I didn't do it to hurt you. I'd never willingly hurt you and..." God this was pointless, he was too angry to hear her anymore. He was just raging and she didn't blame him one bit. "I want to tell them, your family. That's why I told them all to come here when they got back. I wanted to tell them all the truth but I had to tell you first, you know I had to tell you first. Please Sam don't hate me."

He wanted to leave, he wanted to walk out and go and hunt Azazel and Ruby's eyes widened, no, no the family. She had to tell all of them so they'd all go after him and she... she'd have to help. She'd have to commit that final betrayal of her mentor and she knew that. She just didn't want to think about that right now, tears already spilling for the hurt she'd managed to cause Sam all over again. She never did anything else did she. "...You're not strong enough for Azazel, not on your own, not without the Colt. My Knife won't do it. Not on him. And Crowley's not here at the minute so we're Coltless, which essentially means we need everyone in on this. You're not doing this alone Sam"

Did he get that at least, did he know what that offer meant to her, how much of a wrench this betrayal still was. Did he care right now? Were they even still? "...Are we still together?" she asked quietly, confused and scared and not knowing entirely where anything went from here. She could loose him, and then betray Azazel still further. and the fact was she'd do it anyway. Even if Sam considered this a secret too far and walked away from her.

"Please think about this, about the next move because I know him Sam. He thinks he's safe and he's playing games. Lets use that. Lets do this sensibly." Maybe she was talking to a brick wall now, maybe he didn't love her anymore, maybe that was it for them. But even if it was she'd do what she could to keep him safe. Him and his family. They'd probably never thank her for it either. "I won't let you get hurt. I won't let it happen." she muttered, her gaze having shifted from him to the floor. She couldn't do anything other than look down, ashamed, horrified and terrified.

"Don't go?" she said softly, tearstained face still transfixed on the floor.

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-27 11:04 pm UTC (link)

Sam wanted to believe that it was true. That Ruby had genuinely thought that keeping Azazel hidden from them was the only way to protect him. It was a stupid bit of logic, in his opinion, but if that was what Ruby had firmly decided on then Sam could have dealt with that. It wasn't going to stop him from being pissed off and it wasn't going to make all of this go away, but it was better than the idea of Ruby working with Yellow Eyes. Again. He had no doubt that Ruby was firmly on his side of things now, but there was a creeping sense of doubt ticking it's way out from under the surface that bled into all the insecurities that Sam had about the unfortunate combination of Ruby and Azazel. She still cared for him. Ruby had told him as much. So was keeping his presence really a secret to protect his family or was it because she didn't want to see her precious demon leader get hurt again? Issues. Yep, Sam definitely had them.

"Is that really why you lied to me?" He glared at her with pure skepticism in his eyes. He hated that it was there, but it was completely warranted. Ruby had always been so closed off about Azazel, only mentioning bits and pieces about how she had worked for him and about how he made her feel special like no one else could. She respected him. She cared for him. And if those feelings were anywhere near the kind of feelings she had for him, why wouldn't Ruby want to keep him a secret? "You sure it wasn't because he's one of your own? Because he's Azazel?Ruby is right there. The least she could do for lying to you is give you a taste... Sam looked down. No, no, no, no. There it was again. That urge, pressing him for the blood. Sam needed to take another of Epiphany's potion soon. He was getting tempted more than he had been in weeks. "I'll figure something out," Sam said shortly. "Even if that means I gotta -" He didn't finish the sentence. The last thing that they needed to add to this already never-ending trail of bad was his addiction.

Ruby was crying. Her eyes were all black, there were tears rolling down her cheeks...and yet Sam couldn't bring himself to touch her. He couldn't comfort her. There was a very large part of himself that really didn't want to right now. Ruby had royally fucked up; Sam was going to have to clean up her mess - again - and he didn't even know if either of them were going to come out of said mess alive. If Azazel didn't kill him, his family would kill her. It was a lose/lose situation all around, frankly, and Sam had no idea how they were going to pick up the pieces from here without getting themselves cut up on the edges real good in the process.

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-27 11:04 pm UTC (link)

"Is that really all you're worried about right now?" Them being together. He could see why Ruby was worried, but they had bigger things to deal with at the moment, didn't they? "Azazel is here, screwing around with my family, and all you can think about is whether or not we're gonna be together after you spent weeks lying to me - again?" Sam laughed incredulously, then moved over to pick up the jacket he'd slung over the back of one of the chairs at the table upon entering the kitchen earlier. "I'm going. He's a huge threat and I can't risk him hurting anyone else, let alone my family." It was a big deal to him, protecting his family. He'd lost everything. Now that he had everyone back again, Sam didn't want to lose them. He wouldn't become that bitter, cold man he had been before, drinking in the dark remains of some old, abandoned and withering house with nothing more than that numb feeling of absolute self-hatred to live off of. He wouldn't be that again. Just as Dean and Dad would never know the pains of the pit anymore, nor would Mary be ripped away from her husband and children again. And Adam, he had just gotten back from the dead. To die so quickly after having done so would have been awful.

"If I survive this thing - because yeah, Azazel is a big friggin' deal - we're gonna have a really long talk about us. This is the third time, Ruby. The third. You lying to me is the worst thing you could ever do to me." She knew that. It always led back to Lilith. The master plan. That moment on the road, where he had Ruby's own knife pointed at her throat. He had been entirely set on killing her then. But he couldn't have done. Sam didn't even think he could do it now, much as any old hunter would have screamed it was the logical decision. "I don't know if I can keep..." Now he was getting emotionally riled up and it wasn't just the anger that was to blame anymore. Frustrated, Sam slid his arms into his jacket and distractedly zipped it up. "You really let me own here, Ruby." His voice wasn't so angry on that one. Just...quiet. Defeated, almost. "I'm disappointed in you."

Sam didn't want it to end here. He didn't want this conversation to end here and he certainly didn't want their relationship to end here. But right now, he had bigger and badder problems to deal with. Sam needed to focus on that before he talked to Ruby about them.

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frostandsnow
2010-10-28 12:06 am UTC (link)

Well that was it wasn’t it? That was his trust in her revealed. He assumed, of course he assumed that she had lied to protect Azazel. That look in his eyes was killing her mostly because she wished he’d know better. Wished he’d see that much as Azazel being back had once been the dream she would never risk what she had with him. Never give it up because Sam was her life now. Because loving him and being loved by him was all that mattered. But she got why he asked it all the same. He had every right because lie after lie kept dragging them back to that night in the middle of some deserted dirty road where she’d told him to kill her if that’s what he wanted to do. And it still held true. If he couldn’t believe her then she might as well hand him the knife. She slumped down the wall hitting the floor with a thud, her hand sliding down to her boot and retrieving the knife which she held in her hand for a few moments, not saying anything just letting the question go round and round in her head. It was true Azazel had once meant a lot to her, at one time he’d been her world. But she’d walked away. Given that life up, and she’d done that for Sam.

“That’s not why” she said softly, knowing the glare was deserved. “That night Sam, that night in the hospital, on that road. That’s when I gave all that up. That’s when I said I was yours no matter what. Even if you’d rejected me, let me go like you wanted to. I’d never have gone back. You tell me if anything happens to you never to go back, and I won’t. Not even for him” she told him, unsure where to look but deciding he needed to see honesty in her eyes. If he believed it at all. “You want me to tell you I still care on some level? I don’t know if I do, I don’t know what I feel about him being alive but I do know if you asked me. If you asked it of me Sam, I’d kill him. I’d find a way and I’d do it for you. Because I know what he did. I know he tore your family apart, made your life...made it his plaything. And I know that he’s gonna want to do it again. He told me he’d kill them. He said he’d take them away from you and I didn’t know what to do for the best.”

She never knew did she, she never knew what was best, what was good or bad without someone to guide her. And everytime she thought she was learning something else would come along and slap her in the face for thinking she could grow into the emotions and morals Sam had brought out in her. And dammit he was looking at her like he used to, the coldness giving way to that need. “...you don’t have to.” she told him, curling her legs up to her chest almost protecting herself. “You’re doing so well and there are other ways, there are other ways we can do this.”

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frostandsnow
2010-10-28 12:07 am UTC (link)

But it seemed that didn’t matter because she’d done the wrong thing again. Worried about them when she should have worried for the family. For what Azazel’s endgame was. And she was worried, of course she was but maybe she was selfish. Maybe she wasn’t worthy of him because she still just didn’t get it. But she needed to know. Irrationally, she needed to know. She looked up, forcing her eyes back to human though there was no way she was going to stop the tears, they were coming in floods now. She was scared and hurt and in many ways broken by the conversation. And she didn’t know how to fix it.

His going definitely wasn’t the way, she knew that, she knew that if he left she’d do something stupid. But she wasn’t going to guilt him into it. No. She stood up shakily, walking toward Sam with the knife pointed down, not offering it, just holding it. “Look, You’re gonna do what you have to. I know that. But I want you to know, right here and now. I’m with you. You can tell me no if you want. Tell me...say you don’t trust me to help kill him. But I’ll do it. And I won’t lie and say its not going to tear me up inside to do it but I know it has to be done. And this isn’t to get you to say you love me. I know...I realise I messed up. Again. I realise that’s all I’ve done lately but I love you. And I know that he has to die because I know exactly the kind of danger he is to the family you’ve built up again.” Ruby pressed the knife to his hand and pushed herself closer, guiding the tip of it to her chest before dropping her own hands from the weapon. Here they were again, closer, more in love than before perhaps but back here all the same. “I guess...what I’m saying is, here’s where you decide if you still trust me. If the lies, all the lies and I know there have been a lot. I know I’ve hurt you, disappointed you and god I hate that word so much when it comes from you...but if you can’t trust me, then what’s the point of me. What’s the point of us? You can walk out of here, you can do it stupid or you can realise why I lied. I was wrong to lie, I see it now but I did it with the best of intentions. Not for him, not for any old loyalty. I lied because I love you, and because John and Mary don’t deserve that, not again. I helped take so much from you Sam, help me make sure you keep what you have now. Everything you have.”

She’d let him down. Disappointed him, hurt him.

And she knew their relationship was built on love that had come through hurt and anger but at some point that had to stop, at some point there had to be trust. No matter what. “There’s nothing of me now that I know and you don’t. No more secrets, no more lies and I’ll submit to any psychic you want to prove that to you. Or...you can take a leap of faith with me here, now. Please Sam”

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-28 12:50 am UTC (link)

He watched her pick up the knife, unsure as to whether or not she was reminiscing or considering giving him a taste of her blood. His mind instantly went to the blood whenever he saw her pull a knife out. Even if it was so much as her (attempting) cooking, Sam would see nothing more than her sliding the blade of whatever she was holding her hand across her wrist and beckoning him over for a drink. This was no different now. With his mind on Azazel and the temptation stronger than it had been in a good while, Sam couldn't help but eye the knife with interest. That faded quickly when Ruby curled into herself, looking for all the world like the last thing she wanted was for him to come anywhere near her. Sam bit down on his lip, inwardly cursing himself for being so stupid. No demon blood. He wasn't supposed to be drinking it anymore, let alone thinking about it. But it would all be so much easier if he could have that power back, wouldn't it? He could just walk right on in and blow Azazel apart. Show him that what he had created had been a mistake, then kill him with the very power that he had bestowed upon Sam to begin with. It would have been a deliciously ironic death, one that Sam was nearly ready to throw all that groundwork toward his recovery away for to make happen. Fingers locking together at the back of his head, Sam lifted his arms and turned away from Ruby, focusing his breathing once more. That helped, sometimes, when he got all twitchy like this. If it got any worse he'd go to the bedroom and get one of the vials of potion he had sitting on his desk. It'd help.

"It doesn't feel like you gave anything up right now," Sam said flatly. "This is exactly what you did back then. You knew that there was some great, big, bad master plan and you didn't say a damned thing to me, even though we were together. Even though we loved each other. Yet even with all that happening, you still found a way to stab me in the back." Sam was bitter. He wasn't even going to bother trying to hide it. "I want to trust you right now, but I can't. Not after this. Not after everything -" Sam stopped. Ruby's eyes shifted back to normal, momentarily distracting him. Sam didn't know if that was her getting better or worse, but he kept quiet as she got onto her feet and moved toward him, knife in hand. That knife was soon pressed against his palm, directed at Ruby's chest by no other than Ruby herself the second it landed there. What was she doing? Did she really think he was just gonna up and...? Sam immediately pulled the knife away, anger darting across his features. It was a reenactment of everything that had happened on that road that night. Him angry because of life or death lies, Ruby begging him to either kill her or let her stay, because there was nothing else left if he didn't follow through on either option. Infuriated, Sam hurled the knife to the ground, his own voice immediately drowning out the clatter of the knife against the tiled floor.

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-28 12:50 am UTC (link)

"Don't you ever do that to me again," he seethed, kicking the knife away for good measure. "I'm pissed, Ruby. I'm disappointed in you and I'm upset and rather than letting me deal with that, you're shoving knives into my hand and putting me at that same fucking fork in the road that we were standing at before? No." Sam pointed at her, shaking his head angrily. "You're gonna help me kill that son of a bitch. Prove you're still with me, that you weren't doing it because you're tempted to go running back to him the second he offers you something better than what I can give you." It was an insecurity he had. Sam hadn't worried about it much before because Azazel had been dead. Ruby wouldn't have to go running back to him. But now that he was alive and well again and knowing that Ruby had so many connections with him, he couldn't help but feel it. So terribly insecure and he didn't know how to make that feeling go away. Her lying had only made it all the more worse. "Prove it to me. Until then, I don't have anything to say to you." Nothing good, anyway. One day ago Sam had been sitting on Adam's back porch, worrying over how to propose to Ruby. Now he didn't even know if he was gonna be able to look her in the eye without feeling angry anymore. Fucking Azazel. Back from the dead a few weeks and he was already screwing everything up. How did he always manage it, without fail?

Glare still fully intact, Sam didn't dare look away from Ruby. He needed her to see how much this had upset him. Sam didn't know how much good it was going to do either of them, but her understanding that this was the only thing in the world that could break them apart was important to him. She should have gotten it the first and second time around. In fact, most people would have chosen to walk by this point. If she hadn't learned by now, she never would. The only thing that was keeping Sam from walking out of their apartment right now was the knowledge that she had possibly (because he was still skeptical) kept everything hidden out of concern for him and his family rather than her own twisted, demonic reasons. That and the offer to help. If Ruby actually pulled through and helped him take Azazel down...

It'd be a big step in the right direction. He needed this. They needed this, for the sake of their relationship. "I have to warn everyone to stay away from Samuel," Sam said coldly. "I think we're done here."

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frostandsnow
2010-10-28 04:52 pm UTC (link)

What had she done wrong now? She didn't get it at all. She'd done something wrong with the knife and once again she was getting things wrong in fixing it when he was mad at her. Disappointed. He still thought she had kept Azazel secret because of who he was to her and the thought that he didn't trust her still hurt much as she knew he had the right to think it. Of course he had that right. But she hadn't been lying to him. She was going to help him and his family in this fight. She was going to do all she could and it was going to kill her to do it. But that was the life she wanted. Being with Sam, being away from the lure of hell, from the plan. She was so much happier now even with the feeling she had now. Because even this hurt was better than the dark cold evil she'd known before.

"I'm going to help. And not cause I have to. Because you're right, he needs to die. You don't understand that I know that now. I'm going to prove to you that I'm not on his side anymore. And yeah, helping you do this isn't going to be easy for me. Yeah there are still old loyalties swimming around in my head and making me feel like I'm wrong for doing this but I know better. I'm not on his side now Sam, it doesn't matter that he's here. He could offer me the world and it still wouldn't compare to you. And fine, you don't believe that now. But you will. I'll show you" She knew this was messed up, eyes going to the knife Sam had kicked across the floor. She needed for him to trust her. She always needed that but she made it so hard for him, she knew that too. She was the one with the well intentioned secrets, the things she didn't tell him and sure, she should have. Hindsight was a wonderful thing of course. But here she was, wrong. So wrong. Again. She reached out, trying to rest a hand on his arm, trying to make him see that it was him she loved, show him that he was the one that had her heart, and her loyalty. She understood that he might not believe it, she'd see why. It was obvious to her now what she should have done.

"I know its the same. I know it looks like I'm doing now what I did then but all I can tell you is I'm not. I know you don't trust me either and I wish you did, god Sam, I wish you did more than anything but I have to earn that. I was just so scared of what he'd take from you." The tears were back as she spoke, eyes still human, but the tears were still flowing, she wasn't sure they'd stop until he told her he loved her. It was a strange way to think, strange way to be. But that was her. But he was right. "I told them to come over remember, all your family, Adam, Hermionie. I'm gonna tell them what I told you cause they deserve to know too. Would I do that if I was planning to go back to all that? Would I have told you? Think about it" she asked him. She just wanted his trust again.

"You can warn them on your laptop I..." she laughed a little bitterly "I got it fixed for you. Upgraded even, Virgil did it. Doesn't matter, its not important but its in the bedroom." she told him. "Tell them to come over here, soon as they get back and we can make a plan. If you want me in on it I mean. I understand if you don't want to tell me in cause you think I'll tell him."

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-10-28 11:27 pm UTC (link)

That was certainly a start. Sam knew that it wasn't easy for Ruby, offering to participate in helping him get rid of Azazel. He may not have approved of their relationship, but it didn't take genius to figure that she still had feelings for the son of a bitch. She still cared. Ruby may not have been willing to admit as much now that he was pissed with her, but Sam knew it to be true. The agreement to assist him and his family (if his family didn't rip her apart when they found out she'd been keeping something as major as Azazel a secret all this time) forced the anger back a little. It wasn't gone - not by a long shot - but Sam felt less prone to turning his back on Ruby and furiously storming out of the apartment. He still wanted to leave, surely; Azazel was here, if he could get to him before the rest of his family got back, then he could deal with him and be done with it. Plus, if he got away that meant he'd be able to get rid of Ruby for a while. He didn't really want to be around her that much right now. Not after finding out that, once again, she had been lying to him. Keeping secrets. Pretending that everything was just fine and dandy, when really his attention should have been directly on the one thing she was keeping hidden in the dark.

Sam flinched a little when she put her hand on his arm. He didn't do it because he was afraid of her; Sam did it because he hadn't been expecting to be touched. Coming out of a rage like that, then having someone come at him with such a gentle gesture felt strange. Strange enough to make him uncomfortable. How was it that Ruby was able to touch him like that when he was so upset with her, making him almost feel...what, ashamed? It was definitely something like shame. He had every right to be upset, but the emotion still kicked in. It was the look on her face, the way she was acting because of how she had taken the news. Sam didn't like seeing her upset. Even when he was enraged with her, he didn't like it at all. "Good," Sam said firmly, forcing himself to withstand the guilt. He wasn't going to give in and play nice because Ruby wasn't taking this well. It wasn't fair. "Prove it to me. Show me you're not one of his again. I need to see this, Ruby. It's the only way we're gonna -" He shook his head and looked away, loosing one of the fists he had balled up earlier out of frustration. Sam slid his hand into his pocket, fingers wrapping around the box that he'd been carrying there. He was supposed to propose to her. Sam had it all planned out. He had planned on asking her to be a part of his life forever, because she was the perfect woman for him. Because he trusted and believed in her. Sam tightened his hand around the box. He didn't know how to feel about that now. Sam certainly knew that he wasn't going to pop the question when he was feeling like this. So doubtful. Of her, of them, of everything. Drawing in a breath, Sam pulled his arm away from the hand she had set on him. "I need this. We need this. It's the only way, Ruby. You gotta help me take him down."

Sam moved over to the table and picked up his beer again. He drank down the rest of it in one go, looking to Ruby when she spoke of his laptop. Under different circumstances, he would have been thrilled. Sam had honestly thought that the entire thing had been done for after he'd smashed it apart before he took off on his hunt. Yet here Ruby was, telling him that she'd not only fixed it, but had it upgraded. Maybe he would have tackled her into a hug before. Told her that she was the best. Showed her his gratitude in every way possible, because that laptop was one of his most favorite things in the world.

Instead, Sam slid both hands into his pockets, looked down at the floor, and nodded. "Good. Thanks. I'll take care of that." Sam found himself staring at her a second later. "You're in on the plan. Whether they want you to be or not. If you screw it up, that's it. You're out." He felt like he didn't have to explain what out meant. As big of a deal as this was, Ruby would get it on her own.

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frostandsnow
2010-10-30 04:57 pm UTC (link)

The only way they were going to get through this. Oh she knew that, she knew it so completely. She'd messed up. She'd hurt the man she loved and now she was the one that would pay for it, in so many ways. With his coldness and what she knew she had to do now, she'd known for a while, before Azazel's return even that if he ever did then she'd have to help them kill him. That there was no other way to prove she was on the level. But the thought of it was enough to make her heart break a little inside. At one time a word of praise from him could change her mood. Could give her the incentive to be crueller, more creative. To do everything he asked of her. But not now, not anymore. Now there was only Sam and the woman he was making her.

"I'm going to help, and you know what its going to do to me but thats part of me becoming someone better. I have to be able to fight him. I have to be able to help you do this or none of you will ever trust me. You won't trust me and you have no idea what that does to me Sam. You're everything I ever wanted, even if I didn't know it, and to loose you to the fear I'm gonna go back to him. That's not fair, its just not" He looked away from her. Couldn't even look at her and so she pulled back her arm as if she had been burned and took a few steps back from Sam not sure where to look anymore. She had no idea what she was supposed to do or how she was supposed to make this right. Maybe she couldn't maybe the sad truth was that there was no way to make it right.

"I'm sorry. You have to know that, and you have to know that I didn't do it for him. I didn't lie for him. I lied cause I was scared and worried and I honestly thought he'd kill them. I'm scared for them right now Sam. I'm terrified I messed up by telling you and somehow he knows cause he...he always knows, he always figures it out, like no one else could, he's...everything about him I used to admire, the things I used to aspire to. Now they're on the other side of this war and it scares the hell out of me. You don't know what he's capable of. Not entirely. Everything he did to you and your family, he can do worse...God Sam...I...I'd never go back to him now. Too much has changed. I have you, I love you, and you make me a better person."

Rambling again, it wasn't going to help either of them now, so instead she stood back further to let him go to the bedroom if he wanted, he'd need to send the message, he'd need to make it known to his family. Or at least tell them their supposed Grandfather was no one to be trusted. They were coming here then. And Ruby would have to tell them the truth.

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ex_demonbloo908
2010-11-01 02:13 am UTC (link)

It was the same thing again. She had done it for their benefit, she had thought that it was the right thing to do, she wasn't going to side with Azazel because she was with Sam for good now. Yet the evidence was there, right in his face. Her lying, her sneaking around, her putting his family in danger by not telling him that Azazel had been back from the dead for weeks. Worse off, Azazel had been posing as his grandfather. That, right there, had been the icing on the already tremendously fucked up cake. Sam had sat with that man. He had talked with him, he had expressed his thoughts and feelings to him, he had trusted him. All the while, Ruby knew. She knew that he had been around the same son of a bitch who had poured demon blood down his throat and screwed his family to hell and back. Sam shook his head in annoyance. He was struggling to come up with a response that wasn't going to end with him insulting her or pushing Ruby even further away.

"I don't think I make you a better person," Sam finally said. "Not if this is what I've created. I can't trust someone who goes around and actively lies to me. I just can't." That said, Sam dropped his empty beer into the trash and moved for the kitchen door. He had to contact the others. Warn them to stay away from Grandpa Campbell. They could all meet up here and talk about what was going on. Sam knew that it wasn't going to be pretty, but it was the only way to keep them all from running off and trying something stupid before they could come up with a decent strategy together. Sam knew that was exactly what was going to happen if he didn't get them all over here first. How? Because it was exactly what he wanted to do right now. In fact, if Ruby weren't here, he probably would have stormed his way over to Azazel's place now.

"I gotta warn them. You -" Sam paused at the door. "- you just...get ready. 'Cause my family is coming here. And you're going to have to deal with that." Followed by killing Azazel. Because, damn it all, she was going to help him do it. "You're gonna have to explain that you lied to them for the past couple weeks. That you put them in danger by trying to 'protect them.'" It wasn't going to be pretty. Sam hoped that Ruby understood that he wasn't going to jump to her defense on this one either. They could yell at her all they wanted. She deserved it, this time.

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