What had she done wrong now? She didn't get it at all. She'd done something wrong with the knife and once again she was getting things wrong in fixing it when he was mad at her. Disappointed. He still thought she had kept Azazel secret because of who he was to her and the thought that he didn't trust her still hurt much as she knew he had the right to think it. Of course he had that right. But she hadn't been lying to him. She was going to help him and his family in this fight. She was going to do all she could and it was going to kill her to do it. But that was the life she wanted. Being with Sam, being away from the lure of hell, from the plan. She was so much happier now even with the feeling she had now. Because even this hurt was better than the dark cold evil she'd known before.
"I'm going to help. And not cause I have to. Because you're right, he needs to die. You don't understand that I know that now. I'm going to prove to you that I'm not on his side anymore. And yeah, helping you do this isn't going to be easy for me. Yeah there are still old loyalties swimming around in my head and making me feel like I'm wrong for doing this but I know better. I'm not on his side now Sam, it doesn't matter that he's here. He could offer me the world and it still wouldn't compare to you. And fine, you don't believe that now. But you will. I'll show you" She knew this was messed up, eyes going to the knife Sam had kicked across the floor. She needed for him to trust her. She always needed that but she made it so hard for him, she knew that too. She was the one with the well intentioned secrets, the things she didn't tell him and sure, she should have. Hindsight was a wonderful thing of course. But here she was, wrong. So wrong. Again. She reached out, trying to rest a hand on his arm, trying to make him see that it was him she loved, show him that he was the one that had her heart, and her loyalty. She understood that he might not believe it, she'd see why. It was obvious to her now what she should have done.
"I know its the same. I know it looks like I'm doing now what I did then but all I can tell you is I'm not. I know you don't trust me either and I wish you did, god Sam, I wish you did more than anything but I have to earn that. I was just so scared of what he'd take from you." The tears were back as she spoke, eyes still human, but the tears were still flowing, she wasn't sure they'd stop until he told her he loved her. It was a strange way to think, strange way to be. But that was her. But he was right. "I told them to come over remember, all your family, Adam, Hermionie. I'm gonna tell them what I told you cause they deserve to know too. Would I do that if I was planning to go back to all that? Would I have told you? Think about it" she asked him. She just wanted his trust again.
"You can warn them on your laptop I..." she laughed a little bitterly "I got it fixed for you. Upgraded even, Virgil did it. Doesn't matter, its not important but its in the bedroom." she told him. "Tell them to come over here, soon as they get back and we can make a plan. If you want me in on it I mean. I understand if you don't want to tell me in cause you think I'll tell him."