Well that was it wasn’t it? That was his trust in her revealed. He assumed, of course he assumed that she had lied to protect Azazel. That look in his eyes was killing her mostly because she wished he’d know better. Wished he’d see that much as Azazel being back had once been the dream she would never risk what she had with him. Never give it up because Sam was her life now. Because loving him and being loved by him was all that mattered. But she got why he asked it all the same. He had every right because lie after lie kept dragging them back to that night in the middle of some deserted dirty road where she’d told him to kill her if that’s what he wanted to do. And it still held true. If he couldn’t believe her then she might as well hand him the knife. She slumped down the wall hitting the floor with a thud, her hand sliding down to her boot and retrieving the knife which she held in her hand for a few moments, not saying anything just letting the question go round and round in her head. It was true Azazel had once meant a lot to her, at one time he’d been her world. But she’d walked away. Given that life up, and she’d done that for Sam.
“That’s not why” she said softly, knowing the glare was deserved. “That night Sam, that night in the hospital, on that road. That’s when I gave all that up. That’s when I said I was yours no matter what. Even if you’d rejected me, let me go like you wanted to. I’d never have gone back. You tell me if anything happens to you never to go back, and I won’t. Not even for him” she told him, unsure where to look but deciding he needed to see honesty in her eyes. If he believed it at all. “You want me to tell you I still care on some level? I don’t know if I do, I don’t know what I feel about him being alive but I do know if you asked me. If you asked it of me Sam, I’d kill him. I’d find a way and I’d do it for you. Because I know what he did. I know he tore your family apart, made your life...made it his plaything. And I know that he’s gonna want to do it again. He told me he’d kill them. He said he’d take them away from you and I didn’t know what to do for the best.”
She never knew did she, she never knew what was best, what was good or bad without someone to guide her. And everytime she thought she was learning something else would come along and slap her in the face for thinking she could grow into the emotions and morals Sam had brought out in her. And dammit he was looking at her like he used to, the coldness giving way to that need. “...you don’t have to.” she told him, curling her legs up to her chest almost protecting herself. “You’re doing so well and there are other ways, there are other ways we can do this.”