InsaneJournal

Q: I'm pretty sure my boyfriend of less than a year is very ready to pop the question! This would seem to be good news but I'm terrified! I've only had one long term relationship other than this and it ended... disastrously. I'm of an age where marriage and all that should be my goal, but I'm just not sure I'm ready to make that leap of faith!

Signed,
To leap or not?

Joan: First things first: There is no age that "marriage and all that should be [your] goal" - there is no age limit on other priorities, nor are these things the prescribed path to happiness so many in society seem to think they are.

Now that that's out of the way... You are not single and don't say that marriage or a family are inherently in juxtaposition to your goals. You don't tell me much about the relationship, but if he seems quite sure less than a year in that you are the witch for him, things must be going pretty well! These sorts of commitments - and the change that comes with them - can seem terrifying, of course, but if you have a partner you love, who you share a healthy, communicative relationship with, they can be scary, positive changes, too! I think this is your issue, though: the communication. Have you told him you're not sure you're ready to take such a step? Have you lived within the relationship in a way that communicates this to him or have you two discussed your potential future? A year in, these are perfectly normally conversations to have, and I think it's time you had one.

Q: My girl scares easy. How do I know she's ready for the next step without asking her and potentially freaking her out in the process? I'm terrified of losing her.

Signed,
Terrified

Joan: I feel like I should introduce to the witch above! Both of you are suffering from the same ailment - you must learn to use your words. I would hope that your girl isn't so easily scared that a calm discussion of the "next step" (whatever it may be) would frighten her into spinsterhood. If she is that skittish, perhaps a next step should be put on the back burner - along with all progress. If she's reasonable, though, a discussion about her fears and yours should clear things up.

Q: How do I do it?: My son came out to me as bisexual about 10 months ago. On the one hand, I do not love him any less and want to see him happy. On the other hand, I really want him to be happy in a heterosexual relationship. I know that the choice is his and his alone to make and I’m being supportive but societal judgment/gay-bashing/targeting IS real and I fear for his safety. In the crazy world in which we live, what can I do to actually be as supportive as I’m pretending to be? I truly do want him to be happy but I’m not going to lie: I truly wish he were dating a female. Help?

Signed,
Bi-Curious

Joan: Societal judgment against gay and bisexual people is very real, and you’re not doing anything wrong by acknowledging its power and worrying about the effect said judgment might have on your son. That said, don’t let that judgment start with you. Don’t add to it. Don’t let some of the censure and targeting that may come your son’s way—however well-intentioned you believe yourself to be—start with his mother. If you find yourself overwhelmed by doubts and panic, please get yourself to an LGBT-friendly therapist and/or the nearest PFLAG meeting, because you need an outlet or two for those fears, preferably an outlet that you didn’t give birth to.

Q: My boyfriend wants kids, but I have no idea if I want them myself. How do I figure out where I stand on the subject? None of my close friends have children of their own.

Signed,
Undecided

Joan: There seem to be two separate issues here. First: Does he want kids now? Because that makes your indecision a different problem entirely. If that is the case, and you're unsure, I would not suggest having children to appease him. Having a baby is something one should do with confidence and love, not because someone else feels you should (even if that someone else is a beloved partner). However, if his desire is more of the abstract 'some day' variety - which for most young witches and wizards it is - you have time. Being unsure doesn't have to be a dealbreaker in relationships. Now, if he was open and honest about his goals including children and you knew without a doubt that yours did not, that's a different story, but if he's been open and honest about someday wanting them, perhaps even with you, that is only the first in many discussions you should have together. This isn't something you need to decide right away. Some people know all their lives they want to be a parent, some don't know until they've hit their 40's - either way, don't make any decisions based on what your boyfriend wants; focus inwardly. And if you find yourself thinking in circles on the issues, perhaps seek out a private conversation with a therapist or religious confidant to help you stop the spinning.