Jonathan Crane (masteroffear) wrote in voicesinmyhead, @ 2007-07-11 21:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | jonathan crane, prompt #05 |
Prompt #5 - What is your greatest fear? [Open]
My greatest fear?
Well, how about you tell me yours first and then perhaps I'll tell you. You see, my specialty is in finding out the fears of others and one rule that I have is that I never tell others mine because they might use it against me much like I might use it against them. Call me paranoid, but that's how I am.
Why do I like knowing the fears of others? Well, when I was in high school, there were bullies who preyed upon my own fears and I learned the power of fear from that and other incidents. And I quite like having that power over other people. The feeling you get when you have someone screaming their head off when they hallucinate their greatest fear is exhilarating and I don't ever want someone getting that from me.
So, I'm not going to share my greatest fear out in the open.
[Private]
My fear is...I suppose it's being inadequate that is my greatest fear. Years of being the unpopular target of school bullies and my nagging grandmother whom I could never please drove me to focus most of my life on my studies. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I keep running from my past and such.
My grandmother was a bit of a miser and was very stingy with her money—always giving me the impression that we didn't have much money at all when we always had plenty. But this affected me as a child growing up and I became afraid of spending money or not having enough as I became older. I feared never being what I hoped I lived up to be and I suppose I failed myself and so live in my own horror movie, but I think I'll be the monster instead of the hero.
I do live in fear of many things...I am quite paranoid, but I do push it down. Sometimes I even cover it up with insanity though I switch between being sane and insane and it's own when I'm about to breakdown to my own fears that I lose it or when I feel the power rush that comes from someone else screaming.