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inmyownworld ([info]inmyownworld) wrote in [info]vas_captio_rpg,
@ 2009-05-17 15:39:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Current music:Bright Eyes- "The First Day of My Life"
Entry tags:!complete, day 08, l lawliet, laura moon, location: pharmacy/liquor store

This is the First Day of My Life. Swear I was Born Right In the Doorway. (Complete)
Who: L and Laura
What: There's got to be a "morning after." *is shot ded*
Where: The drugstore
When: Day 8, Early Morning
Rating: Probably PG-13 for mentions of *cough* past events
Status: Complete



Morning used to mean little to L. There had been no real distinction between night and day in his world, with only a stark white computer screen replacing his Sun and moon. However, this morning, L found himself not only awakening to a new day, but feeling enthused and refreshed. Not only that, Laura was still in his arms when he opened his eyes. He was disheveled, sore, and he felt like he could use a shower, but when it came right down to it, he was extremely happy.

They had risen, acted normally while biting back smiles and sideways glances, and checked their journals independently. However, it hadn't been long before he'd started writing on her pages, and then they'd felt foolish for writing to each other when they both possessed working voices and were only across the room from each other. "I'm sorry. You're right, of course, we should really be talking," L said, with a content sigh.


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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-17 02:56 pm UTC (link)
"We should be, but I didn't expect us to be. It's always awkward the first time, and probably the first few times. I'm surprised you even want to talk to me. Then again, yours is only the second V-card that I have in my pocket, and the first one reacted really poorly. So, hello, and I'm glad that we're talking. Good morning."

She turned to face him, dressed only in her bra and a pair of jeans. Closing her journal, she tossed it to the side and stood up. Laura rose to her feet, almost gliding over the floorboards, before she seated herself beside him. Leaning in, she kissed his cheek softly, almost timidly. Part of her was certain that the previous day and night had been a dream.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. It was very seldom that she had to deal with the morning after. She'd been married, after all, for a while, and she'd only had one awkward morning after with Robbie.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-17 03:37 pm UTC (link)
"Good morning," L responded, glancing up and smiling brightly at Laura. Everything felt easier today. Smiling, breathing, stretching... it took him a moment to wrap his mind around the meaning behind "V-card", but he realized after giving it some thought that it probably referred to his virginity. "How could anyone react poorly?" he asked, tilting his head and chewing his fingertip. For the life of him, he couldn't imagine that sort of behavior from anyone who'd had the opportunity to embrace Laura.

"I'm a little sore... but I feel wonderful," L replied, reaching out and gathering Laura into his arms. "I am still astounded that last night happened, but I am glad that it did. I want there to be more nights like it. I..." he paused, thinking that it would sound overly emotional to say that he would stay forever.

"I don't want to leave."

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-17 05:06 pm UTC (link)
"Well, it is a little awkward to face the first person you slept with. It's a very powerful memory for many people. I know that if I ever saw the first person I slept with I would smash his face in. The guy was a total creep, and he never spoke to me again after it happened. He saw me at the mall a few times and didn't even make eye contact. It was like he looked right through me." She lifted a hand, touching at her scar faintly. "I don't think that I realized how much that upset me while I was alive. That memory was just there, sitting there, waiting for me to pull it back up. It's amazing, in reflection, what things are so powerfully influential."

"Regardless, I'm glad that we're speaking. I would hate for us to have any awkward feelings between us. Thus, I'm really happy that all you're feeling as far as negatives go is tired. And I'm excited that you feel wonderful." She curled into his arms and shifted, inching into his lap. She rested her head against his shoulder, hugging her knees to her chest, and she forced out a sigh.

"What do you mean that you don't want to leave? I don't want to leave, either, but you need to eat. In order for you to eat, I need to go find you food."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-17 06:28 pm UTC (link)
L tilted his head. "Really? I mean... it is most certainly a powerful memory... but I don't feel awkward. Even... not as awkward as I usually do. You have that effect on me." he shrugged, having voiced his thoughts as well as he could. His expression darkened slightly when she mentioned the first person she'd ever slept with. L assumed that it had been in high school... he wondered if it bothered Laura that he seldom made eye contact with her. "I am sorry that your first experience was so negative... thank you for ensuring that mine was not," he said, nibbling his thumb.

"I could go find food, as well," L said, biting back a smile. "I am, contrary to popular opinion, not as helpless as I seem. I actually rather like doing things for myself. I could come with you..." he suggested, kissing her neck and running a hand along her shin.

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-17 07:36 pm UTC (link)
She noticed the darkening of his eyes and the intensity of his expression, and she pressed her face into the side of his neck. It was the first time that Laura had ever noticed him getting jealous; maybe it was because it was the first time that she allowed herself to notice him getting jealous. "Hey," she said softly. Her fingers lightly stroked at the back of his hand. "Don't worry about it. That was a long, long time ago. It doesn't matter now. And you don't have to be sorry. It is what it is. That was, quite literally, a lifetime ago. I was young, I was foolish, and I was looking to lose it. What else could I have expected?"

Laura didn't know the reasons that she didn't want L to go with her. In one respect, it would be nice. She'd have company, and she'd have someone to talk to. It would be nice to walk together in the melting snow (about which she was not really thrilled). Still, she felt that he should stay. She supposed it was because she wanted to be the one to take care of him, to provide for him. It was a different sort of relationship. In a normal world, she would let him be the breadwinner. It sounded like he could have whatever he wanted. Here, though, survival reigned, and she knew how to survive, even past death.

"It's okay," she said, tilting her head to the side. Her back arched slightly when he kissed her cold skin. He still felt incredibly warm to her. "I'll only be a short time, hm? And there might be a chance that I'll run into Jay or that Bob character. We wouldn't want it to boil down to full blown war, would we? I don't think today is a day for fighting."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-17 08:07 pm UTC (link)
In truth, L was jealous, though his reaction was not comprised entirely of that emotion. He was also negatively affected by the fact that someone... anyone... could just do that to Laura, fuck her and forget her like she was no one. Hearing about Shadow was one thing... Shadow had loved her, Shadow had married her... but someone who just left that way... he had been young and foolish once, and he still was in many ways, but such a thing would never have occurred to him. His version of extreme behavior was more like calling Cuba to complain personally about the internet connection in the hotels.

In a normal sort of world, at least as normal as L's world ever got, he most certainly would have been the breadwinner. He was talented enough so that making money and having a high-powered career was possible for him, and he was respected enough for his achievements that he didn't have to alter his personality, habits, or clothing to be accepted as an authority. However, it was true that this world was different. It wasn't one where a pale, wiry savant with limited social skills and fewer survival skills. As had been demonstrated with the firecracker incident, he could always find the most effective way to do almost anything... but it wasn't always the best way.

His disappointment at being discouraged from going clashed with his happiness at seeing Laura's reaction to his kiss. Like most geniuses, he liked it when he acquired new skills and excelled at them. "I suppose your right... stupid Bob..."


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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-17 08:36 pm UTC (link)
"Don't worry," she murmured, placing soft kisses along his jaw line. Laura was enjoying this newly found sense of intimacy. It was far different than it ever had been with Robbie; this was more like her days with Shadow. In fact, it was almost more intimate than that. "I promise I won't be that long. And I'm not leaving just yet. I can't seem to tear myself away."

"You're so warm," she commented, sliding her hands under his shirt, resting them against his stomach. "I'm always cold. But it's not really cold, not in the sense that you know. It's a cold that's much more sinister. It's more like...emptiness than it is like coldness. And I'm afraid of it. That is only one reason that I like touching your skin so much. It helps to keep that feeling far from me. I don't want to think about the void, that awful place that's far away, that exists everywhere and nowhere." She paused, trying to search the swirling mass of memories in the universe for an accurate description that he might understand. "Do you know anything about entropy?"

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-17 09:27 pm UTC (link)
The "computer detective" had not been famed for his warmth, but he was growing to rather like that Laura considered it a quality of his. It always disquieted him a bit to hear about the particular brand of coldness that Laura had to experience, though. Somehow, it was something that he tried to keep at a distance without trying to forget it completely. Just as he didn't consider himself a necrophiliac, he didn't really consider Laura a corpse. She was a woman who happened to be a little distant and cool to the touch, but existing in the hollow, dark void of death was not how L thought of her.

"I know a bit about entropy," he said quietly, having a slight feeling that he knew where Laura was going with this. "The concept that, in a closed system, matter tends toward disorder more often then not..."

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-17 10:29 pm UTC (link)
"That is what it feels like, a state of nothingness, of blackness, of chaos, where absolutely nothing will stay together. It's a terrible sensation, and it always sits right here." She took his hand, placing it against the middle of her body, just below her chest but above her stomach. She shook her head. "I don't like it, L." It was still difficult for her to not call him Ryuzaki. "I don't..."

Could she say it? Could she share the words with him that she had once shared with Shadow? And then she realized that she could. She could share anything with him, for he was her boy, and she was his guardian. It was a strange relationship. She would protect him from anything, be it Bob or Jay or Light or anything worse than the three combined. They would have to answer to the full wrath of Laura Moon, which was mighty, indeed.

"I don't want to be dead, L," she said, her voice dark and deep and soft. "I don't like it, and I don't want it. I never asked for this, nor do I believe that my death was random. I was a victim of fate, of unfortunate events set up by the gods very much like the tragedies of Gods. I am Medea, I am Phedra, I am Electra; my path was not my own to walk. I was a helpless bystander in the great story of Shadow Moon. I loved him, yes, but I cannot help but partially blame him. He is both the best friend that I ever had as well as one of my worst enemies. I don't want to be dead anymore, L, I want to be alive again." She looked sadly up at him. "And I do not think that there is anything that I wouldn't do to be alive again. My reasons for wanting it now are wholly different than they were before, but they are still there. I want to feel again like a human being; I want to be human, not just pass for human."

"Promise me that if you will always keep your eyes and ears open for a way for me to become human again? I promise that if I were, nothing would change between us from my side. Though you would probably not have much use for me were I to become human once more. It's my speed and my strength that give me anything to offer you."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-18 12:57 am UTC (link)
L stared at the hand resting against the bottom of Laura's rib cage, trying to imagine the sensation she so vividly described. The cold he could picture... and the closest to "emptiness" he knew was hunger. It was a natural feeling for L to understand, since he felt it often and urgently. He had always intended to learn how to cook, but his blood sugar plummeted so rapidly that such ventures often found him sitting on the floor, with the ingredients untouched on the counter, and him too tired and light-headed to even finish preparing the very meal that would have restored him. It was a terrible feeling, to stare up at things that could easily eliminate that feeling of emptiness if he could just get past the stagnant apathy that prevented him from standing and actually finishing preparing his meal. "I think I understand," he said quietly, feeling that he actually might.

L couldn't say that Laura's words truly surprised him. They did exist, L knew, but it wasn't easy to find people who wanted to be dead. He listened as she expressed her desire, and unconsciously, his hand slid further down to rest at her belly. It was the place that Shadow's children would have grown, had Laura lived to be a mother. "I promise," he said, without hesitation, looking very, very deep in thought. "If it is something you will let me promise, then... with all my resolution and to the extent of my ability, I promise that I will try to find a way for that to happen. It would be wonderful... for both of us... if you could be alive. I will do my best, Laura."

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-21 01:15 am UTC (link)
It did not bother Laura that she no longer knew the gnawing sensation of hunger. She experienced it in abstract ways, primarily through the insects that had gotten into her body and in the faces of people that she saw who did not see her. When a candy bar looked good, as it had to Shadow and often did to L, she realized that a human being was experiencing hunger. For the life of her, though, she could not even begin to pretend that she could recall what it had been like. That affirmed for Laura that she had had a fairly decent life; she had never known hunger so strong that it could echo to her through the haze of death.

It did bother her, though, to think about the idea of her knowing hunger once more. That would mean one of two things, both of which were equally disturbing. The first was the idea that she had returned to life. There would be so many questions! How? Why? What now? The second was the thought that she had, finally, become a zombie, and she knew that if it were the case she would not have the thought at all; it simply would be, for zombies were unthinking. One option was a dream, and the other was a nightmare. She was content not to know either.

"You don't have to promise," she started, once she had realized what she'd said. By then, though, he already had. Knowing him, she simply nodded. "Well...you promise, then. Your promise to me. If it is ever possible, we will make me alive once more. An impossible dream, but a wonderful one nonetheless." She fell silent, looking at the back of his hand. Lately she found herself fixating on strange parts of him.

"If I were alive again," she asked, "what would we do? What things would we do if I were alive? Do you have any dreams for such a scenario? I do not know if I do. Perhaps I could if prompted. I know I only want to be alive so that I am not dead anymore. Why would it be so wonderful?"

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-21 02:23 am UTC (link)
"I already have promised," L said, resolution apparent in his voice. He set his jaw (feminine, delicate), the gesture giving him a rather determined countenance. "Why are people given genius if they're unable to do anything with it that's of any use? If this would be what it takes, to make you happy and to put us on equal ground, so that one of us doesn't have to leave the other in an uncertain world someday, I'll gladly find a way." In L's mind, there was no question now that he would find a way. He just had to figure it out.

He paused, genuinely unsure how to answer Laura's question. It seemed to bother him. At the very least, he seemed worried that it would bother Laura. He chewed his fingertip compulsively, turning away and staring at the floor for a moment.

"For a time... I was convinced that I was incapable of making love to a woman. The idea frightened me... the intimacy, the touching, knowing that I'd be essentially inside someone else, becoming part of something more complete... it seemed like the pressure, vulnerability, and exposure would be too much for me to take. But after last night... all of that happened, but it wasn't negative. Far from it. It made me think and dream, and I guess that... well. If you were alive, there could be even more." he left it at that, knowing full well that it might be presumptuous to mention that kind of future after their first time sleeping together.

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-21 02:51 pm UTC (link)
"I don't think it's possible, finding a way. I don't think that the dead can be alive again. Then again, in my world view, I couldn't exist, either. I didn't think that gods existed. I didn't think that people could die for lofty ideals in a country such as America. There goes all of that out the window. Maybe I should be more open minded. But I have asked you for the impossible. I have asked, for the second time since dying, the unreasonable of someone that I love."

What L needed to realize was that there was very little, anymore, that truly bothered Laura. She didn't worry the way normal people did. Physical safety was her main concern. She no longer cared what people thought about her, or what happened to her in the long term. More, she cared about him and what would happen to him in the long term. She wanted to know what hopes, dreams, aspirations kept him going in this place, the place that was, seemingly, unfit for human inhabitance. The last thing she wanted was for him to give up one day.

"Yeah, well, sex is intimate. I suppose that's the nature of the beast." She fell silent. She didn't have much more to say about it. So he wanted her to be more alive so their making love wasn't quite so awkward. She could understand that. No one wanted, consciously, to cuddle with a corpse. How had she been so foolish as to not notice it the night before? She felt foolish, mean, inconsiderate.

"I can be more life-like," she offered, looking at her own section of floor. "I mean, it is a good enough cause. I have...ways of being less dead. I can't be alive again the way that you want, but I can force myself to breathe once more, to be less cold, to bleed if it is necessary. If I drink it, I'll be that way for at least one whole day. I know it isn't the same, it isn't what you want, for me to be alive, but if it would help you at all...I can at least be freshly dead or dying instead of fully dead and decaying."

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-21 03:02 pm UTC (link)
L watched her, his lips parting slightly, his hand reaching to scratch behind his head. The affected little gesture was, unlike him, very Japanese, but it suited him so well that it had adopted him the first time he had seen someone else do it.

"I apologize," he said earnestly. "No, that's... not what I meant, at all." He thought of the T.S. Eliot poem, the regretful and hollow tone, and tried to eradicate that from his own voice. "Sex is intimate. I liked engaging in it, with you... there is nothing that could have changed that for the better, except maybe my own inexperience, and that will go away with time, I'm sure. You don't have to breathe, or bleed, for me to find you attractive." as terrible as that sounded. "I was referring to something else entirely... I mean... did you ever think of having children?"

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-30 01:48 am UTC (link)
Laura was not smart enough to know T.S. Eliot. She had never bothered much with paying attention in school, and though she had been motivated to learn later in life, teaching oneself was exceedingly difficult when you didn't know very much to begin with. Had she known him, though, she probably would have been startled to realize that, most of the time, her own voice sounded very much like one of his works.

When he identified that she had misinterpreted his words, though, she did feel a little awkward. How foolish was she to think that she understood what he wanted? And why was she assuming, already, that he wanted her to change? That had been an unreasonable jump. This was not her clear, cold, logical wisdom that she was used to.

And then he dropped the child card.

Laura looked down at the floor. Her mind was flashing with memories, and her brows visibly furrowed. By the time she looked back at him, though, her face was a blank canvas once more, pale and porcelain in the light of morning.

"Yes, I thought of it. I always assumed that there was time, years and years of time. That's just how human beings think. You don't often stop to think about your tomorrow never coming. But even if I were able to live again, having children..." her voice trailed off as she sank into thought, trying to choose her words carefully. "It is no longer a viable option. As you may or may not realize, my body underwent an entire autopsy. All of my organs were removed for examination. They were replaced, but most of them were not reconnected or any such thing. The vital ones might be in the right place, but not something as non-essential as ovaries and a uterus. Thus...I have no reproductive capabilities any more. Unless there were some way to fix that in the process of reviving me, I would be barren."

She stayed in his grasp for a few more moments, but she rose to her feet. She began putting her shoes on and adjusting her clothes, obviously getting ready to depart. "I need to go find you some more food. I don't want to get snowed in again so unprepared. I don't like feeling as if I failed you in my promise." It was cold, flat, factual.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-30 10:42 am UTC (link)
There will be time. Reminders of T.S. Eliot everywhere. Maybe, L thought, he would show Laura that poem if she'd never read it. He thought that she might adore it, but only when she was in a better frame of mind. Eliot increased thoughtfulness in a healthy mind, and doubled or tripled depression in a troubled one. And Laura did seem troubled, now that he had brought up something that clearly counted as dark waters.

"That is how humans think... but I owe you an apology, because just now, I didn't think. It was a very stupid thing for me to say..." he bit his lip, holding himself by the elbows as if cold. "Having children has never meant as much to me... it's always been something I'm separate from, but... with the right person, I guess that it could mean something. That's why I mentioned it... sorry." Of course, this was a loaded statement in itself. It implied that L had told Laura because he considered her "the right person." No pressure, of course.

"Just please promise you'll come back..." L murmured, as she started to leave. "I say stupid things, but if something happened and I never saw you again, I couldn't live with myself."

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[info]spitandviolets
2009-05-31 01:39 am UTC (link)
"If my memories are my own, and not someone else's, having children meant a great deal to me while I was alive. No one ever loved me for most of my entire life. My father did, but he died of a heart attack on the toilet when I was thirteen. My mother, maybe she loved me, but I don't think that she really liked me, if that makes any sense at all. And my sister was always the perfect one. She had the husband, the children, the white, middle class suburbs in Texas. She didn't really have time for me. She never made room in her life for me. And other than Robbie and Audrey, that was my world, the long and the short of it."

"I always thought that if I had a child I would have something, someone, who loved me unconditionally, the way that I loved my father. I thought Shadow loved me that way, but it's very difficult to be someone's husband or lover or what have you. There are so many things...so many things floating in the gap, in the space between the words that are left unsaid, and sometimes you just can't get past all of them. I learned that Shadow didn't love me unconditionally. He just loved me. Unconditional love is too much to ask of anyone who isn't from your own flesh. But children? That's completely different. You're their whole world. You're everything. No matter what you do to them, somewhere inside, they'll never hate you and they'll never forget you."

Shaking her head, she reached up, rubbing her cheek. "I don't think all of those are mine. And it doesn't matter now. They're memories from another time. They may as well be from over a thousand years ago. I'm sure that I bored you." The implication in his statement had not gone unnoticed. She was not sure what she was experiencing in the pit of her stomach. Part of her wondered if it was worms or something equally disgusting. "I should have stored my eggs or had children younger. It's not like I was doing a whole lot with my life. I should have gotten pregnant before Shadow went to prison. It doesn't matter now." Giving him a faint smile, she smoothed out her hair nervously, twisting a few strands around her fingers. "I must not be the right person. The right one would still have the capacity to give life. I suppose this proves, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am dead, truly."

Making her way to him, she leaned down and touched his cheek. "I will come back. I will not return, however, until my mission is complete. I need to find you food. As soon as I procure some, it will be as if I never left. Nothing will happen. You will see me again. This place is rough, but it isn't full of vindictive gods who have been in America too long or new gods with an axe to grind. I watched my husband hang on a tree and die. I can take a lot. I will come back to you." She turned for the door once more, still dazed from their conversation. It was like she was moving in slow motion.

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[info]inmyownworld
2009-05-31 11:25 pm UTC (link)
L listened, feeling slightly dazed, as Laura tried to measure and rationalize something that a living woman probably would have thrown something at him for. He listened intently to her words, hearing from the other gender and the other side of life and death what it meant to be a parent. He tried to think of his own mother, tried to see her as loving him unconditionally, tried to remember if he had loved her unconditionally, but when he attempted to see that far back into a life that had faded and given way to a new one, everything only blurred and blended uneasily.

"You never bore me. But I'm sorry for bringing that up... I find you attractive and interesting no matter what," he was quick to assure her. He thought about telling her that he couldn't love his mother, but it was achingly true that he would never forget her, and he couldn't admit that to himself, much less his lover.

"OK. I'll see you later, then... please be careful," L murmured, as Laura left.

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