bucky barnes-ulric (whatthebucky) wrote in valloic, @ 2021-01-25 14:28:00 |
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At the beginning of the year, they had started off as almost strangers, only brought together because of their connections to Steve Rogers. But now, they were so much more, family in all ways that mattered. It has been a blessing for Bucky to get his memories of Blackpoint back, to allow him to remember all the things that James had known about them all along. But it hasn't meant that magically all the awkwardness of having been around each other for nearly a year without really talking, while James had mourned a relationship lost while Bucky had been oblivious, was gone. They still had a long way to go before it was all smoothed over and the weirdness was gone. But they were on the right track and were actively working on it, which was what really mattered. It was why Bucky thought it was important that he spoke to James about his upcoming proposal to Nyx, that he made sure it was okay with him before he did it. Not to get permission, exactly, but to give James peace of mind that even though he wasn't with Steve, it didn't mean Bucky didn't think of him as any less his kid. Bucky had texted James earlier to see if he wanted to grab lunch with him that day. Waiting at their designated lunch spot, Bucky was there a whole fifteen minutes early due to nerves. He was already on his second iced tea, when James appeared. "Hey, kid," Bucky said, smiling as the young man approached. God, where had the time gone? It was hard to believe James was an adult already. The smile Bucky received from James in return was open, warm, and more than a touch cocky, which was a truly genuine James Rogers smile that was reserved for those he was closest to and cared about the most. That number of people had increased repeatedly in recent times and it would have been nice, in a fairy tale sort of way, for James to be able to say that having so many people in his life now was something that erased the memories of when he'd had so few, or no one at all. The reality of a multidimensional history was harsh, though, in how deeply not-forgotten those worst memories were, but that reality was also what lent purpose to so much - even just lunch. Every memory mattered. More important to James than genuine in smiles directed back his way was recognition when it came to those he'd loved in Blackpoint and then lost. It didn't get old, having people that were part of his family look at him and know him after so many damn losses and relocations, and there was no denying that the impact of that was felt the most when it came to Bucky. It had been devastating to exist in the same place as a Bucky who didn't share any of their history, but it had been initially devastating in a different way to have that man suddenly have memories of most of that history. Maybe the stupid kid of fifteen would have embraced it without hesitation, but the adult 'kid' had struggled in a way that was more existential than anything else. Unsurprisingly to anyone who knew James, in the end it was emotion that had won out over existential crises. It just hadn't been a quick win, or a clean one. To be fair, it never had been a quick and clean win for him and Bucky when it came to memories, as that went back as far as the first time the portal shoved years of James' own life into place, temporarily screwed everything up, and then taken work to overcome it. James wasn't sure if there was a higher lesson or message in their repeated challenges, or they were just cosmically marked for things to screw with them over and over, but what he did know was that he and Bucky had a bond that was a hell of a lot stronger than "normal" for all the times it had been tested to the bend-or-break point by distance, people, memories, and disasters. After all, it continued to survive whatever James threw at it. "Hey. You order already?" he asked, rounding the table to treat Bucky to a headlock-hug hybrid greeting. It was definitely more entertaining to James as the years wore on and he had more sheer bulk to throw into the mild horseplay. Mild, of course, because no one wanted to put a broken chair on the lunch bill. Automatically, Bucky's arms came up to both return the hybrid hug with a quick squeeze around James' middle and to push the kid away as he messed up the all important hair. By the time James was done with him, his ponytail was a mess, so he just pulled the band that had been holding it out of his face out and tucked the strands back behind his ears. His left arm was still giving him problems, so he didn't bother to try and put it back up, having originally been helped into the hairstyle by Nyx that morning. "Hadn't ordered food yet, wanted to wait for you," he responded with a grin, as James settled in across from him. He chose to ignore any looks their scuffle-hug had gotten them, know the place was lucky they hadn't actually started to wrestle. Bucky left the menu in front of him untouched, having been to this particular establishment enough times before to know what he was getting. The nerves of earlier returned, though muted because the hug had proven that they were well on their way to reclaim the bond they had before all the lost memories and multiverse traveling. The little reminder was enough to settle him, to let him know that while things were never going to be the same as they had been in Blackpoint, they were still going to be family. It made it easier for him to say, "I actually wanted to have lunch with you because I wanted to talk to you about something important. About me and Nyx." He had never really spoken to James before about his relationships post-Steve. However, it was obvious to anyone with eyes that his relationship with Nyx was something important, something more than the hookups and flirtations back in Tumbleweed that he had used to try to move past the pain of losing what he had thought was the love of his life. Steve would always be his first great love, a love they had fought for and almost lost a few times. But it was clear to Bucky now that Steve hadn't been his only love, that he was actually capable of finding something equally great in someone else if he let himself. And he was finally letting himself, no longer allowing himself to feel guilty about moving on. His Steve wouldn't have wanted that, Bucky knew that much. So he never really had spoken to James about Nyx, because when he had started to date the man, he hadn't had the memories to know that James should have been told. But they were here now and before Bucky made another big step, he wanted James to be included in that because while he was no longer together with Steve, James was still a kid and deserved to know about this beforehand. "I want to ask Nyx to marry me." For a moment, maybe a few beats of his heart at most, James stilled. In truth, it wasn't a shocking revelation of any kind, because he hadn't ever needed Nyx explained to him. After all, at first, he and Nyx had been in the exact same Vallo boat, both in that early time before there were a lot of arrivals, and with Bucky specifically in the beginning, though of course Nyx had handled it about 99% better than James. No memories of Tumbleweed for Bucky meant no memories of either him or Nyx there, and James may not have known the content of those lost memories where Nyx was concerned, but James knew that loss - and he also wasn't stupid. Then, later, it was as simple as this - James knew Bucky. Bucky might not have known him, but there were many things about Bucky that James knew that were observable even without a personal connection. Once Blackpoint memories were added in, James knew him even better. So, even if it hadn't been clear to anyone with eyes, it would have been clear to James. And there was nothing wrong with any of it. James himself had lost Steve, the first Steve Rogers to be a Steve Rogers Dad to a kid who couldn't remember his birth parents, years ago at this point. That loss hadn't started in Tumbleweed, it had started in the second iteration of Blackpoint where it had been Dad-but-not-Dad in being a Blackpoint Steve with Blackpoint James memories, until that Steve and multiple Buckys had ended up with memories to match James' memories. That was the day James realized he had lost his Dad, because what was the point of handing over memories to an alternate version if the man who had actually created those memories would still show up? And he'd lived with it in the second Blackpoint, because that Steve had been a kicked puppy over the conflict, but that hadn't changed that there was loss to grieve. Tumbleweed had just been a reinforcement of that loss, even though James had regained his Bucky in the process. James had been yanked away from Tumbleweed after they had gone through the process of packing up Steve Rogers' things, so James had been there for the earlier stages of that grief process for Bucky, even if James hadn't handled it the best internally (story of his life), and those actions hadn't made Bucky any less 'Mom' for needing to happen. He didn't need to have been there to see overt Other Signs of Bucky having moved on to know that Bucky had moved on. That had been the point, it's what Dad would have wanted for Bucky, and James couldn't have hated Bucky for it if he'd tried. James thought he knew why Bucky was looking at him the way he was, though - because Bucky had been there for so many of the versions of Natalias and Natashas who weren't with Steve, for comics Steve, for young James' struggles with being a self-described aberration among timelines, for later versions of Steves and Natashas in Tumbleweed who also weren't together, for so many things that had been an upheaval to the ideas of consistency and even existence. And Bucky knew that he had been there through it as part of a parental unit, Steve and Bucky, that hadn't been swapped out in the four and some years before a second Blackpoint portal took James (even though Bucky had been from earlier in the Blackpoint timeline). No matter how old James got, he knew that in true 'Mom' fashion, Bucky would always see in James the scars of that teenager who had needed to believe that Steve and Bucky were the ones who would always be there in a world that changed on a portal's whim, and the scars of the adult who had, when he first arrived in Vallo, finally lost it all. This man in front of him knew all that and more, no matter how that knowledge had come to pass, and so James could pretty confidently guess that the look in Bucky's eyes was nervousness that James was going to reject this as a final straw, that James was going to reject him. Or maybe James was just projecting his own insecurities about fitting in to Bucky's life here. Either way, the response was pretty easy, and it came after that brief outward stillness and the hundred things that had run through James' head for that brief time. "Mom," he said, leaning forward to prop his forearms on the table, "is it bad luck to say congratulations before you do it?" That brief moment of stillness lasted forever and an half for Bucky. He was convinced that this would be it, that James could no longer handle all the changes their lives brought. But he should have known better, should have trusted that James had grown and was as thoughtful as others’ feelings as he was of his own. The relief that he felt at the question James had asked in return was enough to visibly show in the way his shoulders lost tension. “I’m definitely not complaining about the confidence you’re showing in me,” Bucky said, a relieved smile on his face as he stood up and grabbed one of James’ arms. “Come here and give me a hug, you have no idea how worried I was about this.” Truth be told, he was more afraid of what James would have to say to this than Nyx would because he was almost positive he knew what Nyx would say when he asked The Question. Unfolding himself from the chair as easily as he had settled into it, James shot Bucky a quirky grin and then embraced the other man. Fortunately, they could both more than handle the kind of crushing hug the average person might immediately cry for mercy at receiving, so James didn't hold back. Sure, it was absolutely meant to reassure Bucky before more words were employed to do so, and in a way that spoke better than those words could, but James would have fessed up to it being as much for himself. Repeatedly relocated though they had both been, both physically and memory-mentally speaking, it was undeniable that Bucky was still and always would be a living touchstone for James. How could he do anything less than try to give that back to Bucky? If people sent curious glances or nosy stares their way, James honestly didn't care. The only thing that mattered right now was this. "Even if there was another country here to head to, I wouldn't have pulled that again," he joked, muffled as it was against Bucky's shoulder, to ease the weight of how heavy this kind of mindset could be, this fear of rejection or loss. "And Tor's not a fan of me trashing our room to hide in the mess." That there had been concerns, even though James had guessed there were, only opened the door wider on something James had been bidding his time on bringing up eventually. It wasn't topic for topic but it was all related to this idea of losing ground gained, and worse, thanks to a history with times of uneven footing. He might as well bring it up now, rather than prodding Bucky on it later as he'd already planned, and avoid his kind of luck at bringing it up at a bad time - like the day Bucky was proposing or something. "If you were that worried," he pulled back to look at Bucky face to face, "about my reaction, do I need to do some multiplying parents damage control too while I'm at it?" He studied Bucky, but not out of any sort judgement - only concern. It wouldn't be the first time one of his parental figures had felt, reasonably or otherwise, like dramatic and bad changes would come with new arrivals or new parental relationships or change, period. But he did expect Bucky to be more honest about it than their Steve had once been, and not because Bucky knew James wasn't stupid, but because they'd had to do the work for their parent-kid relationship the hard way. Steve might have been the first to teach James that talking about his feelings was more than just okay, it was necessary, but by far, it was in his relationship with Bucky that had reaped the most benefits of that emotional growth (even when hit by its growing pains). The other man wouldn't buy an "I'm fine" from James when James wasn't fine anymore than James would buy it from Bucky if he wasn't fine. Even more importantly, James was willing to wait him out if that's what it took. Bucky grew a bit embarrassed by James hitting on the exact insecurity he had been feeling since Natasha and Steve had arrived. It was that Bucky was making an effort to have a problem where there was none, but whenever James got another version of his parents, especially ones that actually wanted to build a relationship with him, Bucky always feared losing what he had with his kid. It wasn't at all about not wanting James to have a good relationship with them. On the contrary, he wanted the best for his kid. But the fear that they would somehow fill the gap that Bucky's relationship with James filled...well, there was a reason it was called an irrational fear. Sitting down again, he ran his hand through his hair and signed. "Don't get me wrong, you know I'm glad whenever you get a little bit of your family back, no matter what form it takes...but I can't help but feel like whatever we have might lose a little footing because of it. I fully recognize that this is my brain being dumb and not actually anything you or I have done, so there's nothing you gotta do. I just gotta work on being more confident in our family, more confident in who I am to you." Bucky might have declared his brain was being dumb because of that, but if that was actually the case, then they were both plagued by a wicked case of dumb, because James knew how that felt. No, not losing a kid because of parents, of course, but the feeling of losing a parent because of some much personal crap, including the appearance of other loved ones, came pretty close, he figured. But at least this one was something James knew how to handle, and thanks to dealing with various levels of it with various people - Bucky in the past included - and growing up himself at the same time, James felt like it was something he could handle pretty well now. It was nice to have something he felt like he could, if not fix, then at least help minimize over time. All it took was being in the same boat, so to speak, and making sure the other person knew you were there. "Would it help," he asked, leaning back in the seat he'd retaken, "if I told you I've been jealous of Tiny and Thalia both since they got here?" The names when uttered were both laced with extremely obvious affection (he wouldn't ever have referred to Tina as 'Tiny' without a whole lot of love backing it, even the times when he huffed it at her in frustration) and no trace of any kind of resentment for his found-family-trees-don't-always-make-sen He ran his hand through his hair, pushing back the floppy weight of it. "And yeah, I know that's not really how it is, that's just how it feels sometimes, just like you know I'd never let go of you or let anything get in the way as long as I have you, that's just how it feels because a Natasha or Steve don't suck, or because Dad - Tony - is here, or because my dad," he closed his eyes briefly against the white-hot stab of pain, but pressed on, because saying this was more important, "and my mom were or are in Blackpoint. So yeah, if some part of your brain is dumb, than so is mine. We can just be insecure and dumb together, right?" Bucky frowned, trying to figure out how to word it in a way that wouldn’t invalidate what James was feeling, but also to let him know that there was no real reason for James to feel any…less than Tina and Thalia. Because he loved them all, in different, but equal ways. There would be no choosing one over another. In the end, he couldn’t figure out the words. “How about we work on being less insecure and dumb because who has the time for that? I love you, you love me, we’re going to be family no matter what, yeah?” Unable to help himself, James snickered at the idea of somehow becoming less of those things even with work, but sobered slightly as Bucky continued, because that sentiment wasn't at all snicker-worthy. It was a thing of emotional highs, in having that love reinforced despite it not needing a reminder, as well as deep lingering fears, because everything could change in a moment. Yes, they would always be family, as long as at least one of them remembered it and kept that history alive, but that wasn't guaranteed. "Yeah, we can try that," he said, shaking his head with a soft smile. "We could probably succeed for as long as we're in Vallo. I can't promise it won't be a mess if we have to do this again in the next place, but," he leaned in on the table again, "we're here, now, so that's what matters." He grinned. "I mean, that matters, but proposals too. How are you gonna do it?" Hopefully they would be in Vallo for a long time. Bucky was, understating it a little, tired of shifting universes so regularly. He felt bad for the kids that had to keep letting go of friends and loved ones over and over again. Maybe Vallo would be better to them. “That...I haven’t really figured out? I figured I’d wing it?” He honestly hadn’t really thought that far ahead, just that he knew he had a ring ready and that he wanted to do this soon. Other than that, it was a bit unclear on how he would approach the whole thing. “I’m not exactly the best at planning big romantic gestures.” Let's be honest, neither was James, so it wasn't like he was in a position to offer advice or feedback when it came to grand romantic gestures like confessions of love, proposals, and the rest. Nor did he know Nyx well enough, in that respect, to have an educated opinion. Bucky and Nyx had gotten this far just being them, so of course they should keep on doing that. James laughed, then . "Winging it works. It's pretty much what Jameses do best." |