Musical Plot: Group Help Tango WHO: Astarion + NPC Vampires I Made Up WHAT: Astarion attends group therapy. It gets real musical. WHERE: IDK some side-room at the DOA repurposed for group therapy. Anyone can have witnessed this tomfoolery if they wish! SONG CHOICE: A bastardized Cell Block Tango from Chicago. NOTES: Canon-typical violence, references to past abuse
It's night. Downtown Vallo has a biweekly meeting for vampires from all media to come to terms with their lives, deaths, and whatever is in between. ASTARION is seated center-stage, nursing a wine glass filled with red liquid, looking mutinous about being here. THREE VAMPIRES are on his right, TWO on his left. A GROUP MODERATOR is writing on a blackboard: "A Second Chance at Unlife". It's apparently sharing hour. EVERYONE is inexplicably wearing fishnets. EVERYONE. Drums start up in the background, cueing up a song and dance number... it sounds a little like Cell Block Tango.
GROUP MODERATOR: Okay, so today's topic is... resentment. All those times that resentment bubbled up, and the need to answer it with violence took over. As vampires, we have a unique relationship with violence... and a unique responsibility to-- (noticing the drum beat at last) Uh-- do you--- what is that noise?
GROUP MODERATER: (announcer's voice) And now, the six voluptuous vampires of the Vallo Vampiric Association in their rendition of... the Group Help Tango!
Those drums are really kicking up now. A tension fills the air.
VAMPIRE #1 takes center stage with the others flanking him. He's wearing a hoodie and looks angry about something, and eager to talk.
VAMPIRE #1: (talking through his verse) You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like-- Bernie. Bernie liked to--
(The music crashes to a halt as ASTARION interrupts, standing, delicately setting his glass on a side table)
ASTARION: Gods, I'm already tired of hearing you whine. I'm going first. I don't want to be here any longer than I have to.
VAMPIRE #1: What? No. I'm going first ton--
(ASTARION shoves VAMPIRE #1 off-stage. VAMPIRE #1 lands in the orchestra pit, because in musical group help, there's an orchestra pit. I don't make the rules. The music resumes.)
ASTARION: (picks up seamlessly as if VAMPIRE #1 never existed) You know how people have these little habits that get you down? Like Fark. Fark was a goblin who liked to throw a mug of beer on the floor to punctuate his sentences. (pausing in annoyed reminiscing) No, not throw. Pitch.
VAMPIRE #1: (from the orchestra) ...pop?
ASTARION: I said pitch. (kicks a chair into the orchestra pit where it lands with a cartoonish crash. No more interruptions from VAMPIRE #1.)
ASTARION: (conversationally, having a good time) So, we're in the goblin camp trying to figure out who was leader (cute shrug) so that we could murder said leader, of course, and there's Fark the goblin, telling awful jokes, drinking a beer and tossing his glass onto the floor. No. Not tossin'. (glares) PITCHING. So, I said to him, this floor is an inlaid mosaic made by the finest artisan guild in Faerûn, and stop ruining it with your tastless swill, and he said 'no', and pitched another glass of beer onto it and it splattered onto my shoes. So I said to him, I said: "You pitch a glass onto that floor one... more... time..." (sigh) And he did. So I took my shortbow off of my back and I fired two warning shots: into his head.
(The chorus swells. It's sexy jazz dance time again. VAMPIRES #2-#5 surround ASTARION and dance supportively.)
ASTARION: He had it comin'. He had it comin'. He only had himself to blame. If you'd have been there, If you'd have heard it, I betcha you would have done the same.
GROUP MODERATOR: Uh-- that's really a great story, Astarion, but what did you learn from it? What was your takeaway?
ASTARION: (laughing) My takeaway? Why, his purse of gold, of course! Which I looted off of his stupid beer-dampened corpse.
(The music gets quiet again, ready for the next singer. VAMPIRE #2 makes for center stage. She's a redhead with a perky ponytail who looks like she's got a lot on her mind. ASTARION steps in front of her, shaking his head.)
ASTARION: I'd let you have this one, darling, but I'm afraid the song isn't done with me yet.
VAMPIRE #2: (is clearly irritated but willing to go with it) Make it good. (takes a seat)
ASTARION: (In a sing-songy, playful tone) I met Gregory Barth from the Lower City about sixty years into my servitude under Cazador. And he told me he was a vampire slayer, and we hit it off right away. So, I thought I might use him to get to Cazador. Enemy of my enemy is my friend, and all that. And things seemed to be going pretty well. We'd drink, I'd sweet talk him, tell him how strong he was, played up all the big hero things he wanted to hear. And then I found out. "Vampire slayer" he told me? Vampire slayer my ass. Not only was he just some barely competent warlock, he was angling to get bitten. One of those 'I want to be immortal' types, you know? So that night when we cozied up together, I told him how he was going to live forever... in the nightmares of the people who found him. What's worse than a warlock nailed to a tree? A warlock nailed to six trees.
(Musical flourish and dance break!
ASTARION: He had it comin' VAMPIRES: (pitch, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz) ASTARION: He had it comin'. He used my influence VAMPIRES: (pitch, six, squish, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz) ASTARION: to climb. And then he used it (pitch) And he abused it (six) He was immortal (squish) And out of time! (Uh-uh, Cicero, Lipschitz)
GROUP MODERATOR: Uh, well, it's always dispiriting when someone we trust to save us fails. But the fact is... (clearly swimming for a way to get this meeting back on topic) ...sometimes, the only person that can save us is us. Does anyone want to speak to this experience? Someone other than Astarion? Vampire #3, what do you think?
(VAMPIRE #3 doesn't even bother looking up at his musical cue; he just gives a thumbs up to ASTARION to continue while doomscrolling on his phone.)
ASTARION: Oh good. Where were we?
GROUP MODERATOR: (sighs)
ASTARION: Ah. This next one. (giggles to himself because he finds this one funny) There I am, fighting the Absolute's army in Moonrise Tower, terribly injured, keeping to the shadows and looking for a healer. In storms a half-Orc in a battle-headed rage. "I'm going to kill you," he bellows, and I believed him. He cornered me. He kept on screaming "I'm going to kill you". So I used the only thing I had to defend myself with: A Scroll of Polymorph.
VAMPIRE #2: ...so you turned a half-orc poly?
ASTARION: I turned him into a sheep, actually.
VAMPIRE #2: (confused) Okay. That's not... so bad.
ASTARION: I might not have explained to my camp mates where I'd gotten the lamb chops for our nightly celebratory meal that night.
(EVERYONE looks at ASTARION with various expressions of horror.)
GROUP MODERATOR: Uh-- that's not-- that shouldn't--
ASTARION: If you'd have been there, If you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same!
(The song briefly calms down. A mournful harp plays. VAMPIRE #5 stands, uncertain.)
VAMPIRE #3: (looks up from his phone) Wait, no, Polymorph doesn't work like that.
ASTARION: Excuse me?
GROUP MODERATOR: Vampire #3, do you have a truth you'd like to speak to?
VAMPIRE #3: Polymorph. Like, if your HP hits zero, you turn back to whatever you were to begin with. You wouldn't stay a sheep. So he couldn't have served his friends lamb chops that night.
ASTARION: (bristling) So I exaggerated for comedic effect; I assure you, he was very much dead by the time I was done with him.
GROUP MODERATOR: (desperately trying to rein in all this shit) Okay, Astarion, that's great, does anyone else--
ASTARION: And besides, Shadowheart screamed when she saw orc chops mixed in with the vegetables in our supplies sack. It was hilarious.
VAMPIRE #4: (clears throat nervously) Umm--
GROUP MODERATOR: I think vampire #4 wants to speak. (tone: 'thank god')
ASTARION: Oh, go ahead, darling. I need to hydrate. (cedes center-stage to VAMPIRE #4 and pours himself a massive glass of wine which he then precedes to drink).
VAMPIRE #4 (in Hungarian) Mit kersek, en itt? Azt mondjok, hogy a hires lakóm lefogta a ferjemet En meg Lecsaptam a fejet De nem igaz En artatlan vagyok Nem tudom Mert mondja Uncle Sam hogy en tettem Probaltam A rendorsegen megmayarazni de nem ertettek meg.
VAMPIRE #2: Yeah, but did you do it?
VAMPIRE #4: Uh-uh, not guilty!
(The music swirls, pensive. ASTARION once again stands, staring into his wine glass, pacing around the stage. GROUP MODERATOR begins to object, but something about the tonal shift makes him pause. All the charm and joking around are suddenly gone; it's clear that this story, whatever it's about, is somehow vastly more personal to ASTARION.)
ASTARION: My master Cazador and I had this understanding... that as long as I brought back the prettiest, shiniest people to him, that it didn't matter if they were nice. Or good. Or innocent. Now, I know that they were all innocent - in a manner of speaking, even the lousiest of them - but as long as I seduced and dropped off exquisitely beautiful blood bags for him to satiate himself with and destroy, he wouldn't lock me in a tomb for longer than a week, or force me to embroider jokes into my arm for laughs... that often. (smiles humorlessly)
ASTARION: (continues pacing, his voice deceptively light despite the caged, uncomfortable shift to his demeanor) But one week, he didn't want me to bring home the most lovely person in the tavern. He wanted me to bring home a child. I begged him to reconsider; I don't-- I'd never brought a child home before. I didn't-- I didn't know how. ('I didn't want to' is implied strongly here, but ASTARION can't quite voice it). So! (claps his hands together, smiling broadly, fakely) I decided to distract him. I brought home a half-dozen drunks all in a row. I grinned, I charmed, I laughed, I flirted, I brought home one beautiful shining half-wit right after the other. All the types that I knew Cazador would like. I even brought home someone that looked like me. (a 'what can you do' shrug). I come back with the last one, I deliver him drunk off his heels straight to Cazador, and there's Cazador and the other other five - and they're all sick on the floor. They're not dying of blood loss, oh no. He'd killed them with poison. (softly) He made me watch. It took a-- long time. Then, he made me kill the last one, the one that looked like me, so I'd know how displeased he was. (feigning lightness) Well, I was in such a state of shock. I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew I'd done what he'd asked.
(The song reaches full pitch, a boiling, roiling thing. SEXY ANGRY JAZZ DANCING FROM ALL VAMPIRES!)
ALL: They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' all along (they had it comin' all along) I didn't do it (he didn't do it) But if I'd done it (but if he'd done it) How could you tell me that I was wrong? They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' all along (they used my influence to climb) I didn't do it (and then they used it) But if I'd done it How could you tell me that I was wrong?
GROUP MODERATOR: Vampire #5?
VAMPIRE #5: Uh... you go ahead Astarion. That shit is fucked.
ASTARION: You sure? (bats eyelashes)
VAMPIRE #5: Oh yeah.
ASTARION: Very well then. One more for the road, by popular request. (is still shaky, but is doing his best impression of a charming performer once again) I wanted Cazador dead more than I can possibly say. I wanted to take from him everything he'd taken from me - and more. So when I had the opportunity to really screw him over, I decided why not - for all the screwing he'd made me do. (dramatic shrug) But a loved one of mine pointed out that the problem of abusing the one who'd abused you is that it continues the cycle, and doesn't actually help you get free. You're so afraid of this monster that you become the monster yourself. Violence... is often the answer. I do believe that.
GROUP MODERATOR: (pointed cough)
ASTARION: ...but sometimes, violence isn't the answer. Sometimes, you have to be better than the person you believe you are. To... resist the impulse. To start over.
GROUP MODERATOR: (is actually touched) That's... actually a really great sentiment, Astarion. So you showed Cazador mercy in the end, despite all he'd done to you.
ASTARION: Oh, fuck no. I stabbed him thirty-seven times. I would've stabbed him thirty-eight, but my dagger broke on his stupid fucking rib.
(A beat. The music keys back up into a fever pitch as ALL VAMPIRES and the GROUP MODERATOR sing and dance relentlessly.)
ALL: The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' (they had it comin') They had it comin' all along (they had it comin' all along) 'Cause if they used us ('cause if they used us) And they abused us (and they abused us) How could you tell us that we were wrong? He had it comin' (he had it comin') He had it comin' (he had it comin') He only had himself to blame (he only had himself to blame) If you'd have been there (if you'd have been there) If you'd have seen it (if you'd have seen it) I betcha you would have done the same!
(The music is winding down, as the VAMPIRES continue chatting amongst themselves. Slowly, one by one, they resume their original chairs in Group Help.)
VAMPIRE #1: (from the orchestra pit) You pitch that glass one more time! VAMPIRE #2: Vampire slayer my ass VAMPIRE #3: Half-orc! VAMPIRE #4: Miert csukott Uncle Same bortonbe. ASTARION: Exquisitely beautiful. VAMPIRE #5: Resist the impulse.