đđŸđ đđđđșđđŸ (texako) wrote in valloic, @ 2023-04-01 11:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, voltron: keith kogane, ⎠inactive: tex kogane |
Tex knew that any day he didn't have to talk to Keith about the elephant in the room was basically borrowed time at this point. The initial awe of his arrival had settled into a more comfortable being in Vallo and with it he knew a serious chat with his son was more than overdue. He wasn't put out by it though, he knew Keith needed it. And he didn't much expect it to completely change the dynamic they'd fallen into. Or make him unwelcome in his son's life.
So as the afternoon drifted on and Shiro set about getting Kipp down for a nap and Keith suggested going out on the back porch, Tex figured it was about as good a time as they were going to get with a toddler demanding attention.
He grabbed two beers from the fridge and uncapped them before heading out. It was still early in the season but the afternoon was warm enough with the promise of spring. Tex handed a beer to Keith and took a seat next to him on the porch steps.
"Hell of a life you've made for yourself here," he said warmly as he looked out over the yard.
At first Keith had done his best to hide all the shitty feelings that had been overwhelming him, between both Kippâs and Texâs unexpected arrivals into their lives and the circumstances surrounding them. Thankfully, Catra had caught onto his bullshit and then Shiro got him to actually talk about it, after a meltdown he had in front of the family. So Keith knew he had to talk about it soon with his dad. And they had briefly touched on it, with a promise for a real talk in the future, but they had yet to still have that talk.
Keith wasnât exactly avoiding it though, not anymore. After that talk in the closet with Shiro, he felt better about everything, including his dad. Now it was just a lack of time that had them putting it off. With Kipp and his return to his work schedule impacting the time they now had available to them, they kept choosing to enjoy the time together rather than bog it down with this talk. And Keith needed time to have the mental energy for it, so that he didnât come off accusing and upset.
Now, though? Now he felt ready and if this back porch talk went that way, so be it. He would be okay with it and come into it with a good headspace.
âWell, I worked really hard for it,â Keith said, not in defense or anything. But simply stated with a smile. âWe earned this and I feel good about that.â He took a little sip of his beer, just to get a taste and to buy a little time to find his next words. âIâm glad youâre here to enjoy it with us, but I do have to say sorry for how closed off and weird I was when you first got here. It was a lot to deal with and itâs not an excuseâŠbut I wanted to explain that it wasnât about you. It was about me and how I handle things. Iâm learning to be better at it.â
Tex was about to say something to his son that he didn't have to earn good things, in his eyes Keith should just have them. But then Keith kept going and it was not exactly where Tex had expected the conversation to go.
He took a moment, fingers fiddling with the label on his beer bottle. Like Keith he took a drink himself, letting his thoughts linger before speaking.
"Keith - you had a toddler and your deceased father dropped in your lap all within what? A week of each other? I'd say you handled it pretty well givenâŠ" a pause. "Well, everything," a sort of sweep of his hand at that as though to indicate the 'everything'.
"I never took offense to any of it, you got nothing to be sorry for," he added.
"As far as you being closed off, Keith," he paused. "That's - it's not surprising?" he continued, carefully. He knew what he wanted to say, he wasn't sure how to. "I know the way you grew up, after I was gone, that's not -" he trailed off, lips pressed together tightly, swallowing hard against a lump in his throat. "That's not what I wanted for you. I don't think that's what any parent wants for their child." Another short pause. "I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."
Keith knew what he wanted to ask. He knew what he wanted to say. But they werenât there yet and he was trying to be lessâŠblunt with his loved ones. He was trying not to jump three steps ahead to get to the core of it because these little things needed to be talked about as well. Because what might seem like small potatoes to him - how he grew up - was clearly not how Tex felt about it, especially if the face he was making was any indication.
So Keith slowed his roll and chewed on his bottom lip as he processed what Tex had to say. âYou donât have to be sorry about it, Dad. I know you wouldnât have wanted all of that for me, but every step along the way got me here, you know?â A smile made its way onto his face. âI met Shiro, I got into the Garrison, I went to space and found Mom. It didnât turn out so bad for me, in the end.â His smile lessened a little now, turning somewhat sad. âBut I do wish I had you with me for all of that.â It was right there, on the tip of his tongue now. The Question. Still, he held back.
Tex was the kind of man to wonder about the larger question of fate of it all. Would Keith have ended where he had if things had been different? It felt weird to think on. The life Keith had found for himself was one that was clearly well loved and Tex, well, he couldn't imagine anyone but Shiro with his son now. Would a different path have ended at the same end point.
Honestly he had no idea, and lingering too long on all the what ifs seemed like a recipe for a headache and a half.
"I wish I could have been there too," was what he settled on. Because in the end the what ifs didn't particularly matter. It had all already happened. All there really was was the ache of having missed it all. Every achievement, every set back. The good, the bad, the everything in between. A whole lifetime his son had had without him.
He took another drink and settled his bottle down beside him to rest elbows on his knees and lance his hands together. "It was never my intention to not be, Keith." He hoped it went without saying, but still. "I just - I met your mom, everything seemed like it would be fine and then I had this beautiful baby that looked human but I knew wasn't, not entirely at least, and she was gone. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, Keith." A pause. "I didn't know what being part Galra might have meant for you two years down the line, five, ten⊠I was scared of what it could mean. But I didn't want you to have a life of fear. I thought if I could just - get enough money together, find a place we could live that we could maybe just be one face in millions and no one would look twice.."
Tex let out a slow breath. "There's a lot I would change if I could." A different plan, a different job. Hindsight was a bitch.
Despite his father not being around as he grew up into the man he was, Keith had been able to suss out most of this on his own. He knew and understood why they had been so isolated in the first few years of his life. But Texâs plans to moveâŠthat was new.
Eyebrows raised in surprise, he asked, âWe were going to leave the cabin?â It had been one thing to occasionally go into town with his dad, but he had never known that the isolation was only supposed to be temporary. And goddamn, wasnât that a thought? How different would his life have been? Better, maybe? Or worse, he reminded himself to keep the envy of a what if at bay. Because there was no way of knowing though because thatâs not what had happened.
âI didnât know that. There wasnât a lot of information left behindâŠafter.â After social services found out about a kid living in the desert by himself, things had become a little blurry.
"I didn't like the idea of you staying isolated," he answered. "That ended up going on longer than I had hoped," he added. "But somewhere big? Where people would be less likely to talk if they noticed something⊠different about us." Maybe it still would have been isolation, just in a different way. "I had worried at first, that someone would have come for the Blue Lion. But as the years passed it became clear Krolia had been successful in keeping the trail cold and I figured it was safe to move on."
He shook his head a little, clearing his mind of those memories.
"There wouldn't have been," he said about the information. Another mistake maybe. He imagined that had been a damn mess. But -
"I know you know by now the risks of the job we both chose," he started and looked at Keith beside him. "I wanted to do something different, something less dangerous. But then the bills would come, life would come, the savings wouldn't get any bigger, and it kept turning into next week⊠next month⊠I kept fooling myself that the risks were there but it wouldn't be me." He took a beat and glanced down at his hands for a moment. "And then I ran out of time." He looked back at Keith. "I failed you in a lot of ways, Keith, and I'm sorry for that."
And just like that, the need to ask The Question disappeared. Why did you leave me? was no longer needed. All these years Keith had been seeing it as Tex choosing saving someone else over staying around for him. He hadn't considered that Tex thought he was going to come back.
Keith tried to keep his composure, but in the face of his father's complete honesty, his face crumpled. Catra and Shiro were right. All he needed was to talk to his dad and hear that apology.
"You didn't fail me," he cried, as he put his beer down and reached over for Tex's hand. He really wanted to throw himself at his dad for a hug, but a part of him thought he didn't deserve it after all the thoughts he had before about being orphaned. "I'm here because you protected me and I'm sorry I couldn't see that before."
While hearing Keith say that helped, it didn't completely erase the guilt Tex felt. Which was okay. That was his to carry and he was okay with that. And while for Keith it was nearly two decades removed at this point for him it was weeks. Maybe with time it'd ease more but Tex knew it would always be there. A thought to keep him up at night, all those what if's. But he was determined to enjoy the what if he got now.
He didn't hold the same hesitation as Keith and gave Keith's hand a squeeze before he hugged his son tight. "You'll always be the most important thing to me, Keith. Even if you're all grown and got a family of your own now. Nothing will ever change that."
It felt like permission to hug his dad back, when the man drew him into it. Which was dumb because his dad never withheld affection before, had always been abundant with the hugs and vocal with his love, but navigating all of this after so much time was still a little hard for Keith. Time hadnât been kind to him right after losing Tex and had shuttered him to most people. Shiro and the rest of Voltron had broken him of a lot of his distrust, but it could be an uphill battle in certain situations.
Situations like reconnecting with your long dead dad.
With one last squeeze of his father, Keith pulled back, but didnât go far. âI love you. Iâm sorry for ever thinking that you being gone was a choice that you made. This whole time I was just so angry, but I never could see it from your point of view. Not until you actually told me what you were thinking.â
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Keith," Tex said. He'd never hold his son's anger against him. Hell Tex was angry at himself for it. He let a hand linger on Keith's shoulder. "You went through something no one should have to go through - you were allowed to be angry about that, you're still allowed to be angry about that."
He gave Keith's shoulder a squeeze and dropped his arm. "I love you, kiddo, and I have no clue how or why we got a chance here but I'm glad we got it." He reached for his beer again and held it out in a cheers motion. "To second chances?"
âNot angry anymore. I got you back and thatâs what matters now,â Keith vowed, as he picked up his beer again. Playing with the tab, he said, âIâm glad I have Kipp with us while youâre here. I want him to get to know you. For however long Vallo gives us, I want to make the most of this time.â The fact that Shiro finally got to meet Tex soothed a part of Keith that he hadnât even known was ruffled by the injustices of his life.
Raising his beer, he clinked it with his fatherâs. âTo second chances.â