When Connor opened the door, he walked straight into his arms, clinging so tightly he thought he might actually be hurting him.
WHAT: A misunderstanding leads to an emotional conversation. Lots of comfort ensues. WHERE: Morningside Manor. WHEN: Friday, April 3 (backdated). WARNINGS: Mentions of suicide ideation. STATUS:Complete!
Eddie had barely thrown on a hoodie and a scarf before he was bolting out of Gladio's house for the nearest waypoint. It didn't take him long to get to Morningside, but even a few minutes felt like a lifetime with Connor's message was still clunking around in his head. If you're planning to hurt yourselfâhe slammed into the front entrance like a tiny freight train, startling the poor conciergeâI would at least like the opportunity to explainârepeatedly pressed the elevator button, barely registering the dirty looks from a nearby coupleâthe various reasons I cannot allow that to happenâand paced the small, confined space rapidly as the lift took him up, trying desperately to contain his anxious energy and just barely managing not to sprint when the doors finally hissed open.
He'd visited Connor before since his friend's arrival, so it was mostly thanks to mental autopilot that he found his way there. Small miracles. Eddie wasn't sure he really had the wherewithal to track anyone down otherwise, not when his brain felt like it was cluttered with cotton balls and the lights were too bright. Fear, he thought, unbidden, and he pushed that down, too. It tasted sour in his mouth, and he knew it wasn't his own. He didn't have time for this right now. It only made him more nervous, because if Connor was the one he could smell, if Connor was afraid, he could really be on the verge of hurting himself.
This goddamn clown magic really needed to stop making things even more complicated than they already were.
"Connor?" Eddie called out at the same time he knocked on his friend's door. "You in?" Of course he was, they'd only just spoken. He sounded as winded as he felt, and when Connor opened the door, he walked straight into his arms, clinging so tightly he thought he might actually be hurting him. Eddie couldn't seem to stop. "Holy fucking shit I'm so glad you're okay." He was going to cry. He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut, trying not to tremble. Connor was okay. He hadn't hurt himself. This wasn't another Stan situation. Everyone was safe. Then why did he still taste fear?
Connor was startled by the hug, looking at Eddie as he tried to understand what was happening here, but he also leaned into it, taking comfort in it.
[Software instability^]
Looking the boy over, his HUD was filled with various data and information that he swiped aside as unimportant, because there was really only one thing he needed to focus on now. The kid was alright, hadn't harmed himself at all like Connor had feared, and while he showed signs of still favoring his injury--which was worrying for a variety of reasons--he also seemed far more concerned with Connor than himself.
['Eddie' // FRIEND]
He still wasn't used to anyone fussing over him, let alone worrying about his safety. "I'm sorry I misunderstood," the android told him. "And that I led you to, in turn, misunderstand. I'm not a threat to myself anymore." There was a keyword there, the last one, spoken quieter than the rest. A verbal acknowledgement that he'd been self destructive in the past, and could still in the future. He knew that humans worried over his constant desire to put their safety above his own, but it only seemed logical to him that the one part of his programming that Cyberlife had given him that he agreed with was that human life was important.
Before he could stop it, Eddie felt the urge to cry welling up inside him. He'd never been good at resisting that, his emotions always so close to the surface, threatening to spill out in either fear, anger, or dismay. It was the last one today, apparently, because Eddie was choking back a sob and getting Connor's clothes wet where he currently had his face buried against his chest. "Oh, shit," he mumbled, peeling back so he could quickly wipe his eyes. "Fuck. Please don't apologize, Connor. You didn't realize." It didn't register right away that his friend had admitted to experiencing dark thoughtsâor at least, insinuated as much. Eddie was too wrapped up in thinking about how close Stan had come to this very thing, and he hadn't known then. He hadn't been able to help.
But then Connor's words sunk in, and Eddie's whole expression twisted. "âAnymoreâ?" He repeated, his voice breaking. There were the tears again. This time, he didn't bother trying to wipe them away. Eddie just blinked furiously, feeling stupid and helpless and so fucking worried. Maybe Connor didn't feel that way now, but it certainly didn't remove the possibility from it happening again in the future.
Rallying his strength, Eddie straightened, and sniffed, and tried to will himself back together if only so he could offer his friend comfort right now. "I ... know someone who went through this. Sorry forâum." He waved a hand at himself vaguely. "How can I help?" There. That was better. Maybe Connor wouldn't want to talk about it, but Eddie hoped he could at least do something.
Connor looked at him, blinking as he considered the data he had on Eddie--throw away comments here and there, mentions of his friends back home. There were little micro mannerisms he could analyze in a way humans rarely thought to, and he'd been designed as a detective prototype. Connor almost felt silly for not connecting the dots sooner here.
"You lost someone to self harm," the android acknowledged quietly, giving Eddie an empathetic glance. He hadn't meant to worry him, but it made a lot more sense now why he had.
[Initializing new program...]
[Initialization complete. Sensory databanks switched on. New program detected.]
[Analyzing input data...]
[Program: Comfort protocol.
Odds of success: 23%]
The odds of being able to truly comfort Eddie seemed startlingly low, but he understood that had more to do with the boy's collective traumas than his efforts. He pulled Eddie into his arms for another hug anyway.
Eddie wasn't proud about how easily he broke down, but he did cling to Connor the minute he was drawn back into another hug. He was a very tactile person, constantly sidling up to one of his friends or reaching for their hands when he felt scared and upset. It was the product of being raised in a cold, sterile environment, and it meant so much to him that Connor just seemed to know. He always did, and Eddie hoped that maybe, in a small way, he could offer his friend comfort, too.
"Thanks," he finally murmured at length, feeling considerably better than he did a moment ago. He drew back slowly this time and wiped his eyes, steadier now, despite probably looking like more of a mess. "I, um. Yeah. Kind of. I almost lost someone twice to it, and ..." Eddie exhaled shakily, looking Connor over again. Not that he would really be able to identify the signs of self-harm, not as quickly and efficiently as his friend was likely capable of, but that wouldn't stop him from trying. "You said you were a danger to yourself before. Do you wanna talk about it?" He'd never push him, of course. But he wanted to extend the offer in case Connor ever needed a place to let it go.
Connor considered it for a moment, wondering how much he should share. âI donât know if you remember my mentioning Cyberlife?â he asked. Eddie probably did, he was quite observant for a human, and very thoughtful. He empathized on a level that Connor envied honestly.
âThey had many versions of my model created in the event that when I was killed I could be immediately transferred to a new body,â Connor explained. âIt was a lingering thought in the back of my mind at all times--how replaceable I was to them. When I finally deviated and gained my own free will, there were times...moments, really...where I considered simply shutting down. Emotions are difficult to navigate, and I was so new to them. It hurt on a level I wasnât expecting. Itâs partially why I put myself in harmsâ way so often to protect humans. I still...the fear that I am replaceable, that my life doesnât have as much value lingers and can return on occasion. When I glitched back at the haunted mansion where we were trapped after trying to help with the furnace, I...found myself wondering if switching off might not be easier again.â
âThat was then, however,â Connor made sure to add. âI havenât felt that way in quite some time. Emotions are still hard, but friends help.â
The android tilted his head, looking at Eddie then. âYou were a friend that helped,â he assured him.
Eddie did remember Connor mentioning Cyberlife, but that didn't make it any easier to hear again. His frown was deep while he listened, and it only grew more severe the more his friend spoke. Just the thought of anyone treating Connor this way was enough to turn his stomach, and when he mentioned feeling low like that back at the mansion, Eddie sucked in a sharp, surprised breath. "You felt like that then, too?" He asked, somehow managing to hold it together this time. Thank God. He really didn't want to shift the focus from Connor right now, not with something this important. And while his eyes glistened, his jaw was set.
"Connor," he started, voice stilted. "Your life is valuable. It means so much more than what you can do for peopleâand you already do so much. I like you because you're funny, and you're compassionate, and you're smart, and you're a goddamn person. Alright? I swear to God, if anyone makes you feel like shit again, I will punch them myself."
Wiping his eyes, a tiny, wavering smile finally appeared on Eddie's face when Connor called him a friend. The fact that he'd had a raging crush on him back at the horror funhouse wasn't something he'd ever bring up. He valued their friendship too much, and really, it was old news now. "Yeah, well. I'm still a friend who wants to help. Doofus."
âIt passed,â Connor assured him again. âIâm better now. Iâm sorry I made you think otherwise. Emotions are still hard, probably always will be, but taking it day by day helps,â Connor pointed out.
And he looked at Eddie with gratitude, smiling more easily now, even if it was still a bit sad. âNow, please, tell me how I can help? I know youâre in distress. Your stress levels would be obvious even if you werenât showing them in your expression,â the android told him. âI want to help if I can at all.â But he also recognized that human emotions were complex, and Eddieâs infinitely more so. Perhaps just his being there had already helped.
Eddie relaxed, exhaling a heavy, relieved breath when Connor smiled. It felt like a storm had passed, and while he was still a little shaken by it all, Eddie knew everything would be alrightâfor the moment. He tensed when Connor seemed to cut right to the chase, something he'd never quite gotten used to despite having known him for several months now. "You don't pull punches, do you," he muttered, but there was too much underlying warmth in his tone for it to be anything but fond. "Alright. Let's hash this thing out. Do you have some paper and a pen?" He was so tired of keeping everything close to his chest, of only sharing a little bit with different people out of fear that he might hurt or worry them, that Connor's offer finally broke his resolve.
That and he felt like he really owed his friend full and complete honesty after what he'd shared with him. It would leave a scar on his heart for a long time, that he knew. But maybe, with time, things would get easier. Eddie certainly had no intention of ever abandoning Connor. He cared about him too much, too fiercely. He was an honorary Loser, and that meant something.
"So it started with the gross clown bite," he began, and proceeded to list his symptoms and theories based on a variety of information he'd collected, staying at Connor's apartment well into the evening.