lance alvarez (powpowpow) wrote in valloic, @ 2022-04-11 10:42:00 |
|
|||
To say the last couple days had been an exercise in frustration, self doubt, and just straight up sad would be an understatement. Lance felt absolutely exhausted with the weight of it all. The uncertainty. The ever constant nagging voice that was now all but screaming you're not good enough at any given turn. He felt all of sixteen again, trying desperately to keep up with the other Garrison students, to scrape together some ounce of worthiness to shove out into the world to say hey I should be here. All while feeling like even that ounce was out of reach and asking too much.
He hadn't realized how much he had come to rely on his bond with Red to ground him, to drown out the more self deprecating parts of himself, until suddenly he was without. Or at least without it in the same way. It was still there - small and quiet and barely a whisper in the back of his mind - but not enough to have Red dropping her barrier, not enough to bridge the distance between them. Just enough though to keep Lance from completely freaking out that whatever this was it was permanent. Just enough to keep a thread of hope that he could fix this.
If he only knew how.
There was a heavy sigh as the latest attempt fell apart. A frustrated sort of sigh as Lance fell back against the cold hanger floor. Meditation had never been his thing even under the best of circumstances. With his mind racing a million miles a minute it had felt even more fruitless. He dropped his forearm against his face, covering his eyes. "This sucks," he said quietly.
They really hadn’t gone far while Lance was going through this, everyone hovering in a way that they really weren't quite sure what to do, though Shiro had told him that it was something Lance needed to figure out for himself. It seemed to be the case, but still left Atreus feeling a little helpless and watchful all the same.
Making sure Lance ate and kept hydrated was a top priority, and not the easiest task, but Atreus wasn’t against bribing him with his favorite foods. When he sat down next to Lance, his footsteps having been silent on the hanger floor, it might’ve been a surprise, but he held Lance’s preferred burrito up to the pilot’s face.
“Meditating on an empty stomach never works for me,” Atreus was gentle and quiet, and hoped the smell of the delicious burrito, even through two layers of foil, could help add to the temptation of food.
Lance's arm slid down as he heard someone sit down next to him so he could peer up from his spot on the floor to see who - not that he expected anyone other than Atreus, Keith, or Shiro. And despite it all, there was a soft smile at seeing Atreus there. Food in hand, and it was very much not lost on Lance that Atreus was taking care of him. It wasn't surprising, and he knew it wouldn't be much different if this had happened two months ago too. But there was a certain niceness to it.
He sat back up, shoulder pressed into Atreus' as he took the burrito. "Thanks," he said as he started to unwrap it enough to take a bite.
"I can't really say I've ever gotten it to work," he said with a shrug after eating a bite of burrito. At least on his own. As a group they'd done some freaky mind meld stuff but he wasn't sure if that really fell under the meditation umbrella. But mostly any attempt on his own he could never quite nail the whole quiet your mind thing.
He ate a few more bites of the burritos, staring up at Red in front of them. They weren't that far apart, maybe ten feet separating. But it felt like a damn chasm. More than that it felt like a part of Lance himself was across that chasm. The better part if you asked him.
Four years. Give or take - time was weird in space. Four years he'd traipsed across the whole damn universe and most of that in Red. And as awful as some of it had been, as scarred the war had left him it had given him something else too. A purpose. He picked out a piece of meat from the burrito and offered it to Monty who had shuffled over at the smell of food.
"I don't know who I am without this," he admitted quietly, dropping his head onto Atreus' shoulder.
Atreus sucked in a breath. Oh he knew that feeling, and he knew it well. That lost feeling of not knowing who you were or what you were without a key defining feature, it was a large part of his life. He also stared up at Red, as if silently willing the Lion to drop the wall and communicate, for both of their sakes.
“Getting to the point of being calm of mind isn’t easy,” He was able to do it with pure peace and quiet and it still wasn’t an easy thing to achieve, and he sure as hel wouldn’t have been able to if Jormie or Lore was doing this sort of thing. Atreus sighed and rested his cheek against the top of Lance’s head and wrapped an arm around him. “You’re Lance motherfucking Alvarez. I know who you are without Red, and I love Red, don’t get me wrong.” He spared a glance for the Lion ahead, hoping that would maybe wake her up, but alas.
“But you are your own person without her. You make each other better, but you’re strong, kind, generous, and the person that sometimes wakes up first just so you can get the early morning cuddles and you feed animals without me even having to ask. You go out of your way to check in on my father even with how terrifying he is, you’re always there for your friends, and,” Atreus spared a glance for Monty, who leaned in with nudges towards both of them. “Monty loves you.”
Lance could feel a flush creep up the back of his neck and into his face at Atreus' words. Which were probably in at least the top five nicest things anyone had ever said to him. At least outside of his mom. And he couldn't help the little smile as it all settled over him.
"To be fair, Monty loves anyone who gives him food and pets," he pointed out lightly, because the rest of it was a lot and he definitely needed a moment there to process.
He set his burrito down and moved to Atreus' lap, chest to chest and his legs stretching out long on either side. It put his back to Red and he had to fight against the overthinking of what if this would be perceived as another slight. But the closeness made a nice distraction and if anything, focusing his gaze somewhere else - especially when that somewhere else was Atreus - for the first time in hours did a lot to clear his mind.
"Thank you," he said as he brought a hand up to the side of Atreus' face and leaned in to kiss him. "It means a lot - having you here," he added. Not just in that moment, but everything over the past few days.
“That’s not true,” Atreus could answer that definitively, with one glance to Monty. “Remember I’m the animal whisperer.” Dogs were notoriously forgiving and easy, but they knew love and how to direct it, especially to those most important to them.
And Atreus was fully willing to wax poetic and go on even more about how much people appreciated Lance, but then he had a lap full of the pilot and a growing smile on his face. “Hey,” Atreus pushed back a piece of hair on Lance’s face and leaned into the kiss. His hands settled on Lance’s hips easily. “You’re welcome. I’m here for you, we’re all here for you.”
He looked over Lance’s shoulder at the unresponsive lion. “And you too, Red.” Back to Lance, Atreus pulled him in a little closer so they were touching with more contact points. “Is it rude to make out in front of her when she’s dealing with stuff or can she not tell?”
Lance shrugged a little with a bit of a smile. "Maybe it'll just make her annoyed enough to yell at me," which at this point, he'd take. He curled a leg around Atreus as he was pulled in closer, arms looped lightly around his shoulders and leaned back in for another lingering kiss. "Anything?" he asked as he pulled away and turned his head to look back at Red. Though he was more joking than really expecting a reaction.
"She can tell," he answered Atreus as he turned his head back. "At least sort of? They know what we feel - when we're upset or happy," he explained. "Just like we know what's on their minds - maybe not in the exact words all the time, but the feelings behind it. Like I know she likes you because she's happy when I'm happy." There was a soft smile at that, you make me happy behind the words.
He paused, letting out a slow breath. "And I know she's been - struggling? That things are different here and there's a lot of good there but that it's been hard too? Being grounded, missing the rest of the team…" he snuck a quick glance in Black's direction. Their steadfast leader and Lance got it, he did. How hard it must be for Red, the right hand of Voltron when there was no Voltron. "Dynamics changing," he shrugged as he looked back at Atreus.
"But it's hard," he admitted. "To convince myself it must be just that and not -" he swallowed hard, lips pressed into a tight line. "Not me? That she stopped finding enough worth in me to be her paladin." It was the first time he'd voiced it, the ugly thought that kept swirling around in his mind, that he couldn't keep from taking hold. After all, the lion picked their paladin and not the other way around.
Atreus’ stomach jumped a little with the knowledge that Red liked him because Lance liked him, but it wasn’t as if it was a surprise, right? They wouldn’t have been sleeping together if they didn’t like each other enough to risk a friendship going sideways, but even if there was something more to it, neither them have quite gotten to the part of fessing up to it. But he’d long since suspected Red knew there was more to it, which was why they got along well.
“Hey,” Atreus wanted to push a little sympathy in Red’s direction, missing her people couldn’t have been easy, but right now his focus was on Lance. He reached up to tap at Lance’s chin, to make sure he got some eye contact in. “There is no part of me that believes you’re unworthy. You both may have some things to work through but I know you will.”
The worry there in Lance’s tone made Atreus squeeze his hips and try for a reassuring nudge. “It’s possible you may need to work through some of that self-esteem, to convince yourself you are. Maybe she wants to hear that, or maybe she just needs a little time to work through her own stuff?”
There was definitely merit to the idea of it being something more between them. Something Lance also had an inkling that Red had picked up on. Usually more in tune with Lance's emotions than even Lance himself was. And really, it would be hard pressed to deny right then. Their closeness, the intimacy in the touches as Lance let go of things he'd normally keep hidden away.
His gaze lifted at the touch against his chin, and he leaned into a little, chasing the contact. Atreus' words felt big and warm as they washed over him. For ways that were all wrapped up in the current situation with Red and in completely other ways too. That little oh that tended to sneak up on him when it came to Atreus. That this could be something big and real and very good if he just gave into it completely.
Lance leaned forward to tuck his face into the crook of Atreus' neck. "Both maybe?" he said after a moment. Which felt insurmountable at that moment. For all Lance could act like he was the best at everything ever, the worry that he wasn't even okay was a frequent struggle.
"Even after everything - " defending the universe, saving the universe, "I don't know - still feels sometimes like I'm that dumb kid who only made it into the fighter pilot program because one Keith Kogane allegedly punched Iverson and then fucked off into the desert," and despite it all he laughed softly at that. He knew it wasn't entirely logical, but feelings rarely were.
"Wanna get out of here? I think I need a break from overthinking my entire lifetime of choices right now," he said as he lifted his head. He'd clearly hit a wall today, and stopped being productive long before Atreus had shown up.
“Both, maybe.” Atreus confirmed, and it would make sense that it was something they had to work together on. He wasn’t about to question that, or try and intercede and overstep his boundaries even if he didn’t think either Lance or Red would hold it against him.
He was a little apprehensive about dragging Lance away now, but Atreus knew from being surrounded by stubborn people that it wasn’t going to happen until it happened, no matter what he did or said. “You aren’t dumb, and you aren’t a kid anymore, but you were forced to grow up a lot faster than most and memories can stay fresh for a long time. You’re still the same person, you’ve just grown.”
Oh, how that tables turned, Aterus knew full well that he could’ve been talking about himself there, and he winced inwardly. It was a good opportunity to grab Lance’s ass as a distraction, though. “Yeah, weather’s nice. Let’s go swimming? I know where the water’s finally gotten warm.”
"You're killing me," Lance said lightly, but the little flush on his face again and softness in his eyes made it clear it was only a joke. He appreciated having Atreus there, talking him out of some of the more self deprecating thoughts regarding all this - more than he could ever hope to put into words right then. More often than not Lance tended to just shove his own shit away, make light of it or quickly pull focus away. He wasn't quite sure what to make of actually addressing it.
He knew a lot of what Atreus said went for him too. For most of them really. They'd all been forced to grow up too quick. Lifetime's worth of pain and loss into their short years. And so Lance took a moment to tighten his arms around Atreus, and hold the hug for a long moment, a soft laugh as his ass was grabbed.
"Warm enough for skinny dipping?" he asked as he pulled back with a sly little grin. But he didn't quite make a move to get up just yet. Instead he leaned in to press his lips to Atreus' again. Swimming sounded like the perfect way to let the talk linger in his brain, settle in before he tried again with Red. But he was in no huge hurry, content to linger in the moment for another few minutes.