InsaneJournal

Alex hadn’t been at the top of her game lately.

Lena’s surprise disappearance had put her on edge. Going days away from her without truly being able to help her, to contribute in some way, to get her back had sent her right back down that dark path she’d been struggling to avoid. And so, like always, she went back to her favorite method of coping: whiskey. The good stuff Lena kept stashed away in her office.

Not in excess - she knew her limits, like Lena said - but she certainly stopped making an effort to be consistently sober. Two glasses a day, give or take, got her through dealing with her own and Lena’s responsibilities with a little less aggravation. She wasn’t proud of herself - lapsing like this, when she’d made an effort to set herself straight, was weak and she recognized that. But she was tired and worried and it helped.

Of course it wasn’t easy to put it back down even after Lena returned home. It was a comfort she’d needed in her girlfriend’s absence, and it was a comfort she needed when she got home. Because, even after they’d been reunited, something was still off. Alex could feel it. The same thing had been off even before Lena’s time in the sphere, ever since she woke up with that memory update from home on Valentine’s Day.

She couldn’t let it sit there and stew any longer. Now that everyone had made it back to Vallo proper and had time to recuperate, things were starting to settle down. Lena had even gone back to work today. Alex had spent the day at Stephen’s lab here at L-Corp, then popped out to pick up and bring home Chinese takeout. It felt like they were sliding back into something resembling normal, so it was time to clear the air.

She took the private elevator up to the penthouse and it opened with a ding into the living room. “Hey!” she called out, setting the takeout and six pack of beer on the kitchen beside Lena. She plucked two out at once - yep, no hiding going on here - before going to stash the rest in the refrigerator. “Hope you’re hungry.”

Lena also hadn’t been at the top of her game lately. That entire situation with rooms and puzzles and a fucking dragon in the end - neither her intellect or magic gave her an edge, on anything. It was ten whole days of stress and failures, barely adequate plumbing and sorry excuses for protein bars for sustenance. Perhaps her failures could be chalked up to the situation, bare minimum nutrition and sky-rocketing amounts of stress but regardless of the reasoning it made her feel useless. Uselessness was an awful feeling.

It didn’t exactly wane being back home, either. Alex had thankfully stepped up and kept her workload from becoming this monstrous, unbeatable mess to come back to so it wasn’t as bad. Now, however, there were no distractions from this suffocating sense of guilt that sat on her chest. Her magic, these memories from home - although good ones, if she were to study it objectively - hadn’t been faced head on.

Part of her wanted to continue to hold it off. Procrastinate by keeping herself occupied with other things. Any thing that came her way. It wouldn’t be fair, and it was selfish to distract herself from the one person this talk would deeply affect, and for someone who exemplified organization and keeping her shit together, Lena Luthor was a hot mess.

In true work-obsessed mode, Alex arrived to Lena sitting at the kitchen island with an open laptop, perfectly manicured fingers (they needed some attention after ten days of hands-on puzzles, frog monsters, dragons) tapping away at the letter keys.

Lena barely paused at her typing but she did gamble a glance over to Alex, taking notice of the beer. “Maybe,” she said. “Though I hope you’re not as thirsty as that implies, Alex.”

“Well, one was meant for you, but if that’s how you feel about it.” Alex leaned forward to grab back one of the bottles she’d left on the counter and drop it back into place in its box, closing the refrigerator door before turning back to the counter. “One’s more than enough for me.”

It was a bit snippy but sent a clear enough message that she wasn’t discussing this. Yes, she’d been going to AA. Yes, this month’s events had broken that streak of hers. But she was an adult. She knew how to handle her liquor. She’d been drinking since well before she was legally allowed, and she knew her limits. She wasn’t that same dumb college kid who’d been tossed into the drunk tank; she could monitor her own drinking. She’d chosen AA for herself before, and she could un-choose it.

She regained her composure quickly, though. Lena had definitely been working too much, and it was time to distract her and make sure she ate something. She wasn’t convinced she’d eaten once today, despite the plethora of restaurants that would deliver straight to her nearby.

“I got your favorites. Take a break and eat, please?” she requested, starting to assemble plates for the both of them. “No offense, but you look like hell.”

Yes, that’s how she felt about it. There had been a moment of indulgence when it came to Serefin’s generous offer of wine in his cellar but that was that - Lena moved forward. She had to. Otherwise she’d be simmering in all her flaws and short-comings, obsessing over every twist and turn and how very wrong they’d been under crushing pressure.

Work had been her next obsession, half under the guise of catching up. But even she knew that was a crutch.

So, in the spirit of growth, she took a deep breath. Closed her laptop. Rubbed her eyes, as if that would help with the irritating dryness that yielded from staring at the screen for hours on end. “I’ve been told even when I look like hell I still belong in a magazine,” Lena snorted and tried on a bleary smile. “No offense taken. Thank you for dinner.”

Any tension Alex had been carrying after that seeped out of her, and she smiled back. “No problem.” She pushed Lena’s laptop properly aside to replace it with a plate full of food, chopsticks included, then pressed a kiss to her temple. “And you’re correct, you do still belong in a magazine at all times. Lucky me.”

She still had moments she couldn’t quite believe where they’d ended up. She’d had a silly crush on Lena forever - because she was hot, why wouldn’t she? - but she’d assumed it would be Kara or no one, if she was honest. Maybe it was all by virtue of being left alone together when Kara disappeared, but she’d take it. She was happy with Lena in a way she hadn’t been able to touch with Kelly, even when things felt off in the way they had lately.

“No more working for the rest of the night, okay? You need a break,” Alex told her firmly, shifting the chair next to her even closer before she took a seat at the counter to eat.

Another oddity - being the one to enforce breaks and make sure someone else was taking the time to take care of themselves, when she’d been the one in need of Kara to do the same until the last few years. She knew exactly where Lena was coming from when she dove into her work like this, and she always made sure she didn’t get away with it for long.

Lena hadn’t really realized the extent of her own hunger until Alex presented her the food. The smell - ugh, it had her mouth watering, made her stomach rumble out a noise. Chinese takeout had that effect. A plate of noodles, a honey-sesame chicken that was sweet and a little tangy. She might even dive into it ungracefully for once.

“Yes, dear,” she chuckled, positioning the chopsticks between her fingers. “I’m done. I’ve mostly caught up anyway - and you’re much better for my eyes than a laptop screen.”

Gods, she missed her. Missed her horribly, the air of tension around them be damned. Lena leaned over, pressing a kiss to her clothed shoulder and letting her lips rest there just because.

Alex hadn’t even gotten a bite in when Lena leaned into her, and her heart stuttered in her chest. She dropped her chopsticks onto her plate, wrapping her free arm around Lena and dropping a kiss on top of her head. “Have I told you I’m glad you’re home today? Because I am. I hated you being gone.”

There was nothing she could do about it, not really. Just like, hard as she’d tried, there had really been nothing Lena could do when Alex was back in ancient times. She knew that. That didn’t make it easier. It hadn’t stopped her from drinking and feeling guilty (first that she couldn’t help, then that she was drinking, finally morphing into some combination of the two). She still felt guilty now, for the drinking and for being so defensive and for being utterly useless.

But having Lena home helped. At least here Alex could watch over her and protect her, to an extent. She’d rather have the weird lingering tension that they desperately needed to resolve than have the home they shared together feeling so empty - even Mermista didn’t fill the void Lena left behind when she was gone.

“Love you,” she murmured through another kiss against dark hair.

Lena wanted to bask in this. She did - but for a few seconds at best. These wholesome moments with Alex are what she lived for. Completely mundane, and normal, and just the two of them with this found happiness they shared together here. Now, it was tainted by this festering guilt that was eating away at her like acid. It didn’t let her enjoy these moments of bliss. Withholding the information wasn’t doing her any favors.

It was constantly making her feel worse.

And it’s not like she had the intention of keeping it a secret forever. But then getting yanked into some horrid escape room hellhole situation halted things, and she had to come back and catch up on work and then Alex’s drinking had her worried. Was there ever going to be a good time to fess up?

The answer, Lena realized, was an unfortunate no. The whispered love you drove it home for her.

“I, ah…” She lifted her head and tucked some hair behind her ear, nervous, as she looked Alex in the eye. “I want to talk to you about something. But I need you to not drink. At all. Do you understand?”

Alex instantly tensed again. After her conversation with Mobius, she’d been particularly sensitive about her drinking - part of why she’d been so quick to get defensive when Lena commented on the six-pack she’d brought home. She knew deep down that she shouldn’t be drinking, but hearing it from another source tended to go over badly.

But this - well, if it was what Alex had been dwelling on, too, she wasn’t going to protest. She wanted Lena to talk to her openly without fear of her snapping. So, she nodded, willing herself to relax again and meet Lena’s gaze.

“No drinking,” she replied solemnly. She hadn’t even cracked her beer bottle open yet, and if it was that important to Lena, she wouldn’t. She could go without, even if she wanted it. She gave Lena her best encouraging smile. “What’s going on, sweetie?”

Seconds ago her stomach had been rumbling ravenously, and now it had quieted. The hunger was gone. Temporarily, perhaps - but it was now replaced with this uncomfortably, heavy weight that settled deep into her gut. Lena shifted in her stool and spun it around to face her better, hand settling on her arm.

“It’s nothing tragic,” she assured with a wry smile - something to hide her nerves, the guilt. “I assure you. It’s - something that has to do with what I remember from back home. About…” Here goes. “You and Kelly?”

“Oh.” Alex had suspected something along those lines, but she hadn’t wondered too deeply about it. She tried not to wonder about Kelly, or the state of their relationship back home, much at all if she could help it. She had a feeling she knew how it was going because she knew herself and how she had felt about the entire situation, but dwelling in that hadn’t done her any good. She had to focus on here and now and what she had with Lena.

That didn’t mean she wasn’t curious. The scientist part of her brain wanted to know what was going on, how this timeline that totally differed from the one she was living now had ended up.

“Nothing tragic, so… what is it?” she asked quietly.

“From what I saw you…” Lena shrugged a shoulder. “Have a happy ending.”

That sounded final. It wasn’t, not technically - she didn’t see the years of their lives after Lex and Nyxly, or what the consequences of Kara’s decision would yield. They were all young, so much ahead of them still. But she knew in her gut that she wouldn’t get anymore memory updates from their timeline back home and if they did, it wouldn’t be for a very long time.

A breath was exhaled before continuing. “You and Kelly adopt a Dyralian orphan, Esme. The two of you love her. Very much. We all do. She was the flower girl in your wedding, and you and Kelly asked me to be her godmother. Of course I said yes, I’d be stupid not to, and the three of you really make a beautiful family.”

It’s what Alex deserved there, and she felt so stupid for having kept those details from her. It was selfish. Selfish because she wanted what Kelly had, and Theo seemed to prove that she would - but seeing Alex have that life back home with someone else gave her heart an unbearable ache.

No matter how much mental preparation Alex had done, knowing that eventually a moment like this - if not exactly this - was forthcoming, she wasn’t ready for everything Lena told her. She wasn’t ready to hear that she and Kelly were still together, married, moms. She had expected it; she knew herself, and she knew that she would throw herself into her relationship with Kelly as hard as she could, because it did work. They got along, they liked spending time together, they held so many of the same beliefs.

They just weren’t in love. Or, well, Alex wasn’t. It had taken her the unexpected distance Vallo had granted them and a long time of thinking and drinking and dwelling and beating herself up, to accept that, but she knew it was the truth. She had jumped headlong into being with Kelly because it was easy, and she did love her, and she knew it would work. For a while if not forever.

She was silent for a couple of long minutes before she exhaled, folding her hands together in her lap. “I don’t know what to say,” she admitted quietly. “I feel like… I’m sorry. That you had to see all of that.”

“No apologies,” Lena insisted, and she was smiling this very genuine smile that was also every bit sad. Tears blurred her vision and before they spilled, she dabbed the corner of her eyes. “Now that I’m talking about it out loud it sounds selfish that I didn’t say anything. What you have back home - it’s a good thing.”

It was the last thing Alex had to say sorry for. Maybe she and Kelly wouldn’t work out down the road - maybe it wasn’t built to last the way Alex would like. But there was no doubt in her mind that in that moment of their lives she was happy.

After breathing out a shaky sigh, she reached over to squeeze her hand. “I’m the one that should be sorry. It just hurt to see, and then there was so much going on and so much that I remembered and I didn’t know how to say it, and then ever since I came back from Vallo’s latest kidnapping stunt, you were… really worrying me, Alex. You still are worrying me.”

Alex automatically squeezed back when Lena’s hand slipped into hers. She didn’t think it was selfish, really. Worrying, yeah. She’d worried - that something was wrong, something bad had happened, even after Lena had assured her that wasn’t the case. But she thought she could understand why it would be hard for her to discuss what she’d seen. Seeing Alex happy with Kelly when they had their own relationship here, it couldn’t feel good, even if she wanted it to.

“I do wish you’d told me. But, I mean.” She sighed and shook her head, shamefaced. She had known Lena was worried, but she just hadn’t cared. She hadn’t brought it up, so Alex had taken that as carte blanche to keep doing what she was doing, even though she knew she shouldn’t. Especially after Mobius had aggressively pointed it out. “This is how I cope with shit I can’t control. You probably did the right thing.”

That was ultimately what this was all about, she was aware of that. She couldn’t control what Vallo did to them. She couldn’t control what happened back home. What she could control was drinking. Maybe not the amount, when she was well and truly in it, but she always had the choice. She could pick up a bottle, a glass - whatever it was - whenever she wanted and nothing could stop that but her.

“You think you can control something like this - the drinking,” Lena said with a gentle kind of firmness. There was a plea tossed in there somewhere too. Like she hoped Alex would finally listen. “Until you can’t. Until it’s the only crutch you have, and nothing else works because you haven’t tried coping any other way. I’m worried about you. I don’t want this to get worse. I… want the future we were shown here. Us, and our lego-obsessed little boy with the cutest pointed ears and our friends.”

But none of that was promised. Timelines varied, and futures weren’t always set in stone, and maybe they’d never get to that point with Theo. Maybe one of them would be ripped away from Vallo, or both, and they’d head back home without any recollection of their lives there. Lena was going to make a goddamn effort for this life here in Vallo. And Alex needed to, too.

If she still wanted it with her.

“I want that, too,” Alex was quick to assure her, hooking her ankles around the legs of her stool and dragging it even closer. Their knees touched now, and she made sure to make eye contact with Lena. “I want that life with you. What I have at home… It sounds nice, yes. I can’t say it doesn’t. But it isn’t what I want anymore. What I want is to be here, Lena, with you and with Theo.”

There was a little bit of frenetic energy going on here. The idea of losing what she and Lena had built here, what it had taken them months to accept and embrace, terrified her. But she absolutely meant what she said. She heard what Lena was saying. She was listening. She knew everything she’d said was true - had been true when Mobius said it during his last visit, too - and she just hadn’t wanted to hear it.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, staring down at their joined hands, her hair falling into her eyes. She felt like a complete asshole; she had for a while, but she’d been covering it up with defensiveness and now those defenses were finally down. “The last thing I wanted was to make you worry, but… I know that’s really all I’ve done. I hear you now, okay? I promise. And I’ll be better.”

This closeness wasn’t enough. Lena needed more. So did Alex, judging from - everything. She stood, and the legs of her stool screeched against the floors as she pushed it back. Her arms went around Alex to squeeze, to hold onto tightly, to cling and wish that they could be fused into one being for just this moment.

Admittedly, yes, there was a part of her afraid that she was on the precipice of losing Alex for keeping this from her. Or that she’d realize it really was Kelly that she wanted all along, and not the black sheep of the Luthor family. Alex reassuring her was so desperately needed that she may have shed a few tears.

“I love you,” she whispered hoarsely, burying her face into the short crop of her hair to breathe her in. “I love you, Alex. I’m never going anywhere. Not by choice. Whatever you need from me - you’ll have it. I promise.”

Alex didn’t hesitate to wrap Lena up tight in her arms. “You are everything I need,” she whispered fiercely. She didn’t want Lena doubting that, not for a single second. After what she’d seen back home, she could understand there being some doubts, but Alex had none. She knew she’d made the right decision for herself. She knew, even though it was never something she’d expected or given a great amount of though to at home, that this was it for her - this life she’d made with Lena, as long as Vallo decided to hold them.

If Theo was still where the timeline was leading, that meant they still had quite a few years here. It was hard in some ways - not knowing if she’d ever see her sister, her mom, or her friends ever again, never knowing how long she’d really stay here - but it was all she wanted.

“I love you so much,” she murmured, pressing a kiss to Lena’s forehead and looking into her eyes. She brushed the tears off her cheeks and fixed her with an intense I mean what I’m saying look. “I’m not going anywhere either. The drinking… it stops. It never should have started again.”

“I can’t blame you for the reason - I drank an embarrassing amount of wine with Serefin in his cellar after we got back,” Lena admitted sheepishly. That entire stunt with the rooms and puzzles really wasn’t her best. There was so much failure, and stress, and this was right after her brain was smacked with all those new memories. “Recovery isn’t some linear path either, Alex. If you slip up - there’s people to catch you.”

Like Mobius, who’d been worried endlessly about her, unafraid to confront Alex and toss truths into her face. He did it out of love, though. He always would.

She dove in for a kiss, though. It was needy, a sharp inhale through her nose, and her hands went to firmly cradle Alex’s face. They hadn’t stopped kissing despite everything that had happened but this one felt so liberating; passionate and certain.

Of course Alex knew that. Nothing about how she dealt with alcohol had ever been linear, and being here in Vallo the first time she tried her best to kick the habit maybe made it harder. She had Lena and Mobius for support, and she loved them for that. But the one person she needed in her corner most wasn’t around. And when she thought about that, it made it feel even harder.

Right now, though, she didn’t have to think at all. Not when Lena leaned in and started kissing her like that. One hand slipped into silky dark locks while the other pressed against the small of her girlfriend’s back, keeping her close. It had been a while since Lena kissed her like this, and she fell into it, until all that was in her head, filling every one of her senses was Lena Lena Lena.

Lena didn’t hesitate to deepen it either, wedging herself between Alex’s legs as she remained on the stool - and, yes, her hands did drop from her face to roam. Over her shoulders, slipping down her sides. She may have forgotten they were supposed to actually eat dinner.

But her appetite had other things in mind.

The kiss broke for a gulp of air, and she bore witness to the mess of lipstick smeared over Alex’s mouth. It was her favorite look. “I know we haven’t spent a lot of time apart since I got back but - I missed you,” she whispered quietly. “It sounds a little silly but I did. I really did.”

Alex chuckled, this sound that was somehow a little dark but still so light. “I missed you too, baby,” she murmured, the admission falling easily from her lips. “I think I proved that pretty damn effectively.” It was the closest she’d felt to that broken down person she’d been for years - before the D.E.O., before she got over herself and got her shit together and found things to focus on other than what a failure she was destined to be.

“There are other ways to prove it,” Lena quipped, kissing those smudged lips again - this time a little softer despite her clearly provocative suggestion. “Maybe once we’ve actually had some dinner in our system? And this -”

The beer bottle. The six pack that Alex brought home. That was why she made herself pull away from her. They were snatched up and then viciously shoved down their trash can. Like with a huffy shove, as if she was pouting at it.

Alex was a little surprised by the relief that crashed over her when Lena very pointedly and forcefully trashed the fresh six-pack she’d brought home. It felt oddly freeing, to have it gone. No more temptation - and she definitely wasn’t desperate enough of an alcoholic to dig beer out of the trash to feed the craving. It was as good as gone like that.

“Well, I guess I’ll just grab a bottle of water to have with our dinner,” she commented with a grin. She passed Lena as she circled the counter to get to the refrigerator and paused to press a kiss to her cheek. “Get eating so I can prove to you exactly how much I missed you. Soon.”

It felt good to trash it. Lena didn’t think Alex had the desperation to dig through it either - otherwise she would have emptied every bottle one by one down the drain before dumping. But water would work perfectly because hydration was important, that was just science.

“Mmm,” she hummed as her eyes followed her girlfriend’s journey to the fridge for something non-alcoholic. They were bedroom eyes, sharp and seductive. “I can’t wait to go down on you with some heavy Chinese food breath, darling.”

Lena thought she was funny. And sexy.

That was probably the unsexiest thing Alex had ever heard. The funny part worked, though, because she couldn’t resist laughing. “Just for that, I’m making sure you drink one of those tiny mouthwash bottles before you come anywhere near me.”

The water bottles went on the counter in front of their plates, one for each of them. But before she sat down, she leaned in close again for a long, lingering kiss. It wasn’t overtly sexually charged, a little more tender than that, but simmered with heated promises of what’s to come.

And who, specifically - once she had Lena in their bed.

“Now eat, I mean it,” she murmured. “You’ll need sustenance to keep up with me.”

Fine, perhaps it was the unsexiest thing to say but that didn’t seem to deter Alex anyway. Thank god. Imagine killing the mood in such an embarrassingly dorky way. But their emotions were elevated into this happy high, and while this wasn’t some quick-fix to everything they were going through - it was a start. Lena had a heavy weight lifted from her heart. Alex was going to stop with the alcohol before it got worse.

She still wanted her, despite what her future held back home in the arms of someone else. Chinese Food breath in relation to oral sex couldn’t put a damper on that.

The chopsticks found a home between her fingers, though before she dove in and recognized that the hunger for sustenance hadn’t been obliterated Alex kissed her. She wouldn’t protest a kiss like that, ever. “Fine, but stop kissing me so we can actually finish a meal - because if you keep that up we’re not going to.”