lance alvarez (powpowpow) wrote in valloic, @ 2021-09-22 11:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | !: action/thread/log, ₴ inactive: lance alvarez |
Despite having had no plans to attend and only signing up last minute at the behest of Keith, Lance found himself mostly enjoying the whole university thing. He still wasn't quite sure what his end goal was, mostly because he had trouble imagining a long term life in Vallo. It wasn't as though Vallo was terrible, it was just - different. But classes were alright enough and he'd even found a group of people in each of his classes to chat with before and after, get together for group projects and study sessions.
And really anything to keep busy, to keep him from ending up with too much time to think, was a good thing in Lance's books these days. To keep at bay the things he couldn't find a voice for, couldn't find a way to reconcile, that would push at the edges of his mind if he stopped too long, lingered too much in the quiet.
It was with a girl from one of said groups that he ended up heading to some of the autumn festivities after class with. Which was how he found himself getting dragged from the fun of food to the less fun of psychic readings. Something that he wasn't quite sure about, but Rayella had thrown him a flirty smile and a come on it won't be that bad as she'd dragged him by the hand toward the tent and well, Lance was always a sucker for a pretty smile.
Rayella sat close to him as the woman in front of them gave her reading, and as much as Lance knew magic was a thing he couldn't help but feel there wasn't much in it that anyone couldn't guess about a university student. Cusp of new adventures, new connections… Pretty standard stuff if you asked him.
So he figured it wouldn't be that bad when the woman's eyes moved to him. Figured he'd get the same and then they could get out of there and find some food.
"Maybe you're my new adventure," he couldn't help but shoot at Rayella with a flirty tone and a smug smirk as he set his hand on the table for the psychic to take. All easy smiles now that he knew what to expect.
Except the look in the woman's eyes immediately changed as she took Lance's hand and his smiles faded quickly. A sinking feeling of dread started to form in the pit of his stomach.
There was a prickling sensation that started to creep up the back of his neck as the woman let out a shuddering breath, Rayella's worried eyes on him barely even noticed. His mouth dry and he wanted to snatch his hand back but found himself unable to move, frozen under the panic that started to seep in.
"You… I sense… I feel... " the woman paused. "Loss." She glanced up at Lance and Lance swallowed hard. "Great loss. People close to you, one very close but - " she paused again and Lance wanted to throw up as he watched her duck her head and shudder slightly, clearly affected by whatever she was feeling from Lance. "More than that, more than I've ever…"
Lance snatched his hand back like it had been burnt. The dread in his stomach grew, and he couldn't keep at bay the vivid memories of hearing countless beings scream out as Honverva destroyed world after world. It rang in his ears, blocked out the gentle and worried are you alright that came from Rayella at his side.
The dread mingled with the grief, the kind of grief that kept him up at nights, that demanded to be seen at any moment he dared to stop long enough for the thoughts to take hold. The grief of watching the entirety of existence being torn apart right in front of his eyes. The sheer pain of loss that lingered in his very being even after they'd managed to set it all right.
"I -" he started, eyes darting wildly around the tent that somehow felt way too small and Lance struggled to catch his breath. "I - I can't, I gotta go… I'm sorry," the last mumbled to Rayella as he stumbled over the chair in a bid to get up and all but ran out of the tent, ignoring the voices calling after him.
He tried to shove it back. To bury it under anything else but it'd already taken hold. The ringing in his ears, the spots in his vision, the god awful feeling of hopelessness and anger, of panic and fear that started to pull him over.
Lance spotted a pavilion nearby and sprinted toward it, and if he shoved into anyone he honestly wasn't even sure. He pushed open the door to the washroom, immediately grateful it was the one person kind. His hands shook as he locked it after him. His breath was in ragged gasps and he paced the small stall, hands pulling hard at his hair.
It was too much. Way too much. Like the dam and been opened and everything he tried so fucking hard to keep at bay suddenly washing over him in waves, dragging him under. It was more than Allura, more than the allies they'd lost along the way. It was the unfathomable feeling of loss that watching Honerva literally destroy everything right in front of them had ingrained in him. The very fabric of the universe crying out in pain.
His back hit the door and he slid down, curled into himself and tried not to black out from the lack of oxygen as his breathing got harder and harder. He thought maybe he was crying, but he wasn't sure. It was just a black hole of nothingness that threatened to drag him completely under. An awful, terrible, black hole of pain and loss.
His fingers tingled. And it was that which finally started to bring him back around. A sensation to focus on to ground himself to something that wasn't the dread and anxiety. His fingers tingled. He wiggled them, one at a time. Slowly he started to push focus to the rise and fall of his chest, slowing down the ragged breaths he'd fallen into.
His phone buzzed in his pocket. The tap dripped from across the stall. He breathed in and out with long inhales and exhales, a pause in the middle.
Slowly the awful panicked feelings ebbed and Lance stood off the floor (which, he realized in hindsight, was probably gross as fuck and he should probably burn the clothes he was wearing). He fumbled out his phone and cleared the notifications without looking at the content - knowing it was most likely all from Rayella after that little display and he couldn't handle reading it right then. He tapped the top of his phone against his forehead and let out a sigh. So much for that afternoon with a pretty girl from class.
Almost instinctively though he started rattling through his list of distractions, of the things he could do, the people he could bug, the anything to keep from lingering too long on what had just happened. A coping strategy he'd fallen into since even before he'd ended up in the far reaches of space with nothing but the clothes on his back. He settled on buy Keith some cat toys and see what happens, remembered he had the block party thing in a few hours, figured that would keep him nice and busy until later in the evening.
He washed his face in the sink, the cool water doing wonders to finish bringing him back to the present moment. He glanced up to look at himself in the mirror and flashed a grin. Yeah, it was passable. Looked enough like he didn't have a care in the world, looked enough like he felt normal and hadn't just fallen apart. He dried off his face and rubbed at his eyes, the blue marks underneath, and exited the bathroom into the light of the day once more.