I don't know what to tell you, lad. I'm not a counselor. The only thing I can suggest is pulling yourself up by the scruff of your own neck if you have to. Because no one else is going to be able to do that for you.
After the appropriate amount of grieving, that is.
It comes from a lifetime of the Scottish School of Hard Knocks. You fall down, you get yourself up again and keep right on going.
Sorry I can't be of more help. I can't fix people and so I don't rightly know how to respond to intensely personal things such as the questions you're posing.