Here's where I rub my thumb and index finger around the curl of my sophisticated handlebar moustache, tip my tophat at you, and say bwahaha.
The thought actually does make me sad, though slathering on mayonnaise isn't the worst idea ever, really. If I'm particularly nice when I ask, and offer to sample your jam again, would you put on extra meat and mayonnaise, so it tastes like delightfulness and heart disease? Because that would be brilliant.