Because life isn't black and white! There are no absolutes. That's why. If you keep doing it, keep killing people like you did to those people in Mexico who were horrible people and no one is denying that. But if that is going to be the only answer available, then you can claim justice and righteousness all you want. It won't change the fact that it's still murder.
Usually when people lose control? They apologise after realising it as opposed to running away and then saying nothing and trying to pretend it never happened. I'm glad you're learning control but that doesn't change those facts either.