InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "READY YOUR LADLES!"

Dani Moonstar's a survivor (ms_moonstar) wrote in valarnet,
@ 2014-02-10 10:12:00

Entry tags:

commander tyra shepard, dani moonstar (mirage)

This time last year, I was in a very bad place. I won't get into details over how bad a place it was, but it was so far down that it's had a pretty profound effect on my life for the last year. I ran away from my life and these dreams and the powers the dreams gave me... pretty much escaped to alcohol and in the end even some drugs.

When I realised how bad it was, and that I'd run away from every single person who could have helped me, I only had one person left to turn to.

That man was Urdnot Wrex. He funded my way through rehab and gave me a job when I moved back. He was my sponsor, and my friend, and a large part of my support system. Now that he's moved on to other things, it's up to people like me to take on that mantle. So here we go:

When Urdnot Ranch was rebuilt last year, its focus was not just to help at-risk children realise they could make better choices. Urdnot Ranch is also an outreach center for any dreamers, like me, who are having a time handling the dreams and powers/magic/etc they might be getting from them. We have counselors, we have people who can help train you, we have some extra beds if you need a place to stay, we have many other ways we can help you.

The only thing Wrex ever asked of me was that I pay it forward by volunteering at the ranch and helping other people. If your life is bringing you so far down that you need help climbing out of it, please come to us. We'll do what we can to get you through this, and there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you.

(Post a new comment)

	Private the_commander 2014-02-10 08:09 pm UTC (link)
	Thanks, hon. Sometimes we lose sight of what it's all about. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 08:15 pm UTC (link)
	I'm just doing what I can. I think people forget that we're a resource, and with new dreamers every day it's about time we reminded them. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Private the_commander 2014-02-10 08:16 pm UTC (link)
	I've definitely fallen on the ball about htat. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 08:17 pm UTC (link)
	Wrex left in a hurry and then your girlfriend was fighting cancer. I think you had enough on your plate, don't beat yourself up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Private the_commander 2014-02-10 08:19 pm UTC (link)
	Lets just blame Scott. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 08:20 pm UTC (link)
	Seriously. He's been such a slacker lately. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Private the_commander 2014-02-10 08:43 pm UTC (link)
	I think he needs a girlfriend. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 08:47 pm UTC (link)
	Rachel would probably agree with us. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Private the_commander 2014-02-10 08:50 pm UTC (link)
	We should set him up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 08:53 pm UTC (link)
	Who do we know that's available? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Private the_commander 2014-02-10 09:01 pm UTC (link)
	Sigrund? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 09:31 pm UTC (link)
	Oh man, that's perfect. They'll either get along or they'll shoot each other. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Re: Private the_commander 2014-02-10 10:21 pm UTC (link)
	Exactly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-10 10:25 pm UTC (link)
	We definitely need to do this. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	Private obi1 2014-02-11 08:14 am UTC (link)
	I'm glad he was able to help you. Sincerely. I wish I had been able to, but I know what it's like to hit the bottom. It's a miracle when we allow anyone to help us, after a certain point. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Private

ms_moonstar
2014-02-11 08:55 am UTC (link)

This is going to sound kind of corny, but back when I first started rehab, my main goal was actually to try and become the kind of person you could respect again. I knew I'd lost it by running away and all that drunken shouting.

It's why I couldn't turn to you, then. And after a few weeks there, I realised that I couldn't do it for you, or because of you. That's what I meant when I said I had to forget you. I had to do it for myself, or I knew I'd never get there.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Private

obi1
2014-02-11 09:11 am UTC (link)

It doesn't sound remotely corny. If I was ever a motivation for you to recover, even for a few minutes, I'm glad I helped you get to a point where you wanted to do it for yourself instead. I don't mind being nothing more than a bridge. Really.

For what it's worth, you've been an inspiration to me, lately. You've come such a long way since you returned. This post truly summarizes the growth we've all been able to see. I think you finally see it, as well; and that makes me proud. And happy.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-11 06:06 pm UTC (link)
	I'm really glad that we can talk to each other like this. And I'm... really glad that you're proud of me. More than glad. Words aren't really working for me right now and I'm scared of saying the wrong one and ruining this again. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Private

obi1
2014-02-11 06:49 pm UTC (link)

I'm glad we can talk like this, too. And I'm sorry I was a horse's arse when you returned. It was difficult to process. Maybe neither of us was very patient as I worked my way through it, but fighting it out helped to exercise some of that anger. ~~And I think I still had other feelings for you, which I realize now was understandable, but I didn't want to have them. It never changed what I felt for Faiza...but it was an interruption.~~

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Private

ms_moonstar
2014-02-11 07:13 pm UTC (link)

I know I was less than patient with you. I think mainly I expected you... Well I expected you to get the closure you needed, rave to me about how happy you were without me and then write me off. But it wasn't that simple or easy for either of us. I know I threw some mixed signals at you. We were a huge part of each other's life, there was more there to process than I think I realised.

I think we're okay, now.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private obi1 2014-02-12 05:49 am UTC (link)
	I don't think it's possible to obtain closure and write someone off at the same time. They contradict one another. At least, I don't think I'm capable of it. There was more I had to process, too, and it hit my quite suddenly. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-12 07:12 pm UTC (link)
	I think mostly it was that I didn't consider myself worthy of anything but your contempt, even when I came back. So when you were still expressing concern, I was just confused. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been. You're you, and your emotions are never simple like that. That's a compliment. And I did show back up pretty suddenly, yeah. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Private

obi1
2014-02-12 07:55 pm UTC (link)

Perhaps because I've been in situations where I didn't want others to forgive me, I understood the feeling too well, so I couldn't accept that destructive behavior from you. Or perhaps, on some level, it was wrong of me to what to help you. I'm not sure. The circumstances were complicated. And I still have difficulty trusting my instincts the way I once did. The truth is, and I've made peace with it, is that part of me is broken. Healed, perhaps, but always broken beneath the mend.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Private

ms_moonstar
2014-02-12 08:03 pm UTC (link)

It's understandable. And it helped... I fought it at first, but it did help, anyway. I never would have gotten through all of this if someone hadn't been stubborn enough to clash with me on whether or not I needed people in my life to support me.

So thank you for that.

And... It's okay, you know. Obi, we're all a little broken inside. I think when it's all said and done, being together like we were and even breaking up the way we did. All of the stuff that happened after, well, it helped us both make our peace with that and maybe start healing.

It all worked out eventually. Or it will, I hope.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private obi1 2014-02-13 04:28 am UTC (link)
	When you need someone to out-stubborn you, you know where to turn. Like I said, I've made peace with being broken. Perhaps not total peace. Oddly enough, being turned into a cat helped. A man who gets himself hexed has to evaluate the way he's living his life. I nearly lost Faiza. Having Padme and Anakin close also helps. I can tell Shepherd helps you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-14 12:47 am UTC (link)
	Yes sir. salutes I'm really glad that you have them here with you now, you know. And Faiza, too. She's a sweetheart. Shepard does help. I think I help her, too, so at least we're mutually needy? I like feeling like I'm needed, and I'm starting to be okay with knowing that I need someone else sometimes. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private obi1 2014-02-14 06:14 am UTC (link)
	Realizing you need someone else is only the first step. Behaving like you trust someone else is the difficult part. I still find myself forcing myself to go against the urge to, I don't know, become a hermit. Living in the cabin satisfies some of that, thankfully. I'm lucky Faiza's willing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Private

ms_moonstar
2014-02-14 07:44 am UTC (link)

I think my main trust issue is the part where I just expect someone not to stick around.

And then I went and did that to you. I don't want to rehash all of that, but I know it was wrong. I said I was sorry before, I meant it then, still mean it.

I know Shepard isn't going anywhere. But she might die. That's the big fear. That they die. I'm still dealing with that.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private obi1 2014-02-14 08:11 am UTC (link)
	And I'm sorry that I walked away from that door. My temper won out. No, really it was my fear, the same fear as you--that people leave, that I'm not enough to keep them around. I guess I decided to beat you to it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-15 12:46 am UTC (link)
	But we can't dwell on the past. Let's just try and look forward, alright? You and Faiza have a good future. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: Private

obi1
2014-02-15 04:28 am UTC (link)

I have regrets about more then one relationship in my past. Different kinds of regrets, different kinds of relationships. I have regrets about times when I've hurt Faiza. But...there's something about this one that's sticking. Faiza's become so important to me.

Hm, you once asked me to gush about her and I refused. The truth is, I've been holding onto a ring for some time, waiting for the right moment.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private ms_moonstar 2014-02-15 05:15 am UTC (link)
	Only you can know when the right time to give it to her is. What I can say is that I recognize my arrival might have thrown that off for you, and I'm sorry for that, too. I'm happy for you, though. Genuinely. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Private obi1 2014-02-15 06:24 am UTC (link)
	Thank you. I'm happy for you, too. (Reply to this) (Parent)