wanderer doesn't want to be a parasite (soulful) wrote in valarnet,
I'm sorry if this is rude or impertinent, Enjolras, but I've been reading your posts here on the net and each time I do I feel I should say something. I know we're not friends, exactly -- I'm more of a hanger-on, I know, and I know I have no place in your group of friends, but I think you are a good person and friend and to see you struggle so much makes me sad.
I think you're too hard on yourself -- you can't control what you did in your past life, and to berate yourself for that man's actions is simply unkind. You may be that man's reincarnation, or maybe you are him, in another life, and maybe you were the one making those decisions -- but what can you do about them now? What's done is done. You have to remind yourself that this is where you live, now, that the only actions you can really own are the ones you make in this life. Worry about that, not the things you can't change. And most importantly, if your friends can forgive you, you should try to forgive yourself. I know it's hard -- I struggle with that too, though on a much smaller scale. Guilt is a hard thing to let go of. But if your friends truly love you, they will hold you accountable when that is what you need, and will forgive you when you have made amends.
I hope I haven't been rude. And I'm sorry if you feel like I've got you wrong, I just needed to say something. I hate to see someone I like hurting.