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In that case then, why is it so bad that I experience that life? The slipping away, I understand the dangers in it, and that is why Combeferre is helping me to come out again, and to identify what causes those, but beyond attempting to find some control and identify the triggers of those states, there is very little I can do for them, or for wishing to be in a place where things make sense to me.
That is, in fact, the reason that I wish to be there. I have no idea what to do with anything in this world, I have no idea where I might go to find that so that I can be safe again, and feel at ease. Obviously, there is no way back so I am doing my best to function here, to find a place similar enough that I can understand it, even when I know how bizarre that it is. It is not a matter of people, and has never been a matter of the people in this life, who have been kind to me, but a matter of wishing to be somewhere that things make even the smallest bit of SENSE. Wishing doesn't mean that I am going to get it. People in Hell want ice water and I know I'm never going to see my barricade or the Musain again. The fact I won't is far more terrfying than almost anything else, save for the night I woke up from the dream of the barricade and found my friends missing. That I can't get to the barricade again is the second worst thing that has ever happened to me, and fearing I was separated from them was the worst. Ever.
They are real, not phantasms and represent a real life, a true one, that I need to adjust to never seeing again. If I am grieving for it, then I'm grieving for it, and I am told that it has no time table.
Please, suggest more things that I might throw myself into, because God knows I have not been stretching to the limit this semester as it is. I would absolutely love to get even less sleep than I currently have because I've been judged lacking in some way, shape or form that I will never measure up to in your eyes. I highly doubt that many people would.
If you have some suggestion for a cure because I'm broken in your eyes, or wrong, or evil or whatever else you will, please DO feel free to suggest cures you think will end up fixing my condition. God knows that you're the self appointed expert on my life and my experiences, so I can expect little else from that.