Hikaru Sulu (parking_brake) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-05-10 02:42:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, hikaru sulu, pavel checkov |
"Do they give flea dips at Planned Parenthood again?"
Who: Hikaru Sulu, Pavel Chekov (Pavel needs a tag, can't seem to add him in for some odd reason! nm, IJ is made of 110% retardiation.)
What: Hangovers, drinking pwned by a 17 year old, and who knew these two were...catty...a couple of gossip mongers...so opinionated?
When: Tonight. (zomg I'm caught up with editing finally <3)
Where: Las Vegas
Rating: PG13, language
Status: Complete!
In the bathtub of the hotel room, lay Sulu. His tie was askew, there was a some sort of postcard about 'personal escorts' sticking out of a pocket, and he was wondering why he woke up with a bad taste in his mouth. That bad taste might've been because Mr. Designated Driver was a lightweight with three and a half light beers, who'd been out drank by a 17 year old sucking down vodka. And that last half a beer had him losing that dollar hotdog he'd drunken munched down on somewhere in the blur of celebrating their big roulette win.
Yes, a real hot dog, with mustard, not a pseudonym for anything else. Eeesh.
Sucking down vodka for the first time, yet, we'll keep that in mind. Pavel frowned as he moved back into the bathroom with some aspirins and another bottle of water. "Come on." he said, not seeming to feel it himself yet. "This should help."
Sulu let out a miserable groan and held out his hand for the aspirin. He missed putting them in his mouth and slapped them against his face the first time, before they somehow were smeared into his mouth. Then he took the water and almost poured it down on his shirt, finally learned how to aim, and began to drink. He nodded like that? Was good. He is eternally thankful, to the kid who put him to damn shame because he has the liver of a freakin' cricket.
"Wow, I feel like ass." Not as in 'he needs some', just that he felt like a bag of smashed assholes.
And the kid who put him to shame is just smiling sympathetically. "Well, now we know what not to do again at least." Pavel told him, then, because he thought of it, went to wet a washcloth that he rubbed over Sulu's face. "Does this even work for hangovers? We should find out." Ohhh myyy. "If Kirk's around tonight it might happen again. And Scotty would say to have another in the morning but...if I do that, I think I'll puke again." Eyedart went Sulu. "Uhh, I guess that's working." Because now he felt like damp ass.
Cool, damp ass.
Well, it was better than feeling like hot, dry ass? Maybe. "That is good at least." Pavel frowned a little. "The internet says bloody marys but then that IS mixing grains, isn't it? And they say to avoid that so...." How can he be so fucking CHIPPER? Why is he not at least asleep by now? Mysteries.
Well, yeah, hot dry ass might chafe. That's what Sulu's looking at him like, like Pavel? Is kind of...maybe he's not human. "You sure this is the first time you've been drinking, ever? Because the next time you ever see me reaching for anything that isn't sake, knock it out of my hand." Because if it was sake, it'd take one tiny sake cup for him to get rubber neck and face down on a table, unable to move to drink any more.Where's the man kissing?!
"I will do that." Pavel agreed. "And well. I'm Russian?" he offered as an explanation, with a little shrug. "I do not think we want to imagine what it might take to get me drunk. But I'll keep it in mind." In the meantime well. "Anything else that I can do?"
Sulu's brain could, around its edges, think things that the rest of Sulu didn't want to admit now or in the foreseeable future. Maybe. He thinks. "I think I'm good, thanks. You probably could give Scotty a run for his money." He moved to get out of the bathtub, without moving so fast it felt like his skull was exploding.
And Pavel moved over so he wouldn't be there for Sulu to crash into or anything. And did he need anything to lean or or something? Because he could help with that!
Sulu just grabbed hold of Chekov, eyes shut to stop the feel of gravity pulling him in a downwardly motion.
"Easy..." Pavel urged him, stepping slowly and making sure not to bump into anything himself. "Okay, we have to make a little turn here..."
"Unnghh, why am I such a lightweight," groaned Sulu like this totally sucked and he would never be drinking again. He wouldn't stick to that, however, because the next time people were around, he'd be thinking 'maybe this time will be the time I don't fail at booze.'
He let Pavel guide him around because no way could he focus past wanting to stab himself in the eyesockets with a #2 pencil.
"Well, biology, I guess?" Pavel offered, tugging him over to the bed where he could get onto it. "Lie back. I'll see what else I can do."
Pavel (the ferret) yawned and watched from the dresser, where he'd made a nest.
Okay what? Just...what? Didn't one of those pay per view porn things start like this? Because Sulu swore that it did, maybe the Harry Potter knock off one. It wasn't like he was in any position snerk to protest. Once he was down on the bed, he was...down on the bed. He couldn't even look to the ferret to help. Dammit, he was at the mercy of some seventeen year old master genius math guy who could outdrink him. How did this keep happening? Oh, right. Kirk suggested stuff. Again. Figures.
The Harry Potter one? Well, it had gotten to that point, sure, but that had been in the dungeon, so it must have been Slytherin Seduction or some such thing. And Pavel? Not so much a Slytherin. Maybe. Anyway, he continued being helpful, and sort of like a sexy nurse. Well. if he'd been wearing scrubs.
Sulu was probably that quiet dude who'd be in Hufflepuff, taking cares of teh plants. He wasn't protesting or anything, because...hey, Pavel's just being nice and trying to help. Right? Right. Nothing to spring a porn boner over or anything. If he did that, right now, he'd probably want to kill himself. Luckily, he felt like he'd been run over, the car backed up over him, and then ran over again. Someone get Pavel a sexy nurse skirt, and stat!
Sulu did think to himself, 'Wow, Pavel's pretty cute' because, yeah, he was, but it didn't click in his brain that it should be a thing that maybe he should act on. Somehow. It was hard to think. Or ’hard’ is probably a bad word to use. It was ‘difficult’ to think. There, that's better.
Pavel was cute wasn't he? Right now, he was bending over to mess around in the fridge with something or other so the view was probably quite nice.
Sulu was staring. He's telling himself it's him trying to see into the fridge to see if there was anything to eat in it. It's just unfortunate the view's blocked. And the back of his mind is checking out some fine Russian booty.
"Maybe we should get breakfast," he suggested, before he was handed over anything alcohol related. Or a big bowl of Jail-bait O's.Since he's not even sure if it's right to even notice in the back of his mind or not. Wow, shit got complicated.Damn you, Kirk.
"Breakfast is a good idea." Pavel nodded, "We should do room service I think. So you don't have to leave yet. And they'll have better coffee."
"Not leaving is good." Or was it? Wasn't it? Maybe it was a bad thing. "Or I think I could stand going out. What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger. Right?" Especially if the 'what' in that statement has coffee poured on it, to power it so it isn't killed and thus rendered more strong.
"Well that all depends." Pavel's expression was earnest. "If you think you are all right, we can try." And maybe Sulu could lean on him then. Not that he liked it or anything. Only he did.
Maybe Sulu was finding that would be pretty welcome and not just for the sheer support factor, but he was thinking it wasn't too bad, doing the leaning in on someone, and it felt pretty natural, surprisingly enough. Even though they only met when Pavel got into the van and his mom yelled something about clean underwear.
"Let's try. Hey, maybe some of the others might want breakfast too." Not Kirk, because Sulu swore that the minute anyone was near Kirk, midgets set on fire riding miniature horses and wielding tiny sledgehammers and little machineguns would come riding in and ruin everything. "Let's not bug Kirk though."
It was just, yeah, nice or something. And a different nice from the way that Buffy had been. Pavel was pretty sure he'd loved her and all and he'd definitely had, you know, urges, but...the guy kind of things? They were feeling sort of good too. "No Kirk." That probably would just end in...chaos.
Sulu nodded. No way could his brain deal with that for at least another hour or two. No way. And it did feel pretty...relaxed...at ease...it was really good. Even better that Pavel agreed on the no Kirk too. Hi, bonus points. "We could ask Scotty."
"Maybe McCoy and that girl. And Gaila. If she keeps her clothes on."
He would have suggested inviting that secretary chick that Kirk was hanging with, but he swore Kirk was trying to bust himself off a piece of that. So that was a no go.
"Good idea." Pavel nodded. "The other two, well. That seems to be waiting to happen so...better leave them to whatever it is they've done, yeah?"
"Which other two?" Sulu said, suddenly curious. He even tried to sit up, but just ended up groaning and rubbing his hands over his face. Seriously, someday he wouldn't have the liver of a five year old girl, but a real live grown up!
"Oh sorry. Kirk and his sexre..." Pavel paused, snickered at what he'd said and eyedarted. "Secretary, sorry. Oh God she's going to eat me if she finds out."
"You mean Kirk and that Janice chick...hahaha sexretary, yeah," Sulu said with a laugh. "She looks like she might. But if she's going to put up with Kirk for the next...what, day or so, then I guess she's going to have an invisible set of brass ones." The gossip between them begins. Just as it did at the helm controls, in various timelines.
"Do you suppose only one set would DO it, really?" Pavel snickered. "maybe she has extras, hidden."
"She probably downloads them off her ipad." Sulu would've nodded like OH YEAH but he couldn't bring himself to. He just smirked in a calm but confident hungover like whoa sort of way.
"And what's up with that girl that's friends with McCoy? She kept eyeing everything male like it was a the last rack of beef ribs at a barbeque."
"Desperation?" Chekov suggested. "Is very SAD really, but I think she gives off vibes that tell them stay away, I am secretly crazy."
"Secretly? Nothing about that glazed over look in her eyes said 'secret'." Meeooowrr. Retract them claws, Hikaru. Who knew you had them?
"I wonder what she does with them for it to happen so much.... bury them?"
"Heh, maybe. Drugs their drinks, drags them back home, has her way with them. If they try to escape, hit them on the head with the shovel and then start digging."
"She IS a nurse." Pavel agreed. "Probably uses that...whatever they call it...Sucks..." Maybe he watches too much tru tv. "You know many medical professionals go rogue."
"They get off on inflicting pain. Wonder what that says about McCoy," offered Sulu. He didn't even shrug, because there was nothing to shrug about. It just seemed like, yeah, truth. "He works around dead people, so if he went rogue? Maybe there's a reason why they call them stiffs."
"Oh good God." Pavel snickered, and then couldn't stop. "I do wonder what the king of the lab gets to DO with the title, sure."
"I'm sure it involves his scepter," joked Sulu, with a snerk.
"Poor corpses." Pavel shook his head sadly. "It must be an undignified way to go."
"What they don't realize won't hurt them, I guess." Sulu just shook his head like that had to get smelly, though. "Hey, Pavel? Let's just go to breakfast ourselves, so we can keep talking about them behind their backs."
That got a huge smirk and an agreeing nod. "That sounds more fun anyway." he means uh... Oh well, it's true and all.
"Yeah, it does. We'll run into them later, anyway." Sulu was a bit unapologetic, which was the hangover talking. Plus it was really fun right now doing it, and no harm done either. Since, you know, victimless gossiping crimes, bwahahaha. He got up off the bed very slowly and started changing into something more casual comfortable, than asian guy in a tie on a binger. "What about Scotty? He's smart but stupid when it comes to girls. How bad do you want to say 'Man, she's sorta nice, but she's a slut'? Because I kinda thought it before."
And he did, too, so no use hiding it. It's just Pavel he’s talking to, anyway.
"And...all right, I have to know." Pavel eyedarts a little. "is she green because of some sort of...is that an STD effect? Because the last I checked, people didn't come in green."
Gaila is a slut and she knows it!
"I didn't notice, she looked a little off though. So I'm sure she's got some raging STD's and she's probably sharing them all with Scotty. That sucks. If I were him, I'd be wrapping my junk in a hazmat condom before I even thought about sticking it in her." In the back of his mind, Sulu was all 'do not want' anyway, oh well. He pulled some pants on and then a shirt. He was not moving at warp speed. Maybe impulse power, but that was pushing it. "He seems like a nice guy too, so it's kind of hard to just come out and say that he needs to dump the ho, it's time to go."
"He does seem...conventional for her, doesn't he? Now, Kirk..." Pavel smirked broadly. "THERE is someone I would pair her with. It just seems to FIT somehow. They've probably shared partners as it is, which means they've already REALLY slept with each other, just as seconds."
"Yeah," Sulu said while nodding as that was a worthwhile expenditure of his hangover energy, because it was true. "I could see that. But I'll have to amend that. Sloppy seconds. Not just seconds. Sloppy. Seconds. Maybe even sloppy hundreds."
"Between the two of them..." Pavel whistled slowly and he nodded. "That does seem about right. Do they give flea dips at Planned Parenthood again?"
"If not, they should start. Call it Skank Dips."
"Two for the price of one. Or maybe just a package set. How long do they last, I wonder?"
"Not long enough. They'd probably wear out the use in less than a week." Sulu sat down on the edge of the bed and put his shoes on. "Even then? They'd probably catch new crap that no one's even heard of, and spread it to the rest of the world."
"Inventing their own disease..." Pavel clicked his tongue a little. "Student health centers will never the same once someone has turned neon." Jim needs to have one named after him
"I'd say it was from using those glow in the dark condoms but I bet neither of them bothers even using the things." Eww. Sulu scrunched up an eye like that? Was just nasty.
Shudder. "Nasty." Pavel shook his head. "Just...wrong."
"Poor Scotty. Poor sexretary. Nothing's going to get those stains out." Sulu shook his head too. "Nasty doesn't cover it."
"Someday we could be very running from zombies. Sexually ravenous zombies." Pavel tried to consider if the idea was horrifying or appealing. Depending on what they looked like he guessed. "Frankly, if anything rotting touches me, I'll shoot myself in the head first."
"You mean like that Walking Dead show?" Sulu didn't like the sound of that. "I have hand to hand combat training." He paused and then eyedarted a little. "Well, it's martial arts and fencing, but I think I can handle some zombies. You don't need to shoot yourself, over sex zombies." He'd just poke them in the brain. It's not that hard. Or the genitals, considering that's where the zombie disease spread from. Thanks, Kirk. Thanks, Gaila.
"Painful, but the best idea." Pavel shook his head. "And I feel so bad for them. Even though they will be...patients zero."
"Unless..." His voice goes thoughtful. "We could possibly spay and neuter."
"Maybe we should drop them off at the CDC for testing, for preventative measures. Skank Dip, spay and neuter? That could work but it wouldn't stop them from screwing everything that breathed and has a pulse." Sulu stood up, all ready to go. He did walk over and give Pavel a petting and something to eat. Pavel, the ferret. THE FERRET. "Ship them to their own island, so they keep their contagens to themselves?"
"Oh good one." Sage nod."That way we aren't being entirely cruel. We could even send them food. As long as it was clear we didn't want to import from them."
"If it's Kirk, then I think he can scrounge up something to feed them both." Sulu smirked a little, feeling a little guilty but, hey, it was fun to get this stuff off his chest for once. "Gaila would be pretty useless, unless she finds a palm tree to use like a stripper pole. Then she'd supply hours of endless entertainment."
Snicker. "I'm sure she has other talents." Pavel eyedarted a little. "She just hides them pretty well."
"Computers, I guess. But it's probably because she's really fast at looking up porn." Heh!
Sulu pointed at Chekov like yep, i c wut u did there and laughed at the hiding it well.
Chekov eyedarted a little. "Oh computers, wow. Computers could mean viral vids." Gaila was going to have to smack a bitch
"Come on, not only vids. Did you see that older post on the valar net?" Sulu asked. "I guess that cat or kitten girl said Gaila posted her boobs all over the net. Major bonus points to Scotty for trying to defend her. Minus all of those points because you can't defend that sort of sinking failboat."Which bitch? That's the REAL question.
"Ooh seriously?" That was amazing. "We need to find a copy, NOW." Pavel seriously seemed to think this was still plausible. 'Maybe there are MORE."
Gaila had so many naked boobies on the net. Some videos too. There was also a video of her and Scotty doing it!
"Probably made into wallpapers so teenage boys can fap at it." Poor, poor Scotty. "Fine, Kirk's a womanizer. It's what he does. But that girl? I think she's taking advantage of Scotty. Probably a nice cover story for her to put up ads on craig's list for a back alley gangbang."
Dem claws. They aren't retracting. Reowr.
And they went off to breakfast for more backstabby! Uhh...talk.
"You know, as long as people are all on the same page, I do try not to judge their choices but..." Pavel shook his head. "I just can't help but wonder. ...Well, Breakfast?" Where they could presumably chat more about all of this. Oh God.
Ohh myy.