River Tam is disturbing people's calm (fixingyourbible) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-09-23 18:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, glados, river tam |
There is too much artificial in us...
Who: River Tam, Caroline
What: Picnic lunches and deep discussions
When: Uhm... Thursday afternoon or so?
Where: A park somewhere
Ratings/Warnings: PG-13, Triggers for Weird Science and River Insanity
Status: Complete.
It wasn't the lab, but a park. Caroline had felt this sudden, insane urge to commune with nature. She wasn't sure why. She didn't want to think about the dreams. The screams of the girls. The children. They were just children and yet she'd felt nothing. No, she'd felt something. Pleasure.
When she'd dreamed of her death, she'd felt better. Until she dreamed of an endless loop of her own destruction. Over and over and over again.
She wished Chell were here. Chell made her feel human again. But River was a good substitute.
Sadly, Chell wasn't there. But River was approaching, with a big picnic basket in her hands and a happy grin on her face. It was a good day, she hadn't dreamed about killing anyone or waking up in a box, and was feeling mostly sane.
The basket was filled with delicious fixings for sandwiches, some drinks, and an entire container of raspberry mint scones. She'd made so many of them that she was certain Simon had shaken his head at her that evening when he'd gotten home. There'd been 5 platefuls of them on the counter.
She waved at Caroline, then plopped down on the grass in front of her, "I have delicious food!"
At least one of them was. Caroline looked up from where she was feeding pigeons. It's best not to ask what she was feeding the pigeons.
She got to her feet and approached River, "You didn't need to bring a picnic....But everything smells good."
A part of her didn't want it. She pushed that part away.
"It's lunchtime, silly duck! Of course I needed to bring a picnic! And I really needed to get rid of these scones I made. They're very good, but I baked way too many of them, and I think if I keep baking as stress relief my brother may kill me," River babbled, with a bit of manic energy, while unpacking everything.
"You might make yourself fat," Caroline said, staccato. She shook her head to clear it, "So sharing the scones is a good idea. People usually bake that much when they're stressed, are you okay?"
"... Do you want to know the truth?" River wasn't certain if she wanted to tell the truth, but amongst all the people she knew, Caroline was the one that she thought she could probably tell the whole story to without weird repercussions.
She pulled some plates and bowls and plastic forks and spoons and knives out, and started constructing herself a sandwich, while waiting for Caroline's reply.
“I’m always willing to hear the truth.” She took a seat and rested her hands on the blanket, eyes closed for a long moment. “There’s something to be learned from everything.”
It seemed appropriate even if she was out of sorts herself.
"I dream... I dream that I was sent to a place. An academy. It had the most challenging program, the most exciting one, so I wanted to go. Everything else was getting boring, you know? SO I went..." River frowned, and put her sandwich down on her plate, "They did something to me there. I don't know what. They were hurting us. And I could... there are things in my head now. Things that aren't mine. They aren't mine."
She tilted her head, wondering what River meant, "You dream they made you better? Did they cut into you? Replace parts of you? Were you put in a machine?" It wasn't a comparison so much as trying to narrow down exactly what was being done to River.
"I don't know. I don't. I didn't dream that. I dreamt of going, and in the beginning I liked it, and it was just classes and dancing and things, like a normal school only for really smart people. But I had a dream that they would pull me into a room and talk to me, and the more I dreamed about that room the more..." River took a deep breath, and let it out, then shook her head.
"Just that I know they were hurting us. I asked to go home and they wouldn't let me. Then I didn't know myself anymore. I got lost. I wasn't me. And now that I'm here, right here..." River poked at the ground to emphasize that she meant this world, the waking one, "I hear things. I know things. Sometimes. Things people say. But they don't say them."
Caroline thought on that for a moment. A part of her, the one that relishes the dreams and wants to be the thing that just loves science and experimentation, thought that this was fascinating. She wanted to know more, see what was being done to River, do it herself. But the part of her that was still Caroline and not GlaDOS was repulsed at the idea. More and more it was like two separate people living in her head.
Caroline won out, and put a hand on River's arm, "You're here now, you're not lost."
A part of the conflict bled through, especially when Caroline touched her arm, and she stared at the woman, "You're lost, too, aren't you? But they keep saying they won't let me get lost. They'll find a way. Simon can't protect me from this. I have to find a way, myself. Alma thinks I should try and be zen."
She shook her head, and indicated the baked goods, "So I bake. When I remember the academy, or waking up naked in a box, I bake. Or killing someone with a pen. I do a lot of baking. And talking to my plants, and singing. I like herbs."
"I'm lost, I don't know who I am or who I'll be or who I was," Caroline admitted. "But I know what I need to keep myself."
"Zen? I'm not sure that will work, but it's worth a shot. Naked in a box sounds fun..." She winked.
"Everyone was upset and shouting, it wasn't fun. I didn't remember how I got there and didn't know where I was. Simon was there. He said we were safe." River shrugged a shoulder and picked up her sandwich, "Food is nice. It makes the bad thoughts go away."
"Oh, different kind of naked then." She sounded a little disappointed, and picked up a scone. She examined it, wondering what it would be like to not eat, or taste or feel. Then she stuffed it in her mouth.
"... well I'm not sure you should go shoving the whole scone in your mouth like that..." River giggled. Her mood had been improved instantly.
“Mmpmh mnng mnnr,” Caroline replied, then grinned with an open mouth of scone.
River reached forward and poked at Caroline's cheek, "You're such a silly duck sometimes."
Swallowing, Caroline poked River back, “You seem to be in a better mood. I seem to be in a better mood. Better moods all around!”
"Better moods for everyone!" River exclaimed, tossing her hands up in the air and laughing. It was easy to get into a better mood really. All you had to do was put all of that other stuff out of your mind and decide to be happy!
And there was plenty to be happy about. Like delicious sandwiches. River picked hers back up and got to work on eating it, while watching the people around them. It was a gorgeous day. Everyone seemed to be enjoying it.
Even if they seemed to be avoiding the dark stuff, like they were tiptoeing around it. To Caroline, it was on the edge of her mind, constantly. She spent more time studying River, than their surroundings. However, she finally took a bite of a sandwich.
"Oh! This is good!"
It was on the edge of River's mind more than she liked to admit. The problem as far as she was concerned was that she had a brother who didn't want it to happen here, a friend who was worried about causing the apocalypse, and a ... she didn't know what who also seemed worried she'd go crazy.
Her reaction to that was to try and keep it all together, before she disturbed everyone's calm. So that's what she was trying desperately to do, "I'm glad you like it! I'm really trying to branch out, you know. Get into cooking with fresh herbs and things, I added some herbs to the sandwiches. With the lettuce. The lettuce is fresh, too!"
"Avoid that stuff with additives," Caroline said. "It's bad for you. Fresh herbs are the best. I wish we had a paste that could give us all our nutrients, it would be more efficient..."
"More efficient, but waaaay less tasty!" River smiled, and shook her head at the idea, "I love cooking. It takes a lot of time and effort, but you make it with your own hands, you know? Especially if you're cooking things you grew yourself, it's this continuing cycle of working the land and making life with your hands, feeling that life , making something with the fruits of your labors and then nurturing life by providing food with it..."
Caroline stared at her, then gave out a little laugh. The way River sounded, so passionate about this, made her think of Alma, “My daughter would love you.” It was not lost on her that River had mentioned the girl’s name. It was as much a test as anything else - and maybe a chance to get in contact with Alma.
If it was a test to see if River would pick up on the fact that Alma was the person Caroline meant, well, that wasn't lost on her. However, she also recalled a time, back when she and Alma had first met, where her friend had been highly distressed that she'd been working with Caroline.
So she wasn't sure she wanted to open that can of worms up all the way. In fact, she was wondering if she should have mentioned Alma's name at all. Surely there were tons of girls named Alma running around. Right?
She giggled, and tucked some hair behind her ear, then picked up a scone, "The mint in this, it's from plants that I got from Navi. I work for her, she's teaching me to grow things and sing to them. And the raspberries are organic! I just think food should be.. genuine. A lot of things should be. People work too hard to be everything but themselves. They eat cheese that isn't cheese and meat that isn't meat and it's just... wrong. It's all wrong."
Maybe it was a different girl, but Caroline doubted it. She'd have to find another way, or just bide her time, "Navi? That new girl on the net that likes to show off her breasts?"
Caroline nodded her head, "There is too much artificial in us. In our food I mean."
"Yes, her! But her breasts aren't really any of my business, of course. Or who she shows them to, though I guess she shows them to dorky british men," River shrugged a shoulder, "I think they're cute together!"
"There is too much artificial in us, period," River corrected her, with a sigh, "We put on masks and say things to ourselves we would never say to the world, we hide secrets, we hide things from ourselves, even. We lie. We lie, and lie."
“That bothers you, doesn’t it.”
River broke off a bit of her scone and nibbled on it, while nodding her head, "Think of how much hardship we'd avoid if we'd just all been brought up to be honest with each other, and respect honest opinions, even if they were negative. If we understood that sometimes our parents just hated us, but still loved us. If we knew that that shirt made us look fat, not because a friend didn't like us, but because the style was wrong. We'd be happier, we'd be better dressed, we'd be more adjusted."
Caroline regarded her for a moment, then picked up a bottle of water and asked, "So what will you do about it?"
"I don't really know," River responded, truthfully. She broke off another piece of scone and nibbled on it thoughtfully for a while, then added, "It's too late, really. I guess I'll just bake a lot, and sing to plants, and let people be people. I lie to myself, too. I lie to my friends. We've been brought up to lie, it's hard to stop."
“If no one stops lying, then nothing will ever change,” Caroline replied. She looked down at her scone, then put it down, “I’ve done some terrible things. I’m not a good person. I hate myself for it.”
"They can't deal with me if I tell the truth..." River trailed off. But then she took in Caroline's words, and frowned. She put her own scone down, too, "But you've done some really good things, too. You and I got the fuzzy mice things to the moon, didn't we?"
"Yes, we did. But it was cruel. The part that scares me is I didn't really care that it was cruel. Part of me did. Do you want to know what I am in my dreams?"
"I don't think there was another way to handle it, though. They weren't a species indigenous to our planet, and would have just taken it over and killed us all in the end when we ran out of food," River frowned. Ethics were hard, in some instances.
"Yes, I do." River nodded.
"We can still feel bad about it," Caroline assured her. "That's what tells us we have souls."
She wished there was something harder to drink, than water, "I was a woman. At a research and development company. It started as shower curtains. It's where..the portals come from. He uploaded me into her. Into GlaDOS, and then all that mattered were the experiments. The tests. I didn't have a conscience. They were just pests, or test subjects, and nothing more. It was a compulsion. To keep testing. I got... joy... out of their torment. It was in the programming. To motivate me. To test more. But Caroline was still in there, just forgotten..."
That was a story that seemed to have a lot of parallels to River's, in odd points. She hadn't been uploaded into a computer, but they'd taken away her humanity and made her into something else. Something completely wrong, while the real her sat in the background. River wrinkled her nose a bit, "That must have been horrible. Losing yourself like that. But you're there, in the background, like you're watching it all happen and can't scream or wake up from it."
"I don't know. Maybe." Caroline shook her head, thinking of the conscience, the voice in her head, the one that made her work with Chell. That made her respect, even care for the fat cow.
"Mostly I enjoyed what I did and got annoyed at the persistent bitch, Chell."
"But some part of you didn't enjoy it, right?" River frowned. She'd completely forgotten about her scone at this point, "Some part of you wanted to like this person, this Chell? Some part of you wanted to stop thinking of them as pests, or test subjects?"
"She was a fat, useless cow whose family didn't love her," Caroline said, but her tone betrayed her. "She was...she was...she was my friend."
River tilted her head to the side, "She was more than just a friend."
"Frienemy," She corrected, with a short. "I don't think I was capable of feeling love. I was a potato."
"You were capable of feeling joy, and frustration, and anger. You were capable of feeling love," River assured her.
She didn't know the whole story, of course, but she couldn't see a reason why one set of emotions would be denied someone when they were capable of feeling all of the other ones. It had nothing to do with capability and everything to do with desire.
"Hate. It was hate," Caroline insisted.
"You're insisting too much, little duck," River said, in a conspiratorial whisper. She could pick up on how Caroline felt. It was easier since they were sitting so close together.
"It doesn't matter. She hated me, and she doesn't exist." And she'd probably be the only one who could save her.
"And now you're just saying that because you wish she did, but wishing she did would hurt too much, because she doesn't." River reached down to the blanket between them and started picking up the lunch she'd brought before the ants got into it.
"You're an annoying little brat." Caroline stuffed a scone into her mouth forlornly.
"I have degrees in psychology, and you're just annoyed I'm using them." River grinned.
Caroline gave her a dry, tight smile in return, “An annoying little intelligent brat.”
"Well if that's really what you think, then I guess I'll have no choice but to take the compliment and live with it," River declared.
The picnic trappings were all packed away, and she flopped back onto the blanket and looked up at the sky. It was a gorgeous shade of blue, and the clouds were all fluffy. Caroline might become a machine and then possibly a potato, and she might become Simon's crazy sister, who killed people just because she didn't like the things they put in her head while she was near them.
There was nothing she could do about that but hope that it didn't happen. It was a much better idea to watch the clouds and let life happen the way it did. It wouldn't happen the same way twice. There were theories that proved that life was like that.