(ง •̀_•́)ง (ember_celica) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-09-06 04:40:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !complete, blake belladonna, yang xiao long |
Have you thought about telling your story to her? Or someone like her?
Who: Yang and Blake
What: Deep talks
When: A few days after Blake's therapy session
Where: A playground
Rating: Pg-13, abuse mention warnings
Status: Complete
Yang still had a temper. She controlled it a lot better than she used to, but when things made her angry, they made her righteously angry. Like when she made the mistake of watching that tv show on Scientology. She’d nearly broken her tablet before she’d calmed herself down.
After the anger had come a feeling like a wound in her chest. Blake had lived that life. That was what she’d escaped and it explained so much. And she’d only really just started watching the show too. Yang wasn’t sure she could handle watching more.
But she knew she should.
It was easier reading the resources Blake had told her about, though not by much. The thing with Yang is she felt. Whatever emotion was dominant she felt so strongly that it could be a little overwhelming. Learning to control that had been a part of her learning experience. And an experience she was glad to have - Blake didn’t deserve to have her emotions dumped on her, especially when she had some kind of PTSD.
Somehow, it made sense that it had been Adam in this world too. Though she didn’t know much about him in the dreams, she’d gleaned enough to know that Blake had run from him, and it had been him she’d talked about who’d changed.
Another reason she’d worked on controlling her temper. She never, ever wanted to cause that look on Blake’s face again. Especially in this world.
At some point she needed to pull Weiss or someone aside and talk about her feelings for Blake. The only person who knew was her ex, and she had no one to talk about it with and it was driving her nuts. And she trusted Weiss. But that was another time. Right now she was tapping away at her phone at ‘their’ spot in the playhouse at the park and thinking through what she should say or do to make Blake feel at ease. Without lying or anything, obviously.
It wasn’t an easy subject to either learn about or talk about. Not many outside of Scientology really knew what it was like and how absolutely horrible it was. They were brainwashed, and Scientology was a cult no matter what anyone said. They didn’t deserve to be treated like a religion because they weren’t. Blake had so much crap to work through on that subject alone.
It was difficult to say what was the worst trauma for her, the abuse suffered from Scientology or the abuse suffered from her ex-boyfriend. The fact that it was all intertwined and mixed together made it hard to unwind the knot of issues that she had.
She went to meet Yang at their spot in the park. It hadn’t been an easy week, and she’d had some intense nightmares after her therapy session. So Blake was a bit edgy when she climbed up into the playhouse and found Yang already there.
“Hi,” she said as she crawled inside. Blake probably looked like she hadn’t slept much the past few days, which was accurate.
The abuse was probably all linked. While Adam was a terrible person to begin with, Scientology made it so much worse.
“Hey.” Yang looked up from her phone, smiling at Blake and scooting over a little to give her room. She pointed at a lunch cooler. “I packed you a sandwich and some water.”
“Oh, thank you. Maybe later. I’m not all that hungry right now.” She hadn’t exactly eaten much yet that day, but she wasn’t that hungry either. Her mind was on other things. But she would make sure to at least eat the sandwich Yang brought her.
She nodded, and slipped her phone into her bra. Leaning her head against the wall, she studied Blake, then edged her hand close enough to Blake’s that Blake could take it if she wanted to. “Probably got a lot on your mind, huh.”
“Yeah. Haven’t slept well the past couple nights.” Blake made herself comfortable, leaning her back against a wall of the playhouse. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Her head was nearly bursting as she had so much on her mind.
“I’m sorry.” Yang rang the fingers of her other hand along her knee, searching for what to say. “Bad dreams?” She didn’t think they were capital D Dreams, since those didn’t get really bad until later, but she also knew Blake had nightmares.
“Yeah, nightmares. I’ve been having a lot the past week or so. Mostly about Scientology.” There were some variations on it, of course, but it was largely the same sort of thing. She had some dreams solely about her ex, but there tended to be more about Scientology in there.
“I figured.” It made sense, considering. “That’s.. Some really horrible stuff. I read the things. Watched some videos. I can’t even… wrap my mind around some of it. It must have been so hard to escape, especially as they probably make it so you don’t even think that’s an option. And I can’t just go punch Tom Cruise or something.”
It made her feel helpless.
Blake closed her eyes and drew in a slow breath. “It was hell, to put it mildly. They make it so you never have a choice. They don’t like people leaving. They also have absolutely no empathy for people. They think psychology isn’t real and ignore people with psychological problems. If you have any mental problems, they say it’s your fault and you’ve done something bad to bring it on you. But the worst was when they more or less locked me in a room and audited me for hours upon hours. That is one hell of an experience. I don’t think there’s anything worse than that.”
Not even the abuse suffered from her ex. That at least had an end to it. The audit simply kept going on and on and on.
Yang scooted her hand under Blake’s, feeling her pulse spike and for just a second her eyes turned red. But she was looking straight forward at the time. “I read a little about that. It sounded like an interrogation. It’s practically torture!”
She couldn’t fight Scientology. She couldn’t even shield Blake from it like the tank she was. All she could do was try to support her, and listen. “You didn’t deserve to go through any of that.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly have a choice. I was born into it, and it was my life. I wasn’t the only one suffering, but it just seemed like that was what was normal. People suffer and no one gives a shit, so you learn to keep it to yourself. Otherwise you end up getting audited or blamed for whatever happened. If someone rapes you, it’s your fault because you did something bad to them. If someone hits you, it’s your fault because you did something bad to them. That is how it works.” Blake closed her eyes and took a slow breath. She hated this, hated being so open because it went against literally everything she’d been taught.
It made a lot of sense that Blake's parents had left the life. Yang wondered if they could be found, and if Blake would hate her if that went bad. But if it had been her and Ruby, and Ruby hadn't wanted to do, no matter what Ruby said or did she would have taken her back in a heart beat.
Of course, no one loved Ruby as much as Yang did.
"Breathe," Yang whispered. "And you're probably telling yourself this right now. But you can hear it from me too. You're not back there. It wasn't your fault. I don't blame you, your therapist doesn't. No decent human being will."
But this was good. Sort of. Blake was being honest, even if it felt like a knife in the gut for both of them.
For all Blake knew, her parents were dead and it was probably better that way. Or at the very least better that they just thought she was still in Scientology. She had no wish to try to find them, mostly because of her guilt for what she’d said and done the last time she’d seen them.
And, well, it was them leaving Scientology that had opened the floodgates for her ex to abuse her even worse than he had before. No matter what anyone said, she didn’t think her parents would welcome her with open arms after that, and she didn’t blame them. She just blamed herself.
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t change what happened or the emotions I have tied to those memories I wish I didn’t have. I’d say I don’t understand how I’m not even suicidal, but I know why. I saw what happened to those who were suicidal. I had a friend who killed herself and they just...they didn’t even acknowledge that she was dead. They just covered it up. I only knew because she’d sent me a letter. But anyone else who asked where she was, they just said that she’d left Scientology. If I was going to leave Scientology, I was going to make sure that them saying I left was the truth and that it hadn’t been because I’d killed myself and be forever forgotten.”
But Blake wasn't with Scientology anymore, and Yang had to swallow a fear she hadn't had before at the thought of losing her. She swallowed, then wiped her eyes. "They're uber rich aren't they? That's why this stuff gets buried so much, they can afford it and money talks more than people."
“Yes. Every single person in Scientology has to pay money to buy books and to advance through the hierarchy towards the ultimate goal. To achieve the highest rank in the church, to be at the pinnacle of what it means to be a Scientologist, a person will have spent, at the very least, hundreds of thousands of dollars. Maybe even millions. But Scientology has the money to put pressure on absolutely everyone. They put the pressure on the IRS so that they could be granted the religious tax exemption several years ago. They’re just really fucking evil and twisted. It’s why people like Leah Remini need to make a lot of noise because no one realizes what it’s really like. I personally would rather burn it all to the fucking ground, but there are innocent people in there that would get hurt if I did that.” Blake may or may not have been debating murdering David Miscavige in that moment.
"Have you thought about telling your story to her? Or someone like her?"
Burning it all down sounded like the best way forward, but Blake was right. People who'd been raised in it, or had gotten conned and scammed, didn't deserve to be hurt in the process. But she also thought that if they could topple the religion, people would get hurt regardless. There was no easy solution, but exposing it all was probably a good start.
She started to put her arm around Blake, then stopped and asked, "This okay?"
“I’m not ready to make my story public. You have to be an exceptionally strong person to go public. The instant you go public with anything negative about Scientology, they come after you. They publically air all of your dirty laundry, and I mean all of it, to try to discredit you so people won’t believe you. They send private investigators to follow your every move. They even send other Scientologists to camp outside your house and basically harass you. I’m so not ready to face any of that.” Blake would just pick up and run if that happened. Yang and Logan would probably kill everyone that came after Blake, but that wouldn’t stop her from running. She couldn’t yet stand and fight her own battle. And it was her battle to fight.
“Yeah,” she said after Yang asked about the arm.
She put her arm around Blake and gently hugged her, then kind of snuggled in. “Okay. Yeah. You’re not ready for that. I’m not ready for that, but I’d probably start punching people which wouldn’t help your case.”
Her greatest fear was Blake running. Either because of this, or worse, because of her. It was why she knew she had to tell Blake about Mercury before she dreamed that. And maybe even the stuff after. She just wanted Blake to have the full story before it happened. With all the stuff she’d been through in this life, Yang was afraid Blake would bolt before thinking things through, a fear that hadn’t existed in the dream world until - well it was too late.
“No, that wouldn’t really help.” There was always the option of talking to someone like Leah, but asking that her name be kept confidential for the time being. But Blake would rather go public with her story if she did that, and she’d just have to wait until she was in a stronger place.
“I know I’m not what you expected me to be like, and I’m sorry I’m not more like my dream self. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you or your expectations at all.” Blake would forever think she’d disappoint her team because she was so vastly different from her dream self.
"I'm not disappointed, or upset with you or anything. You're here, and that's more important than anything. You're you, and I'm getting to know you. You're worthy of friendship, of being loved, Blake." Yang realized what she was saying as soon as she was saying it, so she quickly added. "Ruby loves you, I love you. Even Weiss will come to love you. And I'm pretty sure Logan is considering adoption papers."
If her voice broke a little at "I" she pretended it hadn't. "I hope some day that sinks in. But we'll always be there for you, no matter what. Who you are here."
“Sometimes I feel like I do disappoint you because I’m so different. I know I wish I was more like my dream self.” Blake really did want to be more like herself in the dreams, but that wasn’t going to happen. “I doubt that Weiss will come around here. You and Ruby are better at winning her over.” Weiss really made Blake feel uneasy, and she didn’t know exactly why. Was it because of the faunus thing? Yes, she’d dreamt past that and Weiss had gotten over it, but Blake didn’t feel comfortable being around her for too long. Which was why she’d kept most of her communications with her restricted to the posts made on Valarnet.
"Think of her like a template. Someone to strive to be. It's kinda what I did. But there are also things that I'm better at here. So like, it's the best of both worlds?"
That part might disappoint Yang. She wanted her team back. Or to form a new version of it with the four of them. She just wanted them together. "It just requires time and patience. From all of us. Me mostly." She smiled sheepishly at Blake. "Just tell me if I'm ever being too pushy or something."
“I guess. It’s going to take years to get to that point, though.” Blake needed to figure out who she even was here without anyone telling her who she was or who she should be. But figuring that out was a slow process when she was broken and had a lot of issues she needed to work through to piece herself back together.
“I’m sorry. Maybe if I’d been raised normally it wouldn’t be taking this much work. And I’m trying not to make you all always conform to me. That’s not fair to you.”
“I’m a big sister. It’s my nature to go out of my way for the people I care about.” She lifted her hand and brushed it across Blake’s cheek. “I’ve waited like...a year and a half. Dreaming alone, going through the highs alone, suffering the lows alone. Wondering if you and the others were even out there, or if Ruby would ever start to dream. And not even sure I wanted that to happen. And being afraid I’d start to...put the dream people onto the waking people. Which isn’t fair and I’ve tried to hard to separate it all.”
She’d even succeeded in burying her feelings for dream Blake, though one day hanging out with awake!Blake and she’d started falling in love with her too. “..but you’re right. Friendships are mutual things. But I’m willing to stretch a little farther so you don’t have to.”
“No, if I don’t stretch I’m never going to get any better. And I don’t want any of you to cater to me either.” There needed to be some amount of gentle handling just because of her PTSD issues, but she didn’t want to be catered to all the time. It would make her feel useless if she wasn’t at least trying to reach beyond her comfort zone.
“Well, we’re here now. I suppose better late than never.”
"Okay." Like Yang had said, there needed to be a balance. They were still trying to find that balance. "So we'll have to find ways to very slowly help you stretch! Part of love is the tough love thing. You know, like making Ruby try to make friends. That kind of thing."
She leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes. It felt like she had this deep dark secret. And she kind of did. Between the arm and the fall of beacon. But would Blake get pissed at her for the feelings thing? Or feel like Yang was only trying to get into her pants like Adam? Half the time Yang was questioning her own motivations.
“I’m not going anywhere, Blake. Even if you want me to cause sometimes you might want me to leave but I shouldn’t.” Like her dad in her dreams.
“Just don’t take Ruby to any clubs. I may have promised to protect her from that.” After all, Blake herself wasn’t going to be shoved into a club any time soon. Not unless the person, or persons, doing the shoving were prepared to deal with a complete anxiety attack.
“I guess this is where you being stubborn works in your favor, and my being stubborn works against me.” There were times where Blake should be left alone, even if it seemed that she shouldn’t be, but there were also times where she shouldn’t be left alone. The trick was to learn the difference between the two.
Yang laughed softly. “Maybe I’ll take her to a book club.” That was probably both Blake and Ruby’s speeds. “But maybe I could make a fake club for you. All the music, none of the people. Then I’ll figure out something with some people to help you get used to people being around. Like Disneyland or something.”
Which was crowded but not the same kind of claustrophobic as a club would be. Even in the dreams Yang was the only one that did clubs. And she might have to do something soon. She was craving intimacy, even if it was just laying in bed spooning someone. It was funny, she actually missed that (and the kissing) more than the sex.
She leaned her head against Blake’s. This could be enough. It might have to be. “We’re both going to make mistakes trying to navigate this stuff.”
“A book club is definitely more her style.” Blake said. “I don’t think I’m ever going to be the clubbing type.” Even if she managed to get used to people being so close around her and having loud music pulsing through her, being in a club wasn’t Blake’s idea of fun.
“That is inevitable. We’re only human, mistakes will happen.” Especially when working with the trauma Blake had been through. She sighed softly, closing her eyes as Blake leaned her head against her own. Blake leaned into her a bit.
“We’ll kick ass,” Yang whispered. Whatever ass needed kicking. Trauma, PTSD, Adam… they’d kick it. “After I lost my arm, I thought… everything was over, you know? I could feel it sometimes. Still do. I’ll wake up reliving it or there’ll be this flash and I’m back there again. It was really bad at first. The depression, the… I mean I couldn’t even feel angry for very long. I just felt hopeless. But I had people to help me, and I’m stubborn, and I made it through to the other side.”
She gestured with her free hand. “The thing about the other side is all of that it’s still there, you know? It’ll always be there. And what happened to you will always be there, but that doesn’t mean you won’t eventually move past it and be able to find out who you’re gonna be. It’ll happen, with hard work and some pain. But it’ll be worth it.”
Yang smiled. “And I never really blamed the person that … distracted me, once things started to like..sink in. It wasn’t their fault the accident happened. It wasn’t even my fault though I kinda blamed myself there for awhile. It was the guy’s fault for plowing into me.”
Which she hoped Blake would remember, when she dreamed of the fall of Beacon. It was the most honest she could be with her about it without telling the full story, and Yang didn’t think Blake was ready for that. As it was she was prepared for Blake to lose a lot of progress and to have to nail her coat to the floor.
“I can’t even imagine what it was like to go through something like that, losing your arm.” Losing a limb was vastly different from what Blake had gone through. It was definitely not a good experience regardless, but there was an added component to the recovery. Yang had obviously needed to adjust to the prosthetic. She had physical and mental aspects to her recovery. Blake only had mental ones.
Blake wouldn’t remember those words when she got to that part of the dreams. As far as she was concerned, Yang was talking about something that had happened here. And besides, her own emotions would be running high and she’d only be focused on what had happened.
“You’re the fighter, no doubt you’d kick ass very well.” Blake may be a huntress in training, but she wasn’t a warrior, not like Yang. Blake relied on stealth in her fighting style, not brute strength.
“You’ll kick ass too. You ended up on top me off as often as the other way around when sparring. We’ll get you there.” Yang didn’t have the words to really describe her arm, and she couldn’t outside the context of the dreams. One thing she looked forward to (in that not really looking forward to but thought it would help her) would be being able to talk to Blake about it.
Not having that in her dreams left a gaping hole.
“Lets stay here all night. Until they kick us out.”
“Maybe once I’m more able to fight.” Blake may have accidentally discovered her semblance, and she may be better at wielding Gambol Shroud, but that didn’t mean she was good at it. Far from it. She lacked her grace and skill that she had in the dreams. Part of it was undoubtedly because she wasn’t faunus yet and she hadn’t been training to use her weapon for years the way she had in the dreams.
“I’m okay with that.”
Yang turned her face and kissed the side of Blake’s head. It was impulsive, the sort of thing she’d have done in the dreams or to Ruby. “I think we earned a nap. Emotional labor is hard work.”
“Yeah it is. It’s really difficult work.” Some days it was too hard to even try to work on it. Even if there was support from others, there were days that Blake wouldn’t have the strength to fight. And that was okay. Sometimes one needed to recharge before they came back to the fight. So long as they came back to it, of course.