Raven loves waffles more than life itself (ofevilsfire) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2017-02-23 19:48:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, rachel roth (raven) |
Who: Raven
What: Teetering the line, losing control and regaining it
When: 23 February, throughout the day
Where: Around
Warnings: Self hatred, blood
Status: Narrative | Complete
Raven could feel it, just beneath the surface. The burning anger directed at herself and the world. Herself because apparently, yet again, in doing something she had been straightforward about, no underlying motives or things of that nature, she was still wrong. She was wrong in how she felt things. Wrong in how she reacted to things. Wrong in her mere existence. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Anger was there, wanting to come out. Burn the world to the ground. It was full of hatred and injustice, why bother.
Self loathing because she was never going to be what people wanted her to be, the people she cared about. Because to be who they wanted her to be, she wouldn’t be herself. Paranoia. They were all clawing beneath the surface, struggling to take control, leaving Raven off balanced. She lived her life. She knew the risks, but they were no greater than they’d been before (well as far as she knew, the arrival of the chest of killing artifacts was forgotten so she had no recollection of that or the fact that those chances might have increased), those risks weren’t something that went away but she also lived her life. Maybe not like a normal teen but in a way that worked for her. She let herself enjoy things. But she was still wrong and maybe always would be. She didn’t even know how to help those she cared about. Ed with his dreams, Zatanna with...whatever the hell was going on with her energy as it was still off. And not in an emotional way, but in a way that meant a physical ailment. Anger at herself that she couldn’t tell the selfish part of her to shut up and just let her aunt live her life without her now, that she still wanted that connection.
An easy choice? Hardly.
There was anger at others as well, a strong urge to open a portal and send them to hell. Anger at people assuming they knew her. Anger about her concerns being shared at will with someone. She didn’t trust easily, she never had but there was a far cry between actively not trusting someone and just not trusting them as they were a nonentity or someone she barely knew but it wasn’t the not trusting that led to being on edge.
Miscommunication? Ha. You can’t have miscommunication if you don’t even speak to a person. And being told something she already logically knew wasn’t going to help, it would just make her more frustrated. A reminder that she was wired wrong.
So Raven did something she never did. She skipped school. She knew that in her current state of mind, it was too dangerous. Too many people, with too many emotions. She couldn’t focus on what kept her grounded right now, the daily life and things that made her happy. Just because she wasn’t expressive didn’t mean she was constantly miserable. But right now….
Right now she needed to find somewhere to meditate. To lock the threatening emotions that wanting to release her demon side away. The latest dream set worried her, and not just because of the fact she was in pain from her astral self being attacked while she remained trapped. It worried her because she saw in Superman what she could become if she lost any of those she cared about. Her heart was tight and it hurt. So she opened a portal into an inter dimension and meditated.
Or tried to. There was another pull as well, one she always wanted to quiet but that was refusing that silence. In the recesses of her mind, she could hear Dick’s voice telling her… something. But Dick was gone. He was in New York and while she could go to him, she wasn’t his problem anymore. And he was dead in the new set of Dreams, where her only connection was Cyborg.
Three pairs of eyes opening, Raven stepped out of the interdimensional portal and found herself first near her father’s men, where she stuck to the shadows. Watching. Even in this form, she would only hurt people who deserved it. They were cold and heartless and would only serve to keep hurting people, all on her father’s orders. They deserved what they would get. The cold in their hearts would be matched with the coldness they would now feel. Letting her soulself take over, Raven engulfed them in darkness until they were quivering messes of men, unable to hurt anyone else ever again.
A twinge. A voice that sounded almost familiar telling her this wasn’t right. Well she wasn’t right, was she? She was wrong and always would be and people like that deserved that pain. There were others, too. Those who hurt those she cared about who kept getting away with it, well, no longer. Two men…. One who was harassing Ahsoka and her boss who did nothing about it and was instead a jerk. No more. They would feel fear and learn that wasn’t the way to go about it.
A dark chuckle was heard in the back of her brain but Raven pushed it aside, she was protecting Ahsoka.
Ed. She didn’t know how to help him with his dreams and whatever was troubling him, but his father had hurt him, repeatedly, and there was always concern he’d take Al. Well. She could stop that, make it so he couldn’t hurt Ed and Al anymore.
The chuckle was back, louder.
“No….”
A strangled cry in the back of her mind, her own, fighting back.
“Shut up.” Digging her nails into her palm, Raven ignored the blood that started to flow, where the shattered mug from the month previous had been injured.
“Daughter. Give in.”
Eyes snapping open, Raven clung to her head, the elongated nails of her demon form scratching at her temple. A cold washed over her, that sensation of dread.
“You know you’re only lying to yourself. This is who you truly are. Why deny it and yourself? Your pathetic life you insist on living… everyone knows you’re wrong. You will never belong. Never be what they want. Accept it…”
Each jab caused Raven to stumble back, clutching her head. Whether she was fighting to regain control or fighting to keep that pesky annoyance of a conscience in place, it was hard to know.
Was it all a lie? Was she truly her father’s child and her humanity was nothing more than the mask she wore in a sad pathetic attempt to be something else, to obscure her true nature?
Dizzy from blood loss, Raven shook her head.
“NO!”
She refused. She refused to be this. Stumbling backwards, Raven found herself alone, shaking as the extra demon eyes vanished. Pulling her hands away from her head now that the voice of her father was gone, Raven stared at the blood. It was her blood but it was symbolic of the loss of control. She felt a coldness settle inside of her. A coldness and she was still no closer to a solution. No answer.
Forcing herself up, Raven closed her eyes and returned to the interdimension. She needed to meditate. She needed to find her balance again. She needed to feel like she could breathe and no longer feel the tightness holding her heart and lungs in a vice.