Who: Alyssa and Logan. What: Booze and bitching. When: October 8th. Where: Logan's house. Warnings: Logan's mouth. Status: Complete!
Breakups were hard, especially for someone like Alyssa who hadn’t exactly had a good track record. And while it wasn’t Logan’s fault she couldn’t get over him, he still felt responsible, and he still worried about her. They’d always shared something special and it was very hard to get past that. So he pulled out a couple of bottled and ordered some chinese, figuring a full stomach might help.
Alyssa knew as soon as she’d posted on the network that Peeta’s friends would start coming for her like jackals, and she’d come to Logan’s house prepared to wait out the storm. She had her mobile tucked into her handbag, and was actually wearing trousers for once. Her hair was down, her face was bare, and she shivered a little into an oversized jumper. She’d teleported over so she wasn’t wearing shoes.
“Hi,” she murmured. I brought gin.”
“Ordered food,” he told her, before enveloping her into a hug. He was wearing a t-shirt and faded jeans, and looked like he’d been lounging around before she’d texted him. But the thing friends did was was back up the people they cared about, and right now Lyssa needed him. “How you doin’?”
“I’m not hungry,” she murmured. Her eyes were rimmed in red from crying, and she wrapped her arms around Logan’s waist. Alyssa tended to not eat when she was upset; when she’d broken up with Damian, she’d lost a stone off of her already slender frame. “I’m shit. Not only do I feel guilty about breaking his heart, I feel stupid because I’m in love with someone who’ll never be with me. And I’m bloody here, how stupid am I?”
Sighing, she moved to sit on the couch, taking the bottle of gin from her purse and swigging from it directly.
“You’ll suffer less later if you get something solid in you.” Logan settled next to her on the couch. “But it won’t matter. Not in a few months. Not in a few years. You’ll both move on. Fuckin’ up a relationship is part of life.” He was good at that. Most of the ones he could remember he’d fucked up. He was pretty sure there was at least one he couldn’t remember that he’d fucked up. But he also couldn’t lie and say he’d ever entirely moved on from Jean, in any universe he’d dreamed of. Enough to function. Enough to love someone else. But never entirely.
Alyssa shook her head. “I’m not going to date until I’m totally over you. I owe that to myself, and to whatever poor sod might be attracted to me.” She moved her legs so they were under her body, still drinking from the bottle. “And yes, I know you’re a million years old, but I’m not a child.”
“Didn’t say you were.” Logan opened a bottle of whiskey, and poured himself a glass. “Though that goes to show you, you can be a million years old and still screw this kind of thing up.” He smiled tightly at her, unsure how much distance she needed, or how much distance she wanted.
“It’s not your fault. I dumped you, remember?” Alyssa had a great track record if you considered dumping a win; she was 4 and 0.
“Thought it was a little more mutual than that. Me with my head up my ass, remember?” His smile loosened.
“Oi let me have the win,” she joked. “How’s the weather up there, by the by?” At this point, he had his head up his ass so often, Alyssa wondered if he didn’t own a home there or something. She’d have made a joke about beaches or something being in his bum, but it reminded her of the honeymoon she no longer needed to book.
“Hot and humid,” Logan retorted, patting a hand on her shoulder. He wondered what was going to happen with the ring. If there’d been a ring. Honestly he hadn’t really wanted to know.
She’d given it back to Peeta to do what he wanted with it. When he touched her, she sighed, moving closer to cuddle into his shoulder. “I should hate you.”
“Should you?” Logan glanced down at her, his face furrowing in thought. “Maybe. Hindsight is 20/20 an’ all that. I probably could have done things different.”
“I think if we never talked again afterward, you’d have been easy to get over. Now, I don’t think that I can get over you. You’re my white whale. Or redheaded psychic, pick one.” Alyssa motioned with the gin bottle, sober enough not to spill.
“There’s only one of those things I am and it ain’t whale, redheaded or psychic,” Logan replied. His arm tightened around her, like some protective barrier against outside hurts. He didn’t want to admit it, but he hadn’t ever quite gotten over her either.
“Fair,” she murmured. His arm around her was comfortable, and she turned her head to wipe tears onto his shoulder. She hated when people saw her cry. “How have you been, by the by? I haven’t talked to you much lately.”
"Don't got much to complain about. Business is good." He didn't have a personal life to speak of, his time spent in the shop, in bars, or in someone's bed. It wasn't super fulfilling, and he missed..... well he missed helping people. Being an Avenger. Making up for the blood on his hands. Though Logan had come to peace with that before he died, he still had that annoying little voice telling him to do good. “Just boring.”
Alyssa nodded. “My life was nice and boring until recently.” She sighed and closed her eyes, leaning back against the sofa. “I’m thinking of selling Mum’s house. I’ve lived there with two different ex-boyfriends and Mum, and they’re all gone now. Too many ghosts there.”
“I understand that. Needing to live somewhere else, to move on. It’s what I did. I like my shitty little apartment.” He smirked, hand caressing lightly at her arm. “I could probably use a bigger place in a nicer neighborhood but there’s good here. And no ghosts.”
“Want to swap?” She smiled, amused at her little joke. “I probably won’t end up leaving, if only because I don’t want to move house, but I wish I had better memories there.”
“I’ll help you move, but I don’t really care to swap.” Logan leaned his head back against the couch, his hand stilling. “When the bad memories outweigh the good, sometimes you gotta make some new good ones.”
“I’ll worry about making new memories when I care,” she sighed. “Right now, I’m not optimistic about the endeavor. Have you met my cat yet?” Alyssa was a master at subject changes designed to avoid talking about uncomfortable subjects.
Logan just grunted, whether to the lack of optimism in Alyssa or about the cat. Not that he cared too much about cats. He worried more about Lyssa. But he could try to lighten the mood a little. Most of the other ways he could think of to comfort her were either inappropriate, or could potentially be viewed inappropriate even if the intention was innocent. “So you’re keepin’ the cat in the divorce, Lyssa?”
“Flower is mine, always has been, always will be.” She pulled out her phone and showed him a photo Peeta had snapped of the cat curled up against her stomach, a paw on her breast. “I wake up to this every day, so I don’t think he’d like to live with a bloke anyway.” It was a nice distraction from her melancholy; her cat could always cheer her up.
Laughing, Logan poked the screen. “Plenty of times I’ve woken up like that, can’t really blame him. Or her.” He forgot which. “Possessive, though. Forget cats can get like that, sometimes.”
“I don’t have much breast to speak of, so I’d hate to disappoint someone waking up that way.” She chuckled and put her phone back. “He’s quite possessive of me, yeah. But he was in a shelter for a year, I don’t blame him.”
Logan’s eyes dipped to her chest and then back up again. “Got enough for me.” He finished his glass and poured himself another one. “Let my wolves run free at the outreach center. More room that way and they can run wild. Haven’t felt like gettin’ another pet since.” Wolves had always had a special relationship with Logan, and he with them. He’d run with the pack more than once, and sometimes it was the only way he could remind himself that he was human.
She just rolled her eyes at him talking about her breasts. Even when he was being sensitive and cheering her up, he was a bit of a pig. “Do you visit the wolves? You should come visit Flower. He likes everyone.”
Hey, he was trying to compliment her, some people were self-conscious about that sort of thing! Logan moved his hand to Alyssa’s hair, and stroked lightly. “I’d like to meet Flower. Don’t mind cats, honestly. But I haven’t visited the wolves since March. Might be a good idea to check on ‘em. You want to meet them?”
They were intensely personal to him, in ways that could never be properly voiced, but this was Alyssa and she was one of the few people he was willing to share that part of himself with.
She closed her eyes and nodded. “We can go running or hiking or something.” Not many people thought of Alyssa as sporty, but she enjoyed going outside and having a nature walk as much as the next person. She liked the idea of him taking her to meet them; she knew that it meant a lot to him.
“We can save the runnin’ naked through the woods thing for another time,” Logan joked. Half-joked, because he’d actually done that. Repeatedly. In this world, even, not just in the dreams. “I remember, one time. Not long before I died there. I took Jubilee an’ her kid out campin’. We met the wolves.”
Alyssa smiled. “Jubilee has a kid? How did I miss this?” She took his hand and lightly traced the veins on top with her fingernails. “You’re such a sucker for we teenage girls.”
"Well she was an adult by then, but yeah." Logan sighed, a little heavily, and shifted against her slightly. "She found Shogo after she became a vampire, somewhere in Europe. She ended up officially adoptin' him. Turns out she's a pretty good mom. Just...kinda weird watchin' her grow up."
“That must be hard on you,” Alyssa murmured. “Watching all of the people you take care of grow up and get old without you.” Alyssa looked up at him before leaning in to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I wish you had someone to get old with.”
“Not sure that’s in the cards for me but for some reason I keep tryin’. Maybe I either need to find someone young, or someone long lived, but that ain’t always in the cards either.” You loved who you loved. Logan shrugged one shoulder, and kissed the side of her head. “I think maybe that’s why it’s easier to have transient affairs.”
Alyssa gawped at him, then punched him in the arm - hard. He needed to find someone young? “Do you not think before you talk or do you forget I moved back here from London just to see you because I am madly, stupidly in love with you? I’ve broken two boys’ hearts for you, you awful moron! I should shoot you more often.” Ugh. She hated him.
Except she didn’t, which she hated, and sent her nuzzling back into his shoulder, the one she’d punched.
“I mean it would be nice to have someone who could actually grow old with me, or at least get a few more years with.” Logan laughed when she punched him, then held her closer. “I know I fucked up with you. And it’s real hard not to...try to see if there might actually be something that’ll work or if I’ll just break your heart again.” It was dangerous to admit that, but she deserved to not be kept in the dark. “I had a hard time shaking you. ”
“I just need you to really commit. If you don’t want me, we can’t do ... this, you know?” She was crying again, her face against his chest, her tiny hands fisting his shirt. “I can’t get over you if you’re always there for me.” She moved so she was closer to him, nearly in his lap, hoping he wouldn’t agree with her.
“Do you not want me to be there for you?” He wanted to make her feel better, but he also had a lot of selfish desires where it came to her. He’d even tried the distance thing, pushing her away, pushing her towards people who would be better for her, but here they were again, at the same place they’d started. “I commit to you. What then?”
“What do you want?” Alyssa smiled. “I mean, if you want to do that, we’d have to outline what that means to you. I sort of don’t even know if you can be monogamous.” She didn’t mean that as a slight, she just didn’t know if he’d even ever tried. Her smile was shy, and she bit her lower lip, looking away from him as a blush coloured her cheeks. “I just want you, Logan. It sounds so tacky and stupid, but I don’t care how. I just know now I can’t pretend with other people.”
And it wasn’t even that she disliked the people she’d dated. She had loved them. Just not as much as Logan.
“This might be surprisin’ but I can do monogamy. It was never that I couldn’t commit, it was more like…should I?” Her shyness was cheating. Logan pulled her the rest of the way into his lap. “
“I know you can.” Logan had told her about his wife. “I just assumed it was only with Mariko. True love and all that.” Alyssa knew she wasn’t that woman, obviously, but she still cared about Logan. Despite her efforts to try.
Logan sighed, resting his hands on her hips. "Ain't just about Mariko. Or any of the other woman I've been with, or married. Or almost married. True love ain't just one person. Sometimes it's a lot of people, at different times or different places, an' each one is someone you love with all your heart. An' each one gets a piece of you, whether they deserve it or not."
He frowned. "I don't know what point I was trying to make." But she still loved him. After everything, after three years, almost. And he still wanted her, and not just physically. She calmed him. Not many people calmed him.
“Nor I. I just know I keep coming back to you. If I ever really left.” She chuckled and moved so her head was on his shoulders, arms wrapped around him. If she sat that way while in his lap, he couldn’t see that her eyes were perpetually filmy. She was counting on him cutting and running again.
He rubbed his hand up and down her back, then in a lazy circle. She wasn't the forbidden fruit she'd once been, but she still tempted him. "I'm sorry I've made you miserable." His other hand touched her face, and he tried to tilt it up so she had to look at him. "You've kind of been there, at my back. Even after I've been a shit."
She met his gaze with red-rimmed eyes and looked more at his chin. “You’re always a shit,” she quipped. “I’m just used to it now.”
"You know what I mean. Just you deserve better than to be treated like that." Logan lifted a finger to brush at her cheek. "But if you still want me, I'm willin' to try. An' not because I'm tryin' to get into your pants."
Her eyes went wide. “Are you sure? You don’t have to say this because I’m sad or feel guilty. Don’t do this to cheer me up, do it only because you want to.”
"If I didn't want to, I wouldn't do this. I took advantage of your naivete once, I won't do that again." It was as much a promise as a statement. He smiled at her. "An' if I was doing it just to cheer you up, then that wouldn't be fair to you. It'll just hurt you all over again." Did he love Alyssa? Yes. He could just never figure out what kind of love it was. Sure as hell wasn’t paternal.
“You didn’t take advantage of me. I took advantage of your paternal need to dote on everything. I’m sorry, you know.” She knew he’d taken shit from people at the time. But his smile made her smile back at him, heart a bit melted. Unsure of why she wasn’t kissing him, Alyssa solved the problem by leaning forward and kissing him tentatively, almost like the first time she’d kissed him all over again.
"Same difference," Logan murmured. He threaded his fingers in the hair on the back of her head, letting her lead the kiss. It wasn't easy. Just like when she'd first come back, he wanted to kiss her until she forgot how to breathe. Her body was warm in his lap and against his chest, but what Alyssa needed right now was to feel welcomed and wanted and loved.
When their lips parted, Alyssa smiled and let her forehead rest against his. “It isn’t the same, but it doesn’t matter. I love you. I never stopped.” She felt awful when she said it out loud in terms of other people and decisions she’d made, but she felt safe and human and happy for the first time in a long time. “I never should’ve left.”
"If we'd never slept together, do you think that would have changed?" He felt like he needed to know, if her feelings would have been inevitable, or not.
Alyssa shook her head. “It’s never been about sex with you. Even if we weren’t shagging, I’d want to be here with you.” Which was pathetic and depressing to say out loud, but she had. “I remember when we met, you made my heart go so fast. That’s still the same.”
Logan smirked at her. “And here I thought it was my fantastic skills in bed that hooked you, an’ not just my rugged good charm.”
“It’s none of that. You’re just a good man.” Alyssa stroked his cheeks, cupping his face and smiling. “You make me laugh, and you’re kind. And we’re always there for each other. The sexual prowess is just a bonus.” She couldn’t help but smirk at him.
"I won't ask you to compare, Lyssa." First of all, he didn't want to know if there'd been someone better. Second of all, he had every intention of making her forget all about other people. He figured she'd needed that experience. Life experience, her own type of sowing wild oats.
"This feels good," Logan breathed. Like he'd been worried that it wouldn't. Or that some other shoe would drop and come crashing down.
“Comparing sex is like comparing apples to oranges. Sure, they’re both fruit, but that’s about it.” And she didn’t do that, anyway. Every experience was good for different reasons.
Smiling at him, she nodded. “It does. I waited for this.” It had been more sappy and stereotypical in her dreams; this had been better.
"A man with a dirtier mind might take that the wrong way," he drawled. "But you're right about that. You're different from everyone else, too."
“There’s a man with a dirtier mind than you? Dear god.” Alyssa teased. She curled up, eyes closed. She felt guilty about what she’d done, sure - breaking an engagement was low as hell - but she was happy. And she wasn’t lying to herself, or anyone, anymore.
“One or two.” Like his son. And god help them all if Daken existed somehow. He didn’t think so, but nothing was impossible. His voice took on a low rumble. “Somethin’ tells me you don’t entirely mind.”
“Oh, I don’t. I’m probably just as bad as you.” She looked like a contented kitten, and didn’t bother opening her eyes. “I mean, I learned from you.” Okay, so maybe she opened one eye. “Or did someone else encourage me to shag him on the side of an interstate highway?”
Logan tapped her nose with his finger, and looked like he was trying to give her a counter argument, but there wasn't much of one. He scowled. "Huh. Coulda figured there was some mutual encouragement there, flirtypants."
She laughed and sat up. “There was, I was just subtle, so it’s actually believable if I protest.” Moving closer to him, she took his hand into her tiny ones and massaged his knuckles. “And you wonder why people think you’re a pervert. You just wear your libido on your sleeve. I’m more quiet. But don’t worry, it’s still there.”
The alcohol sat forgotten on the table, and he didn't bother to bite back a groan. Lyssa knew his weakness, knuckles and wrist rubs. The claws were always causing him aches and pains. He looked down, at the dichotomy between their hands, his expression softening. "Ain't nothin' wrong with either."
“Of course there isn’t. I think it’s why I’ve always valued our friendship. You make me more brave and brash when it calls for it. And I make you think on occasion.” She smiled and lifted his hand to her lips, gently kissing where his claws would come out, partly because she wondered what would happen. She also wanted him to know how much she trusted him.
It was probably just a mental thing, but the skin there felt more sensitive than other parts of his hand or arm. Her kisses were feathery and her lips were soft and he watched her languidly, a lazy smile on his face. "I help you leap, you make me think before I do?"
“Exactly.” She shrugged and kneaded coquettishly at his shoulders again. “You helped bring me out of my shell. I was much more shy before I met you.” She’d felt more naive, too. Learning life lessons had brought out the old soul within her.
“Surprising, considerin’ your mother.” Logan smirked, leaning in to kiss her again. She felt so relaxed in his lap that he didn’t particularly want to break the spell for her.
“I was in boarding school, Mum didn’t have much exposure to me,” Alyssa sighed happily. She grinned and leaned forward when he tried to pull away, prolonging the kiss. “So. You’re really going to try?” She trusted him, she just wanted to hear him say it.
“Yes,” Logan responded, his voice a low rumbly growl against her lips. “I’m gonna try.”
Alyssa’s smile grew fond as she met his eyes. “I love you, silly old bear. Always have.”
“How ‘bout I order somethin’ in,” Logan suggested. He didn’t want to move, and they could just sit here like this as long as she needed to.
She nodded. “Thank you. For everything.” She hadn’t really had a family in a very long time, but when she was with Logan, she felt like she understood when people said that something felt like home.