Who: Helen Magnus & Ashley Magnus When: March 30 Where: Helen’s. What: Birthday! Rating/Warnings: Some brief mentions of cancer and a bone marrow transplant. Status: Complete!
Helen held the necklace carefully, not like it was something she found precious, but like she was afraid of what it meant. It had been haunting her for weeks. And now she knew what she was going to do with it.
Gently setting it back within the small wooden box, she closed the lid and set it aside before moving back into the kitchen to finish dinner. Today was her daughter's Birthday, and she wasn't going to let her own fears ruin it. Ashley would be here soon. They would have a nice dinner and then she'd give her her present.
It wasn't much, and probably more to her taste than Ashley's. But for Helen, it meant something, a reminder that her daughter was still here, still very much alive. A reminder that the dreams hadn't taken her away, and never would if she had anything to say about it.
If she didn't know how terribly it would be received, she'd try and convince her to leave again. She doesn't want her to see the things she has seen, and she doesn't want to lose her to a world that shouldn't even exist. But she's already pushed enough in recent months, more than she should. She can only be grateful Ashley's put up with it as long as she has.
Perhaps tonight, they could talk, try and move past the tension she suspects she's creating. Perhaps it would be good for them both.
Another year, another birthday, another milestone. Ashley’s birthday was always important to her and she was always certain to mark it each year. After all, given she’d been so ill during her childhood, she knew that being alive now was a gift and she didn’t take it for granted. Ashley tended to do roughly the same thing each year, even after she’d moved out of her mother’s house and gotten her own place. She still spent part of her birthday with her mom.
Earlier in the day, Ashley went through her similar motions of commemorating her twenty-fourth birthday. She went for a walk, then she went to do a karate workout. She’d taken the day off of teaching so she wouldn’t be strapped for time. This was also one of the few days out of the year when she’d be overly sentimental, even more open to talking about the past without devolving into arguing. Ashley was more apt to talking about her feelings in a calm manner as well.
And there had been tension between her and her mother of late. Some days Ashley was being driven out of her mind by it, but she’d by and large kept quiet about it when it came to telling her mom that. If only because she did still feel horrible about the late moving to Orange County notice.
After showering and dressing, even slipping her new leather jacket on, Ashley headed to her mom’s house. Upon arriving, she went up to the door and gave a knock.
It was a tradition Helen was glad they kept. Ashley was, without question, the most important part of herself. A part of herself, she’d thought she might lose. Then those damnable dreams started. In some lifetime, she had lost her. It made these moments all the more important, the time she spent with her even more precious.
She was just finishing in the kitchen when she heard the knocking. Answering the door with a smile, she greeted her daughter with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, murmuring a quiet, “Happy Birthday.”
Once they were inside, and she’d closed the door behind them, she added softly, “You could have let yourself in.”
In a way, she would always consider her home to be Ashley’s home as well, no matter how long it had been since she’d moved out.
The feeling was quite mutual. The most important person in her life was Helen, even when they had their moments of arguing and disagreement. Helen was the only constant that Ashley had in her life, the only person who had been there through everything. So she was more than happy to spend her birthday with her mom. At a later date, she’d go out with friends to celebrate, but this day was reserved for just the two of them.
Returning the hug and the kiss to Helen’s cheek, she smiled. “Thank you, mom,” she responded gently. Twenty-four years young, as some liked to say. It was perhaps a miracle that she made it to this point, but Ashley didn’t take it for granted.
“I know, but kind of just wanted to be polite.” Now, if Helen ever started seeing someone again, Ashley would amend that to not wanting to walk in on something she didn’t want to see. Then sniffing a bit, she grinned a bit. “It smells great, what did you make?” Ashley probably didn’t need to ask, but she would anyway.
Helen thought, once again, how lucky she had gotten having a daughter so willing to indulge her in her need to keep her close and fret over her, a daughter who always spent her Birthday with her mother, even if it meant waiting to celebrate with her friends. They had been through a lot together, just the two of them, but it was still nice to be reminded of the bond they shared.
She smiled, shaking her head slightly. “Well there’s certainly no need. I was expecting you.” And even if she hadn’t been, she never would have said a word about Ashley entering uninvited.
“Lasagna. I trust that meets your approval.” Even as she answered, her attention shifted to the leather jacket Ashley was wearing. “From the dreams?”
More than once her friends had questioned why she’d rather spend her actual birthday with her mom, most notably when she’d turned 21. Her friends had wanted to take her out to a bar to celebrate in that grand old custom. However, Ashley had been adamant that her actual birthday was spent with her mom. It meant a lot to Ashley, perhaps even more than she’d ever actually say, to celebrate with her mom. After the divorce and her cancer battle, she’d rather have a quiet day on her birthday, then do the more exuberant celebrating with her friends at a later date.
“I’ll keep that in mind, then,” she said with a smile. It was entirely possible that she’d not knock the next time she came over. But if she knew Helen would be having someone over, then she’d knock.
“Yes, it most certainly does. I do love your lasagna.” Ashley responded with a grin. And she did have quite the soft spot for her mom’s cooking. That was probably another factor of why she went home over weekends a lot when she’d been in college, at least when she wasn’t busy competing in a karate tournament. Ashley had very much suffered from the college-student-craves-actual-food syndrome.
“Oh yeah, it is,” she said looking at it. “I kind of took it as an apology for these.” She gestured to the mostly healed claw marks across her neck. “Plus getting something for free that fits is not something you get every day.” She then slid her coat off, no longer needing to wear it indoors.
She’d raised a wise daughter. At least Ashley could rest assured she would know if Helen ever decided to start seeing someone again. She wouldn’t hide that from her. She valued the bond they shared far too much. Her daughter may be a grown woman, but Helen would still be sure whoever she chose met her approval, just as she had when she was young. There had been few in her life after John, but they wouldn’t have been there if she’d thought Ashley had objections.
Forcing a smile for Ashley’s benefit, she held out a hand for the coat, meaning to hang it up for her. Old habits.
As she did, she tried to keep her expression somewhere between neutral and cheerful, tried not to let it show how much it worried her that Ashley was receiving these gifts, how much she worried that Ashley was having these dreams at all.
“How are those healing?” So careful to keep her tone light, even as the lingering concern crept into her eyes as she nodded toward the aforementioned claw marks, and for just a moment, she might have gotten a glimpse of the doctor lurking just beneath the surface. If asked later, it was something Helen would no doubt deny.
Ashley did do her best to be intelligent. Of course, she tended to undercut herself in the intelligence category if only because she felt she was more street smart than book smart. Though she wouldn’t exactly call herself wise so much as using common sense. She trusted her instincts, and she trusted what her gut told her about other people. And most of the time, she was right. Ashley did really want her mom to meet someone that made her happy. She did have a feeling that underneath it all and despite what she might say that Helen was perhaps lonely. And she definitely didn’t want her mom to be lonely when she was perfect for someone out there.
It was simply a matter of finding them, really.
Handing her coat over, she eyed her mom for some moments, wondering if something was bothering her. And then when she asked how the claw marks were healing, she did see that note of concern in her eyes coupled with the doctor that Ashley was coming to know from the dreams. Though Helen’s inquiry could also just be the mom that she was.
“They’re doing good. You can look at them if you want.” Which was her way of saying Helen could put her mind at ease if she wanted in regards to the injury. “A few of the kids have asked how I got them. I just told them they were war wounds from fighting a monster under the bed.” Ashley smirked a bit. It wasn’t a complete lie, anyway. It was just the kids didn’t know that.
It would take time to convince Helen of that. The trouble was, she no longer thought she deserved to be happy. Perhaps she hadn't thought that in a long time. She hadn't been able to make her marriage work, and her most significant relationship since had fallen apart because she'd still had feelings for her ex-husband. And then she'd shut everyone out, including her closest friends, pushed them away. Loneliness was exactly what she deserved.
Helen felt Ashley's eyes on her as she took the coat and hung it up, very aware she was being watched and still trying very hard to behave as though nothing was wrong.
"After dinner," she answered quietly, and in its way, it was a promise. Tonight wasn't meant to be about her fears. She would do her best to keep her fretting to a minimum.
She did smile at the last, though. It sounded like the perfect explanation. And she could almost imagine the children's reactions to it.
A moment later, she rested a hand on Ashley's arm, silent reassurance that she was fine, even if she wasn't. "Come on. Let's eat."
From Ashley’s standpoint, Helen definitely did not deserve to be lonely. She deserved something good in her life. One day if Ashley felt it was necessary she’d probably set her mom up on a friendly date with someone she’d connect with. But that would take a lot of effort and she knew her mother would probably read her the riot act for such a thing. But it was a consequence she was willing to take if she thought her mom needed it. Or, conversely, if Ashley ever saw Helen taking an interest in someone and not doing anything about it.
Ashley nodded a bit, hearing that promise. And while she could probably withstand some fretting tonight, they were here for a very different reason. A very good reason.
“I have to say, I’m starving,” she responded with a smile up at her mom. She’d take that silent reassurance for the time being. After all, the last thing they needed was to start some sort of argument or something today. And that was definitely not something Ashley was wanting to do. So she’d let her worries slide for the meantime and ask at a later date.
Oh, she might thank her later, knowing Ashley’s heart was in the right place, but she would almost certainly give her hell for it first. There was her pride to consider. And she could be stubborn to a fault, especially when she had her mind set on a particular subject, ignoring any obvious feelings she might have for instance.
“Good.” And given something else to focus on, something other than her daughter’s dreams and what they might mean, Helen’s smile was a little brighter. They could have dinner and talk, not about said dreams preferably, and they would celebrate another year together. She would make it through this night without giving too much away, without ruining what should rightfully be a happy occasion.
Helen led them back toward the kitchen where the table was already set. “I trust you’ve had a good day so far?”
It was idle chatter, really, keeping the conversation light while they settled at the table and filled their plates.
This was why Ashley would simply wait and see if her mom took interest in anyone. And if she did and proceeded to not do anything about it, then Ashley would do something about it. Hey, at least Ashley wasn’t the type to make a profile for Helen on some online dating site! Imagine the awkward of that if Ashley decided to do that.
But for the time being that was neither here nor there. All that today was for was for celebrating a well earned birthday, another year of life. A life that Ashley was currently at a crossroads in because she wasn’t certain what to make up her mind about what she wanted to do. Graduate school and getting her Masters in Business was an option, though she wasn’t exactly thrilled about asking her mom for money for that. The other option being trying to get a business plan together for opening her own martial arts studio. Both of which were frightening concepts to her.
“Yeah it has,” she said with a smile as she took a seat at the table. “Did my usual going for a walk and a karate workout. Took the day off work as well, which was nice. I’ve been doing some thinking lately about what I want to do next in life.”
Thank heaven for small mercies. Awkward wouldn’t begin to cover it, if Helen ever found she’d been placed on an online dating site.
Helen smiled, settling into her chair, “Oh? Have you come to any decisions on what that might be?”
In this, at least, Helen didn’t push. Ashley’s life was her own, and as long as she wasn’t putting herself at unnecessary risk, she could wait for her daughter to decide her own path. That didn’t mean she wasn’t curious.
“Not yet. I kind of want to go back to school and get my Masters, but I also kind of want to start taking steps towards opening my own martial arts studio.” Ashley shrugged a shoulder. “There’s pros and cons to both options, and I’m still not really making any headway in one direction or the other just yet.”
Of course, both options would require some amount of money that she still wasn’t certain she wanted to ask her mom for. It was that pride streak in her, plus the fact she also didn’t like asking for money in general.
“I’ve been talking with the owner of the studio I work for currently, mostly about what he had to do to get started and things like that.” Though while Ashley tended to undercut how smart she was, after all, she’d gotten into UC-Berkeley which was not an easy accomplishment and she’d done well there, she was not a numbers kind of person. Math never had been her strong subject, so the money talk always was a bit over her head when it came to finances and such.
Helen, of course, would gladly give her the money. She was still fairly well off, and she knew any sum she did give her would be used exactly as Ashley said it would. She also knew Ashley would never ask her for more than she absolutely needed; far too independent and with too much of her parents’ pride.
And what better way to spend her money than an investment in her daughter’s future?
She wouldn’t voice her own opinion, but her next words are warmly reassuring, “You’ll figure it out.” She had every confidence in Ashley’s ability to do exactly that, but it was a decision she would have to make on her own.
But perhaps just one bit of advice, “Trust your instincts. There will always be doubts, but you’ll know when it feels right.”
At least Ashley wasn’t the type who needlessly spent her mother’s money. She never had, even when she was younger. In fact, Ashley had never really asked for much over the years, beyond the standard birthday and Christmas list of wants. She was remarkably independent and was prideful to a fault more often than not.
She smiled. “It’d be immensely helpful if my instincts knew what I wanted.” But Ashley always did have good instincts. Of course now and again she made mistakes, but she was only human after all. But by and large, her instincts didn’t fail her.
One of these days, she’d come to a point where she’d make a decision. Or something would happen and her instincts would tell her to follow that. She just hoped that day would come far sooner rather than later. She didn’t like sitting in this in-between state of indecision.
And Helen did appreciate that. There were plenty of children willing to take advantage of their parents’ desire to take care of them and support them in any way they could, especially if that meant financially.
“They will.” Still with that unwavering certainty. “I do have one request. Don’t settle because you think it’s the safe decision or the smart one. Do what you love. Be who you want to be.”
Even if she could’ve been a spoiled brat, Ashley had too much sense of herself to be that way. Then again, she could’ve easily been that child after having cancer. But after she was cancer-free, Ashley had taken the path of doing things herself. She didn’t exactly like people doting on her, especially when she was capable of doing it herself.
At Helen’s request, a sudden smirk crossed her face and a certain playful gleamed entered her eyes. “So are you saying that if one day I decide I want to be a stripper, that you’d still support me?” She was, of course, simply being a brat with that, but Helen had left that door open. She couldn’t help but take it.
Oh the look Ashley was getting over that statement, but then she shook her head, a small smile forming despite her best efforts, if only because she knew Ashley was very unlikely to ever take that particular path.
“I’d prefer if you didn’t.” She would very much prefer that. Obviously. “But yes, if that’s what you truly wanted, I would support you.”
Ashley started laughing because she couldn’t hold it back any longer. After all, that look Helen gave her was priceless. Still, they both knew Ashley would never actually be a stripper. She tended to be awkward enough when it came to dating, let alone stripping in public.
“I’d have to think of a good stripper name, then,” she further teased with a grin on her face. Ashley really couldn’t help it. It was just too easy to tease her mother sometimes.
Helen might be quietly glad about that. She wanted Ashley to have confidence, but if she thought there was the slightest possibility her daughter might actually consider a career as a stripper, she'd likely be horrified.
"I have a feeling I wouldn't want know what it was."
Ashley just grinned at her mother. “No, probably not.” And she laughed again. Sometimes she couldn’t help but to say these things just to tease her mother. It was priceless and always worth it.
“But in all seriousness I’ll do my best to remain true to myself and follow my instincts. Besides, I have the best mom who raised me right, so my instincts should be solid.” Ashley smiled. Even if she could be a brat and tease Helen, she had indeed been raised right.
“I’m glad you’re finding this so entertaining.” But she was smiling too. It was good to have this simple, normal moment. She’d take any amount of teasing, if it meant her daughter was healthy and their relationship was solid. That was all that really mattered, in the end.
Helen reached across the table to briefly rest a hand on Ashley’s arm. “We have done alright, haven’t we?” She didn’t know if she could exactly take much credit for that. She often thought she should have done better; kept their family intact, worked less, not let herself fall apart after the divorce. There were so many things she might have done differently.
But despite all of it, her daughter had turned out to be a beautiful and smart young woman with a good heart. She couldn’t have asked for anything more.
“Why wouldn’t I? You know I like teasing you.” Ashley said, that grin still in place. She always had a way of light-heartedly teasing her mother. But it was certainly good to enjoy these moments, especially with the crazy that tended to happen in Orange County.
When Helen rested her hand on her arm, Ashley looked at her and smiled warmly. “Yeah, we definitely have, thanks to you. I know I didn’t make it exactly easy with my temper. But we got through it.” Ashley was giving a reference to both the two fist fights she’d gotten into at school as well as just her general temper. All things considered, Helen had done a wonderful job raising her. Ashley gave her most of the credit. The rest of the credit went to karate and the self-discipline she got from that.
That got a soft laugh. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.” She would absolutely never say as much, but she appreciated Ashley’s light-hearted teasing, that they had the kind of relationship that allowed for it.
“I think if your temper was the worst thing I had to worry about, I can consider myself lucky.” In typical motherly fashion, she did indeed feel privileged to have been given a chance to raise such a wonderful child. After everything they’d been through, a couple of fights were hardly worth complaining about, if they had left her rather frustrated at the time.
The fact that their relationship allowed for light-hearted teasing was always a comfort to Ashley. After all, Ashley well knew if it hadn’t been for her mother, she wouldn’t even be here today. Twice over, really. First with having given her life, and secondly when she’d given her her bone marrow.
“You are definitely lucky, mom.” Ashley said with pride. “But I’m lucky too. You are the best mom. You have saved my life.” It had been hell going through preparing for receiving the transplant, and it had been hell after the transplant given all the medication she’d needed to be on to help ensure her body didn’t reject the new bone marrow cells.
“I did what any mother would do.” Any mother who was able and loved her child as she loved Ashley. She would have done anything for her. She still would. She’d hated watching her little girl suffer. “You did all the hard work.”
“Still, it’s something that I definitely don’t take for granted at all.” Ashley smiled. “Plus it was easier to get through with you there.” Well, and her father, but she wasn’t going to be bringing that up here. “I love you, mom.”
“I know. You never have.” Another testament to just how well she’d turned out. “I love you too, Ashley. Always.”
After a moment of debate, she stood, gesturing for Ashley to stay where she was; she’d only be a moment. Retrieving the wooden box from where she’d left it earlier, she brought it back, setting it on the table between them with the tiniest bit of hesitance as she sat back down.
“I was going to wait until after dinner to give you this.” She still didn’t know quite how to explain the necklace, its significance, but she needed to give it to her, here in this world, to remind herself she hadn’t lost her.
After a couple hiccups in her early teens, Ashley had grabbed life by the horns, as they say, and she hadn’t taken a single day for granted. She smiled warmly. It was always heart-warming to hear that her mother loved her. True they said as much on a regular basis, but it never lost its meaning, not to Ashley.
Watching Helen get up and go off to get something, Ashley just blinked in puzzlement. Though when she saw the box, she had a feeling it was her birthday present. She noticed the slight hesitation, and looked from Helen then back to the box.
Ashley reached out and picked the box up, holding it in her hands for a moment. She wondered what was inside it, though she turned her attention back to Helen.
“Is it alright if I open it now?”
She smiled, giving a slight nod. “Of course.”
Helen might have been somewhat uncertain how the gift would be received. She knew it wasn’t likely something Ashley would have chosen for herself, and she knew her daughter well enough for that to seem unusual.
With the permission, Ashley went ahead and opened the box. Upon seeing the necklace, she lifted it out of the box to give it a better look.
“Oh wow,” she said. Helen was correct, it’s not something she would’ve chosen for herself, but it didn’t stop her from still admiring it. Finding jewelry for her tended to be a slight pain given that she didn’t always wear it, so the more expensive pieces would largely be a waste of money on her. “It’s pretty.” It wasn’t a negative comment, it was her typical reaction, really.
“You think so?” Because to be honest, Helen hadn’t been certain she would like it at all. “It was given to me in exchange for returning something precious to its rightful place.”
She hoped Ashley at least understood that it meant something, that there was a reason she had chosen this particular gift.
“In an odd sort of way, yeah,” she responded honestly. Yes it wasn’t her taste, but she could still see some sort of beauty in it. Though when Helen elaborated, that explained why she was getting the necklace, that it meant something.
“And now you’re giving it to me to complete that circle?” Ashley asked, looking at Helen, wondering if she was anywhere in the ballpark for the reasoning there. Regardless of the reason, it was obvious she was accepting the gift. Moreso now that she knew there was a deeper meaning behind it.
Helen nodded, releasing an almost imperceptible breath of relief. She was grateful she wouldn't have to attempt explaining it further. "Something like that. I thought it was a good time to pass it on."
And because a part of her needed the reassurance, even if they'd just said it, "You know how much I love you, Ashley?"
“Thank you, mom,” she said honestly. With that deeper meaning to it, she wasn’t about to simply turn the gift aside. Of course, she wasn’t sure when or how often she’d wear it, but she would still keep it.
Then Ashley looked up at Helen, the initial response that came to mind being a teasing one, but she bit that back. “You love me just as much as I love you, mom. Which is to say, a lot.” She smiled warmly.
Another nod, and she gave Ashley’s arm another gentle squeeze, visibly more at ease. It seemed that little bit of reassurance was what she needed most right now.
“Now. What are your plans for the rest of the week?” She knew Ashley would want to celebrate with her friends, probably do something a little more fun than spend an evening with her mother.
She gave her mom a warm smile. She could tell Helen needed some reassurance, but she didn’t poke at the reason why. Ashley thought she knew the reason. The whole being lucky to even be alive today after her cancer battle. It did get to Ashley sometimes, but she was generally able to work through it quickly when it did come up.
“I was planning to have a night out with friends, probably at a club. Don’t know when exactly, though. Mostly depends on how work pans out this week.” Even though it was work, Ashley didn’t view her job as a job. She enjoyed what she did, and was able to be even more immersed in something that she gave credit to helping her become the woman she was today.
In a way, she wasn't wrong. Helen was always acutely aware of just how fortunate they had been. She was grateful for every day she had with Ashley. But now, she had even more reason to be grateful that her daughter was alive and well. Every moment was precious.
She'd needed to be reminded that she hadn't lost her.
"I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know." Yes, Ashley was old enough to make plans and go out on her own, but that didn't stop Helen from worrying, especially when her dreams constantly reminded her what it had felt like to lose her. "Promise me you'll stay safe."
Ashley couldn’t actually tell if her ‘grab life by the horns’ type of attitude was inherited honestly from her parents, or because she’d nearly died once and she wanted to reassure herself that she was living her life to the fullest. She wasn’t about to let opportunities pass her by if there was anything she could do about it. Well, at least aside from the romance part of her life. Ashley was more than lacking in her romantic life and she tended to be both highly awkward and very, very blind about it. Which was why she hadn’t been on a date in...a few years.
And then Helen went about being protective mother and Ashley just gave her a look that clearly had that ‘Seriously mom’ look written all over it. “Mom, I’m not twelve anymore,” she half-teased. “But yes, I’ll stay safe and I’ll let you know where I’m going.”
The one thing Ashley was certain of was that if she told Helen where she was going to be, there was a next to zero percent chance that Helen would actually show up at the place. Ashley could not picture Helen at a club. Though maybe she’d have to take her to one some day just for the priceless look on her face of seeing how people interacted in such a place.
...and that was an idea filed away for later.
Likely, it was some combination of the two. There had been a time when Helen was far bolder, far more willing to take chances and go after what she wanted. But that was in the past. John had broken her heart, and in many ways, her spirit as well.
“You’re still my little girl.” She used that same, lightly teasing tone, but it was clearly her way of asking Ashley to humor her. “Thank you. I like to know you’re okay.”
Helen may have been protective, but she wouldn’t stalk her daughter to watch over her. She did have some limits. Besides which, there were certain places, she simply didn’t belong. A woman her age had no business in an establishment catering to twentysomethings. Especially when she sometimes felt every one of the hundred plus years she’d lived in the Dreams.