Kíli could have anything down his trousers. (_kili_) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-04-07 00:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kili, tauriel |
Who: Tauriel, Kili, Dis (npc’d mom!)
What: Dinner time! And talking about Tauriel’s future job as the Warhammer Ale girl in TV commercials.
When: April, after this text from Tauriel.
Rating: Low
Status: Complete!
Despite all the aches and pains of shrinking, Kili was pretty excited by the time Saturday rolled around. He had made himself look comfortable but presentable, and spent a few hours (or what felt like an eternity) reassuring his mother that he wasn’t going to keel over dead any time soon. Or in the immediate future. He even promised. Really, the way she was acting was a bit overboard, over the ‘Well, we don’t know what he has at this juncture’ doctor visit, and being poked by countless needles for blood tests and the likes. Little did Kili realize when he woke up that morning, but his mom had pulled out ALL of the extensive family albums and baby books, which Kili did not even know that she had and made him sit for a bare minimum of three hours, getting his hair combed out into fro-ville by her fingers, his back patted until he coughed, and his shoulder used as a handkerchief.
Thankfully, he was saved from further trauma by the fact that he had another shirt to put on and they both had a meal to cook. Kili happily escaped to do the BBQ portion of it, while his mother took care of too many side dishes and hollering at him to not burn the meat.
After he spent a long time hollering back that he wasn’t burning it, Kili burned that batch of meat and had better luck the second time around. All the while, he was keeping one ear open for a knock on the front door or a doorbell buzzing...or Tauriel doing cartwheels through a bunch of ninjas while carrying a six pack of ale, to show off for her mom.
Which, to think on it, that would be AMAZING as far as entrances went.
Tauriel had no way of knowing, yet, that Kili was shrinking, or that he had some kind of degenerative disease, or that she was actually some kind of elven badass who was awesome at making amazing entrances. What she did know was that something was up, and that the Kili family liked walnuts and chocolate.
So when she finally did arrive (a bit late, since she'd also burned her own first batch of brownies), she arrived with a huge bag in her hands, and knocked on the door. It was less amazing than dodging a bunch of ninjas and cartwheeling through, but she had walnut brownies freshly baked and stacked in a bunch of tins. She didn't want to jostle them!
She’d made a large effort to look nice and had styled her hair so that her ears weren’t poking out too far. Hopefully she looked nice! Tauriel wasn’t usually this nervous about these sort of things, but she wanted to make a good impression. And Kili was cute. That might have had something to do with it.
He perked up in an instant and went running. Even before his mom could finish bellowing "KILI, GET THE DOO---!" the door flew open and Kili (slightly up on his tiptoes to maintain height) was grinning brightly at Tauriel. And he kept right on grinning, as his mother finished with "---OOOOR!"
He quickly turned his head, opened his mouth, and bellowed out, "I’VE GOT IT!" Then it was back to the inside voice, when he addressed Tauriel, "Hulloooooo, Tauriel! You look really nice today! Here, let me take that, and I'll try not to drop it." He took the brownies tins like they were made of precious gold and held the door open with an elbow. "Come in! She’s in the kitchen finishing up, but it’s all mostly done. I think."
As for the actual inside of the house, it looked neat, orderly, and cozy. It matched the outside perfectly. It wasn't opulent or showy, but it definitely wasn't the home of poor people either. There were expensive looking nicknacks every which way, cozy oversized chairs, and not a hole in the wall could be spied as far as the eye could see in there. And that is because both Fili and Kili were very good at patching holes and painting over them. Don't ask how many times the front door had been repaired, either. They had each lost count.Wooden houses aren't sturdy enough for Dwarves.
The place looked very cozy indeed! Tauriel especially spotted the comfy looking chairs over one of Kili's shoulders, and worried that if she sat on one she might get so comfortable that she fell asleep. That's how very comfortable it looked.
Her eyes glanced down a bit as she handed the tins of brownies over to him, though, and she caught a glimpse of him trying to stand on his tip-toes. What was going on? Why wasn't he talking about it? She was going to get to the bottom of this. Somehow. There was a bit of mischievous twinkle in her eye as she stepped into the house through the door, "Thank you! Your place looks quite cozy! And your mother's still cooking? Shall I go and offer her a hand? She's not cooking onions, is she?"
They were very squarish comfy chairs, but comfy nonetheless. Sit! Sleep! Throw your legs over the arms of it! They care not! Them chairs were made for lounging. And Kili was trying to edge himself up and down on his toes while looking like he wasn't doing anything like that, so please do not notice it, and for the love of all that was holy, he was silently praying inside that his mother wouldn't go cry face and whip out baby photos, and mention any doctor appointments.
"You're quite welcome. She's finishing up, I’m sure there’s onions in something, and so let's just..." He kicked the door shut with one foot while trying to balance on the other, still slightly on tippy toes. "Let's...just a moment I’ve got to...MA! SHE'S HERE!!! Do that."
"I HEARD THE KNOCK ON THE...!" Out of the kitchen popped a petite brunette who had just the barest traces of stubble shadow under the skin of her jawline, and a pink glow to her face that spoke volumes about having just had it all waxed and zapped and all sorts of things. "...oh, you are very tall, aren't you? She's lovely! And you." She walked over and smacked Kili with a tea towel. "You mentioned she was stunty and flippy and I thought she looked rough, as though she'd hit her face into a few too many walls. Next time, use the phone I got you and take a photo. My poor, poor boy, with his unfortunate..."
"She brought brownies!" Look at the tins he is now holding up. "WITH WALNUTS!"
"I love walnuts!" his mother exclaimed, taking the tins and saying to Tauriel, "You shouldn't have! Only you should, because we're going to eat so many of these, we might burst. Come along and make yourself at home! You’re a guest and we can talk about flipping and beating up things over a meal."
"Well, I do enjoy a bought of flipping and beating up things, and I especially enjoy discussing things like that over a meal or drinks! Thank you for inviting me into your home and giving me t his chance, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it," Tauriel replied, doing a bit of a curtsey. She was blushing over the fact that Kili's mother thought she was pretty at all, and trying not to stare at his mother's face too long. Mainly because he'd told her many times not to stare.
Though she couldn't really see a reason to stare, anyway. His mother mainly looked happy and glowy, though her eyes looked a little red, and her sharp ears picked up on the fact that something unfortunate was going on with her son.
Something that he obviously didn't want her to talk about, since he was now shouting about walnuts, "Your home looks so very comfortable that I'm honestly afraid I'll end up sleeping on one of your chairs, which would be quite rude! I'd love to lend a hand in the kitchen if there's anything to do there..."
"All finished! You're a guest, so you get to reap the benefits of our hospitality, and sleep it off in a chair. Carb overload tends to do that," Kili's mom was saying, before she reminded herself that more formal introductions were necessary. She tucked the tins in the crook of one arm, brushed her hand off on the tea towel she had used to smack Kili, and held her hand out for a handshake. "I'm Dis. If the neighborhood's ever on fire, full of axe murderers or nuclear irradiated zombies, please don't hesitate to come over? We'll be killing them en masse. If you're quite stunty, then you're welcome to join."
That handshake was done with a grip of steel. Not even on purpose, simply because the matriarch of this branch of the family didn't know her own strength. Both Kili and Dis were smiling, making the family resemblance between them even more obvious than before.
Kili looked ready to bolt to the table and dig in, since he hadn't eaten at all, all day long. He was doing a little bounce every so often, off his toes, while standing in place. It wasn't helping that he was trying to remain on his toes either, as a default state. He had to go even higher, and his legs were achy and getting tired, even if he tried not to show it.
Tauriel couldn't help but continue to grin happily at Dis. This welcome was overwhelmingly positive, and it was hard not to immediately like the other woman. She returned the handshake firmly and nodded her head enthusiastically. After all, she very much enjoyed killing zombies and other such evil things en masse, and some company was always welcome.
"That's really very gracious of you! I do so love slaying evil, I have to admit. I've told Kili a few stories of my exploits here already! He was quite cross that he couldn't join us in the slaughter of things last month..." Tauriel squinted at Kili, then, like she was still trying to puzzle through something, "...Because of some bought of illness or something... I hope you're feeling better! You sound like you are, but you're acting very oddly."
All was quiet. Painfully, terribly, no-takes-backsies quiet.
Whereas Dis looked like she had suddenly been chopping invisible fantasy onions right then and there (but was admirably trying to keep a stiff upper lip about it), Kili's eyes looked as big as dinner plates and that smile was pretty much frozen in time like a carving into stone, on the lower half of his face. If one strained their hearing, they might be able to hear the faintest high-pitched whirring squeak of wheels turning at mach 5 inside of his skull.
His mother took the helm before her son floundered, resting one hand on his back and trying her hardest not to throw a big fat damper on the dinner party by bursting into tears all over again.
"Oh, he's getting along as best he can. He was much sicker last month, but he's doing quite well right now. Quite well." She patted his back and Kili looked as though it was okay to let out the breath he had been holding in. "We muddle through things worse than a little feeling under the weather, all of the time."
Which was true, since there was always something going on with the immediate family, the extended family, the cousins, the nephews, the great-great aunts, and the close-knit friends of the family who had been friends of the family for 100 or so years, and so their children would, therefore, also be friends of the future family.Ah, the secretiveness of Dwarven folk and Keep-It-Within-The-Kin mentality. Even if one of them doesn't know she is what she was, and it might only be a matter of time before Kili might actually pull Tauriel aside and tell her on his own.
"Yes, muddling through," Kili agreed. "That's us."
They both smiled at Tauriel again, although Dis' smile looked a little broken and Kili's looked a little too forced.
"To the table!" Dis suddenly said, rushing off with the brownie tins under one arm, like they were both meant to follow. And look there! Kili gave one little bounce and he was turning to go, because his usual bounce in his step was hindered by an 'ouch, I forgot that aches' split second.
"Well you definitely seem like a tough family who can handle just about anything. I doubt a flu or a cold would stand a chance against any of you," She agreed, smiling encouragingly.
It was clear, though, that there was definitely something wrong. Wrong enough that Tauriel couldn't help but worry even more than before. It was a wrong enough thing going on that they didn't even want to talk about it.
She supposed that was fair, though. She was nearly a complete stranger to them, though Kili was a friend. They hadn't known each other very long. Not long enough to go sharing secrets, though they'd certainly already shared a few.
Either way, she resolved to put that all behind her for now and simply enjoy the dinner that awaited them. She followed Dis and Kili, bouncing a bit on her own heels, "It all smells so very good, and looks delicious! I forgot to eat lunch at all, I was so busy making brownies, so I'm starving."
The table in the dining room was piled high with too much bottles of beer, meat, bread, sauteed mushrooms, and various potatoey things for three people to possibly ever eat or drink. It was going to be a good attempt though. And yes, somewhere in there, was some things with onion in it. It was not so much a meal as a mini-feast, and now it had walnut brownies being added into it. You will all eat, drink, be merry...and burst at the seams.
"You're starving? Good, good!" Dis said, while smacking Kili so he didn't sit down first and instead pulled out a chair for Tauriel. "You can sit here, to my right, and Kili may sit to my left. Chair!"
"I was going to!" he protested, before reassuring Tauriel as he pulled the chair out, "I was going to. Really."
"I was helping him remember," his mother said, in that tone that mothers use when they are not to be questioned. She was smiling at him though, because he was her baby, even if he was over the age of twenty-one, and was suffering from some mysterious bone shortening disease that medical science couldn't figure out. Stiff upper lip? It is firmly in place.
Meanwhile, Kili was sneaking peeks between Tauriel and at that stiff upper lip his mom was trying to hold in place, much like someone who was watching a dam that they knew was about to get cracks in it, and knowing that the floodgates might open any time now to release some of the build up pressure.
"This is a feast to rival even the feasts I've seen in my dreams," Tauriel praised, while heading for the chair Dis pointed out to her. She'd been about to sit in it by herself when Kili bounded over to get it for her. It was a pleasant surprise, even though his mom had reminded him to do it. She looked a bit bashful as she sat down.
Take that, Legolas. Beneath her indeed. A man who was beneath her wouldn't have gotten the chair like a gentleman, "Your son is quite the gentleman. I'm very impressed!"
She took great care to pull a napkin onto her lap, then looked between the matriarch of the family and her friend, unsure if there were family rituals to go through (like saying grace) before digging in, "Are those sauteed mushrooms over there? Brilliant."
"I was going to get the chair," he said, again, because he was going to. Then he made his way around the table and sat down, looking as though he was relieved to finally get to sit down.
Dis smiled with pride and nodded, at both the sauteed mushrooms she had fussed over, and that her youngest son had some manners left, even if they were all loud and obnoxious the rest of the time. Even if Fili was at work that evening, Dis was looking very much pleased that someone else had noticed that she had yelled some etiquette into her sons.
"They are! Sauteed in a little wine and with onions. Very tasty." She clapped her hands together and caught the dream mention but simply thought that Tauriel needed to eat more, so she must be dreaming about food a lot. "Here's where we grab and go!" And that said, she took a hunk of barbequed meat and slapped it down onto her plate, followed by heaping helpings of everything that was in reach. And when something was out of reach? "Kili, be a dear and throw me some bread, would you?"
"Sure, sure." And he leaned over, grabbed a roll, and tossed it directly at his mom's plate. He smiled and was pouring out beer at the same time, with his other hand. "There you are! Do you want one too, Tauriel?"
And bloop! There was a thrown roll, right onto the side of her plate. It rolled to a stop, like a bready little bowling ball.
"You should throw her some of the potatoey thing," suggested Dis, pointing over at it.
"Oh, too right! I should!" And Kili went reaching for the spoon. There is still time to stop him, since it is apparent that the mom of the family taught her sons to be gentlemanly, but the family mealtime was a nightmare of table etiquette.
The table etiquette was actually refreshing. Tauriel'd had plenty of very stuffy 'family' meals between her aunt and uncles house and the boarding school she'd grown up in.
She grinned as the roll came flying at her, and then held her plate up a bit so that he'd have more of a target to land the potatoes on, "Go on, toss me some of that potatoey thing! It really does look delicious! I'm certain you'll get it right on my plate!"
Tauriel was certain enough to keep on holding the plate up with one hand, while adding meat and a helping of mushrooms to it with the other, along with some helpings of the other offerings that caught her eye. There was still plenty of room for the potatoey thing to land.
They were using some really big dinner plates, "And I'll take a beer, too, though please don't go tossing that at me. Sliding it across the table will do just as nicely. I'll catch it before it slides off, promise!"
SPLAT went a heaping spoonful of potatoey thing onto the plate, with expert aim.
"Bullseye!" Kili called out, and then asked, "Do you want some of these braised carroty things as well? And a beer, coming right up!"
"Slide it around the beef pile," Dis reminded, so it didn't land in it and knock over their meat mountain.
"Right!" Kili said, while chewing on another bite of bread roll. "Mind, it'll be open already and if some splashes out, it's happened before and it'll happen again!"
While his mother nodded in agreement with that statement, Kili used the edge of the table to pop the cap off the bottle. He leaned to one side and a bottle of beer went sliding between meat mountain and between the rolling bread roll hillside and the mushroom bounty. ENJOY.
This was the most unbelievably awesome dining experience ever. Tauriel cheered as the potatoes landed right on the empty spot on the plate, and then she freed up her hand (which had previously been trying to stretch-reach towards the braised carrots), and grabbed the beer as it came sliding towards her.
"Brilliant!" Tauriel exclaimed. She waved her plate in the air for a second, hoping that Kili would somehow get her mental telegram about the carrots. She was a little too busy knocking back beer to vocally ask, and it was really good beer. She hoped that was the beer she'd be doing commercials for, because it was well worth it. Maybe she'd even negotiate some of the payment as beer.
It was a shame that it rarely made her even passingly intoxicated anymore.
A pile of carrot slices landed on her plate, since the hint was taken. Sure, some of the carrots were lost onto the table and one even rolled off onto the floor, but it was very hard to aim with carrots. They never want to stay put. That's a fact.
Kili and Dis toasted their guest with their beers and then GLUG GLUG GLUG, chugged them down as quick as could be, slammed the bottles down in almost unison, and they each reached for another. It might be a bad thing that they do not have the same super liver that Tauriel has, since they will get very intoxicated at some point in the evening. For now though? Drinking was happening. And Dis letting out a ladylike belch was also happening, because it’s home and their guest seemed to fit in, and she somewhat stubbornly isn’t about to curb her habits to accommodate.
"So! The ale," Kili asked, "do you like it? That's the stuff my mother here came up with! It's very roasted hoppy. Which would make for a great commercial if you were hoppy and setting things on fire!"
"Ahhh! Warhammer Ale's my pride and joy," Dis proclaimed, pounding one fist down on the table so that every bowl and platter jumped off the table for a second. "It's like my third baby, only it's drinkable. I don't know what that says about that!"
"It says that's really rather wrong, ma," Kili pointed out while chewing on potatoey thing, with a huge grin. He was feeling more at ease, already. This might not end poorly. "But it is a great ale!" Proven by the fact that he immediately gulped down what he had been eating and chugged some more beer, like a fish sucks in water.
The more belching the better! It put Tauriel at ease, and she let out a belch of her own after glug glug glugging down her beer. She even wiped her mouth off on the sleeve instead of being all dainty and british about it with a napkin. It seemed appropriate with this crowd!
She took a moment to shovel in delicious, glorious, wonderful food, then reached for another beer to wash it down with. Which was good, because Kili was talking at her now, and she needed to have a clear mouth to speak with!
The beer got popped open on the edge of the table, and she knocked more of it back, while holding up a finger which represented that she needed a moment to answer. Then, she reached out and speared some more meat while finally replying, "It's the most delicious ale I ever tasted. I was sincerely hoping that this was the ale I was going to get to do a commercial for, because it's just superior. Even to most of the stuff they brew at home, to be honest. Though they might take away my passport for saying such a thing!"
She was very excited about this, and she hoped that showed! But in case it didn't, she knocked back the rest of that second bottle and grabbed for a third while helping herself to a roll. And tossing one to each of her hosts, just in case they needed more bread, too.
"You can say that as much as you'd like!" Dis proclaimed, loudly, since she was already on her third beer and counting, and this girl had forever endeared herself due to her mighty ability to burp a good burp at the dinner table.
Even Kili was impressed and he nodded in agreement with what Tauriel said, all while trying to gnaw on ribs at the same time.
"Mmmphhmm, it is! When I told her about it," he started saying, pausing only to take another bite and chew a couple of times, "she was keen on the idea. It really is good ale, and they ought have a commercial for it too, that's equally bum kicky to match."
"Indeed, they should," Dis proclaimed, once again, while pounding her fist down on the table. Make it so! "I want action and fire and faces kicked in, and then at the end of running a gauntlet, the beautiful maiden...that's you, dear girl...reaches the prize at the end which is a big tankard of ale, and chugs it down. Like the Carl's Jr commercials with pretty women eating giant messy burgers. Only with beer."
"I think that's brilliant! I would buy so much of that," Kili agreed, cheerfully. He tossed the rib bone aside and reached for his own beer. He was really happy that Tauriel seemed to mesh so well, and had forgotten his worries from earlier. "I've drank enough of it already for free? But if I didn't get it straight from the company's head brewmaster, then I would be paying for it!"
"Yes!" Tauriel clapped her hands together, completely forgetting that one of them still had a rib in it. Barbecue sauce was all over her fingers, and she was definitely going to turn her attention to licking them clean. That was something they would have stared aghast at her for doing back home. She was so. bloody. glad. she'd moved to America.
"I can do all of that! I've worked with fire and fencing before, and am very good at the sort of agility... tumbling and rolls and all of those kinds of things. Though I fear if you need a demonstration it's going to have to wait until after I digest all of this. Do you think I could get some free beer as part of my contract?"
The idea of a commercial where she got to chug a beer at the end was fantastic. She secretly hoped that she didn't get things right on the first take, so that she had a reason to chug more than one beer.
Napkins? What napkins. Napkins were for wimps and real menand hairy little womenused their tongues or their clothing or abearddishtowel for the big messes on their faces. Dis still had her towel nearby, but otherwise, it was a free for all. At least there was enough food for Fili, later on, since there was no way they were all eating that all by themselves. There were next day leftovers, even, and Tauriel would probably be taking some home with her. Along with as much free beer as she could carry.
"Of course!" Dis said, like that was entirely within question. "Free beer can be arranged, as well as a nice big paycheck for being the televised face! You simply have to sign the contract with the human relations department, and it's done and done!"
The contract was going to be 38293829832893 miles long. That’s not including the fine print.
"She's fought off dark nasty things recently," Kili blurted out, really excited like, "and didn't get a scratch on her! I'll bet she can do all of that and then some, and finish it all looking fantastic. I wouldn't mind being there to watch, but I've got a job to do too, and I don't think they'd let me on a film set. I might crash it all down."
Despite the fact he admitted he was a wrecking ball yet again, Kili brightly smiled across the table at Tauriel, like she was the single-most greatest thing on the entire planet.Sure you are only friends. Sure you are.
There was even more finger licking going on after Tauriel helped herself to another rib, and she paused with one finger still in her mouth. Kili's praise didn't fall on deaf ears. She blushed a bit, and darted her eyes to the side, and suddenly felt like an idiot with her finger in her mouth.
His mother was right there, too! She glanced over at Dis, and belatedly let her finger fall out of her mouth, "It's nothing, I wasn't the only one there! I'm capable enough, though, but I'm not the only capable person around here and... I didn't get a scratch on me, no. But I don't really think I looked fantastic."
A pause as she grabbed herself a fifth beer, "But yes, I'd love to come down and sign the contract after I have a look-over, and free beer is fantastic, always!"
Kili was still smiling, and probably would be until his mother wondered why he had gone silent and moony all of a sudden.
"I think Kili gave over the contact information so I'm sure they'll get in touch with you shortly, after I tell them that I highly approve! Isn't that right, Kiiiiiiii...oh for heaven's sake," Dis said, picking up her dishtowel, twirling it up and towel whipping her youngest son in the shoulder. "Kili!"
"What what what?" he asked, rubbing his shoulder, all wide eyed and unaware of what had been being said. Such was the effect of Tauriel blushing and being prettiful. "What's going on now?"
"I highly approve of your friend, that you suggested for the commercial!"
"Oh. Oh, right! Yes, so do I! Tauriel’s really going to be great for this,” Kili said while nodding like a bobblehead. “Now you probably see why Fili and I haven't ever really moved out! Free ale.”
“We drink our weight in it!" Dis chimed in, but she was looking between Kili and Tauriel, as tough she was slowly adding two and two together.
"I don't think I'd have moved out of my Aunt and Uncle's place if there'd been free beer to be had all the time, either. Except I'm glad that I did, because I didn't much like their company and I'm certain that even the best of ale wouldn't have improved it," Tauriel admitted, extremely happy to be changing the subject.
She leaned back in her chair a bit, and patted her stomach, "I think I have just enough room left for about three of those brownies."
"The brownies!" Kili exclaimed, dropping everything and reaching over for a tin of them. "Let's eat until we can't move and then complain about it while we sit in over-sized chairs!"
"Delightful!" agreed Dis, holding out one hand for a brownie and not letting go of her beer with the other hand. "Let's do that. We can even yell and make terrible faces at the television if it shows things that anger us."
Brownies were had. And lo and behold! They were most yum, because walnuts make everything chocolatey even better.Unless it's a pillow made of walnuts in the shell and then that might be debatable.