Damon Salvatore is complicated. (flipstheswitch) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2014-02-14 09:00:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, damon salvatore, samandriel |
Who: Samandriel & Damon Salvatore
Where: Egypt
What: After Effects of Everything
When: 2/1
Rating: Pretty low (some language)
Status: Complete
Damon looked at his phone again. He actually flipped back to an older message before turning it off. It was fun saying that they were fucked before, but this was fucked, and it didn’t feel like much fun. His relationship with his fiance was destroyed, Samandriel was pissed at him, according to Elena, or at least had been, and he had no idea where he stood, or what was going on, but he had to relax. He had to find something that he could hold on to, that was not changing. He also had to make amends for whatever he had done as his life exploded.
When Samandriel showed up, he opened the door, just offering a simple smile. “Hey,” he said. It wasn’t the greeting he wanted, but it was better to start off small and not assume a thing. “Let me grab my sunglasses, and we can go.”
He put keys in his pocket and the glasses in his shirt. He was closed off, but that was strictly a safety measure for the moment. He flipped a hat over his dark hair, leaving it on even though he thought it made him look like a tourist. “What do you think?” he asked. Samandriel said they were going to have a conversation that they didn’t want to have, and it was making him nervous, but he wasn’t going to say it. If he lost both him and Elena, he deserved it.
“That you’re going to be wearing your sunglasses at night,” Samandriel pointed out. “It’s seriously like two am there.” He smiled teasingly regardless of how tense he really was. He didn’t need Damon to say anything. He could feel it radiating off of him. All that anxiety and possible fear.
One hand on Damon’s shoulder and he took them both to the quiet little sandbar on the Nile he decided he liked. It was dark and calm, the stars out in even more number than they had been on that night in Italy. The sky was clearer tonight. It was more beautiful than Samandriel ever expected. Of course, he wasn’t entirely sure if he and Damon were seeing the same things. “Talk to me,” he said softly as he sat down on the sand, stretching out on his back while he waited for Damon to join him.
“Eventually it will be day,” he said, giving him a quick, tight smile. He looked around when they arrived, staring up at the sky. It had a calming effect, but the weights were still there. He would love to stay and explore, and just forget the world for awhile. Different places fascinated him. It wasn’t a commonly known fact, but it was true. He wanted to see everything.
He looked over at Samandriel. “Where do I start? I thought I was doing the right thing. I was happy, really truly, and I panicked, and it was stupid. She told everyone else, which I should have expected. You know the rest. I just want it to stop.” He sighed, looking down at his feet, watching the grass blowing in the soft breeze. “I never wanted to hurt you, and I did. When I met Lucifer, I had been taking a beating all day, and I was in no shape to have even been there, and I let it get to me.” He shook his head, thinking of a few other things that were actually more important, but he couldn’t do it yet. “I’m sorry.”
Samandriel kept his gaze up at the sky. “I don’t doubt that you’re genuine in your apology,” he said softly, “but I need to know that you’re going to actually learn from all this mess. I don’t… I can’t be skewered like that again. I’m not sorry for what happened between us. I’m sorry that you managed to be in such a bad place that you...you managed to get on the bad side of the most important person to me. And I’m...just sorry.”
Damon exhaled and looked up, still holding something back. He wasn’t going to let those emotions take control of him. No, that wouldn’t be a pretty sight, and he was tired of feeling pathetic and worthless. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I was stupid. I also drank too much. I just wanted to know there was some place when everything else was crashing. He said that I had a long future if I put in some effort and I think that meant with you. I also have to adopt a way of thinking that I am not used to.” He smiled, but hadn’t yet turned his eyes to the angel that got his confessions. “I was raised in a very conventional house. My parents were strict, and their expectations were high, especially for me.” He shook his head and waved his hand, getting rid of that mental image. “I need to know what you want from me.”
The angel looked over at Damon. He reached out to take his vampire’s hand, well aware how important contact was to the both of them. “A friend,” he said seriously, “first and foremost. I don’t know what your plans are, but we both know that you hurt all three of us.” The angel, the vampire and Elena had not at all emerged from Damon’s revelation unscathed. “So I need time to heal. I’m not saying time apart or a lack of closeness, but clothes need to stay on for a while if you were ever planning on having them come off again between us. You got...really close to breaking my heart here, and I need to relearn how to trust both of us both separately and together.” He licked his lips, looking down at Damon’s hand, his own paler one over it.
He stayed quiet for a moment, but clearly wasn’t finished talking. “I don’t lie,” he said finally. “Except maybe to myself. And I feel like we could both do with a bit more honesty. But you know that my first priority is Lucifer. He always will be. We are...so bound up in each other that there’s no way for us not to be connected somehow. And I don’t...I don’t rank anyone beyond that. I don’t have set priorities or like days of the week when I’m like ‘oh and today I’m going to go sit on Castiel until he pays attention to me.’ Beyond Lucifer’s utmost importance in my life, everyone else shares equal ground with me and I need you to understand that and...and maybe try not to let it get to you. There’s a lot of love in me, Damon. More than enough to go around. And no relationship is ever going to completely satisfy me. It’s just...the nature of relationships. No one can be everything for me. I need Castiel’s focused, worshipful gentleness and desire to please to balance out Lucifer’s...love of order and rules and testing both my focus and patience. I need Dean’s clear command and ability to direct when I need to not have to think at all. And I need you, just you as you are to be someone I can be close to and let my guard down around who isn’t at all related to the heaven and hell madness that is my life. None of this is going to be easy for either of us. But I think we can work at it together, whatever it is, to get to the point where you don’t have to question your importance. You simply are.”
Damon allowed the contact as surely as he always did. He didn’t look over at Samandriel as he spoke, although his lips twisted in a particular place. “I know who you are bonded to. I have never said otherwise, or implied otherwise for that matter. I’ve known that from the start and I really didn’t expect it to change, or for me to be anything more than a friend who you liked to flirt with and look at. The latter was proven wrong.”
He sat quietly, eyes on the horizon, waiting to see a glimpse of sun that would not happen for some time. “How did I come close to breaking your heart? I never said one bad thing about you. I never said or implied that I wouldn’t see you, and I never said goodbye. You never asked, but it should have been clear from the texts the day that Jeremy snapped.” He had plenty of other questions, but they were at the root of most of them.
Samandriel sighed heavily as he looked away, drawing his hand back to his own space while he sat up and kept his gaze down at the ground between his legs. “For someone who wants to protect me,” he said softly, “you did a shit job of telling me you were going to do something like tell her. I woke up with no context to anything whatsoever, just a message spewing so much hate when you knew...you knew more than anyone else that I’d just come out of a very real, very painful place. You may have made it clear in the texts, but until we talked? It felt like you’d literally thrown me to the curb and that I wasn’t worth so much as a goodbye for my troubles.” He stared at his long toes for a moment and then crossed his legs, trying to take up as little space as possible.
“So yeah, it hurt. And then I find out that you’re slut-shaming Elena for going out and exploring her sexual identity while you’re on a break and...apparently taking way too long to get the hint that she didn’t want to sleep with you? It’s not my business what either of you do with your bodies just like it’s not your business what I do with mine, but I… It made me wonder what you think of me. I mean I’m the one here fucking a vampire, a hunter, and three angels. How long would it take you to call me a slut? Or for you to get really hurt and upset and drunk and call me a whore?” Samandriel shrugged again, managing somehow to make himself even smaller as he brought his hands and shoulders in close to the rest of his body. “When you’re Imagination it’s...not hard to visualize what that would look like or sound like and then from there what it would feel like.”
“I didn’t exactly plan on telling her. I still don’t know if that was a mistake or not or maybe she and I were not really meant to last.” He still wasn’t sure of that, and didn’t really know what to do about it. “She showed up, and it was nice, and I felt guilty, so no, I didn’t plan it. I didn’t tell anyone else, so I woke up to the same hate after she told everyone.” He looked over at the withdrawn hand, considering something else for a minute but figured that the angel wouldn’t want that. “If I would have wanted to say goodbye to you, I would have, but I didn’t want that, nor did I ever throw you to the curb. Instead, I wanted to find a way to not keep you as a secret. Honesty maybe wasn’t the best thing.” He felt more fucked now than he ever had. “I hurt the person I love, because I couldn’t give her 100 percent. You have your own place, and that has not changed.”
What he thought of what Samandriel did with his others was something that Damon thought long and hard about. Did he want to be just one of them? Did he want to be used when the angel needed his vampire? What would happen if the vampire needed his angel? There was a reservation there. He did have to protect himself, keep himself from getting extremely hurt. He had questioned this over and over again. “I already knew about you,” he said. “You don’t really keep it a secret. I know I’m not first with you, and never will be. I can’t really pretend to be shocked or surprised. Her and my relationship is just that, and you don’t know everything about it, but thanks for already judging me. You are pushing yourself away over things I haven’t done, and never intended to do.”
Something Samandriel said didn’t sit well with Damon. He knew about that night. He was drunk, of course, and he did something stupid, which he took back immediately. He also didn’t know if he would ever touch her again after that. That was a line he never crossed, but Samandriel knew about it. “How did you know about that night? Let me guess, word travels fast.”
“You hurt both the people you love,” Samandriel pointed out quietly, needing to say it to himself as though that might still be true. “I was hurt, Damon, okay? Hurt and upset and again, imagination. Not everything that goes through my head is as hopeful as I’d like it to be especially now that Michael’s here and I’m...all I can see is a thin line between my brothers fighting again and ashen wings strewn on the ground.” His arms wrapped around his legs and he drew his knees up to his chest. “Hope’s not high on my list of skills at the moment.”
He looked down at his bare feet. “She told me. I texted her because her idiot brother was talking shit about me to my sister and I was just… I can’t keep up a fight on two different fronts. So I mended bridges there and she told me. And then...then we had some very nice wine and attempted to watch a movie on Netflix."
“I hurt both the people I love,” he repeated, and that was true. “You imagination hurt you more than I did, and I get why you automatically assumed I was making some choice, but I thought I was pretty clear when we talked. What did you think I was going to do? Just leave you with maybe an ‘I’m sorry, it was all a lie’ down the road. It wasn’t like that and we both know it.”
Damon rolled his eyes. Elena took pleasure in telling people all the things Damon did wrong. It irritated him more and more. “You realize that she does leave a few details out, not that it matters. Glad you two are much better.” He was tired of having to correct whatever information she was giving everyone. “You know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t have forced her to do a damn thing.”
Damon watched Sam curl up, not really sure why. He wasn’t sure if he should touch him or not. “Dean is supposed to be Michael’s vessel.” He had paid attention, which meant that he still had to think about the request to turn Dean sooner, rather than later. Aside from all of that, he hated this feeling of distance between them, so he sent Samandriel a memory, the one of Damon standing in the moonlight.
Samandriel had shut himself off so firmly that he couldn’t see or hear a damn thing from Damon in that moment. He was afraid. He didn’t like being like that, would much rather run free and laugh like he wanted to. “I know you wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be here if I thought you were that kind of person.” Here with Damon in general, not Egypt specifically.
“And Michael is currently in a vessel that looks much like a younger version of Dean’s father.” It wasn’t John, which answered questions Castiel had about whether or not their bodies were their own or if they had somehow been in vessels this whole time. “I don’t know if it’s going to hold him. We just have to wait and see and I...I need to do my best to keep him on side.” That meant getting Michael attached to him, it meant forming a relationship and convincing the archangel that the last thing he ever wanted to do was break Samandriel’s heart. It was going to be a lot of work, but it would be worth it and it would be mutual.
Damon stifled a sigh. That made things complicated. It was hard enough without that added to the mix. It also explained a lot. Sammy was going to be busy, which meant Damon would keep his distance, or who knew. He couldn’t interfere with angel business, and Samandriel wouldn’t tell him what he didn’t want him to know. Damon would simply be there if he was needed. He wasn’t sure if that worked in the reverse.
He moved around behind the angel, slipping an arm around his waist, legs on either side. “Just relax, okay. Come here.” He offered his chest to lean against. “We are here. Might as well enjoy at least this,” he whispered in his ear. It wouldn’t last, of course, but it was a little bit of an escape. “Sounds like you are going to be gone for awhile but, you know that I’m here if you need me, Sam.”
Samandriel finally allowed himself to lean back against Damon, to be wrapped up in those arms and that embrace. He kept his silence for a long, long moment, allowing himself to gather strength and peace from what Damon was offering him. “Likewise,” he replied. Samandriel wasn’t any good at abandoning the people he cared about, especially if he could be of some help.
“Sometimes,” he said quietly, “no...most of the time...I think I love too easily and too deeply. I don’t know if that’s a side effect of my age or if that’s some sort of angelic trait I’ve always had, but I just… I can’t bear the thought of all of this going to shit again. I’ll lose all of them.” He might still have Damon, of course, but he was almost certain that he wouldn’t survive the fallout himself. If anyone was likely to walk away from things relatively unscathed, it was Gabriel and Dean’s brother and even then…
“I love him, too, you know. Always have. I love all of them. They’re my brothers. They’re the only family I’ve actually got and I just… I need them. Maybe before they didn’t realize that they needed me, but who knows. This time, they might.” It was a lot to hope on even for an angel who built his life on hope, who could hope enough to see the good in Lucifer and to make sure everyone else saw it too. “I don’t like feeling like so much of this rests on my shoulders.” Maybe it didn’t actually, but at least a lot of it did and that much felt like the whole damn world.
There was a sarcastic though or two floating through his head, which he tried to keep quiet. There were things about the whole situation that annoyed him. He had no business in whatever this group was doing, and Samandriel was working off a supposition about what could happen. Sleeping with all of them wasn’t exactly glue. “Why does it rest on your shoulders? Really, Sam. What would happen if you stepped out of it? Would they really go to war?”
He had his own theories, not that they would matter much, but he might as well pitch in. “We are who we were before the dreams. I was not born in 1840. I was born in 1990. I didn’t actually fight in the Civil War, even if I dream about it. I may be turning into a vampire, but I’m still the guy who went to high school and college in Huntington Beach and UC Irvine, and I teach history at the high school. My becoming a vampire doesn’t change those things. These are not the same people that waged war in Heaven years ago. Why would this happen all over again?”
“My brother and I had a sort of feud going for years in the dreams. We aren’t going to do that here. I am sure ‘angel business’ is a little different.” He also wasn’t going to start sleeping with Stefan just to hold the two of them together in some odd way. Unconsciously, he had started rebuilding those walls that had been torn down.
“And I’m still just a barely eighteen year old kid who has been left alone and shunted off on other people his entire life,” Samandriel pointed out. “Ignored. Devalued. Literally and Figuratively sold. Tortured.” And still, he did his best to help everyone he could, to keep giving of himself like somehow people might choose to stick around because he loved him and not just disappear even though he would have begged them to stay. “Even the one person I thought I could rely on since I was small and I never thought any of this would happen has turned her back on me. And for what? To sit there and agree with Jeremy that I’m apparently awful?”
He closed his eyes, wrapping Damon’s arms tighter around him. “I can’t be alone anymore,” he whispered. “And...and I need to not feel like I’m judged for taking whatever positive physical contact I can get because I spent my whole life completely starved for affection.”
Damon gave him a little, wry laugh in his ear. “You have seen my father, right? That wasn’t exactly a loving relationship. I actually think it describes a love/hate relationship. There wasn’t torture - .” He looked at Samandriel, wondering what that actual torture was. “I was never the most affectionate. I shut that part off. It saves me a lot of other emotions, keeps them from getting in the way. I’m really good at shutting down. I know that’s a shock.”
Damon kept his arms right where they were. “Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean that they think you are awful. Keeping a circle of lovers doesn’t really make them stay either. You do have Lucifer, and you know he’s in it for the long haul, and I don’t think Dean and Cas would go anywhere, even if you weren’t sleeping with them. You are going to find people who don’t think being part of a growing circle is enough.”
“Trust me, I’m not judging. I’ve fucked my way around LA, and not given it a second thought. Whether or not we sleep together again, that night alone was special. I don’t say that very often, but there will also be a time where I want to be someone’s one, not one of many.” He kept his arms tight around him, refusing to move. He wanted to see his face, but yet he didn’t.
“A love/hate relationship is better than none at all,” Samandriel pointed out. The rest of everything cut far too deeply for the young angel to feel comfortable commenting on. It was the same kind of shaming he was getting used to experiencing small as it was in this case.
“I can’t give you one.” He couldn’t give anyone one. He couldn’t even manage that for Lucifer. But Damon and everyone else had known that from the start. “But I can give you me for now. While we’re together. That…it has to count for something. Maybe not much, but something.”
“Yes, it is something,” he said. Damon had taken a lot of hits lately, mostly for the same reason that he had spoke of. He had opened himself up, let someone else in, and a lot of people got hurt. “Not everyone is going to feel the same way you do. Even though we are together right now, I know I’m not ever going to be the first choice. I know that, just like I know that there is no particular line. We are all even. I also know you want to keep us all happy, just like that.”
He drew a line down the angel’s face with his finger. “You said I almost broke your heart, and it would take you awhile to trust yourself with me, or something like that. What about what it did to mine?”
Samandriel turned away from that touch, something about it feeling far too much like tracing the path of tears he wasn’t going to shed. “What did it do to yours?” he asked, feeling like that was the question Damon wanted him to ask no matter how much the answer was probably just going to break the angel further. He didn’t like all this talk about the first choice. It felt like a conversation they were perpetually having. One where Damon pointed out that he wasn’t first and Samandriel pointed out that it didn’t mean he wasn’t a priority at all. He was getting too tired to deal with having that talk again. It made him feel like Damon thought their whole relationship was worthless on some level.
Damon bristled a little, feeling Samandriel pull away, but that was what he expected. He wasn’t behaving himself, being agreeable. He was considering what he needed, when the angel tended to not, or at least that was his perception. “Doesn’t matter, or maybe it does. It hurt. A lot. I got through a breakup, with someone I was really close to, you somehow decided that I was making a choice, and then went off to make her feel better. I don’t know about you, but that really sucked for me, especially now that I know I’m being punished for your imagination, when I never walked away from you.”
He sighed, but he also refused to let go. “I asked you to take me somewhere because I needed a break, and I wanted to see you. That is still true.” He sat quietly for a minute, having a hard time explaining what it all meant to him. Their relationship wasn’t worthless, and he did know he was important, at least on some level. Still, he wanted to be chosen, to be one that someone else thought of first thing in the morning and last before they fell asleep. “I’m also not leaving you.”
“I know,” Samandriel said, answering all of those points. He turned around, wiggling until he was facing Damon, legs stretched out over and on either side of the vampire’s. He touched the other man’s face, focused on his eyes in the dark. “We both need to stop being stupid.” But of course Samandriel had no intention of heeding his own advice. He was going to keep being stupid, because for him being stupid meant trying when the smart move might’ve been to follow Gabriel’s lead and not get involved.
He leaned in and kissed Damon lightly, slowly, hoping that his vampire would understand forgiveness and repentance through touch rather than the way their conversation seemed to keep running circles around itself. They’d both fucked up. They’d both failed to consider each other’s needs. They could fix this. They could come out of it better and stronger. They just had to work at it.
Damon’s brow arched and one side of his mouth curled up in that smirk. “I will when you will,” he replied. They were both fucked anyway, but Damon kind of liked that. He supposed they couldn’t not be in each other’s lives, at least in some capacity. He returned the kiss with another. Where words didn’t do much for him, contact always did.
He also decided that he was thinking way too much, trying to overanalyze things that he already knew the answers to. He had made a few decisions of his own, but they could manage them. Sure, he would make those same stupid choices, and consider everyone else before himself, which got him in more trouble than not, but that was who Damon was as well, especially when he cared.
“Stop,” Samandriel said softly. “We’re not going backwards on this.” He pulled away, but only enough to speak. He kept his fingers running through that dark hair, attempting to be soothing though he could feel the tension radiating off of his vampire. “Don’t shut me out, not…not when you’ve just started to let me help. Please, Damon.” Samandriel took care of people. To have the other man locking himself up like that made him feel...useless. Perhaps Damon didn’t even really get that. Maybe they were both stuck in the sense of presumed failure that they couldn’t seem to properly help each other. Or… or maybe neither of them really wanted help.
“I’m not shutting you out,” he answered quickly. “I’m really not. You and I are here and we are together.” Maybe there were a few of those defenses that were lurking, but it was an easy way to deal with self doubt. As good as he was at raising his guard, the angel was equally adept at taking it down. Damon didn’t really think that it was presumed failure that caused them to be raised in the first place. It was protective of a heart that wasn’t always logical. He also wanted someone to care enough to not give up until they broke through.
“You do the same thing though, at least in that ‘angel business’ way.” There was something that had been bothering him for awhile, that nobody seemed to understand, or think was as big an issue as it was. “The dreams are coming a lot faster. I’m changing soon. I don’t want to die.”
Samandriel did his best to keep touching Damon, to keep him calm and make sure he could feel that he was loved. “It won’t be a true death,” he whispered, “you might cease to be of the living, but you’ll still be alive. You’ll still be able to be exactly who you are now just different. We’ve got this all covered, don’t we?” he said, pulling back to look him in the eye, “you’re not going to hurt anyone. You’ve got a willing food supply right here in your lap and no matter what sort of emotional relationship drama happens between us, that’s not going to change. I know you’re afraid. I’ve been there too, but there’s no reason for it. You’re adaptable. You’ll be fine. I believe in you, Damon. Even when you can’t believe in yourself.”
Damon’s forehead rested against Samandriel’s, his hand stroked his face. “I know I’ll be fine, but I may never be human again. It’s like one of those irreversible changes that is not even my choice. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to control it. What if I’m starving, or I snap before you get to me? In the dreams, I removed a heart with my bare hands, and I really don’t have trouble feeding when I need too.” He definitely still had plans to feed on the angel, and he knew that he would enjoy it just as he did now. “I believe I will adjust, but I don’t think it will be that easy.” Would he still be loved if he had no control, if he did take a life? “You can’t exactly be there every single time I need a meal.”
The angel let his vampire touch him as he pleased. “I stopped being human too,” he whispered, “and it wasn’t my choice and for a while as things happened, I couldn’t control them. But...you’re underestimating me, Damon. I can hear you. Here.” He moved the other man’s hand down to his chest even though that was just as inaccurate as it would have been if he’d tapped his head. It was a different sort of hearing and he didn’t know how to explain it to anyone who hadn’t experienced it. “We’ll come up with a code word and you...send that to me so I know to drop everything and be there for you. I can travel huge distances in the span of a thought. If you need me, I can be there before you even take a step in the wrong direction.”
Damon understood what Samandriel meant well enough. It wasn’t hearing, it was feeling. He wasn’t sure how that came across, but he trusted it. “I could be interrupting something important, you know. You might hear that call in the middle of sex.” He actually smiled a little, which turned into his soft laugh. “I don’t know if we need a code word for I’m fucking starving, or angry.” He had already known that anger brought out that hunger. That might be the hardest issue yet. Anger and control were very conflicting emotions, and his tendency to lash out was legend, even in dreams.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine and when I have control, we can get some blood bags from the hospital or something so you don’t always have to be right there. That’s a lot to ask.” Damon didn’t want to be dependent on anyone. That was not like him. Samandriel had his own life, and Damon fluttered around the outside of it. Another thought had stuck with him through the day - them. Fucked. Why did he have to care the way he did? He leaned forward and kissed him lightly, but lingered in it for a few minutes, then sat back and took the angel’s wrist. He looked at the veins pulsing there, considering how that would work as it seemed to in the dreams.
“So I hear the call in the middle of sex,” Samandriel pointed out, shrugging. “You not ripping people’s throats out is way more important than me getting laid. Besides, you’re the one who’s gonna have to deal with me showing up half fucked.” He returned Damon’s kiss gently. “If you want to bite now, you can,” he said, unsure of what was going on in the vampire’s head. He wanted to know, but at the same time it was much nicer to just talk about it instead of plucking thoughts out of the air between them.
Damon was in a bit of a better mood now, but there was a shift there. He had come to a realization and it was becoming clearer. “I’d love to see that flushed look on your face, and you would be telling me to hurry up so you can get back to whatever you were doing.” The thought made him laugh even more. “If that happens, I’ll be quick. In the dreams, I can drain someone in a minute or two.”
He kept his hand, but didn’t bite yet. “Maybe we aren’t so fucked. You know, my head has been full of shit. I’ve torn myself open, and -- I have to go get her back. Elena didn’t deserve what I did to her, and I don’t regret us, and you love me, but she does too, as her first.” He sighed and looked up. “I’m not going to be good at being one of many, and I know it. That doesn’t mean that there is nothing there between us, because it’s exactly what it was. You have enough going on.” His teeth skirted over the bottom of his lip. It was hard enough to do, and he felt a little like he was running himself through, but in spite of their problems, this was the right move.
“No, we’re still fucked,” Samandriel said softly. “It’s what we’ll always be no matter whether or not we ever actually fuck again.” He withdrew his hand carefully. “We were fucked from the day we met each other and we’ll be fucked until we’re both long gone.” The angel shrugged, clearly accepting of whatever fate that was set out for them. “If you truly want her back, it means giving up me and I’m pretty sure you know it. I’m okay with that and I think some part of you wants the excuse not to have to be with someone whom you know can’t make you only or even first amongst many.”
Damon didn’t like the withdrawal of contact. He frowned, keeping eye contact. “Yeah, okay, so we were, and so we still are, and I will keep that. I want you in my life. Hell, I want you both. That won’t change, but it’s not an excuse. What are we going to do? I’m not an angel, or anything higher. If you want an escape from that, I’ll be that. Come get me, we’ll sip Sangria on the Riviera.” He smiled at him, an honest one. “I want someone who looks at me the way you look at Lucifer, and to be that one. I need that. You can’t really expect me to be happy in just some minor role who gets some time every now and then. What’s in the middle of that time, a string of one nighters that are pretty fucking empty?”
He reached up and touched the angel’s face, stroking it with the back of his fingers. “You were saying we weren’t having sex for awhile anyway, for no reason other than your imagination. That part is a very minor piece of whatever we are. And - never say never.” His face broadened into a light smile. “I will be there regardless, we both know it, just like you will make sure that I don’t hurt anyone.”
Samandriel closed his eyes, bowing his head to accept that contact. “I don’t know the future Damon. I only know what is and what isn’t in the moment. That’s how life has to be taken sometimes, even for those of us who might have a near infinite number of moments.” It was hard and scary, but they both had constants. It would be whatever it would be. “Come on then,” he said softly, opening his eyes again. “Lay with me and watch the stars for a while and we can enjoy each other’s company in the peace it seems we’ve both been lacking lately.”