Tweak

InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "no matter who you're ever with"

Username: 
Password:    
Remember Me
  • Create Account
  • IJ Login
  • OpenID Login
Search by : 
  • View
    • Create Account
    • IJ Login
    • OpenID Login
  • Journal
    • Post
    • Edit Entries
    • Customize Journal
    • Comment Settings
    • Recent Comments
    • Manage Tags
  • Account
    • Manage Account
    • Viewing Options
    • Manage Profile
    • Manage Notifications
    • Manage Pictures
    • Manage Schools
    • Account Status
  • Friends
    • Edit Friends
    • Edit Custom Groups
    • Friends Filter
    • Nudge Friends
    • Invite
    • Create RSS Feed
  • Asylums
    • Post
    • Asylum Invitations
    • Manage Asylums
    • Create Asylum
  • Site
    • Support
    • Upgrade Account
    • FAQs
    • Search By Location
    • Search By Interest
    • Search Randomly

for sale ([info]dr_blondie) wrote in [info]valarlogs,
@ 2012-03-25 19:13:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:!complete, ben linus, juliet burke

Who: Ben, Juliet
What: A romantic getaway leads to a difficult conversation
When:
Where: Casa Tropicana, San Clemente
Rating: PG-13 (Possible Trigger?: Conception Issues)
Status: In progress



As Ben’s eyes drifted open to unfamiliar surroundings, his heart skipped a beat. The room was dark, but it was clearly not his room. The gentle hum of the adjoining bathroom fan was not a familiar noise. Slowly, the activities of the preceding hours returned to him, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He pieced together the finer details: the clothing strewn across the floor, the bottle of wine on the bedside table, the warm body of his wife beside him...

It was two o’clock in the morning, according to the clock beside the wine bottle. Ben wondered what exactly had roused him. Propped on his elbow, his eyes scanned the remainder of the room: specifically, the penthouse suite of the Casa Tropicana. Perhaps it had only been the sound of the ocean, visible from the open patio door. He rolled slowly out of bed, made himself slightly more decent than he currently was, and tip-toed across the room to close it.

Juliet was a light sleeper. She had to be when she often took naps at work. She needed to be awake and aware if someone came into the ER needing her help. She was used to it, but a full night’s rest was few and far between for her. Still, she didn’t seem to mind Ben climbing out of bed to close the patio door. She let out a soft groan and then propped herself up on her elbows to watch her husband.

“Are you okay?” she asked groggily, feeling the place in the bed where Ben had just left. It was still warm. “Can’t you sleep?” Juliet could sleep anywhere. It was also another thing working in hospitals had taught her. Sure, she didn’t get perfect sleep anywhere, but she could definitely doze off.

Ben turned, hand still on the door. “I was trying not to wake you,” he replied. The evening air was cool and there was a little bit of moonlight drifting inside. “Not sure why I’m up,” he continued. “But I’m wide awake all of a sudden. Were you actually asleep? I never can tell with you.”

Juliet grinned and let out a small chuckle. “I was sleeping as much as I ever do,” she responded. She pulled the sheets out of her way and got out of bed, grabbing one of the hotel’s robes. She put it on before making her way across the room to join her husband.

“It’s beautiful out there,” she said, placing a hand on the small of Ben’s back. “It was a good idea coming here. I’m glad we did it, even if it’s just for a night.”

Ben looked at her across his shoulder, smiling. He reached out and pulled her in with an arm around her waist. “And who knows, right? One night is all it takes.”

How long had they been trying for a baby? Not much less than they had been married. Maybe immediately. Though they talked about it less and less of late. Almost not at all, anymore. Ben felt a little nervous about encroaching on the subject.

Juliet could feel all of her blood rushing out of her face when Ben maneuvered his way into the subject of children. They had been trying for so long and it wasn’t happening. Juliet thought at first it might be because of their age, but in the end she had decided to take a test. The results had come back the weekend before and Juliet hadn’t found the right time to bring it up with Ben. She just didn’t want to crush his dreams of children the way hers had been.

She let out a sigh and moved away from Ben, opening the glass door and making her way out onto the patio. They may as well enjoy their surroundings while talking about it. “Ben, I think you should sit down. We need to talk.”

It was something between a chill and a flash of heat that moved through his body--impossible as that may seem. “Okay... let me... put on a shirt first.”

He crossed back to the bed and found his discarded tee and pulled it on. His arms were stiff, trembling a little; he struggled to keep them moving, while he begged his mind to remain perfectly still. He felt that he knew what was about to be said, but he wanted to keep pretending he didn’t.

He rejoined her on the patio and took a seat. His fingers half-gripped the armrests. “Okay...”

Juliet watched Ben as he went back into the room and put his shirt on. He had been avoiding this moment for so long and now? Here? In this wonderful hotel room? She hated to ruin the moment, but she couldn’t lie to Ben either. He had brought it up. Juliet was an honest woman. She wasn’t going to lie to her husband.

“I think you already know what I’m about to say,” Juliet started, sighing. “But I’m going to say it anyway because we both need to hear it.” She swallowed, steadying herself. “I took a fertility test at the hospital, Ben. I’m infertile. I can’t have children.”

There. It was done. She had ripped the band aid off. Now hopefully Ben still wanted her as a wife.

Ben drew in a breath slowly and held it as a few moments passed. He released it and began to nod. He reached across the space between them and took her hand. But he didn’t know what to say. Yes, truthfully, he had already lived out this conversation again and again in his own mind... this news was not unexpected. Secretly, he’d hoped it was somehow his fault... of course, then there’d be no explaining Alex--his daughter--but still he’d hoped it, for Juliet’s sake. He’d rather it be him.

“Are you okay... with that?” he asked. His voice was breaking slightly.

“No,” Juliet replied with a shake of her head. “Of course I’m not okay with it,” but Juliet was a strong woman. Almost too strong to cry. Almost.

She could already feel the tears welling up behind her eyes. She hadn’t wanted to disappoint Ben like that. She wanted to have children with him, but it looked like Alex would be the only child of his own blood he would ever really have and she was another woman’s child.

“I want kids, Ben. I want your kids.” She took in a quick breath and gave Ben’s hand a squeeze. “But that’s not going to happen now and it’s my fault.”

“No,” he replied, finding his voice briefly. “This isn’t about fault...”

He shook his head, as his voice trailed off once again. In the recesses of his mind, there was a growing sensation of something like cool water. A chill moved down his spine and back up again. At the back of his throat there was a tickle. He released it as a sigh. He realized he was trying to cry. He wondered why he hadn’t already started.

“I mean... there’s no chance at all, or are we looking a complicated process?” he asked.

“There’s no chance. I’m not going to ever have children.” Juliet shook her head and looked away from Ben so she could shed a tear. She didn’t like him to see her cry. It made her feel weak and she was having a hard time looking at her husband just then anyway. She pulled her hand away from him and rubbed her hands up her arms for comfort.

“I know we’ve been talking about having a child, but it’s not going to happen this way. It’s just not.” She sighed again. Lord, there were a lot of sighs. “Would you ever consider adoption as an option for us?” she asked.

As she removed her hand, Ben brought his back to his lap. Then he folded his arms. He unfolded them a second later. Suddenly, he was so uncomfortable, his own body felt downright unreal to him.

“Is that something you’ve been thinking about?” he asked. It wasn’t exactly a yes.

“I don’t know. If we want to raise children together I think it’s our only option.” Sometimes Juliet hated how stoic Ben could be. He wasn’t exactly giving her a whole lot to go on. Was he mad at her? Was he upset? Did he feel anything at all?

Suddenly Juliet couldn’t stand sitting in that chair anymore and she stood up. She moved to the railing and leaned against it, looking out over the ocean. Why couldn’t one thing in Juliet’s life go right? Ben had been the best thing to happen to her so far and now she felt like she was screwing it all up.

“Don’t you have anything to say? Don’t you have an opinion about this? I want to know what you’re thinking, Ben. Please, tell me. I’m going insane here.”

Ben lifted his head like it was on a taut string. In fact, his whole body had turned into one tight nerve. “If it’s what you want, I’ll do it.” But he knew it still wasn’t the yes she needed. Why couldn’t he give it to her? His mind was reeling through a series of flashbacks, of Alex’s birth and the pregnancy that had preceded it. The idea of separating the two seemed almost... perverse. And it suddenly struck him that he’d already had his baby. The more he pondered it, as the seconds passed, the more he wondered if he had been totally content assuming he might somehow avoid going through the more difficult aspects of the process all over again.

But his eyes were still locked on Juliet. He couldn’t peel them away. It was like looking at a car wreck. And he knew he was the only one who could pull her from the wreckage. He rose to his feet. “Juliet, if it’s what you want, I’ll do it.”



(Post a new comment)


[info]dr_blondie
2012-03-26 11:02 pm UTC (link)
If it's what you want, I'll do it. It wasn't exactly the answer Juliet was looking for. There was no reassurance behind those words. Yes, it was what she wanted, but did Ben want it? Maybe he was changing his mind about children. Maybe he didn't want children if it wasn't theirs. And maybe right now was the wrong time to really talk about it. They would have plenty of time to talk about it later, but Juliet was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to think of anything else until the situation was resolved.

Juliet bit her lip and raised her eyes to the night sky. It was hard to look at Ben and she was more than a little annoyed at this point. "What I want is to have a baby with you, but that's not going to happen. If you don't want to adopt, Ben, just tell me."

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]drlinus
2012-03-27 04:38 am UTC (link)
He was still standing a little behind her, just out of her field of vision. The early spring air was chilly, and Ben felt more than a little awkward standing on the patio in a t-shirt and boxer shorts. Even though it was the middle of the night, it was very possible they could be heard by those staying in the adjoining rooms. He felt embarrassed all around.

"I'm not saying I don't..."

Ben moved closer to her, reaching out a hand to touch her shoulder, but it fell back to his side.

"But, Juliet... I'm not as young as I used to be... I'll be fifty, sooner than I'd like to admit. But you know I wanted us to have a baby. I wouldn't have brought it up, if I didn't. But an adoption, it's different for the father... "

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dr_blondie
2012-03-27 08:52 pm UTC (link)
Finally Juliet turned around to face Ben. She was starting to get something from him and she wanted to be able to look in his eyes as he explained.

"I don't understand," she said, her voice gentle. "How is it any different for a father than it is the mother?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]drlinus
2012-03-28 01:13 am UTC (link)
Her gaze pierced him through. Slowly, he released the breath he had been holding. His mind flooded with images of Alex as an infant, as he tried to put into words an experience that was competely beyond them.

"A man bonds with his child differently..." he began slowly. "It happens slowly... it's not immediate... "

His voice trailed off. His heart was beating powerfully within his cest, so much so that he could see his t-shirt bounce with each pulsation. His area of professional expertise told him that this probably meant he was hitting upon something. He wiped a sweaty palm on his shorts.

Oh my God, he said to himself, like a brief aside in a play. I know what's going on here...

And then it all burst out. "Juliet, I'm scared. I think I'm afaid of being a bad father."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dr_blondie
2012-03-29 03:07 am UTC (link)
Juliet's entire demeanor changed when Ben blurted out that he was afraid of being a bad father. Her shoulders relaxed and she tilted her head, a small frown on her face as her eyes started to tear up.

"Oh, Ben.." she said before pulling him into a hug. She knew how hard it was sometimes for him to be that honest with himself. Juliet had a harder time of it though. She was always trying to hard to be strong for everyone she never really looked inside to see what was going on with her.

"How could you possibly think you would be a bad father? Alex grew up okay, didn't she?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]drlinus
2012-03-29 03:16 am UTC (link)
He wasn't crying himself, but he still felt he ought to be. He wrapped his arms around his wife and spoke quietly into her hair. "Did she?" he asked. "I see her a few times a year. Even then, she doesn't seem to want much to do with me. I don't know where she goes or what she does. I'm not a part of her life. I send a check to her mother every month. That's the kind of dad I am."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dr_blondie
2012-03-29 03:21 am UTC (link)
Juliet shook her head against Ben's shoulder and then pulled away after a moment. "Do you really believe that history is going to repeat itself here? I'm not your ex-wife, Ben. We're happy together. Aren't we?"

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]drlinus
2012-03-29 02:07 pm UTC (link)
They were inches apart. He couldn't do anything but look directly into her eyes. "Yes. Yes, of course we are. And, yes, I understand that this could be a second chance to get it right."

Ben paused and sighed. He broke away from her and paced a few steps. He was unsure what to say next. He thought about the first time he had watched Alex get into the back seat of her mother's car, driving away to their new house, and the engine roaring like a lion. He thought about this new child, and adoption paper work, and signing more checks. Ben calculated the age he would be when this child graduated college. Would he even be alive?

And then another image crept in, as if on tip-toe. It made hardly any sound at all. He was in a dark room, sitting in a chair that rocked back and forth, with a warm bundle in his arms, pressed close to his cheek. He breathed deep that wonderful scent of baby shampoo and powder. The door opened ajar, and he spotted Juliet peeking in on him. Hello, Daddy....

Ben closed his eyes--squeezed them shut. A droplet of water rolled down his cheek.

He turned around. "Let's do it."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dr_blondie
2012-03-31 10:25 pm UTC (link)
Juliet tilted her head again, looking at Ben with her big blue eyes. It was that look she got on her face any time she was sad and hurting for someone else because Juliet never hurt for herself. Or she tried to keep that kind of hurt bottled up inside anyway.

"Ben..." she said, her voice heavy with sorrow. "We don't have to make a decision about this right now. It's obvious we need to talk about this some more. Why don't we go back to bed and we can talk about it later? I'll give you all the time you need to make sure you're really ready. Okay?" She gave Ben a small, sad smile and took his hands in her own to squeeze them reassuringly.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]drlinus
2012-04-01 01:58 pm UTC (link)
As she passed and reentered the bedroom, Ben lingered behind momentarily. He knew she didn't believe him. His heart felt leaden. He had committed, as the Internet had taught him, one gigantic fail.

He turned to face her, taking a few steps so that he was in the doorway. "Juliet, I'm serious. I want to do this. I want to have a baby with you. If this is how we accomplish it, if this is what we have to do... Then it's what I want."

By now, he has crossed the room and had met her on the bed. He took her hand. "I mean it. I know I'm scared. But just because I'm scared doesn't mean it isn't what I want."

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dr_blondie
2012-04-02 02:15 am UTC (link)
Juliet wasn't really sure what to think anymore. She was more than a little hurt by Ben's hesitance, but she couldn't exactly hold it against him either. It was better if they spoke about this when they were less tired. At least on Juliet's part she was tired and when she was tired she could get cranky.

She got back into the bed and pulled the blankets over her. She couldn't help rubbing at her eyes. The conversation was exhausting. She was glad Ben said he wanted a child with her, but she couldn't help but feel like she'd been slapped in the face earlier. She needed time to get over the sting.

"I know, Ben. We can talk about it in the morning, okay?"

(FIN?)

(Reply to this) (Parent)



Home | Site Map | Manage Account | TOS | Privacy | Support | FAQs