InsaneJournal

Who: Ben, Juliet
What: A romantic getaway leads to a difficult conversation
When:
Where: Casa Tropicana, San Clemente
Rating: PG-13 (Possible Trigger?: Conception Issues)
Status: In progress



As Ben’s eyes drifted open to unfamiliar surroundings, his heart skipped a beat. The room was dark, but it was clearly not his room. The gentle hum of the adjoining bathroom fan was not a familiar noise. Slowly, the activities of the preceding hours returned to him, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He pieced together the finer details: the clothing strewn across the floor, the bottle of wine on the bedside table, the warm body of his wife beside him...

It was two o’clock in the morning, according to the clock beside the wine bottle. Ben wondered what exactly had roused him. Propped on his elbow, his eyes scanned the remainder of the room: specifically, the penthouse suite of the Casa Tropicana. Perhaps it had only been the sound of the ocean, visible from the open patio door. He rolled slowly out of bed, made himself slightly more decent than he currently was, and tip-toed across the room to close it.

Juliet was a light sleeper. She had to be when she often took naps at work. She needed to be awake and aware if someone came into the ER needing her help. She was used to it, but a full night’s rest was few and far between for her. Still, she didn’t seem to mind Ben climbing out of bed to close the patio door. She let out a soft groan and then propped herself up on her elbows to watch her husband.

“Are you okay?” she asked groggily, feeling the place in the bed where Ben had just left. It was still warm. “Can’t you sleep?” Juliet could sleep anywhere. It was also another thing working in hospitals had taught her. Sure, she didn’t get perfect sleep anywhere, but she could definitely doze off.

Ben turned, hand still on the door. “I was trying not to wake you,” he replied. The evening air was cool and there was a little bit of moonlight drifting inside. “Not sure why I’m up,” he continued. “But I’m wide awake all of a sudden. Were you actually asleep? I never can tell with you.”

Juliet grinned and let out a small chuckle. “I was sleeping as much as I ever do,” she responded. She pulled the sheets out of her way and got out of bed, grabbing one of the hotel’s robes. She put it on before making her way across the room to join her husband.

“It’s beautiful out there,” she said, placing a hand on the small of Ben’s back. “It was a good idea coming here. I’m glad we did it, even if it’s just for a night.”

Ben looked at her across his shoulder, smiling. He reached out and pulled her in with an arm around her waist. “And who knows, right? One night is all it takes.”

How long had they been trying for a baby? Not much less than they had been married. Maybe immediately. Though they talked about it less and less of late. Almost not at all, anymore. Ben felt a little nervous about encroaching on the subject.

Juliet could feel all of her blood rushing out of her face when Ben maneuvered his way into the subject of children. They had been trying for so long and it wasn’t happening. Juliet thought at first it might be because of their age, but in the end she had decided to take a test. The results had come back the weekend before and Juliet hadn’t found the right time to bring it up with Ben. She just didn’t want to crush his dreams of children the way hers had been.

She let out a sigh and moved away from Ben, opening the glass door and making her way out onto the patio. They may as well enjoy their surroundings while talking about it. “Ben, I think you should sit down. We need to talk.”

It was something between a chill and a flash of heat that moved through his body--impossible as that may seem. “Okay... let me... put on a shirt first.”

He crossed back to the bed and found his discarded tee and pulled it on. His arms were stiff, trembling a little; he struggled to keep them moving, while he begged his mind to remain perfectly still. He felt that he knew what was about to be said, but he wanted to keep pretending he didn’t.

He rejoined her on the patio and took a seat. His fingers half-gripped the armrests. “Okay...”

Juliet watched Ben as he went back into the room and put his shirt on. He had been avoiding this moment for so long and now? Here? In this wonderful hotel room? She hated to ruin the moment, but she couldn’t lie to Ben either. He had brought it up. Juliet was an honest woman. She wasn’t going to lie to her husband.

“I think you already know what I’m about to say,” Juliet started, sighing. “But I’m going to say it anyway because we both need to hear it.” She swallowed, steadying herself. “I took a fertility test at the hospital, Ben. I’m infertile. I can’t have children.”

There. It was done. She had ripped the band aid off. Now hopefully Ben still wanted her as a wife.

Ben drew in a breath slowly and held it as a few moments passed. He released it and began to nod. He reached across the space between them and took her hand. But he didn’t know what to say. Yes, truthfully, he had already lived out this conversation again and again in his own mind... this news was not unexpected. Secretly, he’d hoped it was somehow his fault... of course, then there’d be no explaining Alex--his daughter--but still he’d hoped it, for Juliet’s sake. He’d rather it be him.

“Are you okay... with that?” he asked. His voice was breaking slightly.

“No,” Juliet replied with a shake of her head. “Of course I’m not okay with it,” but Juliet was a strong woman. Almost too strong to cry. Almost.

She could already feel the tears welling up behind her eyes. She hadn’t wanted to disappoint Ben like that. She wanted to have children with him, but it looked like Alex would be the only child of his own blood he would ever really have and she was another woman’s child.

“I want kids, Ben. I want your kids.” She took in a quick breath and gave Ben’s hand a squeeze. “But that’s not going to happen now and it’s my fault.”

“No,” he replied, finding his voice briefly. “This isn’t about fault...”

He shook his head, as his voice trailed off once again. In the recesses of his mind, there was a growing sensation of something like cool water. A chill moved down his spine and back up again. At the back of his throat there was a tickle. He released it as a sigh. He realized he was trying to cry. He wondered why he hadn’t already started.

“I mean... there’s no chance at all, or are we looking a complicated process?” he asked.

“There’s no chance. I’m not going to ever have children.” Juliet shook her head and looked away from Ben so she could shed a tear. She didn’t like him to see her cry. It made her feel weak and she was having a hard time looking at her husband just then anyway. She pulled her hand away from him and rubbed her hands up her arms for comfort.

“I know we’ve been talking about having a child, but it’s not going to happen this way. It’s just not.” She sighed again. Lord, there were a lot of sighs. “Would you ever consider adoption as an option for us?” she asked.

As she removed her hand, Ben brought his back to his lap. Then he folded his arms. He unfolded them a second later. Suddenly, he was so uncomfortable, his own body felt downright unreal to him.

“Is that something you’ve been thinking about?” he asked. It wasn’t exactly a yes.

“I don’t know. If we want to raise children together I think it’s our only option.” Sometimes Juliet hated how stoic Ben could be. He wasn’t exactly giving her a whole lot to go on. Was he mad at her? Was he upset? Did he feel anything at all?

Suddenly Juliet couldn’t stand sitting in that chair anymore and she stood up. She moved to the railing and leaned against it, looking out over the ocean. Why couldn’t one thing in Juliet’s life go right? Ben had been the best thing to happen to her so far and now she felt like she was screwing it all up.

“Don’t you have anything to say? Don’t you have an opinion about this? I want to know what you’re thinking, Ben. Please, tell me. I’m going insane here.”

Ben lifted his head like it was on a taut string. In fact, his whole body had turned into one tight nerve. “If it’s what you want, I’ll do it.” But he knew it still wasn’t the yes she needed. Why couldn’t he give it to her? His mind was reeling through a series of flashbacks, of Alex’s birth and the pregnancy that had preceded it. The idea of separating the two seemed almost... perverse. And it suddenly struck him that he’d already had his baby. The more he pondered it, as the seconds passed, the more he wondered if he had been totally content assuming he might somehow avoid going through the more difficult aspects of the process all over again.

But his eyes were still locked on Juliet. He couldn’t peel them away. It was like looking at a car wreck. And he knew he was the only one who could pull her from the wreckage. He rose to his feet. “Juliet, if it’s what you want, I’ll do it.”