Literally Pirateninja (shadowcat) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-06-11 00:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, kitty pryde (shadowcat), xi'an coy manh (karma) |
"I was a lot less mature back then. I'm probably not better now."
Who: Kitty and Xi'an
What: Kitty feels guilty.
When: After Fluttershy makes her feel guilty a couple of days ago XD
Where: Apartment
Status: Complete
Rating: PG-13
Kitty had had to step away from the computer for a bit. It was getting her blood pressure up and with every post Fluttershy made about Pete not being loved enough it felt like she was being stabbed in the chest. Because it was too close to the truth. She picked up the male kitten, the little grey tabby and curled up on the couch, hugging him.
Xi'an walked into the living room and paused. Something was clearly bothing Kitty. She frowned slightly and made her way over to the couch. She sat down beside Kitty and tilted her head thoughtfully. "Hey," she said softly.
Kitty looked up, then leaned her shoulder against Xi'an's, "Hey." The kitten squirmed in her arms and she flipped him around and tickled his belly, watching him flail as she did so. She grinned a bit at that.
Xi'an smiled at the flailing kitten and kissed Kitty's cheek. "Everything okay?" she asked softly.
"Yes. No. Not really." Kitty let the kitten go and glanced at her, "Just..old bullshit coming up."
Xi'an eased an arm around her shoulder and snuggled closer. "That's never fun," she said. "Do you want to talk about it? You don't have to, of course. But I'll listen if you want to."
"I...well it has to do with ex-boyfriends." Kitty rested her head on Xi'an's shoulder, "I somehow managed to burn him hard enough he doesn't want to be friends, and not hard enough, since he's still in love with me. I don't know. He's the easy to break sort."
"Oh." Well. That definitely probably fell into the category of 'old bullshit.' "Exes can be weird that way." She stroked Kitty's hair gently.
Kitty shivered, and slipt an arm around Xi'an. Then her other arm went around her, and her lips pressed into her neck, "It was like he just expected me to drop you, like a hot potatoe. I have..some feelings for him still, but I have feelings for you too, and I'm with you. "
Xi'an frowned. That was...a little unnerving. "How long has it been since you broke up with him?" she asked. She was glad Kitty was sticking with her, though.
"About four years. We were engaged. I got scared and took off." It was her fault. She never denied that, "I was a lot less mature back then. I'm probably not better now." She laughed, and joked, "Just don't put a ring on my finger and we'll be okay."
Four years. That was longer than Xi'an had expected, with what Kitty had said about his assumptions that they'd get back together. She then thought about how old Kitty would have been then. "You were young--most people that age aren't ready for marriage," she said. "And it's a bit too soon to be talking rings. Especially since that would mean out of state travel until California gets its head out of its ass again."
Kitty chuckled, "Hopefully some day. But I'm still not ready." She didn't look up, not wanting to see the look on her face, "He's about eight or nine years older than me. I tend to skew older in who I'm attracted to."
Xi'an smiled slightly. "That's in my favor. But it would also make your cold feet even more understandable back then. The younger you are, the bigger difference an age difference can make."
Kitty wondered if the realization that he'd been an adult before she'd hit puberty had been a part of it. Maybe it had and she'd never consciously thought of it until now. Maybe everything else had been excuses, "All I can think of are excuses. I didn't even want to think of any of this. Or dredge any of this up. It just kind of felt like he thinks my feelings for you aren't..real or valid or anything. And that he turned me gay, which if anyone did it was the guy between you and him." Kitty smiled ruefully, "Which is complete bullshit anyway."
"If you weren't ready, you weren't ready, and that's not an excuse." Xi'an kissed Kitty's hair and sighed. "The whole...just because someone has been with men meaning they can't also have feelings for women, or just because they now have an interest in women can't mean they'll ever be interested in a man again is bullshit. Same with things 'turning' people gay. Or, in your case, bisexual."
"I skipped the whole experimenting stage in college. Hell, the whole dating thing, for the most part," Kitty admitted. Finishing school so soon, she'd missed out on quite a bit. She was only now catching up, "I can say with absolute certainty, I really really like sex, as long as it's with someone I care about. And right now, I really care about you." She lifted her head and kissed Xi'an's jawline, "And I'm just..I think it's getting to me..that really shy girl. Was going on about him being so angry because he'd been hurt and just needed someone to love him. That didn't help."
"I doubt the really shy girl knows him well enough to qualify as a expert. It's been four years. If he hasn't moved on, that is not your fault." Xi'an kissed Kitty's forehead. "It's his problem, and it only becomes yours if he gets pushy over this."
"I still feel guilty." Still, Kitty was relaxing, and didn't feel as clenched up inside as she did earlier.
"You don't have anything to feel guilty for, hon. You weren't ready, and there's no shame in admitting that." She gave Kitty a gentle squeeze.
Kitty decided that Xi'an needed to meet Obi at some point, soon. The two of them together would give her a lot of much needed good feelings. She stroked Xi'an's cheek, "I'll still cop to my mistakes, but thank you." She pressed her forehead to Xi'an's, "Still getting nightmares, or has that calmed down?"
"I haven't had one since then," Xi'an said. "Which a great relief." She wasn't sure she could handle any more dreams--nightmares--like that one.
"When you're ready to tell me, I'll listen." She pressed closer to Xi'an, hugging her tightly.
Xi'an hugged bag tightly. "Okay. Thanks. For not pushing."
"Hey, why would I push?" She kissed Xi'an reassuringly, then teased, "Even when I'm a horny little bitch."
Xi'an chuckled. "It's nice. I'm lucky that I found you."
Kitty caught Xi'an's eyes, with her own, then got to her feet. She looked at the clock then held out her hand, "I want us to forget our own names. Think we can do that in less than an hour?"
"Mmm." Xi'an smiled and stood up. "I think we can manage that..."