perfectlyportia (perfectlyportia) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2013-09-16 22:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alex rogan, portia |
Who: Alex and Portia
When: Today (16th September)
Where: His place
What: A letter and heartbreak
Rating/Warning: Low/Sad times
Status: Complete
Alex stared at the papers in his hands with mounting excitement and trepidation. These were amazing! He realized a moment later his hands were trembling. He had always dreamed of something like this and to have it happen, now, was beyond hope, and beyond fear, too. He stared down at his hands, and groaned. How could he even do this? How could he not? It was what he had worked for, dreamed of! And yet… he had a growing relationship with Portia, one that could lead to marriage, something he had never dreamed of, but now did. If he did this… it would mean he had to put that dream aside, for some time, maybe a long time.
What should he do?
What could he do?
He had no idea,. and before he knew it, tears were pouring down his cheeks.
Portia entered the house with no idea of the upset and whirling thoughts going on in Alex’s head. She’d had a long day on set and was now just really tired and looking forward to spending a quiet evening with the man she loved. Entering the room she found Alex looking at some papers, coming up behind him she slipped her arms around him and said, “Hey, what are you working on?” It was only then that she noticed the tears, “Alex, what’s wrong? What’s happened?” she asked moving to come in front of him, hands cupping his face to wipe away the tears with her thumbs.
Alex turned as she moved and kissed her, and hugged her tight, not speaking for a long moment. “I got an offer to participate in the scientist’s symposium project this year. It’s a serious scientists only sort of deal, offered to legitimate minds who are making strides in their fields, who have produced new and different things, like my inventions… and they only ever invite 1000 people to it, each year. And they invited me.” He felt like his brain was on fire with the ideas of what he could do there, and yet…
“But there’s a catch.”
Portia smiled brightly as he spoke, “Alex that’s amazing” she was so proud of him, it was such an incredible opportunity. She tilted her head, “What’s the catch?” she asked, surely it couldn’t be that bad.
“The symposium is in Germany, for a month, and its only a month away. If I do this, I pretty much have to leave and be there for the entire time. I won’t really have a chance to come back here until its all over.”
And he blew out a breath. “And then there is the second thing…” He pulled a second sheet of paper out from under the first, offering it to her. “You know I’ve tried over time to get scholarships and grants to let me go to college to learn more, right? Well, this came, today, in the same mail as the other.”
It was an offer for a full ride, a scholarship to a the British Academy of Science and technology, to get his Master’s degree. A full eight year program.
He felt the threat of tears start again. These were the things he had dreamed of, but to do them, he had to leave her, for a very long time.
And he hated himself for even considering it.
Portia was about to reassure him that a month wasn’t really that long, they’d manage. It was such a great opportunity for him after all but there was something in his look that stopped her. Then he handed her the letter.
It was incredible. Everything Alex had dreamed and worked for was in this latter, it was the chance of a lifetime - she could see that. But it was thousands of miles away and it was almost a decade of their lives.
She wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly as tears came to her eyes too. Portia knew what this meant. They were both getting their dreams but in order for it to happen they had to give up the dreams they had started to have together.
“I knew your genius would be discovered sooner or later” she told him, voice wavering slightly but the pride she felt for him obvious, “I can’t keep you to myself forever”
“Its not fair! I want both! I want to be able to be a scientist and be yours and…” He cried then and hugged her tight. He knew it was ranting and he knew it wasn’t fair and he knew the world didn’t care. The only ones who did were in this room.
“I love you, Portia. I’m sorry I’m failing you.”
She buried her head in his neck, taking comfort in his closeness for now. She shook her head, “You aren’t failing me. The person you’d be failing would be yourself if you didn’t go for this” she told him, pulling back to look at him. “As much as it hurts you deserve this Alex, you’ve worked so hard” she gave him a watery smile, “Eight years will fly by I’m sure” she told him, trying to be brave for them both. If she had been in a position to she’d have given up everything to go with him but things were taking off and she was so close to being recognised for her work.
“I’m sorry. I wish… if I had known this would happen, you would happen, I would never have pushed so hard.” He wished he hadn’t wanted this so much, or needed it, but he felt like… he sighed and held her, crying but kissing her. “Love you, Portia. No matter what, remember that.”
“Don’t you dare Alex Rogan, you are an amazing man and you deserve this chance” she kissed him in return, “Love you too. Always” she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him soundly.
And so he held her, kissing her and crying. Tomorrow, they could start packing his things. Tomorrow, he would go, before a long goodbye became a desperate one. Tomorrow. Tonight, he would hold her and kiss her and make love to her.
One more time.