Roy Harper is No One's Sidekick (imnosidekick) wrote in valarlogs, @ 2012-06-08 01:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | !complete, alma wade, clint barton (hawkeye), roy harper (red arrow) ii |
"I think you are digging a deeper hole for yourself."
Who: Alma, Roy, Clint towards the end.
Where: Urdnot Ranch
When: After Roy talked with Wrex and after his post and comment war with Clint
What: Alma tries to help Roy out, They talk about their dreams and what it means, and then Clint gets a nasty little shock.
Ratiing: PG-13 FOR THE HORMONES
Alma walked into ...wherever Roy was making his post from, and leaned on his shoulders from behind, "I think you are digging a deeper hole for yourself. Do you want to talk about it?" Maybe it was her turn to help him.
"Hmm?" Roy asked her, not exactly jumping at the contact, but surprised by it anyway. Huh. Given what he knew about himself, he should probably know better. Then again, he guessed that being a defective product did that to a person. "Nah, I don't really want to talk. I mean...it's a problem with my brain is all." he said, giving her a tiny smile. "I'm going to fix it." He added, more confident on that point.
"I can understand ...problems with one’s brain," Alma replied quietly. They were both metaphorical bombs, when you get down to it, "I want to help." She was struggling to keep her voice even, not wanting to drown him in her own worry, attraction and fear.
“You probably can." Roy gave her a tiny smile. "I'm not...the dreams are making me crazy enough that it was getting bad for a while. I'm afraid it's going to happen again I guess. You know how it is when you've got...things at your disposal that can really hurt others."
"Do you have...powers in your dreams?" She came around and sat on the desk in front of him, "Or is it something else?" The anger and frustration was coming off of him in waves, and she wasn't sure how to combat it. She grit her teeth.
Roy tried to clamp down on the emotions, remembering what Wrex had said about zen and all. It was...kind of hard. "Maybe I need to do the zen thing we talked about with you." he commented at last. "It might help.” And then he considered how best to put it to her. "Well, it's more...me like I am but I fight crime with it too. Most of the time. It's been a lot of...things that...they bring up problems I'm having here. Make them bigger. Interpersonal stuff." he added, shaking his head. "Which I was never good at to begin with. But when someone I'm currently less than happy with is an ass in my dreams..." He shook his head. "I lose it here. If that makes sense. I don't want to do that again. And well, I feel stupid about the whole posting thing. And worried I put you in danger."
"The dreams feel too real. They blend over with what happens in the waking world and what happens there." She lifted her hand and stroked his cheek, and said gently, "It was very stupid."
Her eyes darkened slightly, as she took his anger and sorted through it, "Stupid man."
"Yeah."He agreed, frowning a bit. "I really can be, sometimes. And exactly." It was turning into a problem. "I'm thinking Oliver was right about therapy." he added with a huge shudder.
Alma mulled that over. Her voice still had a hard edge due to the anger, "If I go with you, will you consider therapy?"
"Sure." Roy said, since, well, it was something that would be good for her. He didn't have to say anything he didn't want to in therapy after all, and could keep it focused on the major issues stemming from Oliver throwing him away at least. Sure, now he knew that it was no wonder why he hadn't done it sooner, if he'd known the truth anyway, but he didn't need to say that so... "It would probably be helpful."
Alma nodded her head. She wanted to lash out at whatever it was that was making him angry, but that would mean lashing out at him. It was the last thing she wanted.
But she'd hurt people she loved in her dreams, so that was a fear that remained, deep within her...She thought of pottery, which seemed to help, for some reason.
"I am sorry if I snap."
“I'm sorry I'm making this worse." Roy told her. "I didn't want to upset other people if I could help it." He kept his face serene and made himself start breathing slower, so that he could really process the moment instead of...anything else. "And hey, given what you must be getting shot at you...it's not your fault at all."
"I still care." More than she should. Maybe it was a crush, but it felt like more. In a detached part of Alma's mind, she found the distinction interesting, "And I know. I just...feel the anger. It doesn't matter what it's directed at."
Roy nodded at that. "I really need to get it under control then." he decided, nodding firmly. After all, while he was still here, still doing this sort of thing, it wasn't going to work out if his own emotions were all over the place like this, Alma just...sort of helped to point that out to him. He was grateful for it, really.
"For your sake. And others. Not just me." She finally lowered her hand from his face and gripped the edge of the desk until her knuckles turned white.
"And others, yes." Roy nodded. “I can't exactly teach anybody much of anything if I get too far back to how I was when I was younger."
"You will be able to do it, Roy." Alma's grip on the desk loosened slightly, as she started to relax and Roy calmed down. Now just that normal confusion she felt around him remained.
Roy smiled at her, feeling, well, quite a bit better, and calmer. He could put The Plan on hold until he'd at least gotten that session, he decided. At least enacting it. "Thanks." he told her, the smile becoming more genuine. “Your confidence is awesome."
"I believe in you. And trust you." She looked at him so...earnestly.
She did, didn't she? It was sort of...poignant, given that Roy had a good idea of what the spoiler alerts looked like as far as things were concerned. But for now, he could pretend that what was going to go down wasn't.
Alma seemed to think for a moment, then leaned down and hugged him. A wave of calm swept through.
Roy hugged back, glancing around to make sure nobody who'd complain was there. Screw em, sure, but he didn't want to put her through any more crap. Luckily, it was safe.
She snuggled her face against his neck and breathed deeply. She wanted to ask him how normal people dealt with feels.
Not like Roy was a normal person. Hell, he wasn't even a PERSON anymore, not that he was going to say that to anybody out loud until the problem was over. But he could try to make something up?
Alma wasn't a person either, even if she wasn't a clone. She kissed his neck, "I do not know how to..."
"I...don't really either." Roy admitted, frowning. "I uh...my life isn't average and I don't process this stuff well."
"Neither do I." Not the anger or anything else she was feeling. She straddled his lap, because they were alone and she was still a teenager with hormones, despite everything.
"Uh that's probably not a great idea right here." Roy told her, as gently as he could, under the circumstances. Instead he shifted so he was sitting next to her and draped an arm around her instead. "I wish I could tell you how to cope with this. Do the whole wisdom thing but...not sure."
I hear a lot of jokes about cold showers," Alma replied dryly. It was almost a joke. Maybe it even was, "I think that is easier than...the other things."
"...yeah probably." Roy said, snickering a little. "The processing everything else bit...that's what's hard."
Alma wanted to be in his lap again. Even if she had visions of doing things to him against his will, she still enjoyed that closeness. That detached part of her mind was annoyed with herself, "You aren't a monster, Roy."
"No..." Roy had to agree with her there. "And neither are you."
"I...have trouble agreeing with that." Alma looked down at the desk.
"Well." Roy gave her a searching look, just, peering into her eyes a long moment. "Nope." he said at last. "I don't see anything that says monster here."
"I dreamed about...” She trailed off.
"I know." Roy said, and frowned a little. "But the thing is...like Wrex pointed out. He's not really an angry neutered turtle either."
"I raped a man, Roy." Was that horror? Some kind of fear, certainly. Disgust. Self-loathing. She gripped his sleeve, "And then the dream changed and he was you."
"I infiltrated a group of superheroes and betrayed them." Roy said, realizing how demented that sounded, really. "I betrayed them to a group who wanted to...actually I don't know their whole purpose but they did a lot of terrible things because of me."
"Do you feel bad about it?"
"Definitely." Roy thought about the KIDS he knew he'd potentially injured when he turned their mentors against them. Kids who had been his friends, well, except for the blonde he'd also seen with Oliver. "And that's the thing. You obviously feel bad too."
"I do...I feel horrible. I know I...did that thing in that place." She didn't tell him she was technically a corpse at the time, "And I know that...my affections for you are morphing it into a worse nightmare."
Roy nodded as she spoke and he had felt the same thing enough. "It's...nauseating, isn't it?" he said at last. "I mean knowing that you did those things. And mine..." he took a second to swallow hard. "Okay. There's also a group of my friends involved in it. They're...the oldest is your age and they're the people who I know get hurt because of me. It makes being here kind of nightmarish too." He confided. "But as for that..." And he winced a little. "You're having hormones happen for the first time too, right? That has to make it even harder."
"I...you know now. You can change things." Wanting to somehow make it better, Alma slipped into his lap again, and kissed him.
"And so do you..." Roy started, then, she was kissing him. And then a couple things happened at once.
The door to the room pushed open and a concerned looking Clint Barton, ALL ranger stalked into the room, there was a slightly annoying buzzing sound as his hearing aid decided to act up and his mouth was open, already mid lecture. "Harper, what the fuck was up with what you said to me on..." And then he seemed to get a look at them, as a horrified Roy looked up sharply and they traded a look of horror. "Oh Jesus CHRIST."
Alma looked up, eyes wide. She hadn't even realized what she was doing until she was doing it. Her face turned bright red, "This is not what it looks like."
"Definitely isn't." Roy agreed, quickly jumping away. "Barton. This is Michelle. She uh. We're working on boundaries. Michelle, this is my, uh..." He tried to come up with a word, considering how he felt about Clint right now. "This is Clint." He said at last.
Alma smoothed her hair and then held out her hand, "I was taking advantage of him. I am sorry."
Roy. Taken advantage of by a teenage girl. Okay that was kind of hilarious right there. If Clint was in the habit of talking to Oliver Queen more than he had to when the guy occasionally decided to be 'friends', he'd have told him all about that one. "It's...uh. Nice to meet you." He said, finally, reaching up to mess around with the hearing aid until the whining stopped. "I coach Roy here." he explained. "And we need to have a conversation. Somewhere with a gym." he added, giving Roy a Look.
Great." Roy rolled his eyes. "You're undermining my authority, Barton."
"I have everything handled." Except the kissing. Alma hugged herself, "We are going to therapy, but perhaps you should talk to him."
"They always do say girls mature a lot faster." Clint commented, giving her a tiny smile. "Yeah, there are still things."
She turned to Roy, throat constricting, "I am very sorry."
"It's okay." Roy told her. "I...don't worry about it too much, okay?" Little smile. "Just...make sure it doesn't go like that again, especially not here."
Alma nodded her head. She decided she shouldn't...see Roy. Not for a while, at any rate. She ran out of the room.
Clint gave Roy a raised eyebrow, but didn't comment on that right now. "Well, kid." he nodded at Roy instead. "Go grab your bow. We're going to talk."