InsaneJournal

How can that... possibly not be enough?
Who: Obi and Faiza
What: Lunch and relationship talk
When: Day or two ago
Where: Food places
Status: complete
Rating: PG



Faiza fidgeted nervously as she looked out the window, checking for Obi’s purple truck for the fourth time. It wasn’t like he was late, but she was feeling uncharacteristically worried. She didn’t know how to make sure that he understood she truly loved him, and she was worried they’d gotten themselves into a bad place, somehow.

She exchanged her scarf for a different one, debated not wearing one entirely and finally settling on a third that was dark navy. It subconsciously matched her mood. She suddenly wished she had a pup or a kitten to hug. It would perhaps soothe her.

“This is stupid,” she muttered.

If Obi-Wan had known Faiza wanted to hold a puppy, he would have brought one of his own, although his boxers were getting awfully big now. Still, a friendly dog was a friendly dog. He enjoyed cuddling with his. When no one was looking, of course.

However, right now he felt like a dog, in an entirely different way. He hoped to heaven that Faiza wasn’t planning on ending their relationship today, even though he likely deserved it. Obi-Wan was also getting pretty tired of the way the universe kept throwing him for a loop every couple of months. Probably as tired as he imagined Faiza was for the way he crawled into a hole again and again. He could joke about wanting to be a hermit, but it was starting to feel more like he was digging his own grave.

He pulled his truck to a stop in front of her house.

Faiza perked up a little when she saw the truck, and came to the door. She paused a moment to compose herself and try to 'zen' out her emotions, which never really worked but she liked to try anyway. She opened the door and stepped out, locking it before walking quickly towards the vehicle, a nervous smile on her lips. She didn't like feeling like she was walking on eggshells, but she was generally a positive person. It would be all right.

"Afternoon, duck!" She gave him another smile, and hoped his head was on straight. She didn't want him taking this conversation any way but the way she intended.

The energy that Faiza carried along with her was not exactly what Obi-Wan had been expecting. Yes, there was anxiety present, but there was a positivity that surprised him as he stepped out of the truck. She shimmered, rather than shook--that was the only way he could describe it.

“Hi,” he finally managed to get out, after a few seconds of processing things. He’d was ready to walk around the truck to give her a boost on the other side, if she wanted one.

She crawled in without much issue, reaching over to touch his hand lightly, before she buckled herself up. "I was thinking we could get Thai food. I've got a bloody craving." She winked at him.

Obi-Wan chewed his bottom lip thoughtfully, even pulling a little bit of his beard into his mouth. Perhaps the best word to describe Faiza’s energy was warm. Perhaps this was a date. Still, he felt disoriented and confused. Dare he feel hopeful--he wasn’t sure. “Well, I very much like Thai food,” he replied, sounding a little dazed as he pulled back onto the road.

She nodded at him, then looked out the window. Underneath the warmth and the positivity, there was still worry, and a little bit of fear. And hurt, there was hurt, that she felt wasn't entirely irrational. He didn't trust her, of course she felt hurt.

Faiza feared that what she had to say was only going to make that worse. She thought that was probably irrational too. Her boyfriend was rational, wasn’t he?

Qui-Gon used to tell him that his brain was wired like a computer, and Obi-Wan usually took it as an insult, even when his Master didn’t mean it like that. He knew he thought too much and trusted his feelings too little; which was why he’d compensated by demanding Anakin learn to do the opposite...

The streets passed by. He knew a good Thai place and was heading in that direction. Quietly, he tried to gently navigate Faiza’s emotional state. Then, he shook his head at himself. “How are you?” he asked, you know, like a human being.

"I'm all right." She glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes, and rested her chin on her hand. "Considering what to do with my career. I'm finding the ranch to be a lot more fulfilling than the clinic, or even the Hospital, but I'm too useful to just leave the hospital. It's too important. The problem with the ranch is that it eats up so many hours."

But she usually thrived on that.

Obi-Wan took a turn at the corner. “Well, the Ranch has sort of turned into a clinic for mutants. You get to help a subset of the population that mainstream science wouldn’t know what to do with.” To him, it made sense that she would be attracted to that. It was the almost the same reason why he volunteered at soup kitchens and shelters.

"Well most of that I do on the side," Faiza admitted. She furrowed her brow, suppressing some irritation. "We're more than just mutants, you know. Anyone with power and also normal children. That's never changed. We just have additional responsibilities to them, especially with all the...oddities that come from living in Orange County. I'd still volunteer without any sort of mutations."

He lifted an eyebrow as he turned to look at her. He’d lived in Orange County for a long time now, and knew as well as anyone could that they were all more than just mutants and just Jedi and just witches. Perhaps this was her deeper agitation with him flaring.

“I know you would.” It was one of the reasons why he loved her. He tried a smile to connect with her on that. Meanwhile, the restaurant came into view.

That seemed to soothe her a little. Maybe she was a little tense. Faiza smiled at Obi. "I think I can smell it already. With my cravings lately you'd think I was pregnant." She waited a suitable trolling three seconds, before adding. "I'm not, of course."

Three seconds were just enough to put a knot in his stomach. Er, more of a knot, as there already was a pretty sizable one. “Heh heh,” he laughed nervously. Thought he also could not deny that for a split-second he’d felt a jolt of an emotion that was very close to joy, whether or not he rightfully should have.

“Well, you know how I crave curry constantly...” He said, still chuckling nervously. He parked the truck.

"So you're preggers then? Bugger, what will I tell my family?" Faiza laughed softly. She was in no way ready to be a mother, but it was one of those things on the agenda, eventually.

A hop out of the truck and a quick walk across the street, and they were in the restaurant. It was a busy night, but it wasn’t more than five minutes before they were given a table for two. Obi-Wan held the chair for Faiza before taking his own seat. He picked up the menu. “Anything with two chili peppers beside it sounds good...”

Faiza chuckled and ordered something with three chili peppers, just because she knew she could handle it. She drummed her fingers on the table a bit, while waiting for her water, considering what she wanted to say. Having food handy would mean hiding behind eating, and she rather didn't want that.

"Have you had a chance to...see someone yet?"

Obi-Wan pressed his lips together, touching his water glass and feeling the urge to take a sip. “A therapist?” he asked, but it wasn’t really a question. “Yes. Once, so far. I think it was helpful. No, it was. I’m glad I went. I might continue to go.”

She nodded her head, relief crossing her features. "That's...good. I'm glad. I won't ask what you discussed, that's privvy between you and the therapist." She didn't want Obi-Wan to think she thought he was crazy. "I think that...well I know you have trust issues. I don't know how to help with those. Just saying that I love you isn't going to change how you feel. But I feel rather like I'm between a rock and a hard place, where we're concerned. Because if you don't trust me then that could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy."

He nodded, his finger tracing lines through the condensation on his water glass, while his eyes remained on her. His throat had gone a little dry, so he finally lifted it to take a sip. “What I want... is to be able to talk to you, about those things. It isn’t you that holds me back, it’s me. I know that. It’s... difficult to go from not trusting anyone to trusting someone... and old habits keep resurfacing.”

"I know, and I want to support you, duck..." She reached over and put her hand over Obi-Wan's. "But you can't be everything to me. I'm not saying you're not a lot, or that you're somehow not at the top of the list. But my faith, and my work and my friends, they all hold places in my heart too." Even Dane.

"Maybe I shouldn't have put it that way," he said. Hearing it said back to him, he felt he sounded... whine-y. "Of course I want your faith and work and friends to be important to you. I just... I don't know how else to put it. I need..." He drank some more water. "To be worth a great deal, I suppose."

"But you are," she insisted, leaning her elbows on the table. "Do you think I give it up to just any bloke that comes along? Body and soul, Obi-Wan. How can that... possibly not be enough?" She leaned back again, rubbing the fabric of her scarf between two fingers. Her voice was very quiet and it sounded like she was forcing the words out with a great deal of trepidation. "And if that...if that's not enough...Maybe...maybe we need a break. Some time while you get your head...your head on straight."

Obi-Wan stretched one of his hands across the table, hoping Faiza would take it. Her sincerity and her anxiety were equally palpable. "I don't want to take a break," he responded quietly.

"But if you're not going to trust me, if...if you're going to be afraid my head is going to be turned by someone whom I've never even met...." Faiza shook her head and put her hand over Obi's, squeezing it, and continued to talk without taking much of a breath. "I don't know if you're in the right space for this and that terrifies me because I want nothing more than it to be us, me and you but I keep going over our conversations in my head and I just...I just can't, it upsets me and I know that must be irrational because it really isn't fair to you but it feels unfair to me."

Finally, she took a breath.

He cringed. Or maybe it was more like something inside him snapped. Whatever it was, it was cold. "Logic tells me that you could be right, on all counts. But that isn't what I want. I want to... I want to spend my life with you, Faiza."

"And that's something I want." Faiza said, expression tired, but voice gentle. "But ...you brought up trust...and I keep coming back to that because if you can't trust me because of something some other women did, why should I trust you to decide you're somehow not good enough or some other bollocks like that? What's to stop you from running away from me?" Like he had his last super serious relationship. "I can tell you right now that would devastate me."

In a way, Obi-Wan was hearing exactly what he needed to hear, although he couldn't say he felt anything like relief. Realizing Faiza was referring to Emily, his late estranged wife, came as a surprise, but she had a point. A good, but very difficult to hear point. "She left me," he said. "Though that doesn't matter all that much, at this point. I deserved it. We never should have married. And I probably shouldn't have been with Dani, in hindsight. But you... Faiza, you're possibly the only thing I've gotten right. And I might be a miserable bastard half the time, but I'd be a real idiot if I ran.away from you now."

"It doesn't really take much for someone to be a right git," Faiza pointed out, though she was feeling less anxious than before. Obi-Wan was probably lucky she was a patient woman. Though he was probably due an earful if she decided he was.

“I’ll concede that I’m probably a miserable bastard more than half the time. I’m cynical and stubborn and I expect the worst in most situations. And you, you’re so sweet and so effortlessly kind. I don’t want to bring you down to my level. It kills me when I make you sad. If you said you were finished with me, I’d understand.” A thick lump had formed in his throat. “But... don’t.”

Faiza chewed on her bottom lip, looking at him with worried eyes. She feared he hadn't understood some of her points, and she wasn't sure she understood all of his. "I'm not saying I'm finished with you. But..."

She took a deep breath, and said, "But the only person who could pull you up is yourself. I can offer a hand up if you’re willing to accept it but I don’t actually know if you really are. I love you, Obi...but I have to...you need to help yourself before we can … start a family and all of that.” Which was something she’d thought about.

Before it he could speak, their food arrived. The spice was enough to burn his eyes from the vapors alone. Pad kee mao with chicken. Obi-Wan touched his fork but didn’t lift it yet, and waited until the server was gone. “What would you take as I sign that I was ready?” he asked. Faiza was being very honest with him, but she was still being gentle. And he responded best when things were more direct.

"I think when you're able to look yourself in the mirror and not feel like you're ... Low or somehow worthless." Faiza fidgeted with her fork and pushed her food around. Her feelings were conflicted. Neediness and affection and love warring with a stubborn concern and determination. "And when I can feel like we're both equals. Because right now we're not. Not truly. But that's something I think we can work on."

Really. Faiza felt like she was waffling. "Bugger... You're a good man, Obi...you just can't see it."

Obi-Wan looked aside. He almost laughed. Yeah, people keep trying to tell me that.

He turned back to her, finally picking up his fork as well, and mirrored way she pushed around her food. “I like to think I’m better than I once was.” A very small smile tugged up one corner of his mouth. He took a breath. “I am sorry for blaming you for something someone else has done. That wasn’t right.”

“See, duck? Now that’s a start.” She pointed her fork at him, smiling good naturedly.

He sighed. And then he sighed again. “I don’t really think you’d leave me for someone else. For Dane, I mean. I was just... I simply lost my head. I started thinking about how you don’t get to dream about me, but you get to dream about him. It’d be nice that when I see you smile in your sleep, that I’d get to assume it was me in there. But, I don’t get to dream about you either.”

"Isn't that a benefit though? There's no weight of history on our shoulders, no expectations, no worries or fears about things not matching up to the dreams...." She trailed off to take a bite of her food.

Obi-Wan looked down at the food and back up at her again. "That's not a bad point," he conceded. At last, he took a bite, as well. The spice was satisfying. He was just glad food tasted good again.

Faiza didn't entirely feel that things were settled. Perhaps neither of them really wanted a break, but she was certain it wouldn't be healthy until Obi-wan had his head on straight.

So she nodded and kept eating.

It was far from settled. In fact, things were decidedly still hanging in the air. But, for him, there was a sense that some step had been taken, even if only a little one. A tiny one.

He ached to hold her. All he could really do was tap her foot beneath the table. A small, tangible connection, he hoped.

She glanced at him over her drink, her expression flirty, and a little reassuring. She nudged his foot back.