InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "yo"

Brother (bamjeldrnicd) wrote in utr_logs,
@ 2011-03-14 22:07:00

Entry tags:

brother, morrigan, zevran arainai

WHO: Brother and Morrigan
WHAT: Brother made a spirited attempt to kill Morrigan's mother. It did not take.
WHEN: Pretty much directly after this (the one-sided fight took place concurrently.)
WARNINGS: Violence and HEARTBREAK.

There was remarkably little pain, all things considered. He suspected that some of his bones were broken. He knew for a fact that he was bleeding, quite a lot. He'd tried to check where, but his body objected when he tried to move, and his eyes were swollen shut besides. There wasn't much he could do about it, anyway. Brother was, in many respects, quite intelligent. That said, whatever genius he had was limited mainly to technology. He didn't know a lot about medicine.

He did know, however, that he was dying.

Breathing took a lot of effort, but again, it didn't hurt. He didn't know that this was because the parts of his brain responsible for understanding pain were being overloaded by the signals his body were sending him. He couldn't feel the pain because everything was in pain.

Breathe, he reminded himself. There was a faint bubbling in the region of his throat as he exhaled.

Flemeth was tougher than he'd thought she would be. But what choice did he have? She would have killed Morrigan. Or worse. He tried to stand up again, the vague hope in the back of his mind that he could survive long enough to make it back to her. His leg wouldn't obey him. He wasn't aware that this was because the bone was sticking out of his leg, but even if he had been, he likely would have tried anyway.

A twinge of agony pierced through the veil when he tried to stand again, and he lay back. "Morrigan," he said, hoping the universe would will her into existence. "Morrigan... I am... sorry that I was not good enough for you."

Brother could feel his consciousness slipping away and, though it may have just been in what vestiges remained of his imagination, he could feel his heartbeat slow, then stop. The word, "Goodbye," formed unspoken on his lips.

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bamjeldrnicd
2011-03-16 09:40 pm UTC (link)

When Morrigan trepidatiously moved forward, Brother didn't pull away. When she offered herself as support, he debated with himself as to whether he should take her up on it, but the reality was that he didn't have the strength to get out on his own. He was weak, still injured, and with her revelation, didn't have the drive he normally had. He reluctantly put his arm around her shoulder and felt her help him to stand. He did his best to ignore the thoughts that filled his mind right now. "I have a cot in the library," he said. "I used to stay there sometimes. Before."

They moved together in a tense silence. She wasn't looking at him, he noticed. Guilt, perhaps. If she could feel guilt. It was an angry thought, one that would be dismissed when his emotions cycled back to sadness, but he held onto it as long as he could. Rage was better than heartbreak.

Some time passed before one of them broke the silence, and it turned out to be Brother. "Why?" he asked, certain that he didn't want to know the answer. "Why did you do this to... why did you do this? Why with him?" The unasked question underneath it all: Do you love him? He didn't know what answer would hurt him more.

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witchofthewilds
2011-03-17 04:34 am UTC (link)

Morrigan welcomed the silence. It was tense, but she was emotionally drained. There was nothing she could say to make things better, and she didn't know how to explain herself. The art of diplomacy was lost on her, so completing a task without words was far preferable right now.

Then he asked her questions she didn't want to answer. "I don't know," she said softly, shaking her head. "I was scared." Zevran had seen through the rage and the anger to see she was scared underneath, and he'd refused to leave her alone. "I didn't know what to do about Flemeth and I... I just wanted a distraction." That sounded terrible, she knew, but it was the truth. She wasn't afraid now, though. She really couldn't care less about Flemeth right now.

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bamjeldrnicd
2011-03-17 04:48 am UTC (link)

Brother didn't know what he'd been expecting when he asked. Months ago, it might not have surprised him to think of Morrigan doing something so short-sighted and selfish. Now, it did, possibly because he thought that, even as mean a bitch as she could be, she made an exception for him. Which proved to be wrong.

There was a little spiteful part of him that was glad that she was hurting when he asked her these questions, but mostly he just felt empty. "That's it, then?" he asked, not quite managing to laugh. "You just... didn't care about me because you needed to be distracted? It could have been avoided if I had just been home at the time?" In the wide world of irony, being cheated on because he'd been out trying to save his girlfriend's life was probably near the top.

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witchofthewilds
2011-03-17 05:01 am UTC (link)

Morrigan bit her lower lip. Her natural reaction would have been to put up the walls and lash out, the way she did with everyone else. That was the last thing she could do now, though. "I wasn't thinking clearly. I wasn't thinking at all." The walk to the library seemed like a lifetime's journey. Surely she'd traveled less distance in all of Ferelden than she did here.

"I wish I could take it back. I wish I'd been with you." It was pointless, all this wishing. Her words couldn't do anything now, and she just sounded to herself like a simpering moron. She quieted, resolving to let him throw whatever he liked at her and do her best not to react.

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bamjeldrnicd
2011-03-17 10:46 am UTC (link)

"I wish that too." Was that better? He wasn't sure. Knowing that she'd done what she'd done not because she loved someone else but because she just flipped off her mind... it was difficult for Brother to imagine, but he desperately tried to believe it so that he could convince himself that she really hadn't been trying to hurt him, hadn't wanted to hurt him, had just been wrong and stupid and regretful. But at the same time, he suspected that a lot of it was guilt because of his current condition rather than what she'd done; it was less her betrayal than when she'd been doing it.

The question nagged at him, but he didn't ask it: what if he hadn't been fighting Flemeth? What if he'd just been working late? Or fetching dinner? Would she still feel guilty? Would he even know it had happened? Would he want to know?

They finally reached the library, which had the typical loneliness of a school at night. Corridors meant to hold thousands of young people now only had two, with footsteps in the dark echoing down long halls for what seemed like forever. Brother almost collapsed when they actually reached his cot in his office. Spartan though it was, it was the closest thing he had to home right now: he wasn't sure he would ever be able to go back there again. "Thank you," he said, despite the dark thoughts in his head. He looked Morrigan in the eye for what felt like the first time. He still couldn't bring himself to hate her.

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witchofthewilds
2011-03-18 04:34 am UTC (link)

Morrigan helped to make sure Brother made it onto the cot. For the first time, she found herself wishing that she knew more everyday magic, something that could create pillows or somehow make the cot more comfortable. Brother wouldn't complain about the conditions, but he deserved better.

She managed a thin smile when he thanked her. "Thank you. For fighting Flemeth." The words might ring a little hollow, after what she'd done. His bravery had been rewarded with a slap in the face. The words wouldn't make up for anything, but still, it needed to be said. That he would do that for her without questioning it meant a great deal to her.

She thought briefly of sitting beside the cot, but she wasn't sure how long her presence would be welcome. It wasn't like her to let someone else's desires dictate a situation, but Brother needed to be in control here. This was his home away from her. She leaned against the wall, a few paces from him. "Are you hungry? I could go get you something."

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bamjeldrnicd
2011-03-19 12:43 am UTC (link)

He didn't reply when she thanked him for going after her mother, and then when she offered to get him food, he considered continuing not to reply, but that seemed petty and small. "No," he replied. Then, after a moment, he added, "Thank you."

He realized he was staring at her. He wasn't used to feeling conflicted. Brother pushed hard decisions onto other people because his general approach to life was to feel one thing, feel it strongly, and let that feeling guide him. And as far as love went, there was perhaps one woman in the world that Brother would have so happily given his life for besides Morrigan. But right now he looked at her and wasn't sure he would do it again.

No, that wasn't accurate. He knew he would. It just annoyed him.

He lay back and stared up at the ceiling. "What are you going to do?" he asked. The flat was in shambles, but the real question was, You're not going with him, are you?

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witchofthewilds
2011-03-19 06:25 am UTC (link)

Her eyes were fixed on the floor near his bed. She would leave when he asked her to, she decided. She would respect his requests, but she wouldn't let a little silence drive her away.

She shrugged in response to his question, lifting her gaze to him. She'd actually been toying with a number of plans. Asking Lulu to come check on him or picking a place out of sight to camp out and keep an eye on him.. Even finding a store that sold pillows this time of night. "I thought I might go clean up." She wasn't sure when or if Brother would feel like returning there. Perhaps cleaning would involve some packing, as well. Even having a talk with Flemeth had crossed her mind, though she couldn't imagine that going well.

Morrigan frowned. "I wish there was more I could do," she said quietly. She doubted it mattered. He likely wouldn't want help from her, and she couldn't blame him.

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bamjeldrnicd
2011-03-22 03:24 am UTC (link)

"I don't know." He felt like he didn't know anything. He didn't know how he felt, certainly. He didn't know what she could do, if there was anything she could do. He still didn't know why she'd done it, and he didn't know why he didn't hate her for doing it. And he didn't know if he would still love her tomorrow or next week. What he did know was that if he made a decision about anything right now, he would regret it.

So he did something astonishingly sensible for Brother. He told her.

"I need you to give me time. I do not know how I will feel tomorrow. But I need to know that I can have the time I need to make a decision. I need you to... to wait."

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witchofthewilds
2011-03-22 03:39 am UTC (link)

Morrigan nodded, feeling some relief. She had worried that if he decided tonight, he would have ended it. A delay wasn't much, but it gave her some hope.

"I will wait," she promised. "As long as you need." She certainly didn't have plans to go off with Zevran or anyone else. Vanishing into the woods would have been tempting, if there were no hope. As it was, she would find something to keep her occupied, even if it meant taking up scrapbooking or joining a quilting circle.

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