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Stephen Colbert, Bastion of Truthiness ([info]truthy_patriot) wrote in [info]undertherainbow,
@ 2010-10-12 18:44:00

Previous Entry  Add to memories!  Tell a Friend!  Next Entry
Entry tags:ellen fanshaw, stephen colbert

The Eagle of Truthiness is once more among you, fellow citizens of the Space Ship Awesome. It's awesome because I'm here. And I'm here because Space is Awesome.

But not as awesome as America. Because that would just be wrong.

As your newly designated Encryption Specialist, allow me to debrief you all on my superlative duties and skills. I spend endless minuteshours making paper dolls out ofdecoding all those different Intelligence reports I receive and scanning them with my complex algorithms for interesting and potentially threatening keywords to our way of space life such as, "bears", "gravity", "laws of physics", "godless heathens" or, "Schnookums."

Then I, along with most of my division, spend the rest of our day convincing the people who pay our salaries to give us an increasingly ungodly budget allowance in order to keep producing the same, somewhat vaguely worded threats from our enemies at approximately fifteen space bucks per sheet, while we spend the rest on replacing the bathroom in my quarters with a nice little number from Martha Stewart's line at Space Station Depot.

Hey - if it's a good enough budget for the Pentagon, it's good enough for the Space Ship Awesome.

And check out my bidet, it's solid gold!



(Read comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]dame_ellen
2010-10-13 12:30 am UTC (link)
How about taxes? Are those a threat to our way of space life? Please say yes.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]truthy_patriot
2010-10-13 12:44 am UTC (link)
You can't put a tax on Freedom. That's why we have off-planet bank accounts, ma'am.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dame_ellen
2010-10-13 12:48 am UTC (link)
How about theatre? Do you think there should be a tax on actors? Especially those who don't have a car and don't drive and shouldn't have to pay for highways she never uses all that much?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]truthy_patriot
2010-10-13 12:52 am UTC (link)
I'm in the Intelligence division, ma'am. I could tell you what I know about actors, but then I'd probably have to kill you. With my mind.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dame_ellen
2010-10-13 12:53 am UTC (link)
Oh, I see. You're a critic.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]truthy_patriot
2010-10-13 12:57 am UTC (link)
Security means always being critical. My laundry doesn't even get through my doorway without a level five clearance. My coffeepot comes with its own Terror Alert scale, which is constantly set to 'Alarming.'

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dame_ellen
2010-10-13 01:01 am UTC (link)
And American. Right? From the Untied Snakes?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]truthy_patriot
2010-10-13 02:00 am UTC (link)
The only snake welcome in my world is the one residing in my trousers.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dame_ellen
2010-10-13 02:02 am UTC (link)
Garter snake.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]truthy_patriot
2010-10-13 03:17 pm UTC (link)
I'm already married, ma'am, but thanks for the offer.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


[info]dame_ellen
2010-10-13 03:20 pm UTC (link)
I wouldn't fuck you if you could guarantee me a 12-week run as Cleopatra.

(Reply to this) (Parent)


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